714,030 posts

This shit is hard..

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June 4, 2017
8 upvotes

Hi brothers..

First of all i would like to excuse my errors(english is not my native language). Lets start from the beginning. Im a 26y/o M. Been married for 3 years.

When we fell in love all was well. We did a lot of stuff we hardly ever argued. But since the moment we got married. It kinda went downhill(ups and downs but it seems like all i can remember are the downs). We have a lovely daughter of 2 y/o.

My first fckup was that i never told her she was becoming a little obese. Ofcourse she noticed the less attraction less sex etc. So i straight up told her i wasnt a man enough to tell her that in our first year. Since that moment she has been throwing that shit in my face. It doesnt matter what i do it always end up with something like: 'you never loved me' 'why am i even trying? You think of me as a fat person'.

Even tho she lost a lot of weight and im superproud.. she wont believe my compliments..

Since mrp things are slowly getting better. I started lifting again. Starting to at least be a little manly(take the lead.. not doubting etc). I know i camt use this as an excuse but i fcked up telling her im emotionally kind of a closed person because of my youth. At the moment she understand and is all sweet but tje next moment she can blow up if i (for example forget something at the grocery store) and then the WHOLE story gets brought up about me lying about her weight and how shes not the one for me.

I know she has daddy issues. I know i need to treat her like a lil daughter and take the lead. She even told me she wanted me tk man up.

But fck this is hard. Its againdr my nature. Im used to stfu and do what was told. Beaten and never to complain.

How do i become a real leader and earn her respect. I have read nmmng and that shit was soo meeee. I have still got a lot to learn and im so gratefull. But i just wanted to share my feelings since i cant and wont ever do it to any woman... ever again.

Excuse my fcktard story. Its all messy im sorry..


Post Information
Title This shit is hard..
Author AquitasVeritas
Upvotes 8
Comments 37
Date 04 June 2017 07:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206061
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6f9e7o/this_shit_is_hard/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
liftNMMNG
Comments

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (10 children) | Copy

  1. Lift and diet properly. Get your physical life in order, it is the prelude to being able to accomplish the mental and emotional aspects, and it will give you an outlet as you reorder yourself mentally and emotionally.

  2. Be above reproach around the house. Take care of your shit, clean up after yourself, give her (and yourself) nothing to complain about.

  3. STFU. By that I mean, no negative comments, no complaining, no excuses, no arguing. You will be positive to the very extent possible. If you dont like something she has to say or does, ignore it, or state your opinion or perform your action without apology. And dont do it to convince her of your position (arguing). Just try to blend in without being pushed over. Be warm and likeable. You're trying to build a foundation of positive interaction. She has to like you again (if she can - ultimately her choice) before she'll want to follow you.

Master those things, while reading through the sidebar, and come back in a few weeks/months and we'll go from there.

You see, when you want a woman to change her position (in your case, fitness) in the war of marriage --- you need to flank her. The direct attack rately works against a fortified position. You came at her direct and she fought you. The flank approach would have been to lead -- get yourself in shape, lead the grocery discussion towards healthier oprions, show her how to do it with your own commitment. Then when she shows interest, playfully encouage it, and step up to provide the logistical needs for her to engage any new fitness goals.

[–]AquitasVeritas-1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy

The 2nd point is hard for me to do. Everytime i try my very best i still seem to fuckup something (for example: forgetting to clean the breadcrums after making breakfast for her) in my eyes its a little thing. But for her its the whole thing(she has a little company sewing wigwams). And that little fault can make her explode because she cant handle the pressure of being a housewife and taking care of the kid and doing her business on the side. Altho i help as much as i can(cook sometimes clean sometimes or just take my daughter out to do something fun so she can do her thing. It alls feels taken for granted you know?

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy

Become a man she wants to fuck and suddenly she will not care at as much about wether or not you left breadcrumbs out from making breakfast. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care about number 2 on this list, just that once you get number 1 and 3 dialed in, she won't fixate as much on the trivial BS.

Sounds like you also have a few covert contracts if you're feeling taken for granted. Cook, clean, and take your daughter out because you're an awesome man, not because you need your wife's validation for doing it. The fact that you mention doing it "sometimes " and feel like she doesn't appreciate it, tells me your looking for a reward from mommy for being such a good boy.

One of the greatest things I've learned from the men here is to do everything as if your wife doesn't exist. What would you do then? You don't do any of these things for her, you do them for yourself. Live and create an awesome life for yourself and she can't help but want to be drawn in to your vision.

Or you can keep on doing those things "sometimes" and hope she notices your attempts at chore play.

Lift and sidebar.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

+1 for response.

I forgot to add to the list to fight the mental fight to do the things on the list for yourself, not for a response from her. You can do things for her, but you do them in and of themselves, not as a mechanism to generate a response from her. And it helped me to think as outlined above -- do them because they need to be done.

Once you begin stepping up around the house things like the breadcrumbs wont matter as much for this reason -- you'll have become your own judge as to your participation in the house. Assuming you fight everyday to improve, own your shit, and add value --- when she does something like the breadcrumbs (and she probably still will from time to time) you wont care as much because you're confident in yourself. You no longer need her to judge you. You can brush the comments off and ignore them and move on. Now that you are in her frame you are swayed by every random lizard brain outburst. Your next step will be to learn about frame, but you are not ready for that just yet. I fear if you start the fight for frame now things will go rambo. The list above helps lay the groundwork to begin to establish your frame in the future.

It alls feels taken for granted you know?

This is one of the reasons many of us came here. Yes, we know. And you'll understand over time.

[–]AquitasVeritas1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

The funny thing is... this is exactly what she says sometimes... she feels like she is the mommy of me ans my daughter.. that all she does is take care of shit. She wants me to be the leader. Im Beta as fckk tho.

Im that average type joe working in the IT timid as fck.. since mrp i have been a little more out of my shell. And im lucky i dont gain a lot of weight easily (athletic genes?)

But damn... beta cuck

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Look, lift your chin up. Many come here with a big ego, you may err on the other end. You have the code to the matrix now, and you are no longer a victim. Your life internally (and many ways externally) will be what you make it. You will fail, but the joy is in the journey. One foot in front of the other, with your head up. I tell my son all the time, nothing worth having in life is easy.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly. The best time to plant a tree was 40 years ago. The second best time is today.

[–]AquitasVeritas2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fck I love you guys #nohomo. As i lay in bed next to my wife (shes asleep). Just thinking how to be the leader of my family. These tips/advice mean so much to me. You guys just gave me that extra push I needed.

Thanks.

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fck. Thanks for that comment. Indeed i tried it a couple times(doing shit for me as if she doesnt exist) she does like it sometimes but sometimes i forget stuff and she then says that i dont take her and my daughter into consideration..

I guess i need to hold on. I need to beat it out of my system not to expect anything for my accomplishments but just for the sake of doing it for me.

I admit this is hard to do...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The 2nd point is hard for me to do. Everytime i try my very best i still seem to fuckup something (for example: forgetting to clean the breadcrums after making breakfast for her) in my eyes its a little thing.

Owning your shit isn't about choreplay, you fucking retard. In that case, they are crumbs, and you don't put up with DEFCON 4 when they appear.

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

None of what you do is about getting her approval or avoiding her being critical of your work. When she blows up, STFU or A&A, it is completely irrelevant what she says.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She, she, she.

Skimming your post that's all I see. You're in MRP, not fix my marriage. Read the sidebar, do the work, and she will come around. Or she won't. Either way it won't matter because you've done the work and are now a valuable man with options.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

First of all i would like to excuse my errors(english is not my native language).

Well, well, well, we haven't even started berating you and you DEER already.

What's DEER? Defend, Excuse, Explain, Rationalize.

Stop saying sorry.

When we fell in love all was well. We did a lot of stuff we hardly ever argued. But since the moment we got married. It kinda went downhill(ups and downs but it seems like all i can remember are the downs). We have a lovely daughter of 2 y/o.

There's no "we". Neither in your real life, nor on this subreddit, not even at TRP. There never was.

So i straight up told her i wasnt a man enough to tell her that in our first year.

Yeah, man! Like that will show her! Stand up and tell her how it is!

Even tho she lost a lot of weight and im superproud.. she wont believe my compliments..

Beta supplication 101. Do you buy her flowers often?

I know i camt use this as an excuse but i fcked up telling her

"I know I can't use it as an excuse but I use it as an excuse, check this out: "

Oh, man, good, good shit, really.

At the moment she understand and is all sweet but tje next moment she can blow up if i (for example forget something at the grocery store) and then the WHOLE story gets brought up about me lying about her weight and how shes not the one for me.

Dude, fuck your childhood. Repeat after me: fuck your childhood, fuck my childhood, shit, even fuck stone's childhood. Fuck this shit.

I know she has daddy issues.

I love girls with daddy issues. Tattoos, multiple piercings, I love to have such woman by my side when I'm out in the town. I love to tell them "come for me, come for daddy" when I fuck them.

Shit, if you're bored of your old lady because of daddy issues, send her to me. I can handle that.

But fck this is hard. Its againdr my nature. Im used to stfu and do what was told.

Yea sigh. I know. And, like, it's our nature, right? I know you can't change your nature, right? It would be against the... the law of the unchangeable nature, right?

How do i become a real leader and earn her respect.

Fuck her respect. Repeat after me: fuck her respect.

I have read nmmng and that shit was soo meeee.

Re-read it.

I have still got a lot to learn and im so gratefull.

Good.

But i just wanted to share my feelings

Fuck your feelings.

since i cant and wont ever do it to any woman... ever again.

Good.

Excuse my fcktard story. Its all messy im sorry..

Shit, I already changed a few diapers this weekend, I can handle one more.

This post should be tagged victim puke.

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Lol well arent you a badass?:p

It made me laugh. And yes you are right about it.

Thanks. I needed that lol.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Lol well arent you a badass?:p

Send me your wife and we'll see.

Edit: shit, sorry guys, thought I'm on my r/cuckold bull account

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

O..k.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

WISNIFG will give you your next steps after STFU. Keep at it, though. It takes time. She wants you to absolve her guilt over getting fat by taking the blame for not telling her she was fat. AA/AM that shit until she realizes how stupid it is.

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know right. That was my exact same thought.. i have tried to aa/am but it seems to get worse.. she says that i dont give a fck and it only show more that shes not the one. It resulted to a near deas bedroom. But sometimes i try to act like a douchebag and she likes it and we fck intensly.. then the next day she blows up again and she claims im using her as a whore for not giving a shit... it fckes me up i feel so much for her. I really love her but this shit is fcking me up...

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She wants you to absolve her quilt over getting fat by taking the blame for not telling her she was fat

I disagree here to an extent. While it is kinda your responsibility to let her know that she is getting fat, she isn't an idiot. She looks in the mirror getting ready daily. The problem is that OP is a suplicating bitch and she doesn't feel the need, nor care, to lose the weight for him. He said she has lost weight now though. This is because her hind brain is telling her there is turbulence on the boat (MRP).

Keep doing you OP. Make sure you acknowledge her gains (losses rather lol) by giving her affection and compliments. Women love to feel appreciated. But that doesn't mean engaging in ridiculous arguments. Stop that shit now.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fair point. It doesn't really matter what her reasons are, since she did lose the weight, thereby confirming the RP truth of paying attention to what she does, not what she says.

[–]number1233561 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I am pretty new to mrp so if I am telling bullshit, please set me straight. Here is my view on things:

So you tell us that this is hard? Well we are all in the same shit like you are. We all know this shit is hard but we all see results when we stick to the plan.

Holly fuck would I love this shit to be easy. I would love to just slack away, get fat, never work hard and archive all I want from life plus the feeling that I deserved it.

This is not how its going to work. It is sweet, blood and tears till the end of you life. Its shit.

Now you will ask yourself, this can't be it, there has to be a way out, and you are right! I tell you: Own your shit! And now you ask again: How is this going to help. And I will tell you again: Owning your shit is changing shit form something that happens to you to something you can work with.

Ok lets get through the list:

So i straight up told her i wasnt a man enough to tell her that in our first year. Since that moment she has been throwing that shit in my face. It doesnt matter what i do it always end up with something like: 'you never loved me' 'why am i even trying? You think of me as a fat person'.

Shit test / comfort test - depends on the situation. What you can do here is Agree and Amplify: "Yeah I never loved you, this is why we have this beautiful daughter together." If you so like you can add an underhand compliment and tell her, that your daughter looks like her mother. But remember it's all in the delivery.

Other times you can just ignore this behavior.

At the moment she understand and is all sweet but tje next moment she can blow up if i (for example forget something at the grocery store) and then the WHOLE story gets brought up about me lying about her weight and how shes not the one for me.

This is normal. Seriously we've all been there. Just ignore.

But fck this is hard. Its againdr my nature. Im used to stfu and do what was told. Beaten and never to complain.

Ok don't get this false, STFU does not mean to take shit from everybody. It means not to DEER (Defend, Excuse, Explain, Rationalize). In time and with practice you will learn what to say. For starters: If she insults you in a way you find disrespectful you leave the house. Tell her, that you won't take this behavior.

How do i become a real leader and earn her respect.

This will take a while, read the sidebar, make a MAP, follow through on your Plans, be determent and you will become a respected Leader.

But i just wanted to share my feelings since i cant and wont ever do it to any woman... ever again.

You can share your feelings with your wife, but not just yet. First you have to harden up, then in the right situation and the right time, you can still show that you have a soft core, but only she has earned to see it, because she earned her place as your companion. Or you can have a female friend which to use as emotional dump - this is what girls do all the time, its called friendzone. But make sure you aren't the friendzoned orbiter, but her.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is not how its going to work. It is sweet, blood and tears till the end of you life.

True to an extent, but it starts getting easier and much more enjoyable. If there weren't big rewards from the work, it wouldn't be worth it. My wife basically told me I was being an asshole earlier today. I smiled inside.

Catch and release. Do the work and the results come - slowly but surely.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Asshole and jerk have become my new favorite compliments from my wife. It usually signals a good fuck is near.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I am pretty new to mrp so if I am telling bullshit, please set me straight. Here is my view on things:

wow. way to completely invalidate yourself before you've even put anything on the plate. do you do this shit with your wife too?

[–]number1233560 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nah I just thought about a disclaimer before ruining other people's life ;)

[–]TaistoKarhu0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A lot of solid things here, but I would like to add that there is definately no guarantee that things will get better with your wife. It's important, because as long as you are using that as some kind of a gauge to reflect on it will hinder your process. I only recently started improving again after I was able to finally reach a substantial level of Not Give A Fuck.

It's been around 5 months for me and it's only getting worse with my wife. Or rather it's pretty much the same as it always was, without all the deception. Difference is, today when my wife shat lightning because I had placed spoons to the tray where there should be forks only, I had to fight to keep myself from laughing. She didn't like it, stormed off the house, but at least it didn't ruin my day. 6 months prior I woulda fought her injustice with all my wit and logic and felt like a trapped animal for a few days the least.

So yeah, it's a lot better than it ever was, just not with my wife.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's against my nature

Your nature is based on a fantasy view of how the world works. Read The Rational Male. Read WISNIFG. Realize that everyone out there is operating in such a way that they look out for them, and they dont give a fuck about you unless it also benefits them. You must adopt this same attitude. It must be your way or the highway. BUT, Don't go fucking rambo with it. Internalize first that everyone is operating for themselves. Build yourself up with lifting, dressing well, getting hobbies, and being the oak. Then, when you have that all under control, start to spread your field of influence slowly out to the people around you. You should be past the anger phase at this point. If your decisions act against what your wife, friends, others expect, it's because that's the way you want things to be...NOT because it'll get back at them.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You are saying you have a kind nature etc. and taking a lot of blame on yourself (which is fine, because you can only fix yourself, you cannot fix her), but you also need to know what you are dealing with. She is basically gaslighting you. She ate herself into a landwhale and she wants to blame you for it. She continues to bring it up as a pathetic way to shift the blame for her actions onto you. That is a cruel thing to do to someone and it represents the most degenerate manipulative tendencies of a woman. Apart from the self improvement you also need to give her some boundaries and teach her that her actions have consequences. Next time she brings up your failure to tell her she was fat you do exactly this:

You look her straight in the eye and say in the most calm and detached tone possible:

  • "look, I did not overeat, you did, it is not OK for you to blame me."

Then you maintain rock solid frame while she has a nuclear rage attack, or cries. You do not comfort her, you do not react to her emotions. You are the immovable rock upon which her emotions break. I repeat, you DO NOT COMFORT her or react to her bullshit, just keep a perfect calm demeanor and get on with whatever it is you were doing. If you do this correctly I would be surprised if she does not blow you within the next few hours, and it should also be the last time she ever tries that gaslighting shit on you again. Do not tolerate gaslighting, it is a disgusting and abhorrent trait and you need to make it very clear that shit will not fly.

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

That is gonna be the hardest thing to do for me. In every action i take i question... is this not too much rambo? How do i know if i go full rambo?

Sometimes im still butthurt at such a degree that when all calmes down and she wants to fck.. i dont even want to. Because i can still hear her yell at me.. i hate that. How can i overcome the butthurt?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

No one can learn to be stoic overnight. You only need to worry about one thing at a time, first you keep it to this issue. Only deal with the gaslighting, when she mentions it again be firm, do EXACTLY what I suggested. Weather the storm, it is not going Rambo, it is a single issue. She is waaaay outta line, women crave boundaries. You will probably be amazed at the results. The key is remaining calm, if you waver even a little bit she will be like a shark who smells blood. If she can smell fear on you she will attack, if you hold frame and refuse to indulge her emotional bullshit she will melt and act like a little angel for days. She needs this more than you do. For fucks sake grow a pair, it is really not that hard to say "excuse me, do not speak to me like that" and then remain composed and unemotional. Do not overthink this

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I remember this one time i was sick and tired of her yelling and cursing at me. I just snapped and told her i dont fcking care what i did or did not do.. you dont talk to me like that.

And i could see in her eyes she was shocked and didnt expect me to react like that... afterwards she said it was kind of sexy... i didnt expect that.

This other time i tried(in a wrong way i guess) to ngaf but she kept saying i clearly dont care about her feelings and dont even bother to comfort her etc. Etc.

How do i handle the "you dont even comfort me. See im right you dont love me like i love you" -shittest?

P.s. thanks for your amazing replies.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Over time you'll learn how to be an oak. That is, you don't go storming off when she rages on you and you don't blow up and yell when she's being a bitch. You stand there and weather the storm of her emotions, while having compassion. Her childish tantrums will either be slightly amusing or cause you to feel sad that she's being such a cunt.

You and your wife probably never learned how to fight assertively. It's going to take time for the both of you to learn these complex interpersonal dynamics. Realize, she doesn't want to be a bitch. It's all she knows how to do. So laugh it off, give her a hug, and don't take her so seriously

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You say "if I did not love you I would let you get away with it"

Then go radio silence. Remember STFU

[–]BotPaperScissors0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Paper! ✋ I win

[–]thewholefnshow5471 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

The whole fat thing is a tricky subject. However, as the man, you need to set the fitness baseline for your relationship.

  • Did you just get back to going to the gym or have you always been going to the gym? That's the main difference. Are you a, well I am getting a bit of a belly, better go for a run, or I am trying to break 26 minutes on my 3mile course today? Its not a chore, its a lifestyle. Set the bar at never missing a workout. Working out is addictive, all you got to do is get her hooked. Be the role model for fitness in your family. Find a gym with a built in day care, go pay the Iron Price together. Buy some bikes, get one of those trailers for the kid. Get a running stroller (those fuckers suck by the way, they will kill your legs) go running together. Be active, be active together.

  • Gotta give her time to bounce back from the baby. Seems like yours is stalling a bit. I would go with positive reinforcement rather than "you're a fat pig." Maybe try "lets go for a walk/run/bikeride/play Frisbee -- anything active."

  • Get all of the garbage food out of your house. No chips, cookies or anything with empty calories (except beer! keep the beer!) No more eating out, everything is home cooked and healthful.

  • Don't punish her with less sex. Punish her with more sex!

[–]AquitasVeritas0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Well before we got married i went to the gym 2-3 times a week. I am a hardgainer so i kept my diet strictly. Or else i would lose too much weight. But after marriage and fulltime job and a kid i just lost track. Often we are "too busy" so we eat crap like mcdonalds or dominos. But since i can eat whatever i like and hardly gain any kilos.. you get it.. she blames me. And shes right. I should be on top of everything.

She told me she wanted to lose some weight so i told her i was going to help her. But nothing happened and thats because i need to take the lead. Im about to make a workoutplan+diet for us both because of my work i started to lose a lot of weight(nightshifts breaks my apetite or however you spell that).

I bought wisnifg yesterday and im gonbe start never missing a workout starting today(been slacking again for 2 weeks now).

I feel kind of lucky with her because mlst of the times shes honest. She actually says she wants me to take the lead and want me to speak up and man up. And the little times i do it she is an adorable little girl and does every thing i ask her... litterally everything.. so yes mrp is all about me not her...

How do you guys cope with insecurities?

Once again.. thank you guys for all the comments. Im going to save this and read it everytime i feel insecure..

[–]thewholefnshow5470 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My insecurities? I can usually ignore them. Her insecurities? Not my problem. However, if you are a good, supportive leader, you are leading by example, and she feels like you two are a team, then her insecurities will melt away.

Looks like you got a good attitude and know the price of constant gym time. Just make sure its a total team effort. You can't have a post workout Big Mac, and tell her that she should get the salad, what you should do is drive right past Micky-D's and forget it exists. You also have to make time for each other to do solo gym/running work. Which really is not a big deal once you get into the grove.

I also reread you original post and you mentioned something about less sex. Way I see it, you should be aiming for excessive sex. She is overweight and feeling insecure, daily bangings will help her feel more sexy and confident. Plus, its FUN! If you are in much better shape than she is, her mental sex rank may be 1-2 points lower than your. She should probably be open to any of your advances. Take advantage of the situation and set a new banging baseline as well (as in daily). Then when she does get back into shape, you will have a better looking more sexually open wife -- this should be your goal state.



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