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Getting disappointing with her low value trait...

Reddit View
August 15, 2017

I am finding myself disappointed with my wife displaying some low value traits. In the past this would have caused me to react in anger, trying to explain it to her, and end up in a fight.

This particular trait, is her loosing her shit when things get tough/stressed, it comes out, when she needs to be strong... Right now we are in a process of selling one house, finishing off new house, planning move, new place gardening, new place decorating, as well as the usual day to day stuff, and kids. She is just not coping with it all, and feels overwhelmed, and wants to hide her head in the sand. Anything happens now, and she is on a phone to me having a melt down, even little things, even when I am taking care of it.

I try and manage her as best as I can, provide comfort as needed, deal with shit tests, try and be fun/light hearted about the whole process (seriously: how bad is it, when you can afford to build a new house how you want it...) negate her negative views, paint an exciting picture of my vision in regards to the new house, and future projects. Booked a weekend away, next week, to let her rest, distract her from everything. I am organizing, and dealing with all tradesman, lining everyone up, dealing with issues as the arise. I am handling it all well, in fact I am finding myself looking forward to challenges now, as it pushes my comfort zone, and I feel like I am growing from it all. Taking care of what needs to be done. I have not lost my cool at all over past 4-6 weeks.

But this trait is bugging me... Its bugging me for a couple of reasons:

  1. When she acts like that, I find her unattractive, I feel like I want to distance myself from her...

  2. I need to rely on my wife to handle shit in my absence. If I am not there for whatever reason (work, illness) I would like to know she will hold the fort until I get there.

In the past I was butt hurt, and angry. I am neither of those now, but feel a niggling disappointment, that I can't shake off.

I am not sure if it still my ego, or maybe its just time, until she realizes that everything will be taken care off, and she can relax, or maybe it is her ...

What are your thoughts gents?

Post Information
Title Getting disappointing with her low value trait...
Author 223552
Upvotes 8
Comments 23
Date 15 August 2017 09:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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Red Pill terms found in post:
shit test

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

If you reinforce whining bitching and moaning with comfort, guess what you'll get more of?

Am I saying never provide comfort? No. There's a distinction. What is it?

[–]223552[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I provide comfort, when she is having a melt down, " I am so stressed, I feel overwhelmed, are we doing the right thing..."

I deal with shit tests " it was all your idea to do this... have you called x, y z, .... what are you going to do about x, y ,z,..."

[–]SeamusAwl3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Are we doing the right thing...."

That is telling, she doesn't fully trust your leadership. Don't provide comfort here, but show her that you got it taken care of by taking care of it. Also, continue to exude confidence in your plan.

Acta non verba.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

how is her having a melt down your fucking problem?

maybe instead of comfort, what you should be providing is strength, like a rock, against the waves, or an oak, against the wind.

you want to mitigate fear and uncertainty with clowning. this is patently wrong.

you meet serious concerns with serious responses.

you meet ridiculous concerns with ridiculous responses.

it's up to you to dictate what is serious and what is ridiculous from your perspective. that is masculine strength (aka frame).

[–]sh0ckley0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Boom. +1

[–]SepeanRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your wife won't magically morph into a perfect person. You can become more attractive and dominant and that will make her more fun in bed, more submissive and generally more pleasant company but she'll still have her flaws.

You getting annoyed with core personality traits that she'll likely never change is a problem you have, not her. Change what you can and live with the rest. Read up on stoicism.

If it didn't annoy you, would it be that important?

[–]RPJMRP3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Welcome to reality. You'll experience this often now. It is part of being a person that leads in everyday life. Most people are going to be similar to your wife in this behavior.

I would bet she is wanting to have your approval now. Are you unable to lead someone? Inspire her.

"Aw man, that sucks babe, they don't have the mulch we want at Lowes? Shit. You said you wanted that mulch right? Is that what you wanted? Look either you want it and it's important for you to do something about this, or this is spilled milk and let's throw it away...Ok so you want it? Ok, go get em baby. I'll see you later tonight. Nobody puts baby in a corner...."

I have at least 5 variations of this conversation a day. They are rarely with my wife. She's a more competent, capable person when compared to other professional team members. She also has a higher passion for what she does than the average person. Her pride won't let her call me unless the subject matter leaves that sphere.

This is what leadership looks like, it goes hand and hand with having your shit together. Take the wheel or get the fuck out the way. Don't bitch about being in charge. Start to build your team.

Extreme Ownership read in the light of this revelation should work nicely. Good luck.

[–]223552[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Inspiring her... Thats next level. Still have a long way to go on leadership.

And another book to add to the list............

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Extreme Ownership will ruin you like recovery ruins the addict. You'll never be able to make an excuse or bullshit yourself again. Highly recommend.

[–]Mukato0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

check out this book

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

My wife is a competent first officer. At times, she's supremely confident, and capable. I run my life assuming if I'm at the gates of hell or in front of St Peter she will be there with me (in an appropriately stylish and feminine outfit)

Part of being a good leader is recognizing what and when people need help. The old adage, lead people and manage things comes to mind. Your wife is likely in the low experience low confidence level of the learning curve. At this point you need to provide her with lots of training and encouragement. As she progresses you move to less training and more resources or tools.

Let her know, "babe, I got your back. If you fail, that's OK. This is just a house, not rocket science. Make a mistake, it's ok"

Remember this is your mission. You are the Supreme commander and failure is on you. If she's competent then this boils down to a leadership gap. If she'll never be competent it's still a gap; you need to fire her.

In these situations I find myself telling my wife, "this is going to suck. We need to embrace the suck and push through" initially a lot of her anxiety was because of my poor leadership. She didn't trust me, so she didn't believe in the mission. It takes time, you're both learning.

My favorite line in the movie The Town is,

: I need your help. I can't tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we're gonna hurt some people.

..Whose car are we gonna' take?"

This is where my wife is now on a lot of things, but it took work on my part. Leadership and her trusting me that I would follow through.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I run my life assuming if I'm at the gates of hell or in front of St Peter she will be there with me

I run my life knowing she would be complaining the entire way and howling like a Banshee as we neared the Gates so I am confident I would hit the turn around long before we made all the way to Hell.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True - but she's still there complaining.

Classic PUA adage - if she's still there, it's still on.

[–]SgtSilverBack1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I differ from most of the comments here.

While I agree that her emotions and feelz are hers, you are attempting to be the captain of your ship, she along with kids is your responsibility to lead.

If she is having a meltdown over things that are non emergency related then by all means do not do things that reward that behavior. However, with the long game in mind you should lead her to ways of dealing with it or working the problem.

You would do the same with your kids if they had a meltdown.

-whats the issue at hand -whats the desired outcome -whats are the ways of reaching the outcome -whats in the way of reaching the outcome

Like with every other aspect we preach here regarding wives, if you like/love her, then lead her like the captain you want to be.

Also as a devil's advocate, these traits seem to be of someone that could make a good submissive wife, IF you have the strength to remove the burden of things she isn't capable of. She may have no desire or capability to be strong and only want you to give her tasks that are HER strength while you carry the burden. If that isn't the kind of woman you want then choose a different woman

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I find her unattractive, I feel like I want to distance myself from her

You're in luck! That is exactly what a masculine man with options would do- and it is exactly what we recommend. Guys have to learn this stuff painstakingly with years of practice and here you are doing it naturally. What is the problem?

The key is to not be butthurt. When she is acting badly ignore. When she is acting well, give her your time and attention.

Cautionary note: A freaking out woman- and selling a house is a MAJOR freak out moment- needs her man to be strong and supportive. She NEEDS a rock at that time and I would be careful about ignoring a woman who desperately needs your help. If she can't get the emotional rock from her husband then guess what happens?

[–]Train330 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

why don't you tell her these things?

" when you act like x, it makes you unattractive. Stop."

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that has requisites of frame, credibility, and attractiveness.

you'll let yourself get judged by people you admire. you're going to get annoyed being judged by people you don't think much of. it's a classic case of be attractive, don't be unattractive

[–]black_second_coming0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She doesn't see you as a leader right now. She will second guess your every move until you have a proven track record of making decisions, even then, she will still question you occasionally.

If you're new to this, then it will take a while for her to see that you can handle your shit properly. Until then, the whining, bitching, and complaining will continue.

You'll know you're there once she starts deferring to you instead of complaining to you. But remember, she will still complain about her day, because that's what they do. Those are the times where you can have fun and fuck with her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

is this a new trait? It seems you are disappointed with yourself for choosing this woman.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is where being the Oak comes in. Always have an answer. Always have a plan. Another movie quote for you from U571. Harvey Kietel's character says this to McConaghey who assumed the captain position after the captain was killed. "Those three words will kill a crew (i don't know), don't ever say that again. The Captain always knows."

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Tough to be the captain.

Ever think it could be because she becoming more submissive to the new masculine you?

What do you want? Run the show, or have the wife take over the controls when it gets hairy?

It's not low value. AWALT. Thank god they're submissive to the right man.

[–]223552[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Still working on the submissive part. She has had this trait for a long time, way before I came here.

I am more than happy to run the show, and take the heat, if it gets hairy. Its more about her handling things, if i am not there.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have cone to the realization that "White Knighting" will never work

Re-read MMSLP to set some boundaries from a captains perspective that are short and sweet.

I hope you have learned your lesson. Material objects, busi-ness , etc are distractions of from what's at the root -

Other reading, can't fix others problems

Lifting ?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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