First Approach

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May 10, 2019
73 upvotes

Hi everyone,

Yesterday I did my first cold approach. I am a little concerned because I discovered quite a bit about myself after the fact, and I would like some outside insight.

I had attempted to do this at least twice before yesterday, where I would drive to the mall to just approach a single girl. I found it inexplicably difficult to do, and I had really been trying to figure out why. I bailed both times, but yesterday I locked eyes with this girl walking with her friend for probably 2-3 seconds and I just said "fuck it".

The interaction was obviously awkward, which I was expecting, especially with her friend standing right there. I set out to get rejected, and that's fine. She told me she had a boyfriend and I thanked her for her time. My concern comes without how exhausting the whole interaction felt after the fact. I genuinely cannot even fully remember the interaction, and I can't even remember her face. I was so stressed out during those moments, I couldn't speak clearly or remember what I intended to say. At first, when I was finished, I was incredibly happy and proud of myself for facing my fear, but today I wake up just feeling exhausted at the thought of having to do this again, let alone "hundreds" of times over the course of a year as I've read in many posts.

I wanted to approach 1 girl every day for a month (with no expectations, just to do something uncomfortable), but I just realize now that this is not possible and exhausting in my current mindset (self worth/respect).

TLDR: How can I go about building confidence in myself and start loving myself to make this easier for me, knowing I have this insecurity about myself, that I can't approach women easily, that I'm not the best with women. High school and later life (TRP too) conditioned me to value men and view MEN as those who can get pussy more than those who can't, and especially those who are good at it. All the while, I want to value myself for being ME, as I am, and also being able to get pussy because that leads to a healthy life and good time. I just feel out of my element, and uncomfortable in my skin.

Edit: I’m getting so many replies I can’t respond to them all. I’m seriously grateful, I hope this can help someone else out in the future. I think I’m starting to internalize, even after the first approach that it isn’t as big of a deal as I make it out to be. I can just say hi, to whomever, and see what happens. That is what will be different next time.


Post Information
Title First Approach
Author mathmanguy
Upvotes 73
Comments 51
Date 10 May 2019 06:44 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/237939
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/bn22r5/first_approach/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 77 points78 points  (4 children) | Copy

Master the IDGAF mindset and just have a blast talking to women no matter the outcome of the situation is. Don’t think of it as a job, that’s how you avoid being outcome dependent. You’re exhausted and overwhelmed because you’re insecure about how you look when you’re talking to these women and it’s taking a toll on your approach. Just have fun!

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

Can you talk a little more about not giving a fuck? It feels hard to do when I’m doing all of this because I give a fuck about not having sex, missing out, etc...

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy

“I am here to have fun. Whatever else happens, happens. (Outcome independence. You are completely disinterested in a specific outcome. You control yourself and your ability to have fun. Use that. Everything else is irrelevant. Any interaction you have with a woman should be fun. If you're not having fun, leave her and go find someone more fun.)”

[–]danielid6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

This goes for most things in life, with this mindset you will always win and people will be attracted to that.

[–]VigilantSmartbomb0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hi jacking, Focus on more small talk and floater conversations.

Add in the extra line at the gas station cashier, any chance ya can.

You’re really just over thinking it

[–]Senior ContributorSkorchZang31 points32 points  (20 children) | Copy

It's exhausting because it took a lot out of you to do. You burned a ton of energy doing it. It's not just you, almost every man goes through this, assuming you're not some golden boy natural with women.

A significant part of why it's so exhausting has to do with the naive way you're currently approaching this. As you keep at it, try to inject more sarcasm/humour into your routine, more irreverence - i.e. don't be formally thanking a girl for her time or backtracking the moment she says "I havea boyfriend", you'll pick up on how common that BS is. First of all, her friend is smiling because no she doesn't have a BF. Second, why would you care if she does have a BF? Tell her, " I hope he's not the jealous type then!" and keep the laughs & banter going. Girls live for this shit, so you're making her day. Assume the sale more, play with it and the girl's predictable expectations/responses, instead of calmly putting your head on her chopping block and handing her the axe (this only seems natural to do because of blue pill brainwashing you went through, in reality girls are not conquered by obedience and formalism, they respond to playfulness, male fullness and irreverence). This deftness is ironically what clues the girl in that you're a guy worth knowing, even if she didn't like you outright when she first saw you.

Don't give up, future attempts will slowly become less exhausting.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (17 children) | Copy

I can absolutely see myself incorporating all of this in the future, but the initial anxiety and fear has to go away first. I don’t even fucking care if she says yes after I’ve approached, that’s how much I want the interaction to end. I wanted to do the thing I set out to do, which was get rejected and learn to “not care” and then be calm in my future approaches.

[–]Senior ContributorSkorchZang9 points10 points  (15 children) | Copy

If you're not averse to radical methods, I would recommend for you a very effective way to boost yourself outta the mire.

Abstain cold turkey from all masturbation, porno, and even thinking pornographic thoughts for about a season or as long as you can muster. If you fail, shake the pine needles off and start over. It will be fucking hard, you will feel withdrawal and the shakes like an addict at first. Then you get the crazy dreams,but after about two weeks, things normalize themselves and it's more or less smoother sailing. The positive is that your sapped low energy that is a concern right now will be replaced with almost painful, naturally masculine overabundance.

I recommend this specifically for your "energy situation" and your cold approach regimen, if you're committed to it. Not as a permanent thing, but as a booster. Doing this will change a lot for you, you will be so buzzed that you'll have not a care in the world what the girls think about you, and sometimes the girls might start approaching YOU before you even say anything to them. You will also see them differently, in a more loving way, which comes through in how you interact. Weird as it may sound, abstaining from ejaculation/porno/fired up sex thoughts will take the bitches way off the pedestal automatically.

It helped me to pick a reasonable date, let's say 2 or 3 months in the future, and commit. You're not touching your dick nor looking at any kind of porno until that day, no matter what happens. After day X, you're free to re-eval the situation and see what you want to do, but till then grit your teeth.

[–]Vikingcel2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

By avoiding pornographic thoughts, you mean thinking lustful things about random women you see?

I want to try this as I've recently relapsed to jacking off to porn daily.

[–]Senior ContributorSkorchZang3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yes exactly. Mentally firing yourself up in this way has physiological and hormonal effects, so a lusty thought is not as ephemeral or without consequence as one might assume at first. Abstaining from it (even in the form of lusty thought) quickly accumulates explosive energy that will express itself in your mental and emotional sphere instead, giving you an unusual glow & literal balls of steel.

On the downside, you will probably find yourself constantly balancing like a tightrope walker and the intensity is borderline psychotic.

[–]Vikingcel4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm gonna do this. We'll see whether my balls or brain explode first.

[–]danielid1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Godspeed young viking

[–]Vikingcel2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Disregard bitches, acquire hamingja.

[–]dominicthetiger0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know what you mean, the "super saiyan mode" you get when you balance lust and focus is extremely helpful, but it lasts for a short while at a time before you start to loose control, and if you slip you end up relapsing. Calming yourself down and focusing on other things helps, or taking a cold shower.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Yeah I can do that. I’ve been abstaining for about a week already.

As for my confidence, do you have any advice for feeling less insecure around other females/guys I “perceive” as attractive/masculine? I automatically think they’re better than me. I think these thought processes are shooting myself in the foot. I want to think I’m the shit, but I don’t feel like I can be if I’m not pulling.

[–]Sylvester_Sterone0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

d that you'll have not a care in the world what the girls think about you, and sometimes the girls might start appr

Keep lifting

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

It’s really that magical?

[–]Sylvester_Sterone2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

How old are you?

I started when I was 20 and now I'm 31.

People definitely treat me differently now... more positive then negative.

Honestly it takes time but the mindset and attitude you gain over years pay off; more of an inner game builder.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I just turned 21.

[–]Sylvester_Sterone1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I was just starting out too at 21. Keep going. You’ll be 30 approaching and pulling 20 year olds. Not only this but those males who you see as superior will be outshined at that age. They’ll probably be divorce raped too.

I’m seeing a 24 year old now and she doesn’t recognize my 22 year old self. Big difference in facial appearance and muscle mass.

I’d also recommend joining a local Toastmasters that will help you giving on the spot and prepared speeches. This could carry over too.

Whatever you do it will take time so enjoy the process and not the ultimate result.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hey man, I really appreciate it. I’m going to learn how to rest, and not quit. I’ve got this.

[–]ReaperX440 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes. Trust the process.

[–]supacigna690 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I was reading about a masturbation moratorium in the past month and was curious to try this. Apparently after two months your prostrate can get inflamed

[–]thrwy754793 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're voluntarily entering into a situation where you don't know what's going to happen. The gamut of possibilities is infinite. She could get on her knees and start sucking you off in the middle of the mall, or a comet could drop and all life would be obliterated. Sure, there are things that are more and less likely to happen, but nothing is 100%.

You will never get to a point where you have 0 anxiety. There's always at least a little bit of anxiety because of the uncertainty, and this is normal. Everyone has it. Of course, you can improve your odds of a good interaction.

The first thing is that you should be in "state" before doing the approaches. This means to be in a positive, carefree mood because this is what you'll project onto the other person. You should have the mindset of adding value to the other person's life. You're not trying to take her pussy, you're trying to give her dick. Before that, you want her to feel good, and you can't do that if you feel like shit.

Try to do exercise and stretch before approaching, so that you're loose, and pumped up with endorphins. Have a ritual in which you repeat positive mantras to yourself.

Another thing to do is to look for pre-approach signals. Use eye contact, and be deeply observant of their body language. If you've received and given eye contact, given a half smirk to say "what's up", and she's receptive to it, it's a sign to approach.

You can also open girls with an innocuous approach (asking time), use that to introduce yourself, and then look for the same signals to determine how to steer the conversation. Feel her out to see if she wants to get it on right away, or if you'll have to get her number to setup something, or if she wants you to go away.

A final method that may reduce anxiety is to have a set plan to escape the interaction. For instance, you have to be somewhere at X time, and this is your excuse to bail, and grab her number before you do.

Keep at it, and while no one has 0 anxiety, you will get better and have less of it.

[–]WillemDabro3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Reminds me of Patrice O'Neill advice: girls love us for different reasons. You could have half a melted face but as long as you're in that dgaf frame she will dig it. We love them because they're beautiful. They love us because we are in control.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

assuming you're not some golden boy natural with women.

But who is?

[–]FREECRACK610 points11 points  (9 children) | Copy

God, some of these replies are retarded. It’s hard because you didn’t warm up to it/ practice before. I remember I started daygaming seriously like a year ago, I think it was rsdtod’s program that had exercises of walking up to people and asking for the time, then for train info, then ask them to help you with something, and moving up gradually. Cmon you wanna get into daygaming by literally doing the hardest thing first. It’s like if you tried playing a pro football game For your first time. There is something to be said about putting yourself in the worst case scenario tho and how benefiting that is. Instead of trying to go straight daygame girls, go talk to everybody without any outcome in mind, trust me this makes the process 10000x easier, combine that with having fun and people start vieweing you like a social god.

Also if you can record yourself with earphones to re-listen to the interactions m, if you can record yourself to analyse your body language even better

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Yeah I have a tendency to really get upset with myself when I don’t do shit I say I’m going to do, and once I said I wanted to approach a girl and I wasn’t doing it I got angry so I went out and did it.

I think I need to accept that this it is normal to have difficulty doing this. I’m not socially retarded, I can talk to girls, I’ve had sex, I’m not out of the “norm”. I think most guys would shit their pants if they tried to do what I did, too. Regardless of how they “feel” about themselves.

So basically I should just talk to people randomly if I think of something I want to say to them? Like just follow my internal monologue?

[–]FREECRACK61 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Nah, just start moving up in difficulty with interactions. Start with the time, then ask for directions, then whatever you can think of. It’s just gonna make it easier to break that barrier of approaching strangers. Going full on game on girls will get you better faster than this way, but if you can’t even approach at all then you are never gonna get better so this is just a more consistent way. Results are pretty fast though if you stick to it, I’ve been gaming everybody for a year and I’d say I’m very decent because of this system. To be honest I approach anybody I find interestin. I value social connections more than just gaming girls

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Fuck man. I am just so unsure of myself. I genuinely deep down feel this nervousness like this is not for me, even though I want to become social and active.

It’s such an uncomfortable change. I’ve been smoking weed/playing video games/sitting in my basement for like 2 years and it’s just now over the past 4 months that I’ve really full on come out of my shell. No weed, no video games, no alcohol, no dependent girlfriend. Nothing. I hope I can shake this feeling and really get that confidence. I really appreciate your insight, I’m gonna go for it.

[–]danielid1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shave, gym, haircut, dress nicely etc.. and just start hitting on girls.. honestly, you can't fail.
What helped me was just not giving a fuck what other people think about me and ask out girls and be super direct with them, don't avoid eye-contact, when they responded positively I almost couldn't believe it.

[–]WillemDabro1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It's a muscle, the more you work it, the easier it will be. Sounds like you're trying to squat 4 plates when you haven't really done the form drills.

By form drill I mean the basic assumption that you have value, and anyone who you talk to can benefit as much as you do. From that point you build confidence, you can start playing around with the levels.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How do I “internalize” this form, of assuming I have value. I understand that me even approaching the girl is a massive compliment to her, but beyond that I’m not sure what I offer.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Listen to this guy. He’s got it. You’re physically and mentally exhausted because you went in too strong. If you never went to the gym and started doing 100kg squats on your first day, you’d destroy yourself too.

“Approaching” does not mean “picking up a girl”, it just means “approaching”. It only means start a convo with someone. You don’t have to give her a compliment, you don’t have to ask for her number, you don’t have to ask to see her again. You see a girl within speaking distance and you say “hi”, just as you would an elderly or a guy you’ve seen a few times at the gym. If they seem like they want to talk, just talk about the weather or any other boring topic.

As with the gym it’s all about regularity and progressive overload. Simply make the effort to strike up convos with strangers whenever you’re in the public space, and get increasingly bold/intimate in your conversations as it becomes more and more natural.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If I’m at the mall and I see a cute girl, and I want to “approach”, how do I just say hi and start a conversation? I can see myself saying hi but I’d honestly rather get to the point and tell her I think she’s cute and want her number than try to figure out some casual conversation to have (although I’d like this too, I just don’t know how I’d start it).

[–]LethalShade0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good advice. I've been daygaming for years and when I'm in the flow I can consistently get numbers/dates but even after doing it hundreds of times, if I take too long of a break I experience something similar to OP. Only difference is I know the process so I can get back into it.

Good idea to start off with simple things like directions or just giving a compliment and walking away. If you put pressure on yourself to have this fun, flirty, long conversation right off the bat, of course, you're gonna be sweating buckets and it's gonna kill your energy.

[–]Sylvester_Sterone2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Remember it's all just practice.

Are you feeling intense physical symptoms of approach anxiety? Similar to giving a public speech?

When I stated the approach women everyday routine I took propranolol to stop the jitters. This stops the physical symptoms.

[–]Don_Draper275 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

It sounds like you have a weak frame, low confidence, low self respect, etc.

Your frame and confidence should be built up first before you set your goals outward towards getting positive reactions from other people.

If you're gassing out from 1 approach then you need to stop. Energy is not unlimited. Mental or physical.

If you're using all your energy on 1 approach that lasts a few seconds then what energy do you have left for the gym? For your career / purpose? For your other skills in life?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes if I feel exhausted after doing one approach I agree it some other issue. I don’t know why I’m attached to the opinions other people have I’m finding it incredibly challenging figuring out the source of my “weak frame”.

I also am trying not to be hard on myself, I’m trying here but I can tell something isn’t right.

[–]boom_bostic1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop masturbating. Sounds too good to be true, huh? Every time you release that load — you lose out on natural hormones that give you a drive to accomplish things in life.

[–]_-resonance-_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It’s taking so much energy cause you’re thinking so much about it. Keep doing it though. I’m at a point where I basically open anyone in my path that strikes my fancy, but I still mess up and analyze afterward.

For example, I approached an HB9 and realized (later) that I messed up by telling her, after asking “How many boyfriends do you have?” that I wanted her number 5 spot, after she said she had 5 but just lost the 5th. Realized, she was actually kidding cause later in our talk she mentioned what was obviously her ex-bf, so I messed up by supplicating for her hypothetical “5th spot” in her rotation. I should have indicated I’ll accept no less than #1, or joked that I only date women with 3 boyfriends or less.

The banter was strong all the way through, and she gave me her number and Snapchat, but it’ll be near impossible to get her chasing me after I made it clear I’d be happy at the bottom of her hypothetical roster.

My point in sharing this is that even as you gain experience in opening and approaching, there is still room for improvement. Just keep doing what you’re doing and enjoy the process. Remember, they are everywhere, and you don’t (IMO) need to make a point to go out and game... just live your life and open whoever naturally crosses your path.

[–]escapethesolarsystem0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The truth is, like any skill / challenge, in order to master it you have to do it thousands of times. If you want to get over your nervousness, you have to keep doing it until you're not.

Now, I might get a lot of shit for this on TRP, but you don't have to cold approach women. There are plenty of other ways to pick up women without cold approaching (just like, for example, you don't have to cold call to sell a product, there are lots of ways to do it that often have much higher rates of success). For me, I just strike up conversations with people (both men and women) in social situations where it's normal to do so. For example, at parties I always circle the room and talk to everyone, each for a short period of time. For me to shoot the shit with a woman or a man doesn't make much difference. The women I have good conversations with I just stay connected to (go back and talk to them later, get their info, etc) and push them along until I get what I want.

That being said, if you want to master the skill, practice, practice, practice. After a while, the level of nervousness will get low enough that you'll be far more in control of the situation. From what you explain, your experience and feelings afterwards are totally and 100% normal for someone trying practice a high-stress skill for the first time. There is nothing wrong with you.

As for the IDGAF attitude, after you do it for a while, this attitude will start to develop on it's own. Think of those circus tight-rope walkers. Do you think they weren't nervous as hell the first time they tried it? What about the 1000th time? I bet the jitters were a lot less - and they are thinking "NBD, I do this all this time". Same for cold approaches. After the 100th time you'll start thinking "NBD, I do this all the time, it doesn't really matter what this particular girl does or says."

[–]Emerald__Faith0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is an example

You're a fat guy who just ran his first lap of an oval. Now you're exhausted and not wanting to do that again. However, You force yourself to do it again tomorrow anyway.

1 month later and that same single lap of an oval is too easy, you're not even challenged... You didnt even break a sweat.

This is you and everything you could be. Practice makes perfect, Just do it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This really is the case isn’t it? I need to fumble in my anxiety and my awkwardness until I can start thriving in it. Sucks that it’s the truth, but I think I need to accept it. Thanks

[–]FightForYourWay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

U/Freecrack6 is 100% right. Forget all the the shit everyone else told you.

The reason it drained you is because you have no confidence in your communication skills. You were so pumped with adrenaline you don’t even remember the conversation..

You need to gain confidence speaking to people. Do exactly what freecrack6 said. Start saying hi to people when entering an elevator; ask people for train/transit directions... convince your mind that you will not die if you speak to strangers or even get them to do shit for you. If you work your way up and you will naturally have conversations with anyone... this is the only way to be “YOU”

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

"It's not my personality, it's not the way I dress, it's not the way I smell or how I brush my hair. It's my looks and the fact i'm a beta for missing out on social interactions as a child which something I can fix."

Yeah that last part. I'm right there with you bro. It's a modern disease that doesn't get much sympathy. This shit wouldn't have happened 200 years ago unless your family got stuck living in the wrong side of a mountain or something.

My therapist is currently having me do an easier version of your 100 approaches. Mine is 7 approaches a week, but instead of trying to connect with girls on a sexual level, I'm just trying to connect with humans on a human level. I didn't even know what it felt like to feel the girl as a friendly entity of the same species instead of the scary gatekeeper whose mere presence wirelessly alters my brain chemicals without my consent. I haven't felt it much yet, but when I do it's amazing and worth every second of agonizing awkwardness. Maybe start with something like that instead until you get comfortable with it? For me the progress is just now starting to build up after about a month of half assing it. I related so much when you mention driving to the mall to approach a single girl. Same here but I drive to the park instead. I wish you the best of luck mathmanguy!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you man. I have a lot of hope, and I had a really good day today. I wish you the best luck, too.

[–]tylerpkeaton0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Like anything else in life, the first time you do something your body freaks out. Whether it’s driving a car, skating, or even walking. When you took your first steps you probably fell. Now you walk and it’s second nature to you.

The more you approach girls the less stressful it will become. Once your brain realizes that you didn’t die because of taking this risk, it will begin to learn the new skill like any other without much anxiety behind it.

[–]dadfrombrad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oxytocin nasal spray 5m before.. even if you have asd you will be able to approach

[–]marcon12590 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's scary at first. It gets easier. Remember every approach is a success even if you get rejected, because you had the balls to do it. And it's all a numbers game. Eventually an approach will end in pussy.

[–]deathbya1000cocks0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don't thank a girl for her time. Work on your purpose and become someone who believes that his time is worth a lot.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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