[help needed] Shitty Comfort test

[deleted] · 2017-09-27T05:58:00+00:00

Sorry bud.

To answer... "You and I process emotions differently. Telling me how I should feel or thinking I'm feeling a certain way is unfair. Put the shoe on the other foot. I would never surmise how you feel, but I'm here to support you. I just want you here to support me if I tell you I need it."

She does want you to say you're weak. Don't. Your burden is, was, and always has been yours to carry. Price of being a man.

screechhater · 2017-09-27T09:52:06+00:00

This is no shitty comfort test Need to answer with what you wrote.

I'm sorry. No one should have to go through this.

Hold her. Let her know, broken record style. It's gonna take time

BluepillProfessor · 2017-09-27T15:43:04+00:00

Being 35+ I guess I am rather late with discovering the truth?

Try being 48.

will start lifting next week

Dude, WTF?

She keeps pushing, asking and nagging as if she wants me to say: I am a broken man.

Watch what she does, not what she says. She says this because she thinks she wants to "connect" but she really wants a safe harbor in your arms.

you are no longer talking with me, what happened to our intimate conversations while <son> was in the hospital". I tried FOGging

Why are you not talking to her any more? She NEEDS to vet and bitch and whine and cry. Let her. Encourage it. You be the ROCK.

how do I respond

With compassion and understanding? You may want to read

"Models: Attracting women through honesty"

The author talks about "showing vulnerability" as a seduction tactic. The idea is you open up the soft spots (effectively showing her where she can hurt you the most because, for some reason- best not to think about actually WHY- chicks dig that a lot).

Showing vulnerability and compassion doesn't require you to surrender your frame but the tactic does require you to go beyond the natural masculine emotion suppression.

Also, I hope you guys did grief therapy. The death of a child is not something you can bury with the body. He will ALWAYS be with you. I also lost a child and I know all this for a fact.

man_in_the_world · 2017-09-27T13:10:27+00:00

At various points in this lengthy set of comments by /u/jacktenofhearts are some nice "advanced fogging" insights on how to engage your wife emotionally without being beta about it. I think this is what you (and she) need.

2ndal · 2017-09-27T11:57:51+00:00

She's testing you in those times because she needs to feel your strength.

number123356 · 2017-09-27T05:42:23+00:00

I was in a similar situation 3 Years ago. My little daughter died just after 3 Month in the ICU.

I was totally BP meaning I did not care for my wife. In fact I blamed her to deflect my own guilt I was feeling.

From there everything went downhill. We tried to be together but she felt distant from me and only resentment for what I had done. (Blaming her for the loss of our daugther)

I got her to therapy and started therapy myself. Worked through a depression and got fat. Started sport and RP but it was all to late.

My wife enjoyed more time around her friends and ultimately killed the puppy and moved in with a good friend. Go figure.

In retrospective I should have been more there for here. I don't think that you should add any dread to this situation but become an Oak.

Make her feel ok with her feelings and be dependable. I guess this is the time when you are at least a bit responsible for her feelings.

I guess she wants to know that you feel the same way and care for you. Meaning she wants to put you in her frame of you as the broken man to care for you so she don't has to care for herself.

Damn me if I knew how to handle the situation. I completely fucked up. Even with support of RP.

I am sorry for your loss man. No man should have to bury his child.

hystericalbonding · 2017-09-27T10:51:03+00:00

Shitty comfort tests are driven by anxiety.

You can express your feelings as long as you do it from a position of strength and continue to own your shit. This may be the worst thing that has ever happened to her. You can share your feelings to help her process the death, her understanding of you, and her fears of what it has done to your relationship.

If you're feeling numb about it and a bit burnt out, that's a feeling. It's not right or wrong. You're entitled to feel that way regardless of what she says. You're not over it - you're here in MRP looking for advice.

She may also need to know where your head is so she can feel more comfortable sharing her feelings, or she may be waiting for you to ask her similar questions. You can do that without being a pussy.

Have you been seeing grief counselors or therapists?

SgtSilverBack · 2017-09-27T12:51:25+00:00

You have went through a lot that a parent should never have to endure.

You were strong enough to make it through that be strong for alittle while longer. Until you have the emotional and mental space to make mindful decisions.

While she is asking you about your feelings practice your fogging. "You're right, i was more emotional then". "You're probably right, I could feel more now". And keep hugging here. The burden, at this moment in your marriage, is on you. To let her emote at you while you are the Oak and you begin to bring her back out of the space she is in. If she won't be lead out of that place then you can make a decision then.

I'd suggest finding the Jacktenofhearts posts and really deconstructing them. His ability to see a need for empathy while not being a needy Butch of a man was amazing. They may provide you with just the right tools to help keep your sanity.

I would also suggest getting to the gym. Don't skip it unless it's life threatening. Beat the fuck out of a heavy bag, deadlift or power clean and throw that shit down (as long as you aren't in planet fitness, fucking fairy's) take your anger at God , your wife, the hospital whomever and unleash it at those things.

Come here for the questions about being a better you.

Stay strong brother.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2017-09-27T16:08:35+00:00

Yeah, I want to tell you that I'm sorry to hear your story, and that it happened to you.

I know that people process grief differently. Some people bounce back, and some people it weighs down their entire lives. I have a friend who lost her kid over 10 years ago, and she has made it the center of her world even today. I can only agree with the folks here around grief counseling - perhaps if you set that up and be the oak, you can help in that way.

For the comfort tests, you be the oak. For the shit tests, you also be the oak. Honestly, in these situations, I don't think it is unreasonable to dial up the beta - sometimes you have to adapt and right now, it seems like she needs more of that.

JDRoedell · 2017-09-27T10:38:49+00:00

Sorry to hear about this. No parent should have to witness this. I can’t understand what you’re going through and won’t try. Stay strong.

Screech hit this one best. It’s not any degree of shit test. It’s grief and it may be comfort testing but not in the traditional way we talk about comfort tests.

Be the Oak.

Rian_Stone · 2017-09-27T10:56:32+00:00

I don't' have the inclination to look for it. /u/jacktenofhearts had a nice little writeup on how to open up.

she wants her emotions reflected at her, she doesn't want you to open up about your shit

[deleted] · 2017-09-28T01:08:54+00:00

In the big picture of things NMMNG etc can wait. Maybe find a good book to guide you through processing the loss. See a grief counselor. Let yourself fall down. Then get up and rebuild.

What's the bigger picture? Are you sole provider?

Title	[help needed] Shitty Comfort test
Author	SimilarSalvation
Upvotes	5
Comments	19
Date	September 27, 2017 4:49 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/72q2v3/help_needed_shitty_comfort_test/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/help-needed-shitty-comfort-test.205381 https://theredarchive.com/post/205381