In desperate need of advice from HVW

VikingPug · 2020-05-03T20:38:12+00:00

You aren’t shallow at all! Having expectations for a partner-this is your life after all-isn’t shallow. Sounds like you’ve lost respect for him. It’s really hard to get that back...nearly impossible..

Just based off your story I’d dump him. I mean , you ended the engagement already. Going back is going backwards now.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-05-03T19:06:20+00:00

This sounds like my ex husband. I wasn't aware he was like this until after I became pregnant. So better to rip the bandaid off now and find yourself someone more in line with your own goals for the future. Before the ex husband I dumped a marine corporal pretty much right after he told me he wanted to get out and buy another old "pos" car like he had in his teens and go back to work for the restaurant he worked at in his teens. It just turned me right tf off to hear someone's goals were to go backwards.

And my ex husband never went into law enforcement like he said he wanted. He works for the state doing a job that literally anyone can do. It's a state job and that's cool, but he just gave up after absolutely dying to get out of the military, but now acts like the ultimate veteran and expects praise from everyone, even strangers. I'm talking veteran insignia on every car (stickers, legal tags, his license, the walls of his living room, the screen saver on his computer, and limitless tshirts and a hat displaying his status. I don't even ask for my veteran's discount, ever. It's not something that I think about since I've been a civilian for over ten years. And I do support our military veterans, especially since I am one, I just don't love when it's constantly thrown in my face like I'm meant to worship them or something.

2340000 · 2020-05-03T22:55:45+00:00

You mentioned you'd be willing to work on the other issues if he got a better job.

So OP, deep down the issue isn't his job. It's just the straw the breaks the camel's back🤷

His job is very important and you deserve a relationship with compatible lifestyles, but you're kidding yourself if this is the ONLY problem. Nonetheless, I think you know that.

You decide what you want, and you've decided it's not him. Just because someone else thinks it's (inserts opinionated adjectives) doesn't make it an irrelevant factor when you care a lot about it.

Each person is different. You can expect of other's what you have yourself.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2020-05-03T23:27:33+00:00

Just want to point out why your expectations are not shallow. It would be different if your fiancé was someone who hadn’t had access to career opportunity for achievement when you both met. Let’s say he came from a low income background and had worked very hard to achieve a working class job with what was in front of him.

That’s not who this is. This is someone who as an adult, is in a program (military) that has access to move up the career ladder. Given this access, he is deliberately CHOOSING a less ambitious path. Moreover, this is not a path of passion and drive (like going into the arts or trying to be a chef or another “dream” career). It seems like the reason WHY he is making this choice is because it is an “easy out”.

It’s definitely ok for you to look at this and realize it’s not up to your standard of behavior. Again, especially because of the circumstances.

People of all incomes and walks of life can have a fulfilling life and achieve success, of course. But when someone is pretty obviously not taking advantage of their best options, it’s ok to be disappointed.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2020-05-04T04:16:03+00:00

His wanting to be a Home depot warehouse manager is (and I know this may seem shallow) a hangup for me. I grew up in a poor family where we had to live as squatters and couldnt regularly pay electric bills so being financially successive was a number one goal for me and the thought of being poor still traumatizes me. It's not just the income that I'm concerned about (he would potentially make $80-$85k, I currently make $120k), but I expected a spouse to have a profession that matches mine like another military officer, lawyer, or law enforcement. Would you ladies think I am being shallow about this? Is this not being a HVW but rather am I being a bitch and irrational about it?

First and Foremost. YOUR STANDARDS ARE VALID. You want what you want and it is valid, 100%, and there is absolutely no need to justify or qualify what you want. It's as simple as saying "I want that shirt in blue". You are NOT being shallow. You aren't being unreasonable, you're not being irrational or a "bitch"... and you're valid in wanting an equal. Your standards will NOT be questioned here.

My question to you is - are you officially single? It seems like it from your post. The reason you're even entertaining and still thinking about your ex is that you haven't had the opportunity to experience new relationship energy (NRE or limerence) with different guy. It would be a good idea to get some space from your ex and literally begin to forget about this guy. He's not what you want. He's making drastic, rash, reckless, impulsive and poor life choices based on what you wrote (the med school thing, the quitting a job with no plans. etc.), and you want stability and something else.

I have some homework for you. SINCE YOU ARE TECHNICALLY SINGLE. I want you to take some high quality photos of yourself. Test them on Photofeeler if you need, but take some pretty shots of yourself and invest 30 minutes into creating a tinder profile, an OkCupid profile, a Facebook dating profile, and maybe a Hinge profile. You can use the same pics and copy/paste the same bio for each. I want you to casually begin swiping and seeing what's out there. I want you to spend ~15 minutes per day swiping. Swipe right on only the men who are attractive, successful, and who interest you. Don't message any of them back just yet. Simply swipe.

Every time you open the (Tinder, OKC, Hinge) app, immediately swipe on at least 10 men, and don't stop until you're in a committed relationship (if that's what you want). ONLY SWIPE on men who interest you. Remember: if you have to "think about it", it's a left swipe. if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. Don't be afraid to ghost men who are boring, who don't initiate, who aren't responsive, and who aren't putting forth effort into the conversation. Remember that you are swiping on 10 guys every time you log in, so over time, the messages will accumulate. DO NOT STOP SWIPING UNTIL YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!. ALWAYS swipe on new guys. Never EVER, EVER limit your options just because you get super excited about any one guy.

The reason for the 10 swipe/log-in minimum is to create a reservoir of men who are constantly messaging you. It'll also create a reservoir of messages for you to respond to, each time you log in. After about a week of doing this, it'll become physically impossible to respond to all of the messages you'll receive, so you'll have to pick and choose the highest quality messages to respond to. This will improve your experience and you'll be less bothered by men who ghost. It'll help you realize that there are a TON of high quality, attractive men who meet your standards without you having to compromise. It's VERY VERY IMPORTANT to never stop swiping. Every time you open the app, YOU MUST swipe on 10 men, at LEAST. This is crucial to creating the "reservoir" of men, or your "scrotation", lol.

Pretty soon, you'll have a steady supply of 10 - 15 guys who are high quality, who consistently message you, high quality content, and you'll notice yourself thinking more and more about these men and not your ex. I strongly recommend that you create a free google voice number and give them this number, IF ASKED. I also recommend that you don't give them your real name or let them know where you live until after you've vetted them.

This will help you feel less lonely. Since you are only swiping on men who interest you, you'll be drawn and thinking about these men at least some portion of the time, and not ruminating on your ex. You can never have too many "good morning beautiful" texts, and it's super SUPER helpful to wake up each morning feeling desired by men who are higher quality than your ex. Focusing on other men will take your mind/attention away from your ex, and you'll inevitably call/text him back less, respond less, and come off as more "unavailable", which will typically make your ex more attracted to you, and more worried about you.

if this seems like a big step for you, you can take baby steps. For now, simply NOTICE other men. A lot of women never even look at other guys when they're in relationships and this makes us feel more lonely and like there are less options. Simply look up and notice other men who aren't your ex. When you're walking outdoors, when you're watching TV. Really look at them. Look at their faces, do they have nice eyes? Are they cute? Handsome? Tall? Ugly? Weird? Beefy? Etc. Subtly notice all the men around you (and on TV during quarantine) or online on the apps. You'll quickly realize that there's a ton of men who are better looking than your ex, and this will kind of snap you out of a ruminating/obsessing funk where you only focus on missing your ex.

throw248348 · 2020-05-03T23:14:29+00:00

hmm yeah it sounds like he's not good with money from the house thing and really rude for not paying for you on dates. I feel like the barest minimum is paying for the first date, and he couldn't even do that!

I understand why you'd be disappointed in his career selection and the bad timing of leaving right now as well as you're doing really well for yourself in your career - why can't he?

I don't think you're shallow. it sounds like the problem is that he's not very good at making big life decisions, and you are questioning whether or not you should be with him based on that.

Proof_Donkey · 2020-05-04T03:14:13+00:00

I think leaving a job you hate and temporarily working in a low-commitment job while you figure stuff out isn't inherently LVM but this doesn't mean you have to wait around for them to figure their stuff out and don't let him lead you on thinking you owe it to him to wait. Having someone who has career ambitions and knows what they want in life sounds important to you and you should be true to that. Accept what you want and know how to get it. Accept that you will have to experience loneliness and start dating again but you are worth it and you will find a HVM in the end.

finance_lady · 2020-05-03T19:32:46+00:00

This comment got really long, sorry! :)

Hello! I am not a veteran but my ex-husband was active duty and then got out right before we got divorced. He did not actively look for a job leading up to his ETS date even though I encouraged him to do so. He was med-boarded out, so he had about 12 months notice that the end date was near. He turned into a lost little puppy the closer the ETS date got, and then after he was out, he had no clue what to do. He was not interested in civilian career paths related to his MOS but also didn't have a bachelor's degree to fall back on, nor did he want to enroll in school for career training plus income from the GI Bill. He was just...lost...and figured being rated at 80% VA disability was enough for him, income-wise, for the rest of his life if needed. 80% is a pretty high rating, but the injury he had was not enough for him to rule out full-time employment, not by a long shot.

I am a much more ambitious and career-oriented person, and all that, on top of already irreconcilable differences, was what ended our marriage ultimately. I did not want to be the person carrying all the weight of working and having a career while all he contributed was VA income and sat around playing video games all day, you know?

It sounds like, maybe your ex-fiance had a bit of a career crisis when getting ready to separate from the military, but it does not sound like he is a lazy/worthless guy. He seemed to be trying to make a plan but really wasn't sure what he wanted to do. As I said before, I am not a veteran, but my ex-husband was sick as hell of the military by the time he was med-boarded out and wasn't going to re-up his contract anyway, so I can understand a bit why your fiance decided to get out, even if the economy has taken a nosedive right now. The fact that he took the warehouse manager position is a good start. That shows he does want to at least do something in the meantime while he decides what is truly right for him. In my opinion, there isn't anything wrong with that. Just because that's his job title now doesn't mean he will be doing only that for the next 30 years...they could love him and he could get promoted to a job title like, Area Director - Warehouses and be in charge of 4-5 warehouses and make $120,000 per year as well. You never know! Or, he could have a light bulb moment after working there a while about what is truly a good fit for him and pivot into something else. However, I don't think your ex is showing lack of ambition, by any means.

How did he treat you while you together? Your OP doesn't really go into a lot of detail, but I'm assuming/hoping he treated you wonderfully?

Sometimes, if a couple is happy, it doesn't matter if one person makes less of a salary than the other and/or is more educated than the other. I have a friend from college who, while she has a bachelor's degree, works in a trade instead because that is what she likes to do and it is what makes her happy. She makes probably $35,000 a year, and her husband is an attorney like you are, making well over $150,000 a year, and he doesn't care about the huge salary difference between them. They have the same values and work ethic in the end and are really happy together. I have a graduate degree, and my most recent ex-boyfriend only had an associate's degree, but he treated me like solid gold (until our stupid breakup, ugh) and always thought about bettering himself. We made about equal salaries.

I would try to look at the situation more objectively and think about whether you are truly happy with him. If you have always been happy with him, then this is just one of those standard life bumps in the road. It sounds to me like he wants to get himself together and be doing something with himself while he keeps looking at job opportunties or deciding about more schooling. I think that is a really good sign. Do what feels right to you, but I am thinking he is more of a HVM than what you are giving him credit for! <3

goddess-of-compost · 2020-05-04T20:49:17+00:00

First of all, I think setting and sticking to very clear boundaries to NOT see him if he moves nearby is necessary. Making it clear to him you have no intention to see him isn’t a bad idea. He can do what he will, he may or may not be deterred by this. You can’t control his reactions, and you’re not responsible for how he responds ... and you are absolutely not responsive for his wellbeing if he moves in the area. The focus needs to be on what you do have control over, sticking to your guns with you boundaries.

Beyond just the job situation, my sense is part of your issue with him is his bad decision-making. He doesn’t seem to be making wise choices, to quit without having something else lined up. It’s hard to truly trust a long term partner if they have poor judgement.

While it may be a perfectly valid choice for a man to take a breather and sort out who he is and what he wants in life, it is also absolutely valid and sometimes wise not to want to be sucked into that. It’s absolutely valid to want a man whose judgment and responsibility means you can trust him and relax more. I’m not even talking about money but the mental load of navigating life.

I know it may be a bit tricky with the pandemic, but I recommend you do things to spark you. It’s great that it sounds like a lot of your time is spent on following your goals. Filling the rest of your time doing things that satisfy you, and especially building good connections - friends, family, maybe potential suitors to date after lockdown ends - are very helpful for moving on.

PengBa · 2020-05-04T19:41:58+00:00

[deleted]

Reborn-Mood · 2020-05-04T22:25:50+00:00

Who quits their steady military income during a pandemic and argues for a mediocre job only because it's "stable?" You are speaking sense, not him, and he'll drag you down with him.

PengBa · 2020-05-03T22:45:36+00:00

Not shallow! At all! I must tell you, I was enlisted and looked up to women officers so much, I wished that I had had the discipline be where you were. So here’s a salute ;-)

You are high achieving. You are a bad ass. He is going to do the ex Army guy thing that some do and settle into mediocrity.

You’ve got so much more to achieve, Ma’am!

Title	In desperate need of advice from HVW
Author	PengBa
Upvotes	26
Comments	30
Date	May 3, 2020 6:57 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gcw109/in_desperate_need_of_advice_from_hvw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/in-desperate-need-of-advice-from-hvw.677012 https://theredarchive.com/post/677012

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