What makes men cheat/flirt?

StingrayVC · 2016-04-22T16:30:00+00:00

If this is something that he has been doing since you met and he really is super Alpha, this might be something that he will never stop doing. I tend to think the 10 pounds has nothing to do with it.

You say he loves you. Men are capable of having sex with other women and still only loving one. You need to ask yourself, is this something you can live with?

Some women can and some cannot.

EDIT: To answer your question in your title, some men are just unwilling to go without strange women.

sugarcrush · 2016-04-22T18:47:22+00:00

I have to agree with all the other ladies here. Sounds like this is simply the type of person he is. Since you don't want to leave him, the only other option I see is to give him your blessing but tell him he has to be super discreet and not leave any evidence out for you to see (or for your child to see in the future). Stop trying to look at his phone and let his business be his business.

However, I strongly urge you to consider the fact that your marriage will be your child's model for their future relationships. Would you be okay with your child being in this type of marriage? Something to think about.

_wingnut_ · 2016-04-22T18:05:21+00:00

there is a type of man who is compelled to cheat for strange and it has nothing to do with you. this is the type of man you married. there is no way to RPW your way out of this. he requires different women, full stop. if you want to stay with him, which im not here to tell you you should or shouldnt want, you can RPW your way into having a harmonious relationship with him, but he will still cheat and flirt until HE'S done, not on your schedule.

jade_cat · 2016-04-22T17:25:02+00:00

I know most places I'd ask for advice would say to leave him but to be honest I would not consider it as I love him so much. [...] I know you here may suggest the same thing, but knowing that I wouldn't maybe you could offer some alternative strategy.

Then you'll have to learn to accept his cheating. If he's a serial cheater, his reasons for cheating are not related to you at all. Therefore even if you try to change yourself, it won't make him stop cheating. You can't change him. The only thing you can do at this point if you want to stay with him is accept that you can't change this side of him and learn to be at peace with it.

Suzanne_by_the_River · 2016-04-22T17:16:34+00:00

Did he cheat on you before you married? Why oh why oh why would you marry a man who habitually cheats and flirts? And then have a baby!?!

I have a lot of sympathy, but you really set yourself up for this by demonstrating all along you have no boundaries for this behavior. He can do it and you'll carry on caring for him, being committed, and making a family with him. At this point you have to accept that this is the relationship dynamic you've allowed to be built and try to avoid getting STDs as best you can. The only alternative is divorce, which is also valid since you're pretty young.

Personally I would never accept a philandering husband, but I would never marry him in the first place. So clearly you have different standards.

cxj · 2016-04-22T20:44:16+00:00

he is super alpha in every way

This is why he cheats. This is also why rpw and even trp recommend a mix of alpha and beta traits for an ltr, because otherwise it ends up like this.

Saving this thread for the next time I get into an argument on why women should choose high beta men for ltrs instead of actual alphas.

BeautifulSpaceCadet · 2016-04-22T17:03:59+00:00

Hmm...........

I want to contribute more than what's already been said, but I'm not sure what more there could be.

Would you mind answering a few more questions?

Be honest: is there something you are failing to provide him with? I would normally say a trim physique is one, but given your circumstances (baby, super reasonable) and your realistic attitude toward it...I would not count that. So weight gain aside, is there anything you're absolutely dropping the ball on?
Same question but a little different -- is there anything unreasonable you may not be providing him with? Perhaps that could be the source of this. It may not be something we would advocate your providing him (i.e. perhaps it's as simple as multiple sex partners), or that you cannot provide him (i.e. he is into Latina girls and you are Caucasian). Those are just two examples that come to mind, and ignore them as specific suggestions. I'm only suggesting he may want something you can't (or shouldn't, or don't want to) give him and that is what is driving his behaviour. I am not saying that excuses it, rationalizes it, or means you should accommodate it -- but identifying the problem will always be helpful. Then, if it's a problem without a solution at least you can make an informed decision.

A few more questions,

Why did you go back to him after he cheated on you?
How did this behaviour make you feel while you were dating?
How does it make you feel right now?
What is your gut feeling about it?
What solutions have you considered? Or ruled out?

If you find the time to answer these, I'm hoping I'll have a little more perspective to offer

CoochQuarantine · 2016-04-22T16:39:42+00:00

If he has been doing this since before you gained weight it probably isn't that and IMO probably will never stop. You need to choose whether or not you can live with it.

classy_lassy23 · 2016-04-22T16:45:47+00:00

Echoing the other ladies here. Some men are habitual cheaters. That's just who they are. Most of the time, you can't do anything to change it. It's up to you how you approach it/deal with it/where you draw the line.

liftinginthemoment · 2016-04-22T23:12:21+00:00

Despite the fact that he cheated, you made the decision to stay with him. Do you know how many times he cheated? Did he tell you or did you find out by accident? Did he cheat both before and after you were married (to your knowledge)?

You made the marriage commitment having already known about the cheating and flirting (unless I am mistaken?). You say you don't want to leave him so I think the only real option is to accept that you chose to stay and to accept him for who he is...

cats_or_get_out · 2016-04-22T21:43:27+00:00

I am so sorry. That sounds awful. :-(

PemBayliss · 2016-04-23T20:38:00+00:00

So many times I have caught my husband flirting with other girls. He has cheated in the past (but not recently that I know of).

Men who cheat, do so because they can, because they can get away with it or don't care if they do or don't get away with it, and for the strange.

Men cheat for variety. Men flirt because they are planning on cheating, want to cheat, or are cheating. And it's fun.

Men almost never cheat because they want to leave their wives, or find a replacement wife. Men cheat because they want to stay married, and also have sex on the side with other women.

He doesn't want to leave you. If he's as alpha as you say he is, if he had wanted to leave you, he'd have done so already. Your weight or appearance have nothing to do with his tomcatting.

We broke up once over it but I ended up coming back to him.

He believes he can keep doing it and keep getting away with it. And he believes this because you let him get away with it once. And you're still allowing it, because

whenever ive caught him I try to get him to talk about it, but he lies until he can't deny it anymore and then apologizes and I can tell that he really loves me and everything turns out ok. But then it happens again. And he locks his phone and password protects everything and won't let me look at it.

And the cycle continues, and continues....

I know most places I'd ask for advice would say to leave him but to be honest I would not consider it as I love him so much. I've always thought maybe I should but I've never been able to make myself do it. I know you here may suggest the same thing, but knowing that I wouldn't maybe you could offer some alternative strategy.

And continues, and continues....

Look, this is going on because you are going through this same cycle over and over. He flirts/cheats. You catch him. He lies. You confront. he apologizes. You accept it. He locks down his phone and social media. It's ok for a while, until.....

He flirts/cheats. You catch him. He lies....

Get the picture?

Here are your alternatives.

1) Learn to live with his tomcatting (which is in your control).

2) End the relationship (also in your control).

3) Wait for him to stop tomcatting (which might not happen and which you have no control over.)

-TheOutsid3r- · 2016-04-25T03:24:03+00:00

You found yourself a cheater, you knew this from the beginning and you went for him anyway. No I am not blaming you for his behaviour, just pointing out you knew very much.

Your question should be less about how to change him or keep him from doing these things but on how to deal with them which in turn means whether you can deal with it or can't.

If you can deal with it and not let it bother you, then there isn't an actual problem. If you can't, the choice of action here should be clear aswell.

eliza_schuyler · 2016-04-23T04:51:51+00:00

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. To help you interpret the advice you are receiving here in the context of RPWives, women are encouraged to vet men thoroughly before marriage/children. Once you are married or committed, RPW holds that you cannot change your man, only yourself. I hope this helps you take the best advice from what you have been given, and apply it to your own situation. Best of luck, and many good wishes. <3

[deleted] · 2016-04-23T05:59:17+00:00

Are you available for sex or do you constantly turn him down? If you have have good sexual relationship and you're not turning him away, sometimes we just make poor choices in our captains. You can try and work on this together, but I would not tolerate cheating.

plein_old · 2016-04-22T20:53:21+00:00

If you just had a baby, I definitely don't recommend leaving your husband. Children need fathers, I believe.

Modern society (tv, movies, etc.) teaches men that it's normal and even healthy to have a wandering attention. Many people just don't know any better than to constantly flirt with other people - your husband probably inherited it from his mother or someone earlier in his life - and don't see the other-destructive and self-destructive effects of these behaviors until years later.

If you're the praying type, you could try prayer.

You could also try to gradually introduce your spouse to new influences (other couples, entertainments, activities, etc.) that don't tend to encourage this behavior.

Good luck.

[deleted] · 2016-04-29T01:16:46+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	What makes men cheat/flirt?
Author	elise93
Upvotes	15
Comments	22
Date	April 22, 2016 3:57 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4fz2sb/what_makes_men_cheatflirt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/what-makes-men-cheatflirt.210082 https://theredarchive.com/post/210082

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