TRP mindset too deep rooted in me - can't stop

rshambo_29 · 2018-07-17T11:32:32+00:00

I went through the same exact situation, the only thing was that I was never able to fully work it out due to a couple things not related to RP (distance, we both graduated, etc.) but you made the great first step of telling her about your insecurities. When I finally opened up to my GF at the time about all the jealous thoughts I was having she did her best to re-assure me that she had no plans to do such things and it helped a little bit.

The worst thing about the whole red pill mentality is they constantly say All Women Are Like That when in reality they're not. This girl was the sweetest most innocent person I have met, but too much reading into TRP convinced me that she was some sex goddess just trying to fuck everything that moved and I let it all get to me. It really took a toll on me emotionally the entire time we were seeing each other because I never thought she was truly mine. Sadly it wasn't until it was too late that I realized she really did care for me and by that time the physical distance ended any chance of us getting back together.

You took some really good first steps and I think you should continue to be upfront with her about your worries as she is the best one to help soothe them. It is not something that will be over quickly, as even out of my relationship now I am still trying to kill some of the old RP beliefs that still linger around. One thing to look at regarding your situation is that she is willing to talk you through some of those beliefs. If she wasn't interested or looking elsewhere I think she wouldn't put in the effort to make you comfortable in the relationship.

Best of luck to you, I know how hard this can be.

popecollision · 2018-07-17T14:00:02+00:00

Ive made literally dozens of posts here but I still dont feel better

Bro, you need therapy, not Reddit. Like seriously, if it's money that's an issue search for "sliding scale therapist" in your area. Stop coming here and go get professional help.

rufusocracy · 2018-07-18T05:42:14+00:00

It’s important you realize the difference between your fears / insecurities and reality. Your therapist can help with that. My husband does this all the time; it’s called “catastrophizing” and “ruminating,” and it stresses him all to shit without any benefit (some stress helps you notice problems or plan — not this kind).

A huge part of the problem is you surrounded yourself by a group of people repeating the same story and same ideology so much that it seems like it must be true, like its reality. But a HUGE part of it is just REPETITION — it’s something you’ve heard before, it’s familiar. That recognition feels like truth, but it isn’t. One way to inoculate yourself is to expose yourself to alternative stories that make sense. If they don’t make sense keep questioning and thinking about and trying to understand them until they do. I suspect you spent little time...VERY little time...in the company of actual women, not as romantic partners but as friends and confidants. If you had you would have personal experience to realize that the red pill stories and ideologies are laughable horse shit, and that’s being generous. Most women find the stories mind boggling because they make no sense, they don’t seem to understand even basic levels of not at all secret things the vast majority of women like or do or are motivated by. Like hearing someone describe their cousin’s secondhand 19 minute story about a visit to Africa and thinking you can understand and give lectures about all Africans now.

If you aren’t sure, try looking through the archives of /AskWomen or maybe posing a thoughtful question or two of your own.

Here’s some starters, from someone going on 15 years in a long term relationship:

Most women don’t want to cheat because it’s risky for their primary relationship. In addition, successfully cheating is a lot of work, and women, like all humans, generally don’t like doing extra or unnecessary work.
Most women don’t find mind games attractive, particularly in a long term potentially for life style partnership, because it’s stressful and exhausting and when you come home to your person you just want to relax.
Most women are not as in to sex as most men and have had lots of imperfect, dissatisfying sex and continue the relationship regardless. It’s good and important but not a dealbreaker for most, and perfection is rarely expected or prioritized. Women like sex, want good sex, and will likely leave with no sex, but broadly speaking are less interested and less picky about it or invested in it compared to men. There are exceptions but they are remarkable specifically for their being unusual.
Most people, women and men, judge the person who does the cheating rather than finding the cheated upon unworthy or deserving of their fate. If you are cheated upon that says something about the worth and value of your partner, not you.
Excitement is as important to your relationship as it is to your life in general: it’s good to have a little semi-regularly, and good to have a lot on rare special occasions, bad but not the end of the world to have none at all, and exhausting as fuck to have constantly. Don’t overestimate how important it is over the smaller, consistent daily “yes” and “thanks!” moments every relationship needs.
Lots of women are actually people pleasers. They’ve been told most of their lives that making men happy is crucial to their purpose and wellbeing and should feel personally fulfilling for them as an end in and of itself in a way traditionally socialized men can barely comprehend. For some women this is an unwanted burden but for many it actually fits with their personality quite well, and being constantly suspected of ulterior motives to their genuine helpfulness, niceness and generosity is a huge turn off, much more so than anything any red piller says kills interest.
To be honest, hearing the hateful words of red pill spoken sincerely does more to kill the average woman’s interest than lack of money, distance, apathy, the presence of other hot or rich or nice guys, failure to excite, lack of sex, or anything else red pill says is the true evil. Women can sense that shit and they bail.
On Sexual satisfaction: Virtually all hetero men vastly overestimate the importance of their dick to the whole enterprise for women partners ... whether it be size, excitability, endurance, frequency, whatever. Dicks are fine, dicks are nice, I myself really enjoy them, lots of women do too. But lesbians have plenty of amazing sex sans dildo and other dick-substitutes. If you’re worried about your dick satisfying her, I ask you, what about your fingers? What about your tongue? It’s totally possible to melt your girl’s mind with amazing sex and no dick being involved. Try it, make it a game or like an unlockable achievement trophy for bragging rights or something. You might be surprised and gratified and it will take the pressure off your dick to be amazing and you won’t stress about it if it’s not doing everything you want exactly when you want it...you have plenty of other options for pleasing her.

Seriously, check out /Sex and /AskWomen if you doubt this. Actual women with no motive to lie will confirm.

And get a therapist for more discussions about this. He will help you tell new, healthier stories and make them make sense.

Luck.

rrroqitsci · 2018-07-17T23:03:14+00:00

Dude, if you can make it work, I’m all for it. Seriously.

Generally what we tell guys is “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” In this case, the relationship might not be broken, but you definitely do seem to be broken. The thoughts you’ve expressed that you have trouble with definitely are detrimental to a good relationship. We’re excited to see you’re working on that. But what happens in the meantime? How does the relationship progress? How long is it going to take?

Meanwhile she knows you’re “broken” and it’s going to take a while. How long will she wait? She’s pretty young too. Is she getting what she needs? Is it fair to make her wait while you get fixed? (Pun intended)

Then what happens if, if she decides to move on to somebody who isn’t broken? After all, she’s pretty young too. How are you going to react? Will you revert back to RP ideas?

These are a lot of things to think about. You need to also look at it from her angle, her needs. Can you provide her needs?

I won’t analyze further, since I don’t know you two at all. These are things to discuss with your therapist.

[deleted] · 2018-08-28T23:29:17+00:00

You need to work on this because even if this relationship ends, which it might, many relationships do and that isn't bad, it will continue to warp how you see and hurt future relationships.

You can't predict the actions of those around you. Most people won't cheat but sometimes it happens. It doesn't even mean the person doesn't love you. I've been cheated on (I'm a girl) and it was mostly due to lack of connection due to depression and seeking connection. But you can't predict what your girlfriend will do. All you can do is face whatever challenges happen as they come. But whatever does happen won't predict your worth as a human being or a mate.

It is really scary to be in love, because there is always a risk that person will leave you or fall out of love. Almost all people will get their heart broken at least once in their life. Consider it a human experience that will help you grow. But the problem with redpill is tries to teach young men ways to avoid inevitable hardships that befall all people; feeling insecure, getting your heart broken, getting rejected or lied to. Everyone deals with that stuff. You learn how to become a secure person and to find people you trust and communicate with them, but even then sometimes bad stuff happens. That's okay. If the love is real, you will find it is still meaningful and that is something to value no matter what changes.

In the meantime, focus less on what happens in this relationship--- because a couple break ups actually long term aren't the worst thing-- most people who date go through a few as they learn about themselves and how to be a good partner-- and in fact a break up can teach you a lot. But to try to avoid that pain by generalizing about men and women or attraction is just a way to remove pain from existence by creating predictable rules to avoid it. Which will rob you of truth which will rob you of anything of value.

So yeah, love your girlfriend and work on trusting her and stop burdening her with your doubt-- but even if things do fall through, it'll be okay. You'll survive and eventually you will find someone it works out with.

rrroqitsci · 2018-07-17T17:02:56+00:00

Your relationship is going to fail, and might already have. Sorry for the brutal truth, man, but I think you should know up front. Now, here’s why:

1) You seem to be far too attached to this girl. You have “oneitis” and not an abundance mindset. (That’s NOT a red pill thing, btw) She’s able to sense your desperation whether you realize it or not.

2) You’re in a bad place right now. You can’t handle a relationship properly at the moment. Even explaining to her won’t help. She knows you’re in a bad place and it won’t help you that she knows.

What to do? I suggest you let go and work on yourself until you’re past all this. The therapy is a great idea. Kudos on that. If you study some of the good men’s groups, like Dr. Glover’s, you’ll learn that dating should be off the table until you get your own life together. That’s right. No dating, no relationships and no sex. Just accept that. (Socializing is Ok. ). Until you get a grasp on reality, you shouldn’t muddy up your therapy with women.

BTW, insist on a male therapist.

This will be no doubt unpopular, but it’s the best bet for your recovery. Drastic attitudes require drastic repair measures.

Title	TRP mindset too deep rooted in me - can't stop
Author	bcserver
Upvotes	13
Comments	37
Date	July 17, 2018 10:40 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/8zk1wk/trp_mindset_too_deep_rooted_in_me_cant_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/trp-mindset-too-deep-rooted-in-me-cant-stop.300040 https://theredarchive.com/post/300040

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