I am a 19m with too many beta tendencies in a LTR with an 18f who may have BPD. Need advice

RPSigmaStigma · 2015-02-04T02:01:12+00:00

Advice: break up with her and live your life. You're 19 for Cthulhu's sake, and BPD will eventually destroy you. Source: been with a BPD girl for 10 years since I was 22.

dimmy666 · 2015-02-04T02:16:10+00:00

I already know that I should have dumped her several times by now for talking to her ex, posting nude photos online etc.

yesterday I put my foot down and told her I would no longer refrain from talking to my friends, no matter what she says. She flipped shit and threatened to kill herself if I left (which I was going to do).

Jesus H Christ man. Your girl is like a walking red flag. Get the FUCK out ASAP.

The worst part is that I know the girl she can be and this is not her. She has a serious mental health problem and I feel awful just abandoning her.

Quit hamstering. You're damn well aware that this girl fucked up your life by transforming you into a pussy-whipped beta bitch.

Yes, it will suck for her if you leave her. But it's gonna suck even more for you if you don't. So, have some self-respect and look out for number one.

Go lift, read the fucking sidebar, find some plates to spin, do something for your career (start college or something); IMPROVE THE FUCK UP. You're 19 goddamn it. If you do things right, you'll be swimming in pussy by 25 or even earlier, so start RIGHT NOW.

godofsmiles1 · 2015-02-04T02:17:55+00:00

Are you planning on marrying this girl? If no, why are you wasting your time in a relationship with an expiration date? She's actively cutting off your support group, a common manipulation tactic to make you feel dependent on her.

This kind of threat is often a bluff. Manipulation tactics. Her choice to do something dangerous to herself is completely separate from your choice to avoid a toxic relationship.

If it makes you feel any better, if she does end up following through on the bluff, call an ambulance/911. They'll take her to the hospital, put her in the psych-ward for a few days, and maybe she'll come out of it with a different perspective. Use the time she's away to meditate/move out/lawyer up/or whatever else you decide.

SigmaStigma is right, BPD will destroy you and your relationship and any trust you may have for future relationships.

AylanDngus · 2015-02-04T03:55:03+00:00

I dated a girl with BPD once. I had a somewhat similar relationship to what you're describing. I've done a lot of cool stuff in my life and achieved some great accomplishments, but I never feel more pride or respect for myself than when I remember that I broke up with her. I was scared to be "alone" and also dealt with some suicidal bullshit on her end (PM me if you want to talk about that--it's the ultimate manipulation tactic and you should know the appropriate responses), so I can empathize with you since I've been there. Shortly after I ended it I found this sub and my life took a 180 for the better. The main reason being that I realized she wasn't at fault for how miserable I was: It was my fault and my decision to be so unhappy until I made the decision to be happy and break up with her. By the way, my relationships with my guy friends now, who I disengaged from while with her, mean more to me than my relationship with her ever did, and I'm never alone because I like myself. It got better with time.

jb_trp · 2015-02-04T04:03:03+00:00

You're in a codependent relationship, man. This is going to mess your life up if you stay in it. You know what you need to do. Next her. Everybody is responsible for themselves.

You need to cut her out of your life. You can't "fix her." She needs to find hero for herself, you can tell her this (while you're on the way out the door), but you need to go NO CONTACT. This may be hard, because you're in such a toxic relationship (I dated a cutter once, I know). She will threaten, try to use drama, maybe even threaten suicide. You need to cut her out. She's responsible for her own actions. Block her number, FB, everything. Tell her parents you're concerned about her mental health and why, and then walk away.

The faster you do this, the better. And then find solid male friends, work on yourself, lift and find your path in life.

Everyone is responsible for themselves. Next her, fast.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-02-05T17:28:58+00:00

OMFG what are you doing? Saddling yourself at 19 in a LTR? With a little child-woman who is completely in control of the relationship, is not sweet or submissive, and threatens to kill herself when you tell her you are going to talk to your friends.

How do you fix BPD? You don't. How do you fix crazy? Easy- don't put your dick in it and run like hell.

WallyHotvedt · 2015-02-04T03:57:36+00:00

tl;dr past '...F who may have bpd' in the title

run, run now, run far

in 10 years you'll see the reasons because you'll prob stay with her for that long...

JayViceroy · 2015-02-04T12:20:41+00:00

This girl is manipulating you to the worst degree.

She is not going to kill herself. She hates herself and is trying to bring you down with her. She is just saying anything she can to get her way.

Abandon ship matey. You'll thank me and yourself later for it.

H42 · 2015-02-04T02:55:48+00:00

Dump her in the morning.

When she threatens to kill herself, tell her, "Go right ahead and do it, IDGF, I'm already gone out of here."

2015-02-04T03:30:49+00:00

Get out. BPD will suck the life out of you and mess you up.

acorn_dick · 2015-02-04T05:02:12+00:00

It's great that you've made these realizations. I agree with others about BPD, it can easily ruin you, and you don't owe this girl (or anyone) anything. And by being with someone with BPD for so long you will need time to recover and rebuild your life. Not only has it done damage to your friendships and SMV, but probably ingrained some of the BPD mindset into you. In some ways it is a comfort zone for you. Rebuilding your friendships and other non-BPD relationships will help you feel on the level again, and make you realize that life outside may not be as comfortable, but it comes with enormous benefits that you weren't getting while in this suffocating relationship.

If it makes you feel better about leaving her, consider that it is actually best for her. By staying in the pattern you have been in, you enable her to continue. As manipulative and juvenile as BPD sufferers are, they are in fact feeling their emotions and truly suffering, and living a kind of miserable roller-coaster of a life. By staying with her and putting up with her you are just enabling her to continue living out that miserable existence, so you are doing her a favor by leaving.

I will point out that it is theoretically possible to be with someone with BPD, whilst enforcing your own boundaries. But it takes god-tier self-awareness and probably you'd essentially be deciding that you were going to make BPD-psychiatry be your life's work. I have a BPD mother and decided that while theoretically possible to have a relationship with her, it was extremely difficult to implement, especially with her circle of enablers, old age, lack of self-awareness etc, and so just let it go. You'd be wise to do the same with this girl. Get out now, and live your life.

If you want, you could try ramping up your "dread game" or essentially just enforcing your own boundaries, rebuilding your life, your sense of self, your relationships etc. If you could do it in such a way that you aren't doing any of it to play into her BPD-style dynamics (i.e. you're doing it for yourself, you're not doing it spitefully etc), it might be good for her. If she is reasonably self-aware it could be good for her to catch a glimpse of healthy boundaries, and how relationships aren't black-and-white. If she has ever been OK with the suggestion of therapy, suggest DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). If she is seriously BPD and not open to change it she will ramp up the difficulty levels and you will just have to peace out. It could be interesting to try. But dear god do not use this line of reasoning to hamster your way into believing it's OK to settle back into your comfort zone. If she is truly BPD there will be no working with her and you will just have to bail anyways.

I was kinda BPD myself, or had strong inclinations from my upbringing. So I have compassion for BPD sufferers. But you're not a therapist. You're a 19 year old with a life ahead of you. You've got to move forward. Good luck, and check back with us, friend. Also reddit has some BPD and DBT subs you might find interesting ... /r/BPDlovedones, /r/BPDSOFFA, /r/dbtselfhelp ...

2015-02-04T08:46:13+00:00

Don't be Captain Save-a-Ho

franklyforthright · 2015-02-04T15:55:03+00:00

Leave her! Dude I was in a BPD relationship and it was torture, get off with her and leave

2015-02-04T02:37:12+00:00

You keep saying that you are acting blue pill and you should break up with her. The gut feeling you have is telling you something. Dump this girl and move on.

2015-02-04T03:06:25+00:00

You're young. Get out. What the fuck is wrong with you? Grow some chin hair and get out. Life is to short to have this much shit.

aguy01 · 2015-02-04T06:32:19+00:00

Dump her and post the nudes. Definitely dump her though.

AylanDngus · 2015-02-04T19:39:23+00:00

I dated a BPD girl and it left deep scars on my psyche that I still have to deal with today.

If I could go back in time to my BP self I would just say GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

WallyHotvedt · 2015-02-16T02:53:45+00:00

Any help would be appreciated, bros.

assumes that you'd be willing to take the help, but wondering what did you end up doing here?

side note: I married my bpd ex (strike 2) before bpd was a known condition after I knocked her up (strike 1). Had 4 kids with her (strike 3) that are all suffering as adults older than you due to their mothers illness. I have a finely tuned inner radar for cluster B personality disordered people who appear in front of me now, zero tolerance for them. This shit makes my skin crawl instantly.

Hoping you grew a pair and got over you co-dependency issues and made the right choice to save your own life. Figured I'd check in.

cuthrowit · 2015-02-04T02:16:26+00:00

I just hope that one of you has dealt with a LTR like mine and maybe even a girl with BPD and how you fixed that problem?

BPD isn't a problem you can fix. She has to recognize that she has issues and get medication. The best you can do is talk to her/encourage her to seek help. If she doesn't then you have nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, it would be worse for you to enable her behaviour/denial about her condition. Leaving her/refusing to stay with her if she doesn't get herself under control would be doing her a favour.

TheGillos · 2015-02-04T02:36:37+00:00

I hardly ever see any of my boys and she even forbids me to talk to two of them.

I couldn't live with that. If you're gonna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends, and family.

FunAndFreedom · 2015-02-04T02:52:20+00:00

Bipolar disorder = Run like the wind.

No matter how much it will emotionally hurt now, get the fuck out of there.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-02-04T07:50:30+00:00

Dump her.

Just because someone gave her shitty personality a label doesn't mean that she doesn't have a shitty personality.

Itsjeancreamingtime · 2015-02-04T19:04:04+00:00

Aside from all of it man, she won't kill herself. People who are actually suicidal don't bring it up to use as leverage in a relationship, they struggle with it day to day silently.

Also no offence, but on the 0.0001% chance she does have these thoughts, her killing herself isn't on you. It's not your responsibility protect her from herself. Do you really want to marry a person who claims to have these thoughts? Would you want her to be holding your child in her arms everyday? This is a train wreck and you know it. The next time she pulls that shit, give her the number for the national suicide hotline and force her to call it. I'll bet you 100 bucks she won't. Because it's the one threat that's keeping you chained up. Good luck man.

AylanDngus · 2015-02-04T20:39:17+00:00

I just want to say that I love you guys. This is the greatest online community I have ever been apart of and I cannot thank all of you enough for sharing your stories and advice. I just want to let you guys know that we talked.

I got her to read a book on BPD and now she is fully aware that she has it and how big of a toll it is taking on me.

I told her that I cannot do this forever and if she can't get help then our relationship has a very quickly approaching expiration date.

I know I owe it to myself to leave, but I can't help feeling bad for her. She has a mental illness and cannot do anything about it. It really eats me up inside. She feels like she is absolutely alone.

Here is my plan:

We already have a trip planned for reading week (2 weeks form now approx.) and I decided that i don't want to waste a grand so I told her after we go on our trip we are going to face this head on.

I am reading a book on BPD to hopeful gain some insight on what she feels and how to deal with it. I plan on setting my boundaries after this trip, making it clear to her I will not budge, and that if she wants my help we have to be absolutely clear about my boundaries. I will TELL her, not ask her, that I am going to hang out with those friends. I am going to start going to the gym.

FYI I am in college, 1st year journalism. And I have a job this summer that is going to require a lot of travelling.

I know this might get down voted because half of the advice was to dump her right away, but I can't just do that. I need to at least try and help before I do. Even if I only try for a few weeks, then at least I can say I tried.

Again, I love you guys, honestly. I found so much comfort in binge reading this subreddit. I feel like a new person already, and I cannot wait to learn more about TRP and becoming a true alpha.

id-buyer · 2015-02-07T14:50:54+00:00

Why are you asking for advice on TRP if you already know what to do? Cut her out of your life. Break up with her. So what if she threatens to kill herself? Those are her issues which she needs to sort out herself. She clearly has some disorder; no amount of dread game will fix that.

Also, you got chubby and started smoking weed all day? Unless you don't care about being attractive and regularly having sex, you need to stop. You have to taper off your smoking and hit the gym.

Good luck.

2015-02-04T03:26:51+00:00

You're not going to listen to me because your a beta.

Join the the navy reserve or the army reserve/guard. Go for a job that transi tions well; in the army 35 foxtrot is pretty top of the charts for a job that transfers over to most businesses pretty well.

If you're a total bitch go Calvary scouts.

After the whole thing you're actually recognizable as a fucking man, oh and you have health insurance and tuition.

Now go to college, join a fraternity that's been around for a long time and embraces the old boys club. Learn to fucking golf, the differences in scotch, the taste of a good cigar, and quite smoking weed if it makes you a lazy fucking jerkoff.

And stop being a pussy.

Edit: Tldr become a man dump the bitch.

WeCantHaveFun · 2015-02-04T04:06:22+00:00

You realize that you didn't state once what you want?

You've let your bitch browbeat you so much, that you're afraid to even say what you want.

Start there.

2015-02-04T02:04:18+00:00

Girls that say that they'll kill themselves are often just saying that, but it seems like your girl has legit brain problems that may lead her to do something she would regret later. If I were you, I would try being an absolute shit boyfriend until she decides she can do better and dumps you herself

Title	I am a 19m with too many beta tendencies in a LTR with an 18f who may have BPD. Need advice
Author	AylanDngus
Upvotes	6
Comments	50
Date	February 4, 2015 1:51 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2upgss/i_am_a_19m_with_too_many_beta_tendencies_in_a_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/i-am-a-19m-with-too-many-beta-tendencies-in-a-ltr.28739 https://theredarchive.com/post/28739

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