I'll start with some back story.. Been together with my wife for 11 years, 8 of which we have been married. Met in our mid twenties (she was 24 and I was 26) and now have two kids, youngest is almost 3. Our history runs deep meaning circle of friends were similar before we met, our families do know eachother, that type of stuff. Things were really good for most of the time, however the last couple years have been slowly leading to distaster, which is where I believe we are at today.
Basically after being pretty alpha most of my life and into marriage, after the second kid and everything going on in life I have become more beta and lost some of my ways. Coming across this subreddit a few months back and digesting what it is all about vibes with my thinking, however did not start implementing right away.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and the wife breaks down and says she is completely miserable, doesn't want to be around me and thinks we should take a break. I can't say I am surprised since our intimacy levels have steered right into r/deadbedrooms, our communication has dropped off the map and I am continually butthurt with her mood instead of, you know, taking charge and initiating anything not waiting for her to start something up. Basically resentment has built up and everyone is all hurt. Now, my wife is a good person. She is educated, physically fit, not mean or vindictive or any of that other cunty shit. I just feel like it's been me that slipped up and let things get to where they are and I can't blame her.
We talked about what a break would look like and we figured it would be best if we found a place near our home and just alternated a couple days each with the kids and on our own to work on whatever it is we need to work on. She wants to see a counselor (on her own) and I should do the same, grow as people with time to ourselves and then see where we are at in an undeterminate amount of time.
The goal, I guess, it to see if we can make the changes (and by we, I mean I) so we can get to a place where we were before things went south. We both do not want a divorce, so this separation is like some sort of trial run to see if what is broken can be fixed. Are we going to see other people on this break? I have no clue, maybe, maybe not.. I can't imagine her with someone else (more because it would be hard to handle, this is the woman I thought I would ride or die with) but I could see it happening. With the set up we are putting in place the other person is basically handicapped since we are not like having sex during this time or doing whatever for our relationship so I can easily see how others could be attractive.
So after reading the guide for beginners and starting over the past couple weeks on the beginner material, I don't even know where my situation fits. Its like scenario 3 but it HAS jumped off! A lot of what I read makes sense and used to put all this in play anyways with her and with all the plates prior to her so I know there are things I can change.
The outcome I would like is to be together and a functioning family again. I look at my wife and I do love her, I want to have sex with her but not sure why over the past couple years I never did more to bang her every day or so cause I know she would and do the easy shit to keep our relationship happy and I can't really pinpoint it. I know I could go out and improve myself and start going after the 20 somethings and having all that fun but honestly my wife is awesome, I fucking blew it and now I need to fix somehow within the confines of this weird 'controlled separation' if it can be called that?
I have found since this all kicked off a couple weeks ago with this separation that I have maintained frame better in conversations that would set me off before and have tried to lead in simple situations (but obviously a couple weeks means shit, i think its more just the shock of it all that has made me take a step back here)
So whats a fucker like me supposed to focus on here and put in play? Should I be more distant, get my shit going, maybe start treating her like we are at ground zero and start dating again and get back to a good place once my shit is fixed? Don't really know so advice would be appreciated.. Let me know if anything is unclear here gents!