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Is STFU really this effective or am I doing it wrong?

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September 20, 2019
23 upvotes

Quick background... 40yrs old, wife is 39, married 10 yrs, no kids. Found TRP 10 weeks ago. Started lifting 4 times a week 8 weeks ago. About 80% through the sidebar readings. Picking up old hobbies and playing music again.

Ever since I've learned how to recognize shit tests, I have noticed that my wife throws them at me constantly, like up to a dozen times a day. I realize now that I've been failing them consistently for years.

Since I'm taking things slow, the only tactic I've been utilizing is STFU. Everytime she throws some nonsense shit test at me, I just keep my fucking mouth shut. I dont respond, I dont argue. I've noticed that when I do this she will immediately retreat from her negativity and begin talking about something positive. Her attitude also will do a 180 and she'll appear happier than she was 5 minutes ago. This seems like it's working too well....

Is STFU really this effective? Am I ramboing this to get this type of response? Is this just her way of starting to adapt to my new behavior?

Any input is appreciated as I am still very much new to this.


Post Information
Title Is STFU really this effective or am I doing it wrong?
Author SmoovMove
Upvotes 23
Comments 36
Date 20 September 2019 11:22 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/288529
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/d72tmb/is_stfu_really_this_effective_or_am_i_doing_it/
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Comments

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"23 points24 points  (11 children) | Copy

Women are creatures of habit who thrive on drama.

Historically, you've been feeding that habit by perpetuating a dynamic... simply by virtue of your whining, your arguing, your defending, and your explaining.

I suspect that most women - when they first hear and notice the sound of their own obnoxious cackling - the result of their husband finally shutting his pie-hole and not engaging - well, I suspect that most women don't much like what they hear.

After all, bitching, complaining, shit-testing, and the like doesn't sound very good, whether you're a man or a woman.

With that said, were she to continue the shit-testing in perpetuity and never swing to the proverbial good side it would likely mean that either (1) she is crazy or (2) she's really fucking bored because that cackling is the only way she gets any drama in her life.

As such, if she's shutting her own damn pie-hole after a little while - arguably an impossible act of god himself - it must mean you're doing something right.

[–]RP_PO3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

“Arguably an impossible act of god himself”

Lol

[–]SmoovMove[S] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

Thanks for that. I've noticed an ever so slight decline in shit tests the last couple of weeks, but the frequency is still high.

Theres also the thought in the back of my mind that her immediate response to my STFU is indicative of her just being fucking crazy.

I'll stay the course and see what happens. I hope soon to be confident enough to implement fogging in my arsenal.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

She's damn near certainly not crazy.

Crazy wife excuse is perhaps the most obvious vestige of the lazy man who stumbles upon MRP.

"Ah, it's not about me," they say, or "hey, i don't need to do anything more," they add, because "she is crazy and it's all her fault."

That's like using any of the following to excuse your laziness:

  • I grew up without a dad.
  • I was molested by a priest.
  • I was bullied by the wrestling team.
  • There aren't enough manosphere leaders (christ).
  • I don't have enough time (call out to Wednesday retard).
  • I have a thyroid problem.
  • I have three sisters.
  • I'm gay.

Fuck all that. Except maybe the last one.

Take some personal responsibility. No need for fucking excuses, especially the crazy wife excuse or the more specific borderline personality disorder wife excuse.

With all that said, you're doing just fine.

(As long as you're getting laid, as sepean pointed out, which you're not. But you have to start somewhere, may as well be stfu.)

[–]SmoovMove[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're right. Even if her behavior is crazy-like it is certainly my fault and only I can correct it. Thank you.

[–]mrbadassmotherfucker2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You kinda fogged just there... So you can do it quite easily. Just agree with her statement and summarise what she just said.

"You're always too busy to pay me any attention!"

"You're right, i do have a busy lifestyle."

[–]SmoovMove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Got it. Thanks!

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I've noticed an ever so slight decline in shit tests the last couple of weeks, but the frequency is still high.

She's gonna test you, and test you, and test you, and she'll likely ramp up the intensity for a while to see if she can get you to crack and go back to being a complainer. When she tests you enough to know for sure that your new attitude is here to stay, then it will lessen. But it will never completely disappear, nor would you want it to. Why? The opposite of love is indifference.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

First of all, good to see you dude.

Second, this is good:

When she tests you enough to know for sure that your new attitude is here to stay, then it will lessen. But it will never completely disappear, nor would you want it to. Why? The opposite of love is indifference.

I think even a vet like you or me might early-on expect the magical no-more-shit-test-ever-apocalypse, but as we both know it never comes.

Your comment puts in perspective why it would be a bad idea if it ever did.

Your comment even helped me a little bit.

Perfect fucking timing.

Thanks.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Perfect fucking timing.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good point.

She absolutely is used to me responding to shit tests by deflecting, complaining, defending, and moping around like a bitch.

My concern was that my sudden change in response was too much. I really didnt expect it to work this well. I will be on the lookout for a ramp up in the testing.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nice point. I suppose I was expecting that eventually a complete cessation of shit tests would occur. I suppose its seeking a balance between too frequent and too few.

[–]0io-Tsundere5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

STFU is pretty effective and one of the best go-to tactics. 80 or 90 percent of the time it's probably going to be your best option. When you have something genuinely funny or witty to say, go ahead and agree and amplify or make a joke out of whatever it is, but that's a lot easier to mess up than STFU.

STFU is always better than getting dragged into any kind of stupid argument about anything.

There will be bumps in the road but you're on a good path right now. Keep up the good work. Keep up the lifting and the music and other hobbies.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man. It's amazing how much faster she shuts down when I just keep my fucking mouth shut.

[–]SepeanRed Beret5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

How effective is it really? Is she horny and submissive, playing with your dick every day? The goal here isn’t just to get her to stop yelling.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

No and no. I've done an absolute metric shit ton of damage to my marriage that I now realize.

I'm posting OYS #1 this week and that will lay out my entire background with this woman and all the ways in which I have failed her.

I have tried so many things over the years and nothing has working. I was a bit surprised when STFU has been proving effective.

[–]SepeanRed Beret3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

Yeah, been there. Tried everything, marriage was still a fucking disaster. Then I found MRP, 6 months later the bed room is like a porn set and she’s texting declarations of love because she’s at work and missing me.

With real frame and game, what STFU is giving you will seem meh.

all the ways in which I have failed her.

You failed yourself, not her. If she had shown you the path you’re taking now and you didn’t take it, that was one thing. But you’ll come to see that she has systematicly been telling you to do the very things that hurt your marriage, and she will fight you tooth and nail as you begin improving.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Sounds like we were in the same place at one point. My marriage is a shit show. Dead bedroom, constant shit tests and bitching, laziness, boring social life.

My wife was a 9 when we met, and I was a 7.5 at best so I was definitely punching above my weight. She has admittedly hit the wall later than most women, but shes post wall nonetheless. I also let myself go the last 5 years from laziness and feeling miserable in my marriage. I'd rate her a 7 now, and me a 5 at best. I know I have to up my SMV past hers to gain back control.

Something strange this morning....she gave me a kiss before I left for work. Seems mundane...but hasn't happened in a couple of years. So I suppose small positive changes are what I will continue to look for.

I have my first band rehearsal tonight, so this will be the first time I've been out without her on a Saturday night in years. I'll need to pay close attention to her attitude when I get home.

[–]McLuhanSaidItFirst7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Something strange this morning....she gave me a kiss before I left for work.

A woman once told me "a woman is not going to put her mouth on you if she doesn't like you."

You might not realize it but a story like what you are telling here is so important because there are a lot of guys in your shoes (years of slipping up) who need to see that it's possible to just take baby steps and get small results.

There are guys with solid success in getting their wives on board/cooperating, porn style sex life, but for a new guy looking at those kind of stories, they probably look like watching Penn and Teller saw a woman in half: baffling. "How the f do you do that ? But a story about "I have been practicing STFU and the shit tests are getting easier, and she kissed me in the morning for the first time in years" - that's amazing but plausible.

Keep up the good work, man. Well done.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks I appreciate it. Honestly when I discovered MRP and started lurking, I couldn't believe some of the success stories I was reading. I was throughly convinced it was all bullshit for quite a while.

Its truly awe inspiring how well this shit works. I know my results so far may seem minuscule to most, but for someone like me who has had literally zero success in trying to turn my marriage around, its huge.

I almost fell over at the "have a great day at work" kiss this morning. Its pathetic, but I'll take it.

[–]lifeadept1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP, don't forget that you don't do it for her

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sure, the road is long. But you’re not supposed to just stick to basics. You’re supposed to keep learning new stuff and improving.

STFU is a decent basic technique that we advise everyone to use when starting out. But it isn’t something that should be praised as very effective, it isn’t.

[–]umizumiz13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yes.

A husband's weak, doughy frame makes a woman incredibly anxious and uncertain on an unconscious level. You are weak. You are doughy. Her instincts are trying to push her towards finding a way out.

It's not that they "stop bitching", it's that they can finally fucking relax and start to grow into your frame now that it won't get her eaten by a tiger.

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice metaphor, upvote

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s working well for now, but be ready... her shit tests will get more tricky and less detectable. After all, if you pass the easy shit you’ve been failing for years, she’s going to unconsciously see just how strong your new frame is.

So, is it that easy?

Yes, and no. For now, it is. However, as her shit tests get harder, your frame will become more and more solid.

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

https://theredarchive.xyz/archive/197950

Your 1000 foot rope is playing out, and she can feel it running through her hands, but it hasn’t pulled taut yet.

Once it does, you’ll see the majority of the shit tests disappear.

[–]askmeanything23 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Great comments as usual.

As an exercise consider afterwards how you might have responded with A&A that was funny, yet not bitter or butthurt. This will help you get ready to use A&A immediately. If you feel anger or annoyed don’t use A&A at the time, but if you feel horny then A&A is part of gaming your wife.

[–]SepeanRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

A lot of new guys struggle with A&A because they think it has to be funny. It doesn’t. The main point is to show you’re in your own frame and indifferent to what she thinks. Funny is a bonus, but not needed.

[–]SmoovMove[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not as witty off the cuff like alot of guys here, so I haven't moved on to A&A. I know that it needs to happen sooner than later, so I'll just have to get on it.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

STFU is great until you have frame. Once you have frame, you can pretty much respond how you like. Frame is the "won't need to dodge bullets" outcome.

So STFU is a bit of a bandaid solution, which quickly becomes frustrating for wife. You need to slowly move on to less autistic responses, like fogging at the least

[–]SmoovMove[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Got it. I want to be sure I fully understand fogging before beginning to utilize it. I dont want to fuck it up and get pushed back to square one.

[–]Iammrp26 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

We talk about women testing men but honestly it's just how all women are. My mom was giving my wife shit today and my wife was complaining essentially passing the shit my way. They've got shit on the brain.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

It’s pretty fucking amazing when you stop adding fuel to a fire. It dies out.

Don’t kid yourself STFU is for advanced just as much for the beginner

[–]SmoovMove[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

My plan is to stay the course and just try to be ready for whatever comes next. I've been wrapping my mind around the stay plan = the go plan.

Up till I found trp I would always answer shit test with defending myself and coming up with excuses to placate whatever she was bitching at me about like a whiney faggot. Trying my best not to back slide into that behavior.

[–]Vegasman200025 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had a similar experience. Been STFU for about two months now and shit testing is now virtually non-existent. So I think the answer is that it works, until they adapt. That adaptation hasn't come for me yet but it will

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Watch any movie with a strong male 'stoic' type character and observe how everyone (male and female) react to that character's lack of giving fucks. Hell, you could argue that Gandhi defeated the British imperial empire with this tactic. I'm naturally this way with everyone in my life so I don't even notice. I feel so much more productive in my life when not dealing with everyone's drama.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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