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LTR GF Lying about Vacation (X-Post from askTRP) - Update + Need Advice

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June 27, 2016
7 upvotes

This is a cross-post/follow up from a thread I created 2 days ago on askTRP.

https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4ppnoh/emergency_trp_ltr_advice_needed_gf_planned_a_we/

I've gone through the advice on there and after some back and forth PM's with one of the responders, he highly suggested I cross-post it here to get some other perspectives. I'm looking for actionable, specific, mature advice. I will give some cliffs on the back story, some cliffs on updates since posting, and some cliffs on me and our relationship:

Cliffs on backstory:

  • 4 1/2 year LTR. Girl in mid twenties, myself in late twenties.
  • Good sex life even to the day. Never been a problem in this area.
  • GF left her laptop open when I was visiting her house couple weeks ago. It was on Southwest searching for flights across the country.
  • Gf never mentions looking into flight, weeks go by, we go on a vacation I paid for.
  • Get a text last friday "omg found out something crazy today my head is spinning and I need to decide what to do." I talk to her a couple hours after because I'm finishing up work. Her "So this is crazy but, [her slutty friend] is giving me this amazing opportunity with her to go [cross-country on exact dates she had been looking into]. I try to be non-reactionatory about it. Do not confront her but just probe for all the details she will give me.
  • Gf has an ex-bootcamp instructor who lives out in that area now. He's in low 40's, nice guy I've met him before. Has kind of annoyed me how much shed talk about him and how funny he is gonna miss him, the nicknames and teasing hed do to her which she may have picked up on a while ago. That being said I know shes kept in contact with him and will probably meet up with him. It wouldn't bother me as much, because I know she will meet up for lunch or whatever, if she was more upfront about it. When probing her about "what shed like to do" while she was out there, "I know [family] and [guy i was talking about] live out there so maybe meet up with them"... So that's another detail about the secrecy of this trip that obviously doesn't sit well with me

Updates since post on trp

  • You can read the thread and my (definitely emotional) responses for more insight or we can start a new discussion here but
  • We've hung out twice. Each time has been intermittent between acting normal and eventual arguments of her trying to figure out "why I'm being so distant" "why im being so weird/sketched out" "whats wrong" etc. Same with phone calls we've had. I'm trying to act "normal" as I figure out my course of action, but it is VERY hard. So far I have not disclosed what I know.
  • Sex maybe 4-5 times while hanging out since then (normal - not out of the ordinary in either direction). We always do it unprotected (shes on the pill). Have been this way our whole relationship.
  • Have had some conversations with a trp and mrp member. It's helped me bring up and discuss some red flags I've seen with her and my own insecurities.

Red flags:

  • Sketchy about phone. Turning it on permanent silent when shes around me. Always having it facing the other way depending on what side I'm on from her. Turning to face me when texting so I cant see the screen. Hiding it when she goes to shower. Etc.
  • Sketchy social media activity. Snapchat friends with a bunch of dudes. Some who I know are trying to hit her up (past coworkers) and some I suspect are old flames. Always adding certain guys first (suspected past hookups) when getting a new app such as twitter, instagram, etc.
  • We've had maybe 3/4 "pseudo" break ups. In the past one, I know she got bumble (tinder alternative). But I don't think she was happy there probably did it on recommendation of a friend, she wanted to get back together the whole time we were on this pseudo breakup I don't blame her for it because I initiated the breakup (she'd later show up at my door). No reason to believe she hooked up with anyone or dated during that time.
  • High partner count - mid-teens by the time she was 19. Some other, we'll call it promiscuous, acts I know about.
  • Not a lot of girlfriends. Seems to have trouble keeping them. Connects well with slutty girls. Her "best friends" are pretty much whores.
  • Always complaining about things ("lack of sleep", this hurts, that hurts, this is going on). Health is a huge downside lots of problems there. Very sensitive body constantly sick/hurt/recovering from an injury.
  • Has a very hard time accepting blame or putting it on herself.
    Her mom's thought process/the way she speak has always not settled well with me. It's like shes scattered brained. I also learned from my mom that her grandmother killed herself. She has never mentioned that to me.
  • She literally never offered to pay for anything until it finally boiled over and I let off on her about it one day about 3 months ago. Since then, she has been perfect with knowing when she should be expected to pay her part (Im mainly talking about food here) and when I'm treating her. It just has always bothered me that I needed to tell her how it should be. That being said, she has always made an effort to bake for me, get me gifts on holidays, anniversaries, etc. So I've been happy with that.
  • Extremely insecure about other "girl" friends I might have. For instance, I took her to a work happy hour and she met a girl I'm friends with there (girl is in a long term relationship, moved cross-country for her bf). Really, really down to earth, was completely chill and cool to my girlfriend as we talked. Not even a week after that and shes FREAKING out about her. Saying crazy things like "i feel like you have some kind of connection with her" "you open up to her" just nuts shit idk how she would think that after one 20 minute conversation. Later on she would flip out on me over her texting me or why she was even in my phone... I've lost a lot of college "girl friends" that I've had by simply not communicating with them any more because I don't want it to be a thing (she has it in her head that I've hooked up with like all of them.. shes never said that but I know thats what she thinks)
  • Doesn't drink which could probably be a good thing.

Cliffs on myself:

  • Believe fairly good looking.
  • Have lifted on/off for the past 10 years of my life. Just pr'd on squat on stronglifts 5x5 mid april then pinched a nerve in my neck and was off for a bit. Just got back into it last week, coincidentally. I've done madcow, starting strength, and SL each a couple times.
  • Very good career. Make good money to most relative my age. Not crazy higher but I'd say out of 10-15 of my closest friends in the top 3.
  • Pursuing MBA. Try to stay socially active with friends. It can get hard in a new city (her city) but I have made some good connections. Unfortunately 3 of my separate closest ones have all moved out (work related). Makes me feel back at square 1 some times.
  • Don't think I'd have a problem if I'd have to go at it single again. I know I need to adopt an abundance mentality but I worry about regret ("sellers remorse") and making the wrong decision.
  • "Late bloomer" in terms of sexual activity and finally "getting it" with women. Did nothing in high school and had to really really work on myself in college to get to a good point. I've had irrational confidence and insecurity issues in the past for no reason. When I reached my apex, right out of college, is when we met/connected/talked and she fell hard for me ("everything about you just said "success" to me"). I feel I have "relapsed" (not in all areas) but definitely in some over the course of this relationship. It is my first relationship, if I haven't mentioned that.

Ok, anyway enough cliffs. I've narrowed down my course of action to I think two actions. I welcome advice on them, or any separate ones you guys might have.

  1. Continue to "Try" to act normal till shes on her flight back from her trip (I dont want to be the asshole to ruin her trip by texting her the second she takes off... I believe that will just make her extremely vengeful). Drop off her shit at her moms, change my locks, block on all social media, and text her something like "I know you've been planning this trip for weeks. I tried to act "normal" so you could enjoy your trip you've always wanted to go on... obviously that was hard for me. I've left your stuff at your moms, dont worry about the key. Thanks for the last four years, seriously. Please don't try to contact me." While this has been the main advice over on asktrp, i almost feel like its a cop out/juvenille and immature thing to do. I honestly don't know if it's the right thing or not. It's either my gut saying it's not, or my insecurities saying its not (and its what I should just do) and I'm having a really fucking hard time figuring out which.

  2. As I mentioned, she's been prying me to open up to her about why I haven't been myself... at all. My plan here would be to ask her over after work and talk to her about it. Not confrontationally... but something like "look we need to talk" kind of attitude. Just putting it out there like "I know you've been planning this trip for weeks. The other week you had me go get the dog blanket upstairs and your computer was wide open searching for this flight date and time you mentioned your friend just "out of nowhere" called you up about." See how she reacts. Try to understand why this is how she approached it to bring it up to me. In all honesty, I think she just wants to go on this trip and felt like she couldn't bring it up to me a normal way and just tell me how she was planning. To me, it always seems like shes been pretty deathly afraid of losing me. In our past pseudo-breakups (all initiated by me) one of the times her mom called me up and started crying like "I know she loves you, even when she doesnt act like it to you."

Anyway, I need honest, mature, and possibly kick-in-the ass advice. I welcome all your responses no matter what you want to say. I want to better myself from this whether thats with her in my future or on my own. I honestly believe that will happen. In the mean-time, it's time for my gym break and I will get working on the side bar. I'll be checking back in.


Post Information
Title LTR GF Lying about Vacation (X-Post from askTRP) - Update + Need Advice
Author trp-throwaway-vacay
Upvotes 7
Comments 48
Date 27 June 2016 02:55 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207362
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4q3q9c/ltr_gf_lying_about_vacation_xpost_from_asktrp/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
abundancelong term relationshipthe red pill
Comments

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (29 children) | Copy

Their advice was spot on. Stop being a faggot Here.

Don't tell her you know. Just leave. Don't do things to ruin her vacation either. Just be gone.

Best case here, you say (with frame) proper women in an Ltr don't go travelling with their promiscuous friends across country, alone.

And never another word on it. She can go, and you text her where her things are, never look back.

She can stay, some girls just need to be told "no". But in that case, if you have to constantly tell her not step over your boundaries, is it worth it?

If you can dark triad, then say nothing, plate her.. Most can't, because they keep forgiving women and hamstering bullshit.

Mrp isn't some way to use adult, mature magic to turn girls proper, it's just trp with financial and custody ramifications.

Nut up, or tattoo cuck on your ass. Time to decide buddy

[–]KyfhoMyoba0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You know the phrase "going ghost?" You are in the wind, bro. Gone, never to be seen again.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Your recounting of her delivery and revelation to you about this 'amazeballs-trip-opportunity with my slutty friend that ends up near where a higher branch lives" speaks volumes.

So do you with trying to generalize and apply "healthy relationships can do x" hamster. Fuck that.

We're not biologically the same. We don't same-sex friend vacation the same.

Your gut is telling you something. Your brain is rationalizing why your gut is wrong.

When you have to take this many bullet points to try to rationalize why not vs. the ONE unspoken why wouldn't she... come on.

She's bucking for a demotion.

Girl in mid twenties, myself in late twenties.

Plate.

This isn't about holding her back. This is about you losing your SMV to a point where she does this. Plans this ahead of time and lies-by-omission with the sale on the trip.

IF, on the other hand, she'll never admit that she was planning this trip and was afraid to bring it up... then Im fucking over it and she can take her stuff and hand over the key.

So she's already sending up red flags and failed an honesty test and you what... just need one more test to confirm?

Another flag: Extremely insecure about other "girl" friends I might have.

Regular insecure=ok, extremely insecure and it indicates projection.

Sketchy about phone. Turning it on permanent silent when shes around me. Always having it facing the other way depending on what side I'm on from her. Turning to face me when texting so I cant see the screen. Hiding it when she goes to shower. Etc.

.

Sketchy social media activity. Snapchat friends with a bunch of dudes.

.

Not a lot of girlfriends. Seems to have trouble keeping them. Connects well with slutty girls. Her "best friends" are pretty much whores.

You trolling us, right? You know this is all textbook "Things a cucked guy notices too late"

And the kicker:

one of the times her mom called me up and started crying

Who knows her better. Who knows what she's really up to. Why would a sane mother, vested in wanting grand-kids, have this reaction unless she likes you and thinks you're a good potential lifetime provider for her daughter. And knows that her daughter is repeating some pattern recognizable enough to send her to tears.

You're late 20's , why are you so invested in her other than sunk cost?

Why do I know so much about her?

Fuck it. Don't get mad... get happy, you're about to be able to upgrade as well. Stop fighting it. Listen to your gut. Prepare her an exit. Watch her fly off down the runway. Some girls just aren't relationship material. Maybe she tried to be, maybe you thought she could be. Maybe she's just good for rotating fun and A LOT LESS emotional commitment and investment.

Although you don't have to just drop her.

Just be a man of mystery and that you're reevaluating a lot of your life choices and have decided that things would be better if you two stop living together (if you were? Sorry I wasn't clear on that. If not then just "so much time togther" (which is why all her shit is at her moms). You'll be in touch. Give it until she contacts you. If she doesn't , then she wanted out anyway.

If she's blowing up your phone after a day or so. (still let it go a day or so after) Then you meet up for a date. MAINTAIN ALOOFNESS , CRYPTIC-NESS. Be upfront that you're going to start dating other people. You'd like to still hang out with her, but you understand if that's not something she could do.

If she contacts you again you're still aloof, but more interested in showing her a good time and having some fun. So you go out to a club. You close the deal. You send her home again.

Sow the fucking seeds. Watch them sprout. Play the field. Get better options. LOTS of guys , who have resolve and try, can bump a girl back to plate.

My dating mantra also was that no girl under 26 was any type of ltr candidate anyway. No wall...no end to the partying and upheaval.

Final blurb emphasis:

  • In general: if your aloofness is getting some reaction, then let it do it's thing. STFU.
  • For some reason I sense you undercut your own dread a lot. To make her feel more at ease. A girl too much at ease gets bored and has time for all these shenanigans.

[–]trp-throwaway-vacay[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

You're the first one to touch on the mother crying thing. That always weirded me out and it makes more sense with your comment on it... I've absolutely shown both her and her mother I'd be an AMAZING provider (stable job - I get promoted fast at work and bosses love me, good education (halfway through mba now), doing thoughtful things for her (flowers, all that kind of shit), vacations paid for, etc.). We were already fucking like rabbits before I showed her any of this and became and LTR. Her mom went through a divorce when gf was 16. Don't think I mentioned that it adds some added perspective.

We don't live together (good thing) she just has some minor bathroom stuff over my place. We have lived together in the past. Don't want to get into details.

You could say I "plated her" during our pseudo breakup between around thanksgiving of last year and mid february. Did it all wrong (communicating with her daily, etc.) really set no boundries on that and we just ended up back together. I didn't take advantage of it either and didn't go looking for anything else. Yep, I'm mad at myself for it. I hadnt discovered TRP back then.

Thanks again for the comments. Really good stuff.

[–]Chump_No_More2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Young man, you are getting gold from /u/Countpudyoola and others too many to mention.

Another thing that strikes me by reading your 'personal cliff notes' is that you have an air of 'Good Guy' about you, not to be confused with Nice Guy (tm).

You have a list there which screams for validation as to why you're a 'good catch' for this woman and why she should be loyal, appreciative, and aroused by you.

You're still very steeped in your blue-pilled narrative of how the world works and it will be your downfall and lead you to misery.

I know we're loading you down with reading material but you have a lot of catching up to do.

Here's another... The Myth of the 'Good Guy'

From the post, this is the money quote to where your narrative must become...

There is no Alpha with a side of Beta, there is only the man who’s genuine concern is first for himself, the man who prepares and provisions for himself, the man who maintains Frame to the point of arrogance because that’s who he is and what he genuinely merits. There is only the Man who improves his circumstance for his own benefit, and then, by association and merit, the benefit of those whom he loves and befriends.

That’s the Man who Just Gets It.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Save yourself. Bail. You already know nothing good is going to come of this. You listed 9 red flags. How many does it take? You don't need some cinematic break up. Just get your shit together and tell her so long.

[–]trp-throwaway-vacay[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Thanks, I appreciate the advice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I don't give that advice blithely like I'm suggesting that it's akin to tossing out a pair of shoes. Look, you are a young guy and from your narrative you have a lot going for you and the potential for even higher achievement. Just the things that you mentioned about her (despite the steady sex and fawning on you etc..) are problematic. Believe me I get that social media is the third leg that makes every relationship a love triangle for your generation. You can talk yourself into and out of just about anything if you try hard enough.

Also, I am a big proponent of separate vacations and interests but you yourself said that her friends are basically whores. Not the ideal kind of travel companions that you'd want for your GF are they? (Cuz who misses a slice off a cut loaf right lol)

[–]trp-throwaway-vacay[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I appreciate it. And really when I say thanks and everything (to everyone I responded to) I really do read and consider all of your advice. It means a lot to get that from everyone on here because everyone who even takes the time out of their day to comment or post, on my stupid situation, is helping me out or at least giving me different perspectives than racking my own head for hours.

The social media sucks. The way my generation has been raised dependent on social validation fucking sucks. But it also has it's merits if you want to fuck a lot of chicks (and are single). Whether things work out or not, it'd take a lot for me to get back into another LTR.

Anyway, no, not ideal travel companions. And I guess I don't know enough about her newish family friend to really call her a whore... but I will bring up the fact that my gf has called her a "slut" (her words not mine) and "goes through guys like water" (her words not mine). She'll shoot back at me that some of my friends I go on guys trips on are "players, single, and fuck different girls all the time" (true) and I wont have much to say back at that lol.

Either way I pretty much know nothing about breaking up, if that's what I need to do. I worry about the fallout. It could be an irrational worry. Any resources you could point me towards on breaking up without your life imploding, I would appreciate.

[–]mrp_throwaway1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Advice for breaking up and not imploding? Tell her you're done, separate your stuff, stop living together and stop talking to each other. Spend your extra time and money on things you like. It's simple if you aren't married and don't have kids. Don't over think it.

Also it's not the vacation that's the problem it's all the rest of the context you put around it. That context applies to everything she does, not just going on a vacation. The reason you should leave her is because she's a sketchy girlfriend, not because she's going on vacation.

[–]Chump_No_More0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As an 'old guy' who has some experience in this... In all cases, your life will implode only because you allow it to.

Self-love, self-respect, Frame, abundance mentality... these are all choices, they all require mindful intent and a force of will. You do what is right for you because nothing less will suffice. And they're all inter-twined... you can't have one without the others.

And you, yourself, admit that you have problems with abundance... You've been weighed, measured, and found wanting.

Your course is clear and your resources can be found on the Sidebar.

[–]Simpsondimsum1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She has a high N count, a weak immune system and you fuck her without a condom? Get tested.

[–]trp-throwaway-vacay[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children) | Copy

We've been together for 4.5 years my dick hasnt fallen off yet.

[–]blarggggggggggg1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The first step towards unhealthy Nice-Guy style codependency is not trusting your gut, trying to spin a narrative to yourself that your feelings are wrong because of X and Y, because you are afraid of conflict, change or being alone.

[–]trp-throwaway-vacay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with that. I confuse myself at times not knowing if my gut is right or if I'm being insecure. Appreciate the comment.

[–]trp_dude1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

High partner count - mid-teens by the time she was 19. Some other, we'll call it promiscuous, acts I know about.

Not a lot of girlfriends. Seems to have trouble keeping them. Connects well with slutty girls. Her "best friends" are pretty much whores.

Extremely insecure about other "girl" friends I might have

Dude, she's already cheating on you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Keep her. Buy her nice stuff. She will make a great soccer mom someday.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She is not high quality by your description and you are waisting your time. Her high output of sex is about control of you. Put a ring on her and you are fucked.

I bet she cries and then states you are it doing enough to please her sexually, like oral.

Next.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She's lying and trying manipulate your perception of events. Do you really need to find her with a cock in her mouth to prove she is low value?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

lol if you have to think this hard dude shes cheating, if not shes causing you enough emotional distress, just peace out. what the fuck is wrong with you. you sound like you're losing your mind.

[–]SexistFlyingPig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can't mate-guard. It will just make her lie and cheat on you, instead of just cheating on you.

You only have power over you. You don't have power over her. She can do whatever she wants to do, and you can decide what you are going to do.

Given that, do you want to stay with her if she's fucking other guys, or do you want to find someone else?

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't believe in the next, no contact at the drop of a hat. Communication is key here. You need to let her know that you knew she has been planning this trip for a while. She deliberately chose to deceive you by lying about it.

That being said, this type of behavior is not something you'd want from an LTR. You know her plans for the trip, the people she is going with and you are completely ok with it. Tell her you want her to have a guilt free conscience during her vacation so you are ending your relationship. Accept no rebuttle, she has given you the road map as to what is going to happen.

Young man, make no mistake as to what will happen. She will slip, trip or fall on this guys dick. She may be devious enough to hide it forever, she may trickle truth you if guilt sets in, obvously drinking will be the cause(since she doesn't drink).

You don't get more Alpha than a DI or DS. Especially since you only see them at their peaks, not at home when they are all bitched up with their fat harpy hambeasts......

She is not LTR material, if my SO even hinted at this she would be gone and she knows it & I have so much more invested than you......

Good Luck



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