706,399 posts

Should I stop her, set a trap or ignore?

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February 24, 2017
7 upvotes

My first post here with a shiny new account.. Started taking the red pill four months ago. I don’t have time right now for all of the background (it’s quite typical anyway) married 9 years together 13 years x2 kids. Marriage was very rocky between 2011 and 2015. Done/doing allot of the sidebar and though still a long way to go but making decent and motivating progress.

My predicament: One of my family members is quite ill, like months maybe weeks to go (its cameon quite suddenly like in the last month). I am going to fly back home (we live in another country) in the next two weeks for a long weekend (cant do more than that unfortunately) to say hi & possibly bye.. I said we will all go but my wife said I should go with the kids alone as it’s a long way and she has a lot of work to do etc. I told here it’s important for me that we all go and that we go together and are seen as a strong family unit and if she asked the same of me she would expect me to support her; she accepted. However she brought up the matter again another two times (different angles), each time I stood firm. The last time she mentioned it I gave a different answer. Doing my best to hold frame I said “You know what I think but I won’t force you to do this for me, you are right it’s a long trip and will be stressful and will interfere with work so if you don’t want to come I will take the kids alone.” She asked about a dozen times if I was 100% sure and I remained stoic. Then after much hamstring she said "ok I will come but can I work over one of the next Saturdays to make for it?" I said yes sure.

Now the reason for finding the red pill is 4 months ago I found signs (though nothing definite) that she might have been seeing some else form work over the last few years. I have dug deeper and tracked back and forward since then and found 0 evidence to confirm this other than some (like 2) flirty (by her standards) emails in the last two years, also MAP is working very well, sex is up (x2 weekly previously monthly and she initiates about 10% of the time before it was 0), shit tests being passed etc. But the trip, weekend thing has got me thinking again.

So my question is what to do? Make her go, let her stay for a whole weekend, let her have a Saturday, forget it and stay on MAP (if she is up to something then don’t stop here and concentrate on myself), set a trap (and if so how?), all of the above? I will answer specifics if needed.

Thanks guys!

-edit typos


Post Information
Title Should I stop her, set a trap or ignore?
Author askmpr_rob
Upvotes 7
Comments 51
Date 24 February 2017 02:54 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206482
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5vxv0e/should_i_stop_her_set_a_trap_or_ignore/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret19 points20 points  (16 children) | Copy

Damn I miss Jacktenofhearts right now.

A lot of you unplugging guys need to understand that there are in fact shitty people out there. Some of them are in your life. You've been a beta fuck for a while and you attracted a lot of them to you.

what spouse would not want to go with you when someone close to you is dying? Think about that for a moment. If she loves you...and I mean loves you as much as she professed when you married her wouldn't that mean supporting you when you have to shoulder the death of a family member?

Now consider the type of human being it takes to push you out the door, with kids, and no support to go say goodbye to a family member, for the last time....whom you will not likely actually see pass away or attend the funeral for?

Why the fuck do you want this person in your life?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's so hard to say without context. Why should she travel out of the country to see someone she probably doesn't even know, just because OP wants her there. I know, she should support him and all that, but he probably hasn't earned respect from his wife. It's like sex-- you can't negotiate desire or respect.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

And him suddenly becoming a man will change that?

Maybe she's fucking another dude and sees this as a week long fuck-cation. Maybe she's just happy to have her hand crafted beta chump leave with the kids.

Either way, and assuming OP can pull his dick out of the dirt, why would a RP man want a person like this in their life?

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

You might be right but well its my life at the moment. Yes you could argue I made bad choices in the past but they are behind me now and I cant change them. I don't plan to walk away at the drop of a hat without trying to improve it i.e. me. If it works great if not then things will change one way or another.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Look it's your life. Your path.

A guy could just discover The pill and go fuck it. This is all bullshit I've been lied to. Then throw it all over the cliff. Burn the bridge and fuck it all. He wouldn't be wrong. Yet it would be in doubt is could he prevent his next relationship from ending the same way.

THe point here is to improve you. Not her, not the marriage. Those things may or may not improve based on the first. The mindset you want to go into is that she is your practice girl. Make your mistakes, your successes off her. Then when you are the man you should and want to be then you can make your decision.

Having been right where you are....I will tell you this moment, among others, will stick with you. When you are ready you will make your decision.

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I understand and thanks man

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

theres times where the 'sparring partner' causes more problems than it fixes, it's not a hard and fast rule

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I am sorry but I dont understand. Please can you explain or have I not read that far yet?

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

the whole point of sticking with your current wife and ignoring Rule 7 is because you get a sparring partner. A walking shit test to practice your shit on, so the next one is not more of the same.

If she's lucky, she sees the writing on the wall, and starts acting right, before it's too late.

At no point is this 'doing it for her' that's what I call sprinkling alpha on your life, and it never works.

But it's been brought up in the past. Some women are so shitty, that it's often better to cut them early, and deal with one "kicking the can down the road" at a later date.

Not enough to go on your scant FR, but from what little I see, her dismissing your 'important' event says enough. Hence my comment on your family may be -1 soon if she doesn't get her shit together.

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Ok I understand.

"Rule 7" which rules are you talking about? I dont think I have got there yet and I dont think you mean 'Always keep two in the kitty'

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Rollo Tamassi Iron rule #7, rationalmale.com

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Just started this book. I will get there thanks.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You'll the find the Nine Iron Rules in Year One.

Best to read soon than later.

[–]2gunsgetsome5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

On one hand, men walk alone, bigger shoulders, etc. You don't NEED her support.

OTOH, she's finding excuses (possibly real) not to be with you. People make time for what's important to them.

I told here it’s important for me that we all go and that we go together and are seen as a strong family unit

You expressed your vision. The answer is either "fuck yes" or "no". Excuses are a long way of saying "no".

The medium is the message. You're not her captain (right now).

Take the trip in your frame and don't giver her another thought.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

My ex all of a sudden lost interest in visting my grandma and some other family members in another city, which she always loved to go and we used to have a good time. A bit later found out she was fucking a coworker. Since she cared deeply for my grandma, MAYBE she would feel bad/guilty being around her, at least thats the conclusion i came to.

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

More likely was fucking the coworker when you were visiting your grandma.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ah, that too.

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks I will take the trip with the kids.

[–]fakefalse3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Trust your gut.

But let's say she isn't fucking around. At the very least, she's not supporting your interests or concerns.

Either way... Fuck her. You aren't as important to her as you had hoped. You need to reallocate your energy into yourself, your kids and all that falls in between. She'll either adjust to the change and submit to you, or you can distance yourself further and further from her.

There's a move I use to measure people. Call it an ante, like in poker. I place a set of options on the table for my wife or friend or whatever. These are a controlled set of options. I impose no judgment or personal investment on said options. Then, based on how they choose, I'm able to determine how much they value me. I have to follow through on the decision, it's the price for me to play and buy information. I then adjust my investments accordingly.

You did the same here. You offered her a choice. Based on her decision, you can decide how much you want to invest in her. Next time, be passive when offering the choice. They must feel completely free to choose. You must not react in any way to the decision, in the immediate.

You're on the right track though buddy.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

There's a move I use to measure people. Call it an ante, like in poker. I place a set of options on the table for my wife or friend or whatever. These are a controlled set of options. I impose no judgment or personal investment on said options. Then, based on how they choose, I'm able to determine how much they value me. I have to follow through on the decision, it's the price for me to play and buy information. I then adjust my investments accordingly.

Could you give a concrete example of this? This sounds like it could be very useful...

[–]fakefalse0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It goes from small little things to the big stuffs.

An old buddy of mine, whom I was finding myself distancing from at the time, offered to do a movie. It was my birthday that week or something and he pushed for us to get together. I remember that there was a movie at the time, that he knew I was wanting to see big-time but once we got to the theatre, he began to backpedal. I realized the pattern then and there, and figured out why I was so reluctant to chill with this dude lately. So I decided to let him demonstrate his worth. I offered for him to choose between the two movies. I didn't push either one. He picked the one he wanted.

Now, this may sound trite. I mean it's just a movie right? but I was young at the time, and this was my first realisation that people can suck sometimes. I remember sitting in that theatre, forcing myself to sit through it, cause I wanted to burn it into my skull and fully appreciate what it meant to waste my time.

Now, if I know they suck, I ain't wasting my time. Ii just say no or ghost or move on... Whatever. But if there's uncertainty, or I need to feel out people's nature, then this is a good trick.

With women they say, if you waste 10 minutes listening to her feels, eight of them are your fault. I get that. But I make sure I feel the waste sometimes, so that I understand and act accordingly.

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your right. I like like ante suggestion will refine this going forward. Thanks

[–]hephistab2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I don't disagree with the other opinions, but is this even important to you? I know you say it is, but is it really? Your actions say that even though this is so important that you cannot dedicate more than a weekend (which after flying time means 1 day?).

Does your wife know this person? Does she like this person? Heck, do you like this person? Do you talk to this person regularly? What I am trying to get at is whether you are doing this out of courtesy of societal norms or out of the true need to connect with this person before they pass away. Your wife should follow your lead, but if you do not seem sure in what you are trying to accomplish you cannot blame her for wavering.

Or maybe I am wrong, and it is your mom or someone really close to you where her presence would be natural and expected. In that case maybe she is just a shitty person and/or respects you that little.

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The trip will be a long weekend so I will get 2.5 days I cant do more than that because work. They are family but not parents. We talked monthly up until last week now its every other day via Skype. I do personally want to connect in private and it needs to be face to face.

My wife knows the person and they have met though obviously they are not blood. I will go with or without her, my question was how to interpret and handle my wife's "message" but I think that's been answered in the thread now. The trap cheating thing is a secondary point and shouldn't cloud the core matter you have correctly identified.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You want the whole family to go visit a dying relative before they go.

My whole family is going to see him before he dies, you do what you want with that information sweetie.

Are you able to say those words (or your version of) without breaking eye contact?

I would suggest having some work on the follow through if she decides getting a little bit of 'paperwork' done that weekend is a priority. Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? Even if it's not required, knowing the worst case scenario is a priority

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I don't think its that bad yet. But I did look her in the eyes and didn't respond to her hamstering which ended in here saying she would come but would need another Saturday to her self. Regards preparation's they are in hand.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

didn'y you say you aquiesed and left her home while you take the kids?

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

oh I see what you mean. I am not worried about that. If that did happen she can have the mortgage if she wants, I would be fine.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

so your punishment is to award her cash and prizes without a fight?

Dude, theres too much to unpack here, I'll be back after youve done more work

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Now the reason for finding the red pill is 4 months ago I found signs (though nothing definite) that she might have been seeing some else form work over the last few years. I have dug deeper and tracked back and forward since then and found 0 evidence to confirm this other than some (like 2) flirty (by her standards) emails in the last two years,

I don't think its that bad yet.

So which one is it? What does your gut say? I think you're avoiding the issue because you have the visit to deal with right now.

Tell her you will go by yourself instead of taking the kids, so you can focus on the situation. Leaving the kids with her will buy you some time to figure out how to proceed on the rest of this. She'll probably try to hamster her way out of that, stand your ground.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is your wife's job generally very demanding? I just know that my wife's is, and recently she couldn't be with me to visit a dying family member. So, first I'd look into the validity of her reason. Sometimes, jobs can be so demanding at particular place and time.

The red flag that jumps out at me though is the fact that she wants you to take the kids. I get it at her job might be demanding, but you are going to see dying family member, so it seems like it would make more sense for her to keep the kids there. The Saturday thing may or may not have been a red flag depending on her work load.

Trust but verify it. But, of all things, don't get up obsessed about it

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Terminally Ill Family-

Go and concentrate on you and the person as you have a "mission" to focus on and carry out. I would even think alone would be better. Obviously, that's your choice.

No one but you will have regrets if this doesn't take place

Spousal Cheating/Gut Feelings and Working on You

Gut feelings are - primal DNA driven intuition that something is amiss. In a time where we had to fight and kill or be that, gut feelings, and reactions to them, could be the difference between life and death. Do not dismiss a gut feeling

As it is, the very fact you found MRP, and started your journey, was, as you state, "I found signs (though nothing definite) that she might have been seeing some else form work over the last few years. I have dug deeper and tracked back and forward since then and found 0 evidence to confirm this other than some (like 2) flirty (by her standards) emails in the last two years"

So I ask, is this due to some insecurities or is it research panning out ? According to you, you have found nothing. But, your gut and your repeated unexplained reactions by her in a troubling time. is sending red flags, further reinforcing the gut feeling something is amiss

Only you can deal with this, but in my view, the red flags and the gut, there is something amiss. However, I would highly recommend taking the trip and concentrate on it first and foremost.

I own a small company, I told one of my staff I did not want to see him for a week when his wife had a hysterectomy. I paid all his time off. I have also extended many days off for grievance and sent employees home and told them to go with their spouse to see a dying relative. There is nothing more important than supporting your spouse, during a situation such as yours, nothing. I am sure your wife's boss would also support this

[–]anotherswingingdick1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I might have advised you to use this-or-that clever strategy to discover what exactly is going on when your wife uses her "Saturday time".

I might have, but what's the point? Even if infidelity was thrown in your face, you'd find an excuse to ignore it and use the children as an excuse for why you don't have any testicles.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

It may be tough to force her to go because (1) she doesn't respect you and you're a bitch (2) handcuffs will probably set off airport metal detectors. If you go that route, get zip ties.

If she doesn't go, definitely disrupt your time with a dying loved one to obsess about setting a trap. You insecure fuckhead

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sound advice very constructive.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Clearly more constructive than you're capable of understanding right now.

You're painfully in your wife's Frame... so much so that you're throwing multiple loyalty tests when the first one told you all you need to know. Additionally, you're fixating on how to 'catch your wife' when you should be focusing on captaining your family through the impending loss of a family member.

Focus on yourself, your kids, your journey, your mission, your passion(s).

As BPP was alluding to, "The stay plan is the same as the go plan". Regardless of whether the wife is in the picture or not, the focus must be on you because you can only fix yourself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Had a similar situation in the recent past.

It was important to ME to go. I went by myself. No discussion, no questions, no bullshit.

There are no kids at home, but, I would not have taken them with me if I did. Main reason, I never considered myself to be the primary caretaker of the kids if wife was available. Second, I just would never expose my kids to all that grief with a dying person. It's not in their job description IMO. Best

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes I will go, teher was never a question of that. I respect your opinion but don't share it. The person who is dying looks and is as they allays have been. When it happens it will be quick (sorry I wont give more details its not a medical thread anyway).

Even if this wasn't the case I would take the kids. Death is something we cant hide form, I learned this young myself.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Death is something we cant hide form, I learned this young myself

As did I, thus may opinion, that respectfully differs from yours.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your post, leads me to also suspect that your wife has some ulterior motives. The fact that you have been checking is the biggest flag to me. I would trust but verify. I would also trust my gut. Looks like her Saturday work is a good opportunity to check up?? IDK

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Now the reason for finding the red pill is 4 months ago I found signs (though nothing definite) that she might have been seeing some else form work over the last few years. I have dug deeper and tracked back and forward since then and found 0 evidence to confirm this other than some (like 2) flirty (by her standards) emails in the last two years, also MAP is working very well, sex is up (x2 weekly previously monthly and she initiates about 10% of the time before it was 0), shit tests being passed etc. But the trip, weekend thing has got me thinking again.

Your paranoia is really showing here, and it's fucking up your game. So far all I saw was a wife who is trying to accommodate a difficult time for you by not making you drag her and the kids along for what could be a really hard time. She is letting you focus on handling this without having to worry about her. Plus, she does have to do some work. So, unless you have some other reliable proof that she is cheating (which I don't see from you), then I think she is just trying to accommodate you and help you out.

[–]askmpr_rob[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

your right about the paranoia and you might be right about her accommodating. I goofed and mixed two topics in my OP. The cheating/tarp thing is a second point and not the main issue. Basically after stating what I wanted three times she didn't respect it and that how it is. I will go, if she comes fine if not I will try not to think about it and wont set any traps.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Basically after stating what I wanted three times she didn't respect it and that how it is.

Probably because you did not confidently tell her you were okay, and this is what you really wanted. She read the situation as you subcommunciating to her that you really want to do this alone, but have to put up a fight because reasons, so just keep telling him that you are okay with staying behind. (Or something like that.)

Women rarely take words at face value. They are always looking for what was unstated, even if there is none there to find. The way to fix this is to get better at leading her to where you want her to be.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Go yourself and get a nanny cam for your bedroom.

This really illustrates the fact that as men we are truly alone. No helpmeet, no wife in the traditional sense. Only ball busting competitors who fight for the lead continually while they complain, bitch and whine if you win, and hold you in extreme contempt if you lose. At least in the first case they will shut up long enough for you to put your dick in her mouth.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Bad day at the office ?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, good guess. I spent all day testifying about my investigation into the injuries several people suffered in an auto accident, including 7 interviews and a full accident scene investigation. Then one of the clients took the stand. She said: "Accident? What accident. I wasn't in no accident. They just done made that all up."

The insurance company attorney thought he was god damn Perry Mason while I melted through the cracks in the floor.

"Umm, well judge, that is not what they all told me."

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

research,as we know is substantiated with multiple sources. When you pour your heart and soul into a project it's hard to not it let get to you, but, in stark contrast, it's work and must be cordend off in our brain as such

[–]2235520 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I am fairly new here (2 months), so I may or may not be correct with my answer. I have faced similar situations with my wife for years. Different settings, but same content, wanting to feel like we are a family unit. For example, I would ask my wife on the weekend, "lets take the kids to the pool", the answer would always be no ( i have things to do at home, my legs are not shaved, etc, etc) I would get really butt hurt, especially when you see happy families playing in the pool. I can give more examples, but content is the same, wanting our wife to play along, and make us feel like we are important... Now I tell her I am taking the kids to pool, and if she wants to she can join us. I am OI of her answer (still a no though, with excuses etc.) You cant ask for respect (has to be earned), you cant ask some one to follow you (great leaders inspire people to want to follow them). So you are getting butt hurt, because she is not making you feel important enough, you care too much what others think ( I told here it’s important for me that we all go and that we go together and are seen as a strong family unit). You could have just booked her a ticket, and told her she is going, and not even give her an option to back out, or tell her you are going, tell her you are taking the kids, and whether you should book her a ticket or not. Instead its sounds like you tried to rationalize with her. FYI, its easier to see someones else mistakes, but in the situations, I would have probably done something similar to you. Its a work in progress...



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