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Depression and MRP

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May 31, 2017
9 upvotes

First time poster to askMRP, looking for blunt feedback in any form.

TL;DR: Woman reacts to depressed, emotional husband in typical AWALT manner. Need to fix.

Background: M34 F32, married 1 year and together 4. No kids yet, unlikely in the next 1-2 years. Both busy professionals, good income, affluent lifestyle, etc. Relationship is the typical story: starts out with a bang, DB sets in, BP bitching and whining gets me nowhere, I find MRP and here we are. Been RP aware for the past year but things have not started clicking until recently.

Problem: Working slowly through the sidebar I’ve been able to start recognizing patterns in behavior with myself and the wife, although the consistency in implementing the necessary changes with myself has been difficult. I’ve had a mild to severe depression with associated anxiety for the past decade following the abrupt death of my mother and never dealt with it. I essentially wasted the better part of my 20s doing nothing besides work (career trajectory very good) and some exercise, but outside of those two things I had zero social life and zero extracurricular activities. I’d come home and sit on the couch for hours until bedtime; enter porn addiction and general uselessness.

2 year LTR prior to wife was dysfunctional but I didn’t connected the dots on the problem being ME; wife is an upgrade on many levels however some of the same patterns are repeating and now I’m fully aware I own my situation and am the only one to change it. Wife has reacted to me being a depressive, whiny, emotional manchild by going headlong into her job and somewhat ignoring me. The living situation can be described as “affectionate roommates”. She had a fucked up childhood, similar to some folks wives on a recent post in MRP, she compensates by focusing entirely on her work and career, hence her ignoring me instead of engaging with overt bitchiness. Essentially: If she’s not getting a strong, emotionally stable mate she withdraws and works. This seems to be common.

She’s dropped hints over time about my baseline condition such as “You’re depressed often”, “I can’t give you the emotional support you need”, “I really don’t like these conversations” in response to some emotional blathering on my part, “You need to go do things you like”, “can you please decide for me” on some nominal decision, etc. Essentially, she’s out rightly saying she wants me to be a strong, stable, Oak-type masculine figure in her life despite her so-called feminist and woman empowerment political leanings. Funny how that works.

Started seeing a therapist to unpack the emotional baggage and get on a long term trajectory to emotional stability. Not an RP or NMMNG aligned therapist necessarily but there are enough apparent parallels between his advice and MRP to compliment eachother. Saw a doctor for the first time in 6 years today and got some bloodwork done to rule out any major medical issue, although I’ll bet a lot of money I have low T. Factor in mild ED and crappy EQ and you get the idea.

Sleep is shit and despite trying to improve sleep hygiene it’s still inconsistent. Sleep seems to be the key; everything else falls apart with garbage sleep and the negative feedback loop takes hold. Even if I can get a few good nights my overall durability sucks once stressors return and sleep goes back to shit. Working through the Robb Wolf template of sleep-nutrition-exercise-sun exposure-community, but again: sleep is the key.

Things recently improved: Social life without her, athletics/exercise, doing things I enjoy, getting out of the house, being flirty with women overall, general awareness of my own emotional state, trying to STFU about my problems.

Things to work on: Getting back to lifting heavy, leaning out a little, building frame, building identity overall, DGAF and not reacting to her, stopping validation seeking in any form, leadership and taking command of the relationship, gaming wife, initiating sex.

Sidebar: NMNNG, MAP, MMSLP, Pook (underrated IMO), SLSM (made everything finally click). Halfway through SGM and WSM. Put off WISNIFG due to length and density but that will change immediately.

Again, looking for feedback of any kind, any experience with MRP and depression, tips, tricks, any other resources available.

A huge thanks to the community here also; I honestly wouldn’t have moved myself off center on self-improvement unless I found the MRP template and the case studies of every guy’s journey on this path. I have nothing but upside coming here.

edit: formatting


Post Information
Title Depression and MRP
Author BirdManBrrrr
Upvotes 9
Comments 17
Date 31 May 2017 04:36 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206083
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6eg4xl/depression_and_mrp/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipMAPWISNIFGAWALTframelong term relationshipliftfeministNMMNG
Comments

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

I wrote about exactly this in my post The Void.

You've made improvements already which is great.

now you need to take a look at life from an authentic point of view.

What is it that you want to do.

Does that align with what you are doing?

A lot of guys who are bummed out/depressed/victim mindset guys are actually suffering from a repression of self.

They're working a job they hate and so busy trying to keep up with consumption that they never stop to feel a breeze, see the colors in the world, and find appreciation in the very fact that they're alive.

Men and women alike are suffering a life of 'repressed' self in order to fit the conformist mold they've been told will bring happiness.

Buying more won't fill that void, finding your true 'self' will.

[–]BirdManBrrrr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Awesome post. This echos WSM in so many ways: finding & living one's passion, being authentic, etc. Thanks for this.

[–]RPmatrix0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A lot of guys who are bummed out/depressed/victim mindset guys are actually suffering from a repression of self.

They're working a job they hate and so busy trying to keep up with consumption that they never stop to feel a breeze, see the colors in the world, and find appreciation in the very fact that they're alive.

very true and sadly all too common, the OP is an example from what he says about his 20's and IMO it's probably the basis of his depression as well ..

[–]number1233563 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wow almost the same story as mine. Wish you luck! And hit the gym asap! Testosteron is a killer for depression. I also like boxing - it is great to get some punches to the head if you slack off ;)

[–]BirdManBrrrr[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

BJJ may be in my future, actually.

[–]brotherpotatos0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

BJJ is awesome stress relief. Great confidence booster.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Lift and get in therapy or group for your grief.

Sublimating loss will prevent you from finding your authentic self. You'll dwell on risk, instead of acting, and focus on the negative outcomes (everyone I care about leaves, dies, etc...).

Your woman is fucking BEGGING you to get your shit together and LEAD. Glad you see it. Are you going to do something about it?

[–]BirdManBrrrr[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The fucked up part is for whatever she's told me to my face never sunk in until I discovered MRP and gained the context for what she was really telling me. Long way to go, but the self-awareness and assessment were huge on their own.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Men in a plugged in haze are busier dealing with the feelings, volume and intensity of the words, and not the content of the conversation. Most want to placate mommy and stop the scary words, because if she's mad, her pussy is off limits.

RP provides context, so a man can see what is filler, and what is a cry for help. Believe it or not, if you're attractive and have any potential at all, she'll want you to succeed. Hell, she'll even convince herself that she was the motivation.

We know better.

[–]atlhartRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

The psychological and physiological benefits of lifting cannot be understated here. Start lifting immediately. The benefits will be immediate and long lasting. Immediately you will begin to feel better. Lifting releases endorphins, you're bodies happy pills, and lifting has scientifically studied positive effects in those suffering clinical depression.

Here's a nice short summary, with links to scientific studies, of the benefit both physical and psychological, of lifting:

https://daringtolivefully.com/benefits-of-lifting-weights

[–]BirdManBrrrr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Deadlifts do make me happy...

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

TL;DR: Woman reacts to depressed, emotional husband in typical AWALT manner. Need to fix.

didn't tell me much so i don't have any feedback for you.

i value your words as much as you value your words. since you have a tldr, it's not very much.

[–]BirdManBrrrr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I see what you did there...

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Here's the deal. Even the very best of wives don't want to see their men as weak. Society has sold a bill of false goods by 'teaching' men that women want guys who are 'sensitive' and 'open' to them. That's only partially true. Women want assertive, confident guys who occasionally reveal their tender side in about a 90% alpha / 10% beta ratio. In other words, your 'Chad' side needs to come about far more often than your beta side.

How does that translate to your LTR / wife? You have to be strong and have her see you as strong in order for her to be sexually attracted to her. Women are not wired to be attracted to things they see as weaker than them. It's not going to happen. As such, while she may mean well, you simply cannot use her to fix your emotional problems. You've got to sort out that stuff on your own where she doesn't hear about it, have to think about it, or worry about it. If she is spending time worrying about your emotional state, I promise you that she won't be spending time thinking about seducing you.

[–]BirdManBrrrr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You've got to sort out that stuff on your own where she doesn't hear about it, have to think about it, or worry about it.

That's exactly the conclusion I came to.



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