This is a cross-post/follow up from a thread I created 2 days ago on askTRP.
I've gone through the advice on there and after some back and forth PM's with one of the responders, he highly suggested I cross-post it here to get some other perspectives. I'm looking for actionable, specific, mature advice. I will give some cliffs on the back story, some cliffs on updates since posting, and some cliffs on me and our relationship:
Cliffs on backstory:
- 4 1/2 year LTR. Girl in mid twenties, myself in late twenties.
- Good sex life even to the day. Never been a problem in this area.
- GF left her laptop open when I was visiting her house couple weeks ago. It was on Southwest searching for flights across the country.
- Gf never mentions looking into flight, weeks go by, we go on a vacation I paid for.
- Get a text last friday "omg found out something crazy today my head is spinning and I need to decide what to do." I talk to her a couple hours after because I'm finishing up work. Her "So this is crazy but, [her slutty friend] is giving me this amazing opportunity with her to go [cross-country on exact dates she had been looking into]. I try to be non-reactionatory about it. Do not confront her but just probe for all the details she will give me.
- Gf has an ex-bootcamp instructor who lives out in that area now. He's in low 40's, nice guy I've met him before. Has kind of annoyed me how much shed talk about him and how funny he is gonna miss him, the nicknames and teasing hed do to her which she may have picked up on a while ago. That being said I know shes kept in contact with him and will probably meet up with him. It wouldn't bother me as much, because I know she will meet up for lunch or whatever, if she was more upfront about it. When probing her about "what shed like to do" while she was out there, "I know [family] and [guy i was talking about] live out there so maybe meet up with them"... So that's another detail about the secrecy of this trip that obviously doesn't sit well with me
Updates since post on trp
- You can read the thread and my (definitely emotional) responses for more insight or we can start a new discussion here but
- We've hung out twice. Each time has been intermittent between acting normal and eventual arguments of her trying to figure out "why I'm being so distant" "why im being so weird/sketched out" "whats wrong" etc. Same with phone calls we've had. I'm trying to act "normal" as I figure out my course of action, but it is VERY hard. So far I have not disclosed what I know.
- Sex maybe 4-5 times while hanging out since then (normal - not out of the ordinary in either direction). We always do it unprotected (shes on the pill). Have been this way our whole relationship.
- Have had some conversations with a trp and mrp member. It's helped me bring up and discuss some red flags I've seen with her and my own insecurities.
- Sketchy about phone. Turning it on permanent silent when shes around me. Always having it facing the other way depending on what side I'm on from her. Turning to face me when texting so I cant see the screen. Hiding it when she goes to shower. Etc.
- Sketchy social media activity. Snapchat friends with a bunch of dudes. Some who I know are trying to hit her up (past coworkers) and some I suspect are old flames. Always adding certain guys first (suspected past hookups) when getting a new app such as twitter, instagram, etc.
- We've had maybe 3/4 "pseudo" break ups. In the past one, I know she got bumble (tinder alternative). But I don't think she was happy there probably did it on recommendation of a friend, she wanted to get back together the whole time we were on this pseudo breakup I don't blame her for it because I initiated the breakup (she'd later show up at my door). No reason to believe she hooked up with anyone or dated during that time.
- High partner count - mid-teens by the time she was 19. Some other, we'll call it promiscuous, acts I know about.
- Not a lot of girlfriends. Seems to have trouble keeping them. Connects well with slutty girls. Her "best friends" are pretty much whores.
- Always complaining about things ("lack of sleep", this hurts, that hurts, this is going on). Health is a huge downside lots of problems there. Very sensitive body constantly sick/hurt/recovering from an injury.
- Has a very hard time accepting blame or putting it on herself.
Her mom's thought process/the way she speak has always not settled well with me. It's like shes scattered brained. I also learned from my mom that her grandmother killed herself. She has never mentioned that to me.
- She literally never offered to pay for anything until it finally boiled over and I let off on her about it one day about 3 months ago. Since then, she has been perfect with knowing when she should be expected to pay her part (Im mainly talking about food here) and when I'm treating her. It just has always bothered me that I needed to tell her how it should be. That being said, she has always made an effort to bake for me, get me gifts on holidays, anniversaries, etc. So I've been happy with that.
- Extremely insecure about other "girl" friends I might have. For instance, I took her to a work happy hour and she met a girl I'm friends with there (girl is in a long term relationship, moved cross-country for her bf). Really, really down to earth, was completely chill and cool to my girlfriend as we talked. Not even a week after that and shes FREAKING out about her. Saying crazy things like "i feel like you have some kind of connection with her" "you open up to her" just nuts shit idk how she would think that after one 20 minute conversation. Later on she would flip out on me over her texting me or why she was even in my phone... I've lost a lot of college "girl friends" that I've had by simply not communicating with them any more because I don't want it to be a thing (she has it in her head that I've hooked up with like all of them.. shes never said that but I know thats what she thinks)
- Doesn't drink which could probably be a good thing.
Cliffs on myself:
- Believe fairly good looking.
- Have lifted on/off for the past 10 years of my life. Just pr'd on squat on stronglifts 5x5 mid april then pinched a nerve in my neck and was off for a bit. Just got back into it last week, coincidentally. I've done madcow, starting strength, and SL each a couple times.
- Very good career. Make good money to most relative my age. Not crazy higher but I'd say out of 10-15 of my closest friends in the top 3.
- Pursuing MBA. Try to stay socially active with friends. It can get hard in a new city (her city) but I have made some good connections. Unfortunately 3 of my separate closest ones have all moved out (work related). Makes me feel back at square 1 some times.
- Don't think I'd have a problem if I'd have to go at it single again. I know I need to adopt an abundance mentality but I worry about regret ("sellers remorse") and making the wrong decision.
- "Late bloomer" in terms of sexual activity and finally "getting it" with women. Did nothing in high school and had to really really work on myself in college to get to a good point. I've had irrational confidence and insecurity issues in the past for no reason. When I reached my apex, right out of college, is when we met/connected/talked and she fell hard for me ("everything about you just said "success" to me"). I feel I have "relapsed" (not in all areas) but definitely in some over the course of this relationship. It is my first relationship, if I haven't mentioned that.
Ok, anyway enough cliffs. I've narrowed down my course of action to I think two actions. I welcome advice on them, or any separate ones you guys might have.
Continue to "Try" to act normal till shes on her flight back from her trip (I dont want to be the asshole to ruin her trip by texting her the second she takes off... I believe that will just make her extremely vengeful). Drop off her shit at her moms, change my locks, block on all social media, and text her something like "I know you've been planning this trip for weeks. I tried to act "normal" so you could enjoy your trip you've always wanted to go on... obviously that was hard for me. I've left your stuff at your moms, dont worry about the key. Thanks for the last four years, seriously. Please don't try to contact me." While this has been the main advice over on asktrp, i almost feel like its a cop out/juvenille and immature thing to do. I honestly don't know if it's the right thing or not. It's either my gut saying it's not, or my insecurities saying its not (and its what I should just do) and I'm having a really fucking hard time figuring out which.
As I mentioned, she's been prying me to open up to her about why I haven't been myself... at all. My plan here would be to ask her over after work and talk to her about it. Not confrontationally... but something like "look we need to talk" kind of attitude. Just putting it out there like "I know you've been planning this trip for weeks. The other week you had me go get the dog blanket upstairs and your computer was wide open searching for this flight date and time you mentioned your friend just "out of nowhere" called you up about." See how she reacts. Try to understand why this is how she approached it to bring it up to me. In all honesty, I think she just wants to go on this trip and felt like she couldn't bring it up to me a normal way and just tell me how she was planning. To me, it always seems like shes been pretty deathly afraid of losing me. In our past pseudo-breakups (all initiated by me) one of the times her mom called me up and started crying like "I know she loves you, even when she doesnt act like it to you."
Anyway, I need honest, mature, and possibly kick-in-the ass advice. I welcome all your responses no matter what you want to say. I want to better myself from this whether thats with her in my future or on my own. I honestly believe that will happen. In the mean-time, it's time for my gym break and I will get working on the side bar. I'll be checking back in.