Getting disappointing with her low value trait...

223552 · 2017-08-15T09:32:40+00:00

If you reinforce whining bitching and moaning with comfort, guess what you'll get more of?

Am I saying never provide comfort? No. There's a distinction. What is it?

Sepean · 2017-08-15T09:43:58+00:00

Your wife won't magically morph into a perfect person. You can become more attractive and dominant and that will make her more fun in bed, more submissive and generally more pleasant company but she'll still have her flaws.

You getting annoyed with core personality traits that she'll likely never change is a problem you have, not her. Change what you can and live with the rest. Read up on stoicism.

If it didn't annoy you, would it be that important?

RPJMRP · 2017-08-15T12:00:10+00:00

Welcome to reality. You'll experience this often now. It is part of being a person that leads in everyday life. Most people are going to be similar to your wife in this behavior.

I would bet she is wanting to have your approval now. Are you unable to lead someone? Inspire her.

"Aw man, that sucks babe, they don't have the mulch we want at Lowes? Shit. You said you wanted that mulch right? Is that what you wanted? Look either you want it and it's important for you to do something about this, or this is spilled milk and let's throw it away...Ok so you want it? Ok, go get em baby. I'll see you later tonight. Nobody puts baby in a corner...."

I have at least 5 variations of this conversation a day. They are rarely with my wife. She's a more competent, capable person when compared to other professional team members. She also has a higher passion for what she does than the average person. Her pride won't let her call me unless the subject matter leaves that sphere.

This is what leadership looks like, it goes hand and hand with having your shit together. Take the wheel or get the fuck out the way. Don't bitch about being in charge. Start to build your team.

Extreme Ownership read in the light of this revelation should work nicely. Good luck.

UEMcGill · 2017-08-15T13:03:13+00:00

My wife is a competent first officer. At times, she's supremely confident, and capable. I run my life assuming if I'm at the gates of hell or in front of St Peter she will be there with me (in an appropriately stylish and feminine outfit)

Part of being a good leader is recognizing what and when people need help. The old adage, lead people and manage things comes to mind. Your wife is likely in the low experience low confidence level of the learning curve. At this point you need to provide her with lots of training and encouragement. As she progresses you move to less training and more resources or tools.

Let her know, "babe, I got your back. If you fail, that's OK. This is just a house, not rocket science. Make a mistake, it's ok"

Remember this is your mission. You are the Supreme commander and failure is on you. If she's competent then this boils down to a leadership gap. If she'll never be competent it's still a gap; you need to fire her.

In these situations I find myself telling my wife, "this is going to suck. We need to embrace the suck and push through" initially a lot of her anxiety was because of my poor leadership. She didn't trust me, so she didn't believe in the mission. It takes time, you're both learning.

My favorite line in the movie The Town is,

: I need your help. I can't tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we're gonna hurt some people.

..Whose car are we gonna' take?"

This is where my wife is now on a lot of things, but it took work on my part. Leadership and her trusting me that I would follow through.

SgtSilverBack · 2017-08-15T13:56:36+00:00

I differ from most of the comments here.

While I agree that her emotions and feelz are hers, you are attempting to be the captain of your ship, she along with kids is your responsibility to lead.

If she is having a meltdown over things that are non emergency related then by all means do not do things that reward that behavior. However, with the long game in mind you should lead her to ways of dealing with it or working the problem.

You would do the same with your kids if they had a meltdown.

-whats the issue at hand -whats the desired outcome -whats are the ways of reaching the outcome -whats in the way of reaching the outcome

Like with every other aspect we preach here regarding wives, if you like/love her, then lead her like the captain you want to be.

Also as a devil's advocate, these traits seem to be of someone that could make a good submissive wife, IF you have the strength to remove the burden of things she isn't capable of. She may have no desire or capability to be strong and only want you to give her tasks that are HER strength while you carry the burden. If that isn't the kind of woman you want then choose a different woman

BluepillProfessor · 2017-08-15T15:45:05+00:00

I find her unattractive, I feel like I want to distance myself from her

You're in luck! That is exactly what a masculine man with options would do- and it is exactly what we recommend. Guys have to learn this stuff painstakingly with years of practice and here you are doing it naturally. What is the problem?

The key is to not be butthurt. When she is acting badly ignore. When she is acting well, give her your time and attention.

Cautionary note: A freaking out woman- and selling a house is a MAJOR freak out moment- needs her man to be strong and supportive. She NEEDS a rock at that time and I would be careful about ignoring a woman who desperately needs your help. If she can't get the emotional rock from her husband then guess what happens?

Train33 · 2017-08-15T09:52:01+00:00

why don't you tell her these things?

" when you act like x, it makes you unattractive. Stop."

black_second_coming · 2017-08-15T12:20:23+00:00

She doesn't see you as a leader right now. She will second guess your every move until you have a proven track record of making decisions, even then, she will still question you occasionally.

If you're new to this, then it will take a while for her to see that you can handle your shit properly. Until then, the whining, bitching, and complaining will continue.

You'll know you're there once she starts deferring to you instead of complaining to you. But remember, she will still complain about her day, because that's what they do. Those are the times where you can have fun and fuck with her.

[deleted] · 2017-08-15T13:02:00+00:00

is this a new trait? It seems you are disappointed with yourself for choosing this woman.

JDRoedell · 2017-08-15T16:56:54+00:00

This is where being the Oak comes in. Always have an answer. Always have a plan. Another movie quote for you from U571. Harvey Kietel's character says this to McConaghey who assumed the captain position after the captain was killed. "Those three words will kill a crew (i don't know), don't ever say that again. The Captain always knows."

223552 · 2017-08-15T09:53:18+00:00

Tough to be the captain.

Ever think it could be because she becoming more submissive to the new masculine you?

What do you want? Run the show, or have the wife take over the controls when it gets hairy?

It's not low value. AWALT. Thank god they're submissive to the right man.

screechhater · 2017-08-15T10:55:21+00:00

You have cone to the realization that "White Knighting" will never work

Re-read MMSLP to set some boundaries from a captains perspective that are short and sweet.

I hope you have learned your lesson. Material objects, busi-ness , etc are distractions of from what's at the root -

Other reading, can't fix others problems

Lifting ?

Title	Getting disappointing with her low value trait...
Author	223552
Upvotes	8
Comments	23
Date	15 August 2017 09:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/205665
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6tt2nu/getting_disappointing_with_her_low_value_trait/