How important was your husband's income or financial stability in the relationship?

Kara__El · 2019-07-30T21:29:34+00:00

My husband was in oil when we met, a lucrative industry that's pretty common where we live. It's so common in fact that much of my family is in oil and my father is also in a lucrative blue collar position. It sounds awesome in theory, but my dad was gone all the time. He missed everything... just like my brother is missing everything and my cousin's husband misses everything. Spoiled oil wives who complain about being the only parent are a dime a dozen. While I admired (and required) a strong work ethic and financial sense, I was pretty forthright that I wasn't interested in being an oil wife. I can paint my own nails and save $80. I cut my own hair and his. I think designer clothes are a waste of money, especially when I come home with glitter glue on me more often than not. We do have a nice home and reliable cars, but I'd rather my children see their dad on their birthday and Christmas than get better gifts.

Ability to work and earn, play the game and move up... those things are important and worth vetting for, which I did, but they don't necessarily equate to luxury. Time is a commodity, as well, and it's not one I'll trade for things. Right before we got engaged, my husband left the oil field. He started at the bottom, working as a laborer with a bachelor's degree, but it's been two years now and he's gotten several raises and a promotion. I made nearly twice what he did, at first, but his hard work and ambition is closing the gap. It means more to me that he's home every night than a new car ever would. How you plan to live your life is a huge factor.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-07-30T19:31:46+00:00

Stable earnings are good - and more important than high earnings. High is a luxury. Once you have "enough" earnings, more doesn't help all that much.

What you want to avoid are men who are bad/wasteful/incompetent with money. Lack of money skills are a real relationship killer.

If he doesn't make enough for what you think you want/need, ask yourself if that's going to change. If he's happy where he's at, and you aren't, don't hitch your star there. If he's just working towards higher income and you're happy to invest on the ground floor, go for it.

NoirDoll · 2019-07-31T07:09:00+00:00

I dumped my ex-bf cause of this. Keep in mind I’m not some gold digger cause if I had been, I certainly wouldn’t have given him the time of day and would’ve run like hell in the other direction. He was 42 years old but had nothing to show for it—had a decades long menial job as a courier (a man I was involved with quipped “that’s a kid’s job” when I told him), no car, lived in a crummy place in a lousy out of the way neighborhood, was broke and shortly became unemployed and remained so when we parted. Made no attempts to find another job and even said he would never get employed again, given his age and lack of education, skills, etc.

Why was I with such an unambitious bum? Cause he was so attentive and affectionate and gave me all the love and validation that I wanted and needed at that phase in my life. But then due to his bad judgement, he caused me to get a major injury where I could’ve been disfigured or died. Of course I had to pay for the expense which was $15K. Boy that sucked big time.

Anyhow, it didn’t happen like light switch being flipped, but gradually I came to the realization that despite his being a decent person and his feelings for me, that love isn’t enough and doesn’t conquer all. And I became extremely disgusted and turned off by his “loser-dome” that all affection, attraction and respect for him died and I only felt contempt and repulsion and wondered why I even was with him to begin with. He even remarked how I changed (I was bitchy and cold due to resentment with his inability to fulfill his masculine role).

I realized that even tho I don’t need a man to take care of me, it’s something that is necessary for me to feel secure and safe and protected. Otherwise, I feel desexualized and unfeminine and vulnerable, and the man becomes totally emasculated and unattractive for me. While financial stability isn’t everything as I also have to be physically attracted and need lots of attention/affection, it is an important component of what I want and require. Doesn’t have to be loaded or spend lavishly on me but I since learned from the ex-bf as well as others before him that it just will not work out if the man is broke/poor/cheap. My SO knows and understands this.

goodtimes153 · 2019-07-30T19:58:03+00:00

I'm sort of struggling with this right now. My current boyfriend is great in many aspects, but he's definitely the entrepreneur type. He's very ambitious and he definitely works hard, but it's yet to pay off. Luckily for us he's a few years older than me, so I still have time until this starts to become like a major problem for myself, but not having the security of whether or not one of his business plans will actually work is starting to make me nervous..

I'm lucky that he comes from a relatively wealthy family, so he has savings which means he can comfortably live on his own, pay bills, and even buy me little gifts and stuff without too much worry. But ultimately eventually he'll run out of that money, which makes me nervous.

Has anyone ever been through anything similar? I've tried asking around in other subs but there are few people I encounter who have been through what I am going through. I get to an outsider he doesn't look great, what with the little income he makes. Every year I think maybe this year will be it, but the truth is I never know which year (if any of them) will be the year that things stabilize financially for us.

Of course I could drop this and call it a day, but I see something in him that indicates to me that he'll make it somehow. Truly this is an issue that has been troubling me for a few years now, so if anyone has any kind of advice, I'll gladly take some.

I just wished I could see into the future, but alas I cannot.

FluffyLlamaPants · 2019-07-30T20:10:49+00:00

I never thought about it when I got married. I was 18, in love, and didn't care if I spent my days working part time waiting tables. His income or stability wasn't an issue or a consideration. My own income or earning potential wasn't either. We were in love. What else does anyone really need??

Well, apparently babies still need stuff. Doctors want to be paid. Cars get towed. Houses foreclosed. Utilities shut off. Loans denied. Love is not enough.

It wasn't the stability or the earning potential - that always comes and goes. As soon as you get ahead, life throws another shit test at you.

Took me years to realize that it was never about his earning potential or financial stability. All that was taken away in a matter of hours many times over without his or my control. It was always about how he dealt with those blows.

Every man falls down eventually. Look at how he gets up, if he does at all.

Nrmn90 · 2019-07-30T20:21:25+00:00

It wasn't something that I thought about when I fell in love with him. He's never been rich and has had quite a few financial problems in the 5 years that we've been dating. It does stress me out but that alone isn't something I'd leave over. What's more important is that he has the drive to work hard to provide for us.

BePrivateGirl · 2019-07-30T20:59:29+00:00

When I first met my boyfriend I almost thought the high income was going to be a yellow flag for me. To clarify, I had dated rich beta providers in the past and it was a nightmare. The combination of slowly realizing what a spoiled ineffectual leader they were, and being financially dependent on someone I didn’t respect, was a really formative experience in my early 20’s.

So I became a high earner myself.

You need to focus on potential, and alpha characteristics. If you need a provider, that should come later after you’ve earned it. Watch the way a man talks about ambitions, the way he talks about how he plans to be responsible for achieving them. And it can’t all be talk and plans. You have to watch the way he values money. See the way he takes action.

A high value good provider ~~might~~ will not be the guy throwing money at a girl he’s not committed too. I recently was engaging in a similar thread about providing that you can find in my post history if you really need too.

I think there is a lot of value in being financially literate yourself, even if you end up making him take responsibility of the finances. Check out subreddits like personalfinance and financialindependence.

They can teach you a lot about having important conversations about money, to clarify goals and boundaries. It’s an important conversation to have in any relationship

TradiWaifu · 2019-07-31T01:46:04+00:00

For me, the question is, “can he support me staying home and our multiple children.” The answer is yes. He’s also in school. I’m so lucky and proud. Having time with him is important too. I’d rather be middle class and see him every evening and weekend than upper class and have him miserable and absent in a 60 plus hour work week. I don’t really agree with “what are you worth” mentality. But then again, riches don’t always come in monetary form.

slynn2 · 2019-07-31T08:43:26+00:00

My husbands income/financial stability was important to me of course. I knew that after having kids i didn't want to go back to work immediately until they were in kindergarten so i could look after them so ofcourse he had to make enough money for us to be able to do this. My husband and i come from a similar economic background and education so that was important for compatibility. However I could have dated a wealthier man and actually was doing so before my husband but his character (or lack thereof!) was a turn off. I cannot stand a man with a roving eye, i cannot turn a blind eye to cheating or abuse so even a billionaire would get ditched asap if I got even a hint that he couldn't control himself in that way and couldn't be faithful. My dad was unfaithful often and downright disrespectful with my mom and he was wealthy but she was miserable and left him and was poorer but so much happier and that stuck with me. I'd rather laugh at the back of a bus than cry in the back of a Mercedes. But that's just me! It's all a matter of what's more important to your happiness.

thetruthurts94 · 2019-07-31T12:02:47+00:00

Initially, my husband's income and earning potential freaked me out while simultaneously being very attractive. I was not used to encountering truly ambitious men in my dating experiences and I felt like a guy who had it so together could do better than me. It intimidated me to date a guy who made so much more than me and I was terrified of ever financially relying on him. He does work a lot with frequent on-call rotations and sometimes crazy work schedules. He hasn't had many committed girlfriends in his adult life (mostly just did hook ups) because he didn't have the time to really devote to a relationship and most women could not handle dating someone so busy. He has gotten multiple raises and promotions in the 3 1/2 years we have been together. He has reached the place in his career where he has to do the shirt and tie thing and regularly has meetings with directors in hospital board rooms. He has a high stress job that I am pretty sure would negatively impact most relationships but having been a RPW reader for a couple of years now has made the impact of work stress on our marriage negligible because I understand how to make his life outside of work pleasant and enjoyable. I didn't seek him out for his earning potential. He didn't advertise it until after we had been chatting for a week or two. I met up with him because he was one of the few great conversationalists I had encountered in online dating and our first night messaging we were up until the middle of the night having such enjoyable conversation. I knew I wanted to keep getting to know him. And then when I found out more about his career, his academic history, and his earning potential I was pretty floored that he was so interested in me. He told me a few weeks into dating that his personal goal was to make six figures by the time he was 30 and I figured I could be along for that ride. He beat his deadline by a year. Not only did he have ambition but he had a realistic path to follow to reach his goals, which I find extremely attractive. I never assumed I would marry a guy with his income level and did not seek it out. However, I really enjoy the financial security and it does make me feel attracted to him to see his ambition and successes. I know some women would not be happy married to a guy with such a demanding work schedule and high stress job, but it kind of feels like an adventure to me and I like it. Seeing how successful and hardworking he is makes me want to keep trying hard to be the best wife I can be.

HB3234 · 2019-08-01T17:48:28+00:00

Stability was a big deal for me but income wasn't. My fiance is an intelligent man with an incredible work ethic. Right now, we are enjoying our youth and doing fun, fulfilling but lower paying work -- our investments bust their backs for us instead.

We have had times in our relationship where we needed more money and in a span of weeks, he went out and secured a high paying job.

I feel secure knowing that if there comes a time we want or need to change our lifestyle, we are able to do so. Seasonal work and travel is a wonderful lifestyle when you choose it, but the most base form of poverty and struggle if it is your only option.

Hammocknapping · 2019-07-30T19:21:54+00:00

It was not directly important, but it important in a lot of indirect ways. I wanted someone who was from a similar socioeconomic background and who valued education. My husband comes from a similar background and we have identical educational attainment. Our background typically leads to high salaries.

We are both FIRE and child free, and my husband is already retired. Currently he does not contribute financially as all of his passive income is reinvested. I provide health insurance, savings, cover all the bills and contribute to my portfolio from my salary.

I also refused legal marriage to protect my husband financially and make it clear that he is more to me than a betabux workhorse whose only job is to fund my lifestyle.

AnarchoNAP · 2019-07-30T18:57:20+00:00

It’s required. I can’t have children without a stable income, so that’s what he provides. How high the income has to be will/should depend on your value. I couldn’t demand someone with a six figure income but maybe you can.

Obviously this is not the only criteria so I’m not saying just marry the richest available.

thelittlestpotato · 2019-08-01T03:22:14+00:00

I'm probably a bit of an outlier, but as long as they have drive, their actually earnings don't matter much to me. I'm naturally very frugal, and want to live on as little as possible, but am also driven to creating my own income. We are both freelancers and contract workers, and precarious employment is not new to either of us. I think it all comes down to your own views on money, and how much you need to be comfortable. It varies from person to person.

Title	How important was your husband's income or financial stability in the relationship?
Author	thetruthurts94
Upvotes	0
Comments	29
Date	July 30, 2019 6:50 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/cjw7th/how_important_was_your_husbands_income_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-important-was-your-husbands-income-or.247496 https://theredarchive.com/post/247496

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