I'm a Beta in LDR with Filipina, Life in Shambles

Hi Guys,

I'm new here after reading some of Rollo Tomassi's work.

I need some help. My life is truly in shambles and I'm not sure how to repair it, or if it can even be repaired. I'm not sure if it's even worth it to try anymore.

It's a long post, if you don't have time to read it, it's okay, I understand. I'm nothing special.

I'm 33 years old, definitely beta male. I've had a few relationships, first lasting around five years, and second lasting around two years, Third and current lasting about four years. Dated some women in between.

I am of mixed race, but born and raised in the US, Chicago. I am still living with mom even at the age of 33, because I am, quite frankly, a loser. I graduated with a bachelor degree from Loyola University in 2011 at age 26 with roughly 50k in student debt and I've been paying it off ever since graduation, going from one job to the next. At the moment I have about 20k left to pay off from my student loans, 14k left to pay on my car, and 10k I owe my parents from a failed business that I tried in 2015.

My mom has 3 sisters, all of which tell her to kick me out. They tell her that I'm a loser (which is true) and that I'm pretty much good for nothing (which is also true). Mom cooks and cleans for me (after my car accidnet, which I talk about later in this post).

I hate the fact that I'm still living with mom, it makes me feel like a complete loser and it makes me feel like no woman would want me while I'm in the current state that I'm in.

When I was 29, I had lost my job at the time, and I was feeling depressed and lonely. I went onto a dating site trying to find a Japanese woman because I have always been into the Japanese culture, but ended up getting a message from a Filipina living in the Philippines and we started chatting a little at first and it ended up turning into a long distance relationship.

She is 2 years younger than me and she has a child from what she says was rape (we met when her child was 4 years old). Her boss, about 20 years older than her, from one of her previous jobs had raped her. She was dumb and thought that she could learn to love him, so she went back to the job and he ended up raping her again. Then she left – and she said she never spoke to him, or saw him again – EVER. (which would turn out to be a lie).

At times she would get sick, or her daughter would get sick, or someone in her family would get sick and I would send some money to help with the hospital bills. It would turn out to be about $425 total in 2016.

A while later in 2016, I had a little bit of money saved up, so I used some of it to take a one month long trip to the Philippines and I met this woman.

We met in Cebu and I had taken her a lot of gifts, and we took a little vacation around the islands in the area. We went to Malapscua and Bantanyan and then came back to Cebu. Next we were planning on going to Bohol and Panglao, which are further south, but I was feeling tired and my feet were hurting (I have plantar fasciitis) and I wanted to stay an extra day in Cebu to relax and plan the rest of the trip a little better. She got very upset and asked me "what is the problem" in a horrible tone. At the time I gave a very beta answer of "nothing" and we proceeded on with the vacation, not taking that extra rest day. Before I left, she asked me for some money, a couple hundred dollars to pay for her rent for that month that we were together, so I gave her $200.

The sex was great, maybe even amazing. It was the best sex that I have had with a woman. I'm not that experienced, having only been in two relationships prior but I do enjoy sex with this current girlfriend.

I came back to the US and I found a good job, one that I excelled in and really enjoyed. I was finally making decent pay at the end of 2016, a full 5 years after college graduation at $21 hourly. The jobs I had right after graduation would pay me between $14 - $17 hourly. So I was really happy and excited about my new job.

Around this time, I also started my own small business online. The business started slow and eventually started making about $200 - $500 monthly (winter months are more profitable than summer months) in profits. So now I'm feeling really good. I needed to hire employees for my business, so I hired my girlfriend and her sister. I started paying the girlfriend about $200 monthly, and the sister about $150 monthly. I know that's not a lot of money here in the US, but for them in the Philippines, it is a substantial amount of money.

My girlfriend lives in Cebu, but her daughter lives 3 hours away in Leyte with grandma (my girlfriend's mother). Now I'm planning a second trip to go to the Philippines in September 2017. I set up 2 days at the end of the trip to meet with the daughter. My girlfriend said she would have grandma bring the child to Cebu so I can meet the child and we can have a few days together.

When I got to the philippines, we traveled for about 2 weeks and on one of those nights I had a horrible dream and I was yelling in my sleep. I woke up, and she started screaming at me telling me that I scared her and told me never to touch her again. At this point I was semi aware that I had a nightmare and I was shouting in my half asleep state, but her outburst was surprising. She started packing her things, planning to leave me right there on that island that we were visiting. Like a good BETA male, I calmed her down and she came back to bed.

It's now near the end of the trip, and she tells me that I will not be meeting the daughter, because the daughter suddenly got sick and would not be able to come. I thought it was a bit weird, but I accepted it. On the very final day, she revealed to me that she had an ex boyfriend for 4 years. At this point, we had been together about 2 and a half years and I had no idea about this ex boyfriend. I got upset, and she lied, telling me that she's told me about him before. Uhhh I think i'd remember that.

Well, I go back to the US, and it turns out she got pregnant. She had been on the pill. She has a miscarriage and there are a lot of emotions. She accuses me of never wanting the child because it would tie me down to her. It's not true, but her accusation hurts a lot.

I still have the same job I had and another year passes, I'm paying her now about $300 monthly because she says she's not eating and barely able to get by on the $200 I had been sending her up to this point. My small business is in the red because I'm paying her too much for the work she's doing.

My girlfriend is supposed to be working fulltime, but when I do the monthly tally, it turns out she's working most months at an average of 40%. Should be working 160 hours monthly, but is working about 64 hours monthly. What is she doing with her time? I confront her and she gets upset. She says she's working and if I don't like her work I can fire her. Being BETA, I do nothing. She apologizes and starts working a little bit harder. I still don't really know what she had been doing with all her extra time if she wasn't working. Another boyfriend? Maybe, maybe not.

My third and final trip was June of 2018 for her birthday. She turned 30 and I went with a ring to propose to her. Again we scheduled a few days at the end of the trip to try to meet her daughter for the third time, but there was another excuse that the daughter was sick AGAIN and would not be able to meet me.

I was very upset and fuming. We were having a good night, but went back to the hotel and i was thinking about leaving her, but being BETA, I didn't. The next day, I overslept quite a lot and missed the date night we had set up – she was in the room but did NOT wake me up. She started slamming the lights off and went in the bathroom and slammed the door. When she came out, she slammed the door again. It felt like abuse. I overslept, because of the time difference from the US to the Philippines, its about 13 hours difference, and she couldn't understand it. It was a horrible experience.

We had an okay rest of the week. Great sex, going out, doing things. Now it's the day of her birthday and I'm thinking about if I am going to propose or not.

For lunch we went to the mall and we're going to a japanese restaurant to eat ramen, but along the way we pass by a bakery, so I simply said to her there's a bakery, we can get you a birthday cake. OMG her eyes turned into daggers as she turned and SHOUTED at me "I AM HUNGRY, WE WILL EAT FIRST!!" Again being Beta, I did nothing, but this incident was enough to get me to take a step back and think OK I am NOT going to propose tonight, so I ended up not proposing and not meeting the daughter.

I went back to the US and my birthday came around September of 2018, and guess what? She forgot my birthday. I had gone there for her birthday with intent to propose on that day, but I wasn't important enough for her to remember my birthday. I confronted her about it and she came up with a lie that she remembered and she even bought me a cake and balloons. So I asked her for the picture of the cake and balloons and she couldnt come up with the picture. A FULL DAY LATER she sent me a picture of a cupcake saying happy birthday. The balloon? A neighborhood kid liked it, so she gave the balloon to the kid. Anyway, at this point I'm ready to leave her but I still can't, there's something in me that thinks I'm not good enough for someone else. So I stay with her.

End of year 2018 I get in a car accident. Other driver made an illegal left turn into oncoming traffic (where I was going through a green light) and hit me. I had a severe concussion, memory problems, difficulty thinking. I have neck problems, back problems. My vision is not good anymore, I'm seeing huge inky black spots in the center of my vision, takes up about 20% of my field of vision. I have ringing in my ears twice daily. I'm also scared shitless to drive again, or even leave the house.

For almost a year now since the accident I have been severely depressed. My mother has been giving/lending me money for the few things that I need. I lost my job because I could not return to it in the condition that I am in, and my lawyer has been fighting for me, but so far no money has come to me yet and no settlement has been reached.

Now it's end of June 2019 and my girlfriend and I are talking about marriage like we have a few times before but we get deeper into the subject. She says she wants to come to the US and bring her daughter here. I asked her to see the birth certificate of her daughter. She said there is no birth certificate. Then I ask what is the full name of the child. She gives me a complete different name of the child than what she had been calling the child for our entire 4 yr relationship.

She finally reveals that the rapist father named the child. I said WTF I thought you had no contact with him after the rape. She says she needed money to deliver the child at the hospital so he had to pay and he named the child. I said OK, then if he named the child, the Philippine government would need his permission to leave the Philippines, and the US government would need his permission for the child to enter the US. Then she reveals HE IS VISITING THE CHILD ON A REGULAR BASIS ALL ALONG. So now he can give his permission.

WHAT THE FUCK. I say I thought you had no contact with him. She says it's true she has no contact with him, but her mother allows him to come and visit the child at grandma's house in Leyte. I ask her when and how often does he come to visit her. She says she doesnt know. She says he lives in Manila, which is on the other side of the fucking country. But he comes to visit her from time to time so now he can give his permission to let the child come to the US.

WTF Is this bullshit. I poke and prod more and more and finally she reveals more details that this guy is her 4th cousin 7 times removed or some bs like that. And that he was there to comfort her after her ex boyfriend had broken up with her and he gave her that job. WTF IS GOING ON HERE.

At this point end of June 2019, I felt like my heart had been ripped out and I know for sure she is a pathological liar. I asked her why she didn't tell me all these things before and she responded saying "I didn't think we were serious about our relationship." WTF, after I went there 3 fucking times and spent tons of money on each trip. After four years! She thought we weren't serious!?

I ended the relationship, fired her and her sister from working in my business and not sending them another penny, and we didn't talk again for about two months, until mid September 2019.

She tells me she is working 2-3 jobs now and barely making it. She says she cries at work all day long. She says she can't stop thinking about me. She says she loves me so much. She said she is suicidal without me and she tried commiting suicide by taking a bottle of pills, but her stomach hurt really bad and she ended up calling the ambulence.

She says she is now living with a female roomate. So I called her on webcam, she didnt answer. I called her again and she answered. I asked her to show me the room, and she said the female roomate was there so she didnt feel comfortable showing me. I told her I didn't care and to show me anyway, so she showed me and there was no roomate there. I asked her why she lied and she says she didnt feel comfortable showing me the small space she was living in so she lied about the female roomate being there. I told her that she's a liar and that I question every single thing in our relationship for the entire four years we'd been together.

A few days later, she moved from that place to her sister's place, but says she can only stay with her sister for one month and then she needs to move somewhere else, or move back to Leyte with her mother and daughter. I felt sorry for her and sent her $30 – which is equal to about a weeks worth of work there.

So that's where I am right now with my relationship. I feel torn. I know she's a pathological liar and she's very likely lied about many things in our relationship. Hell, the whole relationship was based on a lie. Her rapist is visiting her daughter all along.

I was willing to be a beta male for her and be the daddy to her daughter, but she denied me even that, not allowing me to see the daughter all three times I went there. So I wasn't good enough to see the daughter when I visit, but I am good enough to bring her and her daughter to the US? When I think about it like this, I think HELL NO, i'm not going to do that. But then I get so lonely and depressed and I think about her and I want her back.

Currently we're staying in contact and talking, but there is definitely a huge rift between us. She is a very beautiful woman 10/10, but she's a horrible person on the inside. I've only been with her in person for a total of about two months out of a nearly four year relationship.

In the US the law is that if I bring her and her child here, then I will be financially responsible for all of their needs for a full ten years – even if we get a divorce, I'm still responsible. Just this fact makes me think 10 times over if I really wanna bring her – or anyone outside the country – to this country.

I have given her a total of $7,900 over our four year relationship – of which profits from her work in my business will eventually recover. I spent about $4,000 on each one of my three trips there, totaling roughly $12,000.How do I break free of her? I know I have to, but it's just so fucking hard. How do I move out of my mother's house? I don't have a job right now and I'm not sure how much money my lawyer will be able to collect from my car accident. The family pressure from my aunts and uncle is heavy. They all think I'm a loser and taking advantage of my mother. I think it's true too. But I have been dealt a pretty bad hand. I never should have gone to college, racking up all that debt. Only afterwards did I realize how stupid it was. I don't know. I feel like I'm generally a pretty dumb guy, maybe the dumbest guy in the room. My mother is a very kind woman, she takes care of me without complaining. I love her a lot and I want to do right by her. I want pay her back everything that she's loaned me, and I want to be a good son to her, but right now I'm just not in a good place financially, physically, emotionally.

Does anyone see a path for me, or is this it? Maybe it's better to not even try.