[Women] Are you considerate to his male pride?

tasha_998 · 2015-11-21T17:42:41+00:00

Do you tell the story where his ego was hurt at the next family gathering, so that the others can laugh about it, too?

Do people actually do this? What a dick move.

We are both considerate of one another. Each of us has areas where we are rationally or irrationally touchy, and to the extent that it doesn't interfere with getting shit done, we accommodate these characteristics to the best of our ability. Neither of us is overly touchy, though. I can't think of any specific examples or anecdotes, because neither of us complains about the other to other people, or uses the other to make a humorous point, and it makes us extremely uncomfortable when we're around people who do.

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T18:16:30+00:00

i'll just respond to the examples since that's easier to answer to...

He loses and takes it badly. Could be a small thing. Say arm wrestling. It was just fun and games, but in his mind he just failed his country or something.

i would comfort him, maybe give him something to cheer him up (like a beer) and then encourage him to try again, depending on what it was. he and i are always trying to improve and learn new things so sometimes, frustration happens.

His friends try something new and he tries to keep up. Which doesn't make much sense because he isn't talented for it nor is it really fun to him. It's just his male ego that makes him try to prove himself in front of his friends.

my husband doesn't really do this, nor does this come up because our group of friends generally have the same interests and talents. if it did, however, i'd probably do the above, and maybe urge him in a different direction if it seemed like something he would never be able to do.

You are talking to a guy he hates. You don't know that he hates the guy and have a fun conversation. You agree with a lot of what the guy says. Afterwards your SO is grumpy just because you agreed with a guy he hates. (I have no idea how I came up with this example)

this is what i'd probably be least sympathetic to, depending on his reasons for hating the guy and depending on how he treated me about it. i don't enjoy making him unhappy or uncomfortable but he also doesn't get to dictate who i talk to or how. so we'd have to talk it out.

He makes a bad decision. He doesn't want to talk about it when it becomes obvious that it was a bad decision. Well, you can't change it anyway...Better be silent and grumpy.

silent and grumpy is only okay temporarily. i'll let that slide for a little bit, but then we need to start looking for solutions to the results of the bad decision.

He doesn't want to admit that he is growing older. Things change, but he doesn't want to accept it.

well, we all are. but, he still possesses amazing traits that go far beyond looks, or what time can take from him.

He feels invulnerable. Turns out he isn't. Bummer.

yeah, that is a bummer.

i'm not considerate of his pride because he's a man, it's because he's someone i love and care for. wallowing isn't a solution, but sometimes you really need to feel a bad thing to get it out of your system, and sometimes it's easy to get upset over trivial things. i get that.

i try to make him feel better, and brainstorm solutions. i don't let him stew in it for too long, but i let him deal with the feelings himself too (because that's important). i don't make fun of him or belittle him though, what a shitty way to be.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2015-11-21T16:57:12+00:00

I am extremely considerate of my husband's masculinity and pride. it is the basis for how i behave in my marriage

LeaneGenova · 2015-11-21T18:15:01+00:00

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that my SO has "male pride" in any meaningful sense. If he feels discouraged by something, I'm of course supportive and try to ameliorate the issue.

I asked him if he thinks he has male pride, and he doesn't really think he does. I think the most he has is that when we meet people from his past, he likes to show me off since I'm pretty and successful. So I indulge him on that, and dress extra pretty, hang off of him adoringly, and act extra sweet. So I suppose in that sense, I'm definitely cognizant of his pride and am considerate towards it.

Do you tell the story where his ego was hurt at the next family gathering, so that the others can laugh about it, too?

Depending on what it is. One of his favorite stories is about the time he got terribly lost and ended up at a mental institution in the middle of the night asking for directions. So I can see an ego-bruised story being brought up. Only with his consent, because I never want to embarrass him.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-11-21T23:43:33+00:00

First 2: being a good loser is important, and I would hope that a grown man had learned the dynamics of winning and losing before now. Being disappointed is fine, cracking the sulks is childish.

Talking to someone he hates? A bit of forewarning, or calling me away would be nice, rather than sulking about it later. If it was important to him, I would stay away from them in future.

If he makes a bad call and is upset about it, I would be sympathetic, offer help if he wanted it, and remind him that we can't get it right all the time.

He's cranky about growing old? Sympathy; growing old can suck. It's better than the alternative, though.

He thinks he's invulnerable, but isn't? It's a running joke between us that he's going to run out of lives eventually.

I wouldn't rub his nose in it, or bring it up again.

coratoad · 2015-11-21T18:09:58+00:00

Here are a few things I do to try to keep my boyfriend as happy as possible. I'm always looking to improve so suggestions are welcome.

Boyfriend hates something, you should hate it too. Boyfriend loves something. You love it too. You are on his team no matter what.
When you get in an argument try to turn it from verbal to playfully physical. For instance instead of talking about your feelings, try to wrestle your bf to the ground or challenge him to a race. He will win and you will get out all your pent up frustration. Most of the things people argue about are stupid. If you try to talk it out, one side will keep arguing a stupid idea to preserve their ego.
Don't challenge his decisions or ideas directly. For instance instead of saying, "No way, that's too expensive," say, "That sounds awesome. What do you think about cutting back on our food budget for a few months so we can afford it?"
Make a point of expressing your admiration for him. Make sure he catches you staring blatantly at his crotch.
Obey all his small requests so that he knows you respect his wants and needs.
Never criticize him. Whatever you have to say should be framed as a positive.

Now I have a question for the guys here. I hear that betas feel like women don't respect them. How can I show respect in a non-romantic relationship? I respect and appreciate betas. (In fact it is the alphas I don't respect) How can I express this so that betas feel respected by me?

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T18:16:21+00:00

Early on, I struggled with identifying and letting go of situations of male ego/pride. At that time my husband struggled with allowing his feelings to show. Both of these mindsets stemmed from childhood experiences. I grew up in an alcoholic codependent household where mistakes and bad decisions were inventoried and held onto into perpetuity. And he grew up in a household where feelings were invalidated so he learned the best way to protect himself is to conceal them. There was a lot of conditioning he and I have had to overcome. Since the pre-frontal cortex in humans isn't fully formed until age 25, we spent 6 years of "growing up" together. That time period was difficult and led to misunderstandings.

Now I'm much more intuned to moments that hurt his ego and moments that boost his ego. Luckily, he's helped me recognize them better by feeling trusting of me enough to express his feelings. I validate his feelings, offer support, sometimes I ask if he wants my opinion/advice and respect if he doesn't. I used to offer unsolicited advice but learned how annoying that can be. And to be honest, when his ego is hurt he's getting a BJ that night with special add ons.

GridReXX · 2015-11-21T19:07:37+00:00

You came up with that example from me. It's something I relayed about my ex.

To answer your question, as long as my SO is respectful and considerate of me, I will be of them.

If something changes where we aren't. I will likely exit the relationship

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T20:22:09+00:00

My ex had a severe case of pride. Actually, it went a lot further than pride into narcissism. He was impossible to deal with - a tide of negative emotions. My ex before that (husband) was also like that, but in a different way - he'd go into destructive/violent rages whenever things didn't go his way.

My current guy is also very much like a man - doesn't like to ask for directions etc. but he's a world apart from my exes. He doesn't let most things get to him on a personal level - he's able to separate things out, laugh at himself and keep working at something until he gets it right.

It's made me realize the importance of learning certain things when growing up:

being coached on a team and learning to take it well (because you will get roasted by the coach, you will make mistakes, you will do things that let the whole team down, you will have days when you win and you're full of pride (only to get knocked down again the next game)
how to truly laugh at yourself. Don't take yourself so seriously.
big picture thinking. Children are often concerned with the moment and can't see outside it. As you grow up, you're meant to be able to learn there's always a Plan B, that you can start again tomorrow or go in a different direction etc

Do you try to make the situation less awkward for him?

Yes. I try to be aware of how he's feeling and bounce off that. if something struck him really hard, I wouldn't be trying to make him laugh or 'make him see the bright side'. I'd give him space if he needed it, or someone to talk to if he needed it etc.

If it is something happening now, such as a guy trying to bring him down with a sarcastic remark, I might fire one back - with a joking smile on my face to try to diffuse the moment - but it depends on the situation.

Do you rub it in his face?

Shit no.

Do you tell the story where his ego was hurt at the next family gathering, so that the others can laugh about it, too?

You'd have to be vindictive and pretty damned horrible to do this.

Do you tell him or think "grow up, you are not a child!"

With my two exes, I used to think it - all the time. I didn't say it. They did remind me of overgrown children though.

Would you be together with a guy who reacted poorly when his ego/pride is hurt in the first place? Got no time for a manchild.

Depends in which way he reacts poorly. If he takes out his hurt at the world on me (as did my exes) and there's no way of changing him around, then there's only one path I can take. Leave.

But if he didn't take it out on me, and his reactions were the result of his childhood, that might be different. Again, it depends. It's hard living with someone who is a ball of negative emotions. If it happened only occasionally and not on a daily basis, I'd be fine with that. I wouldn't care if he sometimes acted like a little kid about things. We're all little kids, inside.

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T17:01:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T19:05:59+00:00

I try to be sensitive to my husband's pride. I don't talk down to him/correct him in front of others or badmouth him in his absence. I bring up his accomplishments to his family so he won't sound boastful but still gets to talk about the new opportunity. I do have to say though, the behaviors you described above sound incredibly unattractive.

My husband wins a fair amount of the things he attempts but is a good sportsman when he loses. He laughs at himself when he fails or admits he's sad but is never childish about it. I respect him because he doesn't take himself too seriously.

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T19:49:22+00:00

I'm a very proud person (not one of my best traits) and don't deal well with having my ego bruised, so I try to be sensitive to that in others generally. That said, I'll respond to your individual scenarios.

He loses and takes it badly. Could be a small thing. Say arm wrestling. It was just fun and games, but in his mind he just failed his country or something.

I can't imagine this happening as my guy tends to have a sense of humor about things like this. But if it did happen I'd say something like, "Aw, you'll do better next time."

His friends try something new and he tries to keep up. Which doesn't make much sense because he isn't talented for it nor is it really fun to him. It's just his male ego that makes him try to prove himself in front of his friends.

Maybe I'd bring up things that he's good at that his friends aren't, to help him feel better. Otherwise I'd just encourage him to keep practicing because he'll likely improve. Unless it was like Ross in that episode of Friends where he tried to play rugby. In a situation like that I'd tell him to be careful and not get himself killed.

You are talking to a guy he hates. You don't know that he hates the guy and have a fun conversation. You agree with a lot of what the guy says. Afterwards your SO is grumpy just because you agreed with a guy he hates. (I have no idea how I came up with this example)

This would depend on why he hates the guy. If the guy had genuinely hurt him or done something fucked up in the past, I would cut ties with him and understand why he (my SO) didn't want me associating with someone like that. If it was something petty like "We were on rival football teams in high school," I'd say get over it.

He makes a bad decision. He doesn't want to talk about it when it becomes obvious that it was a bad decision. Well, you can't change it anyway...Better be silent and grumpy.

Eventually you have to own your bad decisions and stop sulking. If it's a bad decision with lasting consequences, I'd say we should work through it and figure out how to mitigate the harm. If it's a bad decision that doesn't really affect his/our current situation, I'd say, "I understand you're upset, but don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone makes mistakes. This isn't the end of the world." This is a hard line to toe because you don't want to invalidate the person's feelings and make them feel like they're overreacting, but at the same time you want to comfort them and let them know it will be okay.

He doesn't want to admit that he is growing older. Things change, but he doesn't want to accept it.

Alright, I'll straight up admit that this is something I'd be pretty shit at helping someone work through. I'm a defeatist when it comes to this. "Life sucks then you die. Oh well" is pretty much my philosophy. Maybe I'd recommend some books that deal with these issues. Or suggest that he talk to his dad, who is a very wise individual and might have some good insight.

He feels invulnerable. Turns out he isn't. Bummer.

Bummer. No one's invulnerable. Feel your feelings, then move on.

Do you tell the story where his ego was hurt at the next family gathering, so that the others can laugh about it, too?

This is the fucking worst. My parents both do this, not just to each other but to us kids as well. It's so disrespectful and I would never do it and I call out anyone who does. I have zero patience for people who talk shit about their SO/spouse.

All that said... I don't think any of these are specifically "male" pride. Women have pride too and we don't like it to be shattered or to be kicked while we're down. It seems to me that RP isn't very respectful or considerate of "female pride," given that things like "amused mastery" are basically minimizing the person's concerns and making them feel foolish. They would sure as hell bruise my ego.

[deleted] · 2015-11-21T22:01:02+00:00

He loses and takes it badly. Could be a small thing. Say arm wrestling. It was just fun and games, but in his mind he just failed his country or something.

Ehh, I would support him as much as I could.

His friends try something new and he tries to keep up. Which doesn't make much sense because he isn't talented for it nor is it really fun to him. It's just his male ego that makes him try to prove himself in front of his friends.

Again support him.

You are talking to a guy he hates. You don't know that he hates the guy and have a fun conversation. You agree with a lot of what the guy says. Afterwards your SO is grumpy just because you agreed with a guy he hates. (I have no idea how I came up with this example)

My boyfriend loves everyone so I can't imagine, but I won't pretend I disagree with someone. I'm not a liar.

He makes a bad decision. He doesn't want to talk about it when it becomes obvious that it was a bad decision. Well, you can't change it anyway...Better be silent and grumpy.

I wouldn't make it an issue.

He doesn't want to admit that he is growing older. Things change, but he doesn't want to accept it.

Ok.

He feels invulnerable. Turns out he isn't. Bummer.

My boyfriend was always vulnerable.

[deleted] · 2015-11-22T05:01:37+00:00

My husband just read this post and immediately mentioned two friends he has had who are very very touchy about their male pride. One is now an ex-friend, because my husband got so sick of having to tiptoe around so much. One is still a friend, but his touchiness definitely affects the relationship, and my husband, who has less tolerance for this stuff as he gets older, is starting to wonder when the cost-benefit ratio will begin to skew the other way.

[deleted] · 2015-11-22T05:30:24+00:00

He'd rather drive around for half an hour until he finds the place by himself than just ask somebody for directions.

I don't have time for that shit.

Xemnas81 · 2015-11-22T06:26:35+00:00

Off topic, I've seen this 'for women' flair multiple times now, mods how do I apply it? Is there a 'for men' one too?

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Title	[Women] Are you considerate to his male pride?
Author	GuitarsAreGettingOld
Upvotes	2
Comments	63
Date	November 21, 2015 4:54 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3tpiys/women_are_you_considerate_to_his_male_pride/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-are-you-considerate-to-his-male-pride.278329 https://theredarchive.com/post/278329

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