How to respond to wife when she's triggered and throwing out ultimatums

Redneck001 · 2016-04-06T18:11:40+00:00

Back rubs? No.

Staying up listening to crazy shit when you could be sleeping? No.

Going to get her fuckin Burger King? Hell no. And Captain, provide some nutritional leadership. She can feed herself.

.. I don't respond since I'm busy.

There's the answer to that text bullshit.

You have read the basics around here, right? This is 101 shit right here.

Archwinger · 2016-04-06T18:36:30+00:00

Seriously. I started to go line by line addressing your post, and it's just too much.

You need to read the books indicated on the married red pill sidebar, beginning to end, and start trying out that shit. You're beyond a short, bullet-point list from some stranger on the internet. It won't help you.

Griever114 · 2016-04-06T19:10:44+00:00

Here is step 1:

She is done? Let her be done.

Seriously.

People here will tell you that you need a sparring partner, etc etc. but you aren't ready yet. Thats ok too.

You need to get yourself to a mental point where you can actually work on becoming a man who doesn't get talked to like that...

...because right now you are a sad piece of fucking pussy.

So... she is done?

All threats are honored.

Go see a lawyer, draw up something you are ok with. Breathe.

She got threats? Oh good. Give her them walking papers.

meanwhile Do what Arch said.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2016-04-07T06:40:14+00:00

Get me food from Burger King?! Are you shitting me?

You have no backbone, you have no leadership, you have no boundaries, you have no frame. I like that you're recognizing some errors, but wow. You've let her steamroll you.

Every high functioning, respectful relationship has a brick wall moment. It's that point where you realize that boundaries are not crossed without repercussions. If she orders you to get food, she can go get fucked. If she would like you to get food, she's welcome to entice you (and blowjobs are an option). You need to wake up.

SexistFlyingPig · 2016-04-07T21:47:19+00:00

Let's try two pieces of advice, and one nice thing to say, and we'll see how far I get through your post.
"How to respond to wife when she's triggered..."
First off, don't use the word "triggered" and don't even think it. You are automatically falling into her frame when you do this. The word takes the blame off the person who is offended and puts it on some event or idea or situation (that is usually common). When she says, "work is triggering me" she's taking zero responsibility for the situation: she's the victim of circumstance beyond her control. When you use the word, you are accepting that she plays no part in it, and her simply being offended is the fault of work.

"Anyway I struggled staying awake to talk to her while she demanded back rubs..."

She demanded a backrub while you were too tired? This says she absolutely doesn't respect you. She "demanded" that you do something for her when she knew (and didn't care) that you needed to sleep. THEN YOU DID IT. Horrible.

So, something nice to say: You started off not responding to her text, and this was the right course of action.

All of your actions say that you don't value your time, and she shouldn't either. Welcome to the Married Red Pill. There's a sidebar of material that will help you to understand where you've gone wrong. I'm not trying to chase you away, because you've come here seeking help. This is a good place to start, but you have a long and difficult journey ahead of you.

TheOakenshield · 2016-04-06T19:37:48+00:00

Me tired and me not ready 4 work.

What the fuck?

You're married to a child and you've encouraged her to continue to be one. In addition to the usual first steps, you need to work on treating your wife like the child she is being.

Case in point: breakfast.

She doesn't want what you have there? Tough shit. She's an adult. If she wants something different she can go get it herself. My kids refuse to eat what I make for breakfast sometimes and I don't budge. They either eat then or it eat later.

Your sick of getting in a place where you have to "fix things"? Then stop. It really is that simple. Fix what is important and what you can. You can't fix your wife. You can lead her to a better place, but it's up to her to follow.

Read the sidebar. Talk to a lawyer. Stop enabling your wife.

blarggggggggggg · 2016-04-06T23:23:09+00:00

Add "Codependent No More" to your sidebar reading. DEFINITELY read When I Say No I Feel Guilty. It is NOT your responsibility to fix the feelings of another person.

Me: No I've got three conversations going at once right now and I'm tired not really able to communicate well. Sorry

WRONG - do not Defend, Evade, Explain, or Rationalize.

Me: Yes but that's ok. You needed me and I'm happy you got what you wanted

WRONG - it IS YOUR FAULT you are tired - YOU MADE THE DECISION TO STAY UP BABYSITTING - OWN IT!

Me: Not drama, stoicism. I say things how they are

LOL - Seriously, any time a dude is on here bragging how fucking stoic they are it's usually in a pathetic situation like this.

When she's saying she's had enough drama, that's a good point to sign off, although this conversation should have ended much earlier.

Honestly all this texting is lame, feeding her drama and wasting your time. As soon as she started with the 'u mad' shit you should have just said no, not mad, busy, we can talk when I'm home.

Then you would have avoided all this fucking nonsense. This is why the second rule is STFU - you are accomplishing NOTHING through stupid back and forth texts and circular conversations.

FearDearg2015 · 2016-04-07T07:09:09+00:00

"wondering if I should just stop the TRP and de escalate"

WTF? TRP is not something you "do", it's something you "are". If you reflect on what you are "doing", and feel like it's something that you could just "stop doing", then that tells me you have not really "started doing RP" in the first place. There is a pill to swallow here, a truth to realise, and a whole pile of untruths to unrealise. TRP only "works" when you've done that. It works because you literally transform your entire presence. You change. Internally. You see things like you've never seen them before. You know truth because you are the truth. You shed away all of your blue pill baggage. You live your life for you. You don't fear death. You don't fear anything really. That's not to say that life won't put you in situations where you will instinctively feel fear. It will. But you face that fear and accept it. You don't let it cripple you from taking the "right action". The "right action" is something that flows straight from your truth. Not from anybody else's. Not your wife. Not society. Not me. Not anyone else. It's all you. If you feel like you could somehow have "chosen" a different action, then that's confirmation that you are not living in your own truth. You are not living in your own frame. You are letting all of the "life bullshit" get to you and cloud your consciousness.

You are not "present" when you take action, therefore you are not taking the "right action". Nobody can give you presence. And nobody can take it away. Only you can choose to let the ups and downs of life cloud you from your truth.

cj_aubrey · 2016-04-07T08:17:54+00:00

You need her approval. She threatens the approval with criticism and uses your fear to control you with obligations. She camouflages this strategy by pretending that she can't control her emotions or words (being triggered) and the criticism just happens if you don't do everything right. Read the sidebar, you'll find solutions there.

duhhhh · 2016-04-06T19:23:13+00:00

How should I respond to my wife when she's crazy/triggered like this?

The combination of this plus MRP helped me.

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2016-04-06T19:24:31+00:00

Checked your history and see that you're ex-Mormon. I don't think that's going to change any of the advice you'll receive. But actually understanding what's happening in your marriage and how to handle things is going to require the same kind of revolution in your worldview that leaving your religion required. It's not just a matter of picking up a few tips. Read the sidebar stuff and the top posts. If you decide you want to move forward with it, it won't be easy but it will make you a better man.

UnlimitedEgo · 2016-04-06T23:51:34+00:00

Don't negotiate with terrorists. Or your second in command planning a coup

[deleted] · 2016-04-07T13:51:52+00:00

The kids and i are washing our hands of u

What does that mean exactly...just kidding, we know it means nothing and so should you. And I appreciate you posting your wife's amusing tantrums.

This is so much obvious fishing on her part and supplied with the weakest of bait you bite.

Stop at all the texting.

Stop all the talking.

The whole "I'm being stoic", beyond being a "Defense, Explanation, Excuse or Rationalization (DEER)" is like saying "I'm not participating in this" while you continue to participate. You're not stoic when you're reacting.

The reasons why women call bullshit on your "being too busy to talk" at work, is when you participate at ALL you're showing her you're not.

Also, when the conversations are bunk and you feel like playing (later) aim to amuse, fog or confound. You're treating all of this like it's logical and responding with logic. It's emotion.

its-iceman · 2016-04-07T14:12:24+00:00

You texted her claiming that you're stoic? That's hilarious.

Stoic doesn't mean that you do whatever she wants you to do without complaint or emotional involvement.

You're not doing RP, so there's nothing to stop. Read the sidebar material if you want an improvement but I doubt you will.

In the meantime shut up, stop engaging her bullshit, and stop saying she's "triggered" which denotes that something outside her control set her off. Shes a child, and you're enabling her childish behavior. Actually maybe triggered is perfect...

youcantdenythat · 2016-04-07T15:40:58+00:00

Amused mastery. Or bored mastery. Bottom line, you were way over invested and you explained too much.

Wife: U mat at me? Me: No why?

This should have just been "No". Don't ask why.

Wife: You just seem distant and almost like combative.

You: Nope

Wife: Ok. My fault ur tired rite?

You: Yep

Wife: WHAT?! wow, just wow. I have enough drama

You: (silence)

And you should respond with silence thereafter.

Also, try to limit your texting as much as possible. It's VERY VERY easy to misconstrue things in texts. But don't tell her that. Just start responding very slowly and with one word answers. If she asks why, after a long pause just say "busy at work" or "we'll talk when I get home".

When you get home pretend like nothing happened. Also, start reading the books in the side bar.

[deleted] · 2016-04-06T19:58:39+00:00

The most immediate thing I can tell you is, right now, to stop having any kind of substantive conversations by text. All this escalated because you were trying to "talk" to your wife by text. Big mistake.

So STOP doing that. Stop it right now. Today.

Texts are for logistics only. Texts are for "coming home now" and "call me" and "can you talk on the phone now" and "when are you getting to the store" and other mundane shit. Not for anything else, and especially not for substantive relationship "issues".

Otherwise, heed the advice Arch, Redneck and Scurve and everyone else is doling out.

sexyshoulderdevil · 2016-04-06T19:59:23+00:00

Lol, can I have a burger and a backrub?

So I know what she's done over the past 4 months. What have you done? You can start with the sidebar, and then move onto actions in the past months, you can end with your bench/squat/press/chinup numbers and current dread level.

This isn't TRP, we hold guys accountable for their decisions and responsibilities here.

Until then, you're on the official "Cuck" status list.

[deleted] · 2016-04-07T14:49:58+00:00

oh man dude, so many mistakes you made here; on the bright side at least you noticed them?

staying up a little longer to give your wife a massage isnt terrible, in fact that's a nice thing to do but only if she's earned or deserves one, but waking up early and getting her burger king? wtf kind of shit is that bro?? does she not drive? you should've laughed at her and went back to sleep or gotten ready for work because that's a complete joke. I just hope at the very least you made her go with you. not like that really matters.

Next mistake, with the text game, you shouldn't have asked why. You don't need to know why you think she think she's mad at you. she asked you a question and you answered her, end of story. don't get into all this little bullshit of needing to know why. The downfall of people is their need to know, you don't need to know shit (in this context of course, always expand your quest for knowledge and power).

Now you know for the next time, you got this and don't let her make demands. She can ask for things like a normal adult does and like a normal adult doesn't mean she's always going to get it. She is not your boss and should not speak to you in any kind of tone that is demanding.

"pick up your skirt grab, your balls and make some money" money in this context is get your self-respect back.

Title	How to respond to wife when she's triggered and throwing out ultimatums
Author	morbidhawk
Upvotes	1
Comments	41
Date	April 6, 2016 6:01 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4dmy0t/how_to_respond_to_wife_when_shes_triggered_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-to-respond-to-wife-when-shes-triggered-and.207526 https://theredarchive.com/post/207526

Comments

So, something nice to say: You started off not responding to her text, and this was the right course of action.