Is this a good idea... ? Need outside perspective.

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February 10, 2020
4 upvotes

TLDR - Should I move across the country in the hopes that the family and community there will be helpful for my depressed BPD wife?

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible while still giving enough context...

My wife and I moved to California 2.5 years ago. It's been a rough go and our marriage has essentially been on a downhill road since day 1 of the honeymoon 3.5 yrs ago. Found RPC about 2 years ago but although I've attempted to apply what's on here, I haven't seen a significant turnaround in our marriage... Still pretty much a dead bedroom, wife has no attraction and very little respect for me.

My wife is diagnosed BPD, sleeps until noon every day, hasn't had a job since she finished school in 2016, and is on medication for depression. She's been to a half dozen counsellors over the last few years with no lasting results.

It's been a confusing road trying to figure out how much of this is a direct or indirect result of my leadership (or lack thereof) as a captain, and how much is simply preexisting / will continue no matter how much I improve myself and my leadership.

Alright point of this question - Right now we're in California, she doesn't have any close friendships or community or work here.

My in-law's parents have suggested we move into their carriage house in Virginia, which would

A) Allow us to save the $2500/m we're paying for rent right now

B) Give her a supporting network of family nearby

C) Give her access to her old church where she got saved, had community and was previously was on staff - And where she could start volunteering and maybe get a job again.

I'm hesitant because it seems like a bit of a repeat of why we came to California in the first place.. Similar theory back then...

We thought the sunshine might help, there was a church there we were excited to be a part of, her family was going to be moving out there to start a business etc...

The sunshine is nice but not a magic pill. The church didn't work out. Her family is no longer moving here.

Who is to say this won't pan out the same?

But at the same time

>My work is online so I can do it from anywhere.

>My hobbies are equally available there as they are here

>I don't have any church I'm super tied to right now as the last couple months I've been really turned off by the blue pill propaganda / inspirational rather than scriptural messages I've been hearing at every church I've visited as I've looked for a new church home.

>Not paying rent for a while would allow me to invest more and also give more freedom to work on the new business startup I've been planning out and step into my mission.

>My friendships here are "meh" level right now... The couple good guy friends I had recently moved away anyways.

Other than moving expenses and the hassle, there doesn't seem to be much to lose by trying.

So on paper, there are lots of reasons to do it, and not many reasons to stay... But sometimes we're blind to what is right in front of us, so I'm hoping I can get some outside perspective from you guys.

Should I move us across the country in the hopes that the family and community there will be helpful for my depressed BPD wife?

STATS

153lbs, 5'6, prob 10%BF

Workout 3x per week + soccer 2x per week.

Here is a pic as I think that's easier... https://imgur.com/a/OnRs6WU

I'm no Chad and clearly still have work to do.

Church - Attending every week. Speak to friends about faith when I have the chance. Not serving right now as I've been looking for a church with a pastor who dives into understanding and teaching scripture instead of just inspirational messages... and it's been surprisingly hard to find.

Read my bible daily. Not actively discipling my wife - Need to do better in this area

$$ make about 100k per year, but living in California that's like 50k anywhere else lol.

I've read the full RPC sidebar and most of the books (other than for singles stuff)


Post Information
Title Is this a good idea... ? Need outside perspective.
Author hopeunseen
Upvotes 4
Comments 29
Date 10 February 2020 11:13 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/341097
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/f1yvlm/is_this_a_good_idea_need_outside_perspective/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipChadthe blue pillcloseBPD
Comments

[–]markreadsred2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

This is just a messy divorce with more steps. Visiting family is great but you will be inserting yourself into her defacto natural habitat.

Gen 2:24

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+2%3A24&version=NIV

You and your wife need to be a successful couple in the house you share not the one you get from her parents. I saw a huge difference in how much time we spent in my frame VS hers when I moved away from her parents. Those were the most beta/ depressing years of my life.

I can see your in a tight place with her mental health issues. Adding all but the most perfect of in-law's to that equation is going to be a worse investment on your life and marriage.

If you can work from anywhere. Go visit for extended periods so you can have the best of both worlds.

Think win win. Have the comfort of time spent there and the ability to distance when needed.

But keep your wife and your marriage in your frame, or suffer the consequences.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thanks Mark - The extended visit idea is actually something I've never considered... Worth thinking about for sure. Really appreciate your insight

[–]markreadsred0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No problem. Been there it sucks. I hope it works out. And for the sake of the good lord stop posting pics of your Weiner in Saxx on a men's forum. People might get the wrong idea.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

bahaha yeah the way the image preview shows up is unfortunate!

[–][deleted]  (8 children) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If you move in with them, it will create a power imbalance. You two get into a fight, guess who will ALWAYS side with her (her family). You do something that she perceives as wrong, her church and community will side with her. You won't be the patriarch of your family. You won't be in charge. You will be dependent and that is not a path to being the leader and the man you should be.

This is a good word.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. Something I hadn't considered.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

pt2 continued

I've had trouble finding a lot of guys I have much in common with here since most are more city vibes, whereas I love to get outdoors / escape the city. But I have some mates from soccer and a few from church. Closer friends moved away recently. Haven't done much with long distance friendships other than when I'm back home I reconnect and we hang out. I don't have any older men in my life other than long distance, and I guess RPC if we want to count that.

- Have you read sex books? Did she ever enjoy the sex with you? Are you sexually competent? Do you understand the physical, emotional, setting, psychological aspects, dominant?

Yes I've read. Whether she enjoyed is hard to define. It certainly seems like it, but then again she has never come up to me and actually wanted it - I've always had to initiate. I have no idea what qualifies as sexually competent. I'd assume reasonably, but I have no baseline for comparison. I'd say I have a rough grasp of those things but who knows. It's one thing to understand, it's another to actually APPLY. Like most of the RPC content, I likely think I'm doing better than I am.

- How did you meet her?

At bible college through a mutual friend.

-Did you discuss expectations with her prior to marriage? What did she go to school for?

Yes in pre marriage class at church. But back then I had an egalitarian mindset so the expectations have changed since then. She went to school for a mix of photography, film and generic biblical leadership classes. No BA, just a 2 yr program + a dabble of different courses over 4 years.

- Was there ever passion, excitement, romance, jealousy and lust in your relationship?

Yes, but she had doubts from the beginning

- Have you ever found a pastor that you also respect as a man? This is hard. Most pastors are weaker beta male men. They aren't the sort of men that I would bring into anything sort of battle with me.

Sure, I'd say I respect Mark Driscoll as a man. There are a few other potentially who I'd respect as a man but not as a pastor if that makes sense. Ie Brian Houston as man and leader I respect, but his theology isn't something I have confidence I can trust, as it's messages like his that lead me to make some very poor decisions that led to getting married far too quickly. I have no local pastors I know right now that I would approach with any significant trust in this matter.

-Was she abused? What are her friends like? What is her church like?

  1. Depends on your definition. Not overtly as in molestation etc, however she had some pretty extreme sexual exposure to porn as a young child, and some sexual experiences at an age before puberty.
  2. She has a few friends from her first church. They seem like normal Christian women. She has had trouble forming deep friendships with any girls here - They seem to all be too busy, flaky and or unavailable. I will vouch for her here that this is probably outside of her control... They really have been busy, flaky or unavailable.
  3. Right now we're going to a megachurch that is reasonably sound in terms of doctrine and teaching. The one big deal thing is that I feel like the messages are mostly "inspirational" rather than "explaining the scriptures" if you know what I mean. But I have yet to find a church here that does that so until then we're just chilling here.

If you move in with them, it will create a power imbalance. You two get into a fight, guess who will ALWAYS side with her (her family). You do something that she perceives as wrong, her church and community will side with her. You won't be the patriarch of your family. You won't be in charge. You will be dependent and that is not a path to being the leader and the man you should be.

This is a very good point I hadn't considered and merits extreme caution. I will note that so far however that her family is pretty aware of her crazy overreactions and struggles, and so far whenever we've had issues they've sided with me and not with her. Not saying this would hold true if we moved there, but worth mentioning. This is part of the reason the offer is something I've been considering instead of rejecting right away...

Moving back is not the answer. If she does not want to be a healthy adult, then living in a mansion surrounded with people telling her how great she is all day, wont fix it.

Great point. I think part of it is less about hoping it will magically fix her problems and more about sharing the burden with her family so that I'm not alone in this either. But very good point.

Regardless of preexisting condition, it sounds like to me that she has given up on the marriage.

I'd say you might be right. Which begs the question "what next?"

The problem is she and I are both very much of the belief that marriage is for life, and divorce is not an option.

So what do you even do in that situation?

Obviously the whole purpose of RP is to focus on the rest of my life and not make it about fixing my marriage. Maybe that's all I can do. As I write this I'm realizing I've still got a LONG way to go before I can say I've made myself the best version of me.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Accurate predictions my friend - Thank you for this in depth response.

You are an introvert. You are in the tech field. You married young. You are around 27. You are not a dominant person. Other men do not look to you with respect, admiration, or seek your counsel. You are not dangerous or capable of extreme violence, when necessary. You did not date much prior to her.

You're likely right on all counts. I say likely because although I personally feel like I'm not some of these things, going by my life and my actions rather than how I feel you're correct. I'm naturally more of an extravert however now that I work from home it's hard to maintain that. I married at age 23, and yes 27. Probably no one would view me as dominant unless it were in a church leadership context where I used to lead several different teams, but since moving to Cali that is no longer the case. I can't answer on how men respect or admire me, but certainly I'm not sought out for council by my peers, which probably says enough.

No I'm unlikely to be seen as dangerous or capable of violence, although compared to the city boys I meet here I feel like I'm probably ahead.

And no, I did not date much prior to her.

- Was she like this while you were dating? Was she like this in her teen years?

Not really, but the situation was also much different. She was in school and parents paid her way so she was busy with that, but the warning signs were there in hindsight.

- Is she a single child or does she have siblings and where does she fit in with that.

Her parents hard her when they were 20m and 18f, then they divorced when she was 1, then married other spouses and had more kids 10+ years later. So she's kind of both a single child and not, and her childhood was obviously full of the typical dysfunctional divorce dynamics (parents fighting, conflicting parenting strategies, exposed to a lot of stuff she shouldn't have been etc) I suspect her Dad is also a narcissist.

- How long did you know her prior to marriage? What was the dating like?

From zero to married in 6 months. #biblecollege Dating she was up to do anything, adventure etc. But there were lots of warning signs I ignored because I didn't know better. ie even back then she had trouble fulfilling her adult commitments, relational issues, told me she wasn't certain if she was feeling a "connection" between us. All said I was an idiot who just figured "Feelings don't matter - Logic is more important" And logically all the messages on marriage in college and at church were about how love is a choice and how you shouldn't overthink who you marry but that as long as you trust God he will guide you etc... In hindsight it's so painfully obvious... Ah well

- What are your hobbies?

I play soccer 2x/wk. I like to cook. I play guitar. Love boardgames but the guys I used to play with moved away recently. Go to the gym 3x per week. Read. Hike. Camping. Love to mountain bike, ski, wakeboard etc but moving to Cali that's not really available to me right now.

-How long was your courtship/dating?

3 months dating 3 months engaged

- Why should I (as a man) be your friend?

Haha I like this question. That would depend on who you are and what we have in common. Perhaps we have lots in common, perhaps not.

- What friendships do you have overall? Do you maintain long distance friendships with other men? What sort of older men do you have in your life?

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy

[deleted]

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

no worries

[–]DuffBude1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I once talked to a red pilled Christian gentleman who offers marriage counseling with his wife through their church. He said that, of international relationships, they usually work out better if they are living in the man's home country. I wonder if that applies to states as well. It makes sense that you would be better off if you live somewhere where you yourself have a good social network, are comfortable and confident.

So, maybe don't move near her family, but near yours instead? (Just don't be talking about your mom or doing what she says, your wife is your priority as in Gen 2:24)

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Interesting - I'm actually from Canada, we just moved to the states to be closer to family and somewhere warmer / where there was a church we thought we'd get plugged into. I've definitely considered moving back home... Home however is a town of about 30k people so I'm not certain that is the best place to be in fulfilling my mission, which hopes to reach many more people at scale... Something that might be better done somewhere like California, which has the entire population of Canada in one state!

[–]DuffBude0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I can relate. And it's going to be hard to convince your wife to move somewhere based on you, if she doesn't feel confident in you or trust you. My wife didn't trust me when I tried to convince her to move anywhere, because I was complaining too much about where we currently live. She felt that I would complain no matter where we lived. Therefore I made a conscious effort to stop complaining, and she instantly improved. (I think it's a good approach to life in general, in fact.. Counting your blessings.)

So until I can convince her to move, I have to make the most of our current setup. The most helpful thing was attending the coffee socials after church. We went a couple times, but since we only saw old people and didn't meet anyone instantly, we stopped going for a while. It was only when we started consistently going all the time that we started to meet people similar to us. I only regret that we didn't do it sooner.

From there, we both found a Christian men's group and a Christian women's group. That has been immensely helpful.

Before that, I was starting to take MMA, mostly for the fellowship, which was also very good. I still recommend that as well. I only quit going because my side business has started to require more of my time. But that is also good. It keeps me occupied, instead of trying to talk to my wife too much.

That's my experience anyway, maybe you can get something from it.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

All good points. Definitely need to make life happen right here right now, regardless of whether we're moving in the future. I'm certainly guilty of complaining - 100% of women are turned off by a dude who sits around feeling sorry for himself, so I best be turning that around.

Thanks for the advice :)

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

I read through your post history and you seem to have had some success from time to time, but it doesn't last. This statement sticks out to me:

Found RPC about 2 years ago but although I've attempted to apply what's on here, I haven't seen a significant turnaround in our marriage... Still pretty much a dead bedroom, wife has no attraction and very little respect for me.

because you're doing it to change her, not to improve yourself.

In your first post, you were just starting out and things were a mess.


In your second post, you said

First off, HUGE thanks to RPC for playing a key, if not THE KEY role in saving my marriage. Things have gone from downright miserable to pretty good in a few short months... And for anyone who has been there in the miserable camp, you know that's a world of change.

My biggest problem pre RP was not OYS and focusing on me. I wasn't leading the ship, I wasn't the captain, I wasn't taking charge. When I started doing these things, big change. Possibly the biggest game changer has been taking responsibility and living like a single guy who has a woman living at his place... I'm responsible for my own bills, cleaning my own house, doing my own laundry - owning my stuff without expecting my wife to take care of it. Its been unbelievably good.

So you did experience quite a bit of change according to your own words.


In your third post, you talked about getting great results from using SGM

I tried out dirty talk for the first time a couple nights ago. Never done that sort of thing before, don't swear or talk like that EVER, and honestly thought my wife wouldn't be down... But... WOW.

She was hornier than I'd ever seen her before, and next thing I knew she was ALL over me. Wanted it so bad we went twice back to back.


By your fourth post, which was posted ONE WEEK LATER, you said

My wife constantly threatens divorce. Or goes on huge long tangents listing how terrible of a person I am, how I am not worthy to be a leader.

What changed? Or was it like this all along and you just didn't write about it?


By your fifth post you were convinced your wife is BPD. u/Red-Curious wrote an excellent response to that which really seemed to resonate with you at the time.


In your sixth post you say

If she divorces me (which she tells me every month or so she wishes she could do) then she is going against God. If she stays with me, she is stuck with someone she doesn't want to be with and can't have the dream marriage she always wanted.

Why not just let her leave and divorce you if that's what she really wants?


Now you're wondering if you should move across the country and live in a house her parents own to try and get her to change. If you move, you're primarily doing it for her, aren't you? That's classic Dancing Monkey. All along you've been doing everything with the hope that your wife will change. And because you've focused on her instead of yourself, you continue to be blown about by her moods instead of taking the wheel as Captain and steering the ship where it needs to go.

Read this. It seems to me that you lack this intensity, and are content to get by on only what's necessary to change her. You're looking for cheat codes.

Now let me ask you a question: how is your spiritual walk? Bible reading, growth in your walk, discipleship, church attendance, biblical knowledge, Scripture memory?

[–]Tpetplayr1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I totally agree with this. Time for you to do it for YOU. A.k.a. 'You do you.' Personally I would move, for money reasons, as well as the more important, 'finding a body of believers' who will spur you on in your relationship with God. Either that or redouble your efforts to find it where you're at.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. Definitely need to do SOMETHING - Last couple months I've been hit with this wall of burn out where I just don't feel the energy or motivation to keep trying... I know I've got to move forward, it's just been getting harder and harder to summon the resolve to do so.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Hey Chuck! As always thank you for the in depth response.

You seem to have had some success from time to time, but it doesn't last.

You're right - I've had some victories in the course of the RP journey. I'm further ahead than I was at the start. There just hasn't been any long term, lasting results or turnaround.

I read through your post history and you seem to have had some success from time to time, but it doesn't last. This statement sticks out to me:

"Found RPC about 2 years ago but although I've attempted to apply what's on here, I haven't seen a significant turnaround in our marriage... Still pretty much a dead bedroom, wife has no attraction and very little respect for me."

because you're doing it to change her, not to improve yourself.

I actually don't think that's the case here... My goal has been to improve myself regardless of my marriage - I'm simply observing that although I've made some progress in the rest of my life, my marriage unfortunately remains pretty miserable as a whole.

My marriage is not my primary goal or main focus, but it sure does tire me out all the same.

By your fourth post, which was posted ONE WEEK LATER, you said

My wife constantly threatens divorce. Or goes on huge long tangents listing how terrible of a person I am, how I am not worthy to be a leader.

What changed? Or was it like this all along and you just didn't write about it?

This has been the ongoing narrative for most of our marriage. Since about month 6. Prior to this the blame was on external factors before in her mind my wife shifted the blame to me. According to her that's "always how she felt" but she just didn't say anything early on.

So what changed was she had one of her monthly breakdowns a week after that earlier post.

In your sixth post you say

"If she divorces me (which she tells me every month or so she wishes she could do) then she is going against God. If she stays with me, she is stuck with someone she doesn't want to be with and can't have the dream marriage she always wanted."

Why not just let her leave and divorce you if that's what she really wants?

I honestly would do that, however she has not ever followed through - Only threatened. I don't think she ever will, as we both believe strongly that marriage is for life and divorce is a no option, no matter how miserable marriage may become.

Now you're wondering if you should move across the country and live in a house her parents own to try and get her to change. If you move, you're primarily doing it for her, aren't you? That's classic Dancing Monkey. All along you've been doing everything with the hope that your wife will change. And because you've focused on her instead of yourself, you continue to be blown about by her moods instead of taking the wheel as Captain and steering the ship where it needs to go.

Could be. There are lots of reasons to make the move for me though... Primarily so that I won't have to deal with this situation all by myself and will have some community, as well as $3000/month in financial savings. It's a bit of both I think - The desire to help her but also valid reasons that would be of help to me as well.

Read this. It seems to me that you lack this intensity, and are content to get by on only what's necessary to change her. You're looking for cheat codes.

Now let me ask you a question: how is your spiritual walk? Bible reading, growth in your walk, discipleship, church attendance, biblical knowledge, Scripture memory?

I definitely haven't gone full DNGAF / monk mode for an extended period of time like this. Great read by the way, ty. Perhaps this is what I should try for the next couple of months and then maybe reassess from there.

[–]awesomechristiansex0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I've seen a very similar situation like this, and while everyone is unique, there is much to be learned from similar experiences. Is she open to Christian marriage counseling? Individual counseling (make sure they specialize in BPD/cPTSD and also dont just commit to the first counselor you go to!)?

SOZO can be done over the phone. I highly recommend it, however, it may drudge up things in her past she has been suppressing (like sexual abuse) and may make her worse first, not better, as she is going to have to process whatever comes up and sometimes it's a lot of layers to that onion!

If she is not committing to you and meeting the Biblical standards of marriage (as well as really loving you), perhaps you should discuss getting a separation. She can move back and you can move where you need to be. She can figure out who she wants to be in life and if that includes remaining married to you. She gets the environmental shift and that may trigger her to have a thought pattern change. She may figure out she really does want to be your wife or she may realize she doesn't... you can't control that aspect. She does need to commit one way or the other though and really "losing you" for awhile can help her to see more clearly what that feels like to her, as you likely have some codependency going on now (See Walking on Eggshells book for fate of most non-BPDs).

There are some excellent books on BPD (a simple and good one for her is Relationship Skills 101 for Teens and Dont let your emotions run your life - both by Van Dijk), as well as books for the non-BPDs in the relationship (Walking on Eggshells workbook). You could suggest these to her parents as well. I have Coping with BPD and Stronger than BPD on my reading list, but cant speak to them yet.

Boundaries, as well as Boundaries in Marriage is good for seeing clearly what your boundaries should be and giving biblical basis for them.

I feel for your brother. Btw, you're more ripped than me and should be plenty to trigger sexual desire. Here's one last thing... although you're not perfect and surely have made mistakes along the way (learn and make sure to thoroughly apologize in her love language for anything/everything), the root problem is likely with her, not you. So, just like MRP teaches and you seem to be on the right path - be the best you can be and pursue that rigorously. Then you are also the best for her... but start looking at how to not take it personally that your most intimate relationship is with a partner who has a personality disorder - that she needs to take ownership of, responsibility for, and repent of her heart and actions and speaking accordingly. This part... It's not you, it's her! Is very important to process in your mind and heart. And seek Yahweh out on what all your steps should be and especially what to say to her or not say!

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

On mobile RN so cant reply in depth, but thank you so much for taking the time to share this really practical advice. Seriously appreciate it - ill be checking out those resources, and continuing to work on myself. Cheers!

[–]AlanNoles0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I think your stats are pretty good actually. 10% body fat is really easy to work with. If you want to get bigger then eat more and just do the recommended 5x5 workout and gain some muscle. I wish I was in that situation. I am at 19% and working my way down to 15% before I can begin bulking.

But yeah, I know for a fact I would not be able to live with my wife's family mainly because I would fall into their frame out of respect (their house, their rules). It is different if they are out of your hair, but if not just do what you think is best. Just move out of Cali since it is super expensive. Rent in the south is anywhere between $1000-1500 for a two-bedroom apartment. Just decide if that much a month is worth your sanity.

Also start posting in the OYS starting tomorrow on a weekly basis. I do not know where I would be if I did not start doing that and taking this seriously. I hope to see you there.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks Alan - Not sure if you're referring to South Cali or not, because you definitely can't get a 2bdrm for $1500 here near LA! Try $2000-$3500. But that really just supports your point all the more.

The wife's family frame is something I hadn't thought about until it's been pointed out here - I really appreciate the insight. I get along very well with her parents and from what I've experienced so far they actually seem to side with me over her the vast majority of the time when she is behaving ridiculously / hurt / etc... But maybe I should just assume it's not worth the risk, given the feedback on this thread.

Thanks for your insight!

[–]AlanNoles0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The question I would ask you is "What do you think is best for your family?" Do you have any kids?

Every decision you make in life has pros and cons. In May me and my wife are moving back into my parents basement. But it will be on our terms. My relationship with my parents is 100x different than what it was when me and my wife were first living there.

I put her first and my parents know this. I cut them off for like 3 months for disrespecting my wife and was prepared to do it indefinitely (They said they wished I never married her right in front of her). That was 2 years ago and since then they actually have a much better relationship.

At the moment, my wife is pregnant and we need to focus on saving in order to get a house. Moving back there will help that immensely and we can buy a house in 2 1/2 years instead of 4-5.

Now that boundaries are set they are even letting us make the basement our own and not just a basement. I go over every weekend and me and my dad are going to put in hardwood floors, repaint, and put some better lighting.

Even if your in-laws agree with you most of the time think of the strain this puts on your wife.

I do not know the old living situation there in its entirety, but I know a guy who drags his in-laws into every argument he cannot handle on his own with his wife. Even if that is not the case, it may be how she sees it and is something I would be aware of if you make that move. It may be the best decision savings wise. Just weigh the pros and the cons. Ultimately it is your decision.

If you do move there though, make sure you have a sit down with the in-laws and set boundaries with them and enforce them respectfully. That's what I would do if you decide to move back there.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A great question to ask, and solid advice. Thank you

[–]awesomechristiansex0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Can you ask them to have a confidential down to earth discussion with just them, not her, and see just how much they understand or are willing to see?

[–]awesomechristiansex0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

2nd that... post in OYS weekly!

[–]DoersOfTheWord0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'd move. You're basically burning money in Cali for no good reason. Not sure moving in with family is good but closer to home sounds better than what you're doing now.

[–]hopeunseen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the first impression. Moving but not in with her parents seems to be the most dominant theme / feeling of everyone in these comments. Appreciate it.



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