Lurking for 2 months. Read NMMNG and WISNIFG. Starting to own my gym, diet, self-image, making decisions, not apologizing, going out with guy friends, but still fall back to my old ways from time to time.
Starting to stand up for myself on compliance tests. However not sure I'm doing it right. I'm just now realizing how much anger I have after all the years together living as a nice guy and using covert contracts that ensure I'll never get what I want.
Starting to be more direct in asking for things. I need to work on setting clear boundaries.
Here's some background: I fucked up one night after drinking with her. We were having a nice dinner and out of no where she accused me of being aggressive and not being nice to her when I honestly was just talking about different workout techniques that she either wanted to try or wanted to avoid. Instead of fogging I got defensive and then angry which played right into the picture she painted of me. We end up having an argument at the bar and I let slip this gem "Everything I'm doing is to make our lives better... What are you doing to improve things?"
It felt nuke-ish and i knew i fucked up. Later that night I apologized because that line wasn't fair. Our shit is in disarray because I left my post as Captain. In the past I let her make all the decisions and when she asked for things I did them like her personal caretaker. I told her this that night and told her I was changing myself because the marriage never will work if I stay in my old ways. She sees my changes as being selfish but I see them as eventually being beneficial to the both of us.
Anyway, what I really need help with is what happened last night. Had a great night with her and mutual friends and towards the end I made a comment that embarrassed her in front of them. She confronted me when they left and at first I defended because i didn't mean anything by it, but after hearing her point of view, I can see how it could be taken out of context. I apologized for the comment and started getting ready for bed. She was giving me the silent treatment, I could tell she was still pissed but I wanted her to figure it out without my help. Plus I was tired and figured she'd get over it.
She starts crying uncontrollably and says she was looking at her veins in the bathroom and contemplating how best to slit her wrists. The thought scared me just as much as her. She's never had feelings like this before. I honestly don't know what to do. We talked after I calmed her down and she agreed to seeing a therapist with me - something she was never okay with in the past.
I don't know how to proceed. Should I continue improving myself or am I applying too much dread?
Edit: I realize this is lacking in details and the comments are correct: I don't exactly know how to fill in the gaps. But I'll try.
This was my victim puke before I changed my reddit account: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/45pcab/hopefully_not_too_late_to_take_my_post_as_captain/
Things have been lackluster in the marriage for 2+ years. 9 months ago, we both say we want more sex and a better connection but don't know how to accomplish it. My mom died in her late 50s from cancer last September. Obviously, I was grieving. In the midst of grieving, wife tells me she isn't attracted to me and isn't sure if we should try to work it out or cut our losses.
I get the Way of the Superior Man book and realize I've been spineless and I've restrained my passion and my dark side. I've settled for starfish sex and I was determined to man up and be the alpha man. Well I swung to the other side of the pendulum.
Since then I've been trying to slowly improve myself and hoping things would get better. I found red pill in Feb and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel but now I don't know what to do.