Thoughts on deference and the need to be right

lady_baker · 2016-06-02T16:04:08+00:00

Once I had fully internalized and implemented being submissive to him, which means putting his happiness first, that sharp urge to BE HEARD RIGHT NOW really subsided. The first impulse is to preserve our peace.

Now I'll still say things that are unnecessary and that I later regret, but not the same things, not things that directly conflict with him.

We don't really have the dynamic you describe with physical activities/playing hard. The only competition might be in a one off game, and it isn't really something that I would use to describe us.

Being at this level of cooperation and happiness is pretty new to us - it has taken 2 years of ruthlessly shooting down negative thoughts, forcing myself to apologize graciously and cultivating appreciation to get here. The way I "wife" isn't necessarily going to be necessary for women who never had to fight their way out of an unhappy phase of marriage.

Sunhappy_DC · 2016-06-02T17:03:26+00:00

How do you choose happiness over being right?

Being single sucks.

How do you foster healthy competition in your relationship?

I don't. I don't think any woman with a ESTJ/ENTJ/ISTJ/INTJ should try to compete with a man. Really.

Have you ever “kept score”? How did you overcome that?

I have but it was so long ago. Now when I'm in the moment, I don't even considering tracking such a silly thing.

MsSadieDunham · 2016-06-02T17:08:09+00:00

How do you choose happiness over being right?

I ask myself "is this the hill I want to die on?" And usually I'll laugh because it's about something so stupid that I'm turning into a hill. I've also just learned to choose the intimacy and harmony in my marriage over being right all the time.

How do you foster healthy competition in your relationship?

I'm not a competitive person at all so I don't foster this. I never feel the need to compete with my husband even if we are playing a game. Oh sure there's some friendly trash talking when we play canasta with his family or monopoly but I truly don't care about winning.

Have you ever “kept score”? How did you overcome that?

Overcoming this was a huge hurdle in my relationship and a real turning point. Once I was aware of this bad habit I was able to put a stop to it when I felt it happening. I also go out of my way to notice every little thing he does. For example the other night I hopped in the shower and as soon as I got in I realized I forgot to grab my nightgown. Somehow DH had the presence of mind to notice I forgot it and brought it into the bathroom for me. He never sees small details like that so it was super thoughtful of him. It truly made my night, as silly as it sounds.

maya_elena · 2016-06-02T17:56:32+00:00

At my most negative, I have kept score to make sure that I did more - paid for more, did more housework, whatever - to ensure that my righteous anger and injured innocence were legitimate.

Most of my hurt, defensive arguments with my husband (playful games or arguments don't count) came from a place of insecurity - insecurity about my family, my friends, my political beliefs, my professional or academic competence, my appearance, his estimation of me, his perception by others.

Three things in our relationship have reduced my need to be defensive, and therefore combative, even though I still retain basically the same politics, friends, family, and even insecurities:

1) First and foremost, I trust him. I know he won't leave over something trivial. If I screw up (as I do sometimes), I can apologize and fix it, without freaking out over the state of the relationship. In short, I don't walk on eggshells.

2) I have recalibrated my priorities relative to other people. Their opinions are secondary, if not irrelevant. Besides, you cannot predict what other people will find offensive or off-putting. Are your afraid your parents will judge him for liking video games? Likely, you're exaggerating their displeasure, and if it doesn't bother you, who cares? (Or does it secretly bother you, so you project it onto others?)

3) He has met me part-way: modulates his tone when he is critical of me, credits me when I truly have more knowledge on a topic, and shows respect to people I care about.

Also there are so many rhetorical tricks for ending an argument without surrendering - "yes! You're right! I give up! Guess what's for dinner?" So there's no need to fight using the direct route. After all, "violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."

littleteafox · 2016-06-02T17:48:44+00:00

How do you choose happiness over being right?
How do you foster healthy competition in your relationship?
Have you ever “kept score”? How did you overcome that?

Ego ego ego.

Having a good sense of humor, humility, an open mind and an ease of letting go helps with these sorts of things. The world does not revolve around me. My existence is a mere blip in time. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. What does being "right" matter. What do you value in the world? What contributions are you making to humanity/family/friends?

susandeath · 2016-06-03T10:03:43+00:00

Have you ever “kept score”? How did you overcome that?

I did this a bit in the beginning of the relationship. It was partly a keeping score and partly not letting go of things we fought about.

To overcome the keeping score thing, I started to track the good stuff he did for me and the good stuff I did for him, instead of scoring the not good stuff.

I did this tracking for a couple of months and by so doing internalised for myself that we are both invested in each other and the relationship. I still write down the good stuff he does for me in my journal to remind me to be greatful, but I no longer track. Since we are both trying to be mindful of the other why keep a score.

The not letting go of things took longer to deal with. What I now do is if I feel like something is a problem, I don't take it to him right away. I first discuss it with myself (yes I do speak to myself) and then journal. Then I leave it for a week. If after that I am still having conversations with myself about it, then I go talk. Once we have discussed something I write the resolution down in my journal and then refer to that whenever I get the same thing popping back in my head.

DebatePony · 2016-06-02T17:19:13+00:00

How do you choose happiness over being right?

I don't know why it cannot be both. When we get into arguments sometimes I am right, sometimes he is right, but usually it is somewhere in the middle. We work together to solve our differences.

How do you foster healthy competition in your relationship?

Usually were are much more cooperative than competitive. We play an MMO together and I heal whilst he kills, it works out well. If we are playing something like Monopoly with guests, it's very person for themselves. I always make sure to let him know that Boardwalk needs a butler and I like him in those outfits. won the last 4 games we played, brushes shoulders off

Have you ever “kept score”? How did you overcome that?

Of course I have. To overcome I remind myself of the things he does for me, even if they are things he likes to do and would rather me not do since he likes the manly activity (mow the lawn), or things he is just better at (cooking). Also since we have been together so long the scorecard is pretty ratty and hard to read.

Eterfinifrete · 2016-06-02T18:23:53+00:00

Thanks for posting this! I have struggled with score keeping CONSTANTLY since having kids. Before that, there was never a problem, we had an easy and fluid system for getting everything done. After kids, he started to work harder, and there was also a LOT more housework so I felt really overwhelmed when it fell on my shoulders. That's when I became a score keeper. I also feel like a lot of people ENCOURAGED me to keep score. From the time I got pregnant, I was constantly being asked if he was doing enough to "pamper" me. I started to feel like it must be his duty to pamper me and there must be something wrong in our relationship if I ever had to do any work. Crazy, I know. I've found the best way to overcome this is to do something fun together. Remind myself of how much I love spending time with him. Even if it's just listening to music together, or taking a walk...it's good to get away from all the chores and just enjoy each other.

VintageVee · 2016-06-02T19:11:59+00:00

Quite simply, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm not remotely bothered. I would never break my word or promise, but being wrong doesn't trouble me. I don't keep score. I don't compete. I struggle with other things, like jealousy and trying not to be a snarky cow, but not being right. X

Title	Thoughts on deference and the need to be right
Author	CoochQuarantine
Upvotes	7
Comments	39
Date	June 2, 2016 3:01 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4m7kj8/thoughts_on_deference_and_the_need_to_be_right/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/thoughts-on-deference-and-the-need-to-be-right.209934 https://theredarchive.com/post/209934

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