I know you guys will tell it to me straight.

Not sure if I am gonna go through with it but have considered the alternative. Probably not the best idea, but I'm (38) considering the secret vasectomy two months before I move in with the woman (36) I have been in relationship with for just over a year. I've debated being 'childfree' forever and vasectomy for a couple years. This decision was a factor in ending a previous relationship. I should never have let that first doctor talk me out of getting a urology referral 2 years ago. I had asked for the first consul before I even met her. Then had booked a vasectomy a year ago and backed out because I was in this new relationship and didn't know what to do. Finally, I got too worried again and went for a second consul a few months ago, with the upcoming procedure scheduled for next week. Randomly she has a business trip (just came out of nowhere) and so happens she leaves earlier the same day. For 4 nights. I had already planned to visit family 2 days after the procedure and can extend it so we won't be together for 10 almost 11 days after. Procedure is a no scalpel.

However, as soon as I'd get back we'll be spending a night in a hotel. So this brings me to the sex questions... As far as sex 10 days after, with no complications and I go slow, maybe do a few test drives first, will it be obvious I'm in pain? Will the puncture hole be visible or obvious if you touch it? Do those tiny titanium vas-clips ever get in the way? If partner jiggles your balls a little is she gonna feel them? Is it just completely idiotic to think it will all go unnoticed?

I know this is basically fucked up and deceitful since the future she wants is with children. I once asked her why she waited so long to try, only to find she'd never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months. We talked about it early on. I told her when I met her that I didn't want kids. She said then she was old enough to realize it might not happen.

I have never been able to picture parenthood for myself. I'm beyond all the reasons of responsibility, personal life being over, crying, diapers, daycare, therapy because my own childhood was fucked up, kids are too expensive. Truth is the world is too populated, economically unstable and geo-politically hazardous, and the impending climate crisis is threatening our existence. Nothing is certain I suppose, but the truth is far too ugly that most people will not dare face it. People aren't willing to burst their own bubble of that 'kodak moment' dream life. Sorry the game is rigged.

FWIW, My trust in her was previously violated as well. About 6 months into this relationship I found out she was seeing her ex, and even that he kinda worked with her, before I finally confronted her with it. I was shocked. I'm fairly certain she didn't sleep with him after they broke up, but they were definitely hanging out. She told me that he said he wanted her back. They do not speak anymore outside of this monthly meeting. She knows I would walk if I found out she did. She knows I cancelled the first vasectomy but this was before I found out she was seeing her ex. (again that one was scheduled before I had even met her) I've worked on getting passed it all but anxiety and insecurity sometimes haunts me.

I don't really think she'd "oops" me but I know that outcome would obviously be worse. The longer this goes the more anxious this scenario makes me feel. I wish that vasagel or something men could do that was 'less permanent' was a thing. I hate feeling like the choice of parenthood will not be my own.

I really am crazy about her though. I do really trust her again now. I hate the idea of breaking up over this. My therapist says it's not good to bring climate change into my decision to have kids but it just reinforces why most people are delusional.

TLDR; scheduled vasectomy without telling SO, before we move in together, she wants future with kids, I don't see this whole 'future' thing working out for most people. Can/Should I go ahead and snip without anyone knowing?