When to expect a proposal?

teaandtalk · 2018-12-25T07:26:31+00:00

Expectations (in particular, uncommunicated ones and those based upon what your peers are doing) are a short road to disappointment, especially when talking about something so serious, intimate and personal as marriage/proposals.

For example, if you expect a proposal between the one and two year mark (this would be a covert contract, btw), and he wouldn't really consider engagement to someone he hadn't been with for 3 years or more, you're going to run into problems when he doesn't put a ring on it by that point. Or, if you wouldn't ever consider getting engaged within a year, and he asks when you've been dating 6 months, he's going to feel rejected and your relationship may well end (despite it maybe being great in all other ways).

I'd suggest that instead, you have your own personal guidelines in place. For example, you might have a dealbreaker like 'if he's not comfortable setting a timeline for marriage after 1 year' or 'no getting engaged before dating for 18 months'. These don't have to be private - the first time my husband and I talked about marriage seriously was when we were talking idly about buying a house, and I said to him outright 'I wouldn't be comfortable buying a house with someone I wasn't married or engaged to'. When you're planning a life together, you need to be open and honest about your goals and requirements, to avoid disappointment or hurt feelings.

Here's my situation, just as another data point. I met my husband in December of one year, and we were privately engaged (ie no ring, no telling family) within six months of that. Within about 9 months, we were engaged and told our families, and we married about 18 months from our first meeting. This worked well for us (or has so far, at least!), probably because we are both quite methodical people and we made sure we were on the same page about key things - kids, religion, lifestyle, and money mostly, but also our approach to marriage itself. We went and did pre-marital counselling, and read some books together, before we married. We both agreed that marriage is something that needs to be worked on and maintained, that love isn't a magic glue that holds otherwise incompatible people together, that 'not feeling sparks' isn't an adequate reason to leave a marriage. And we were honest about our expectations and goals.

I hope you work out what your own needs are! It sounds like, in your current relationship, openness and honesty will be extra important (given the emotional history of the guy you've been seeing).

GingerDoughGirl · 2018-12-25T07:25:11+00:00

Time Magazine's Science of Marriage issue said that according to the available research getting married between two and four years after beginning dating was ideal. Shorter and longer time spans correlated to higher divorce rates. The proposed explanation was that for people who wait a long time they probably have different ideals about the importance of marriage than those who would be most likely to avoid divorce.

My husband and I were dating for about 18 months before we got engaged and were engaged about 18 months before getting married. However, we discussed whether or not marriage and babies was something either of us wanted out of life during our first date. The proposal was also more of a conversation than anything. We discussed that we wanted to be together permanently, how to tell people, the budget for a ring, and so forth. It was all very non-romantic and pragmatic, which was perfect for me. He took me ring shopping the day after my 30th birthday and we built a ring together. When it actually came in he officially asked me if I would marry him and we made it public info, but it was more of a silly formality at that point with no big show to go with it.

throwawaybpdnpd · 2018-12-25T05:45:53+00:00

I’ve got a minimum of 2 years (my own rule) before proposing, a lot can happen in 24 months.

A lot of women become clingy when they get a proposal, that’s when we guys know if we should stay or leave; impulsivity is a big part of it

Whisper · 2018-12-26T03:10:30+00:00

When is it acceptable for a woman to expect a marriage proposal during the courting period?

When she inspires one.

SraSB · 2018-12-27T07:03:57+00:00

I don't think women should expect a proposal, as other comments had mentioned. It's clingy and off putting for men. As a RPW we leave the leadership to our men, that should include when to propose and get married.

Also we should not expect a big proposal or big wedding. Marriage is more than a ring and party. It's a life long commitment to love and care for eachother, the husband as a leader and the wife as a helper.
In our case, my husband proposed to me without a ring. We had been leaving together for a year. After I was away for a week visiting my parents, he realised that I was the one and we got engage. We got a nice not expensive ring together. 2 years later we got married with a very small wedding (13people+us2). He did not want us to start with a financial strain of a big wedding. Would I have like a bigger wedding? Yes. Do I regret our small wedding? Never. He married me and I'm his wife. I'm thankful every day.

What I'm trying to say with this ranting is do not loose focus of What matters, and that's being with your man.

_TheFantasticMrsFox_ · 2018-12-27T06:54:01+00:00

Honestly, this is can be a very cultural and regional thing. In my area, people eschew marriage children until much later, while people in Salt Lake City get married much younger so I think you’ll get a huge scale of information here for what is “normal”

For me, I was with my fiancé for 6 years before we got engaged- we’re getting married on our 7th anniversary. For some women, they would have bounced a lonnnnnnng time ago, but for me I appreciate our longer courtship. In that time we’ve been to several different continents, paid of a huge chunk of debt, saved for wedding to pay in cash and started a down payment fund- this is all minus the sweet, emotional, lovey dovey stories I could tell!

How old are you? How long have you been together? Or are you not in an LTR and asking in general? Because if that’s the case I would check the side bar for info on vetting/being single/getting into the dating game.

hattiehalloran · 2018-12-29T08:45:38+00:00

It depends entirely on the individual ages of the couple, but especially the woman.

The younger a woman is, the longer she should wait before accepting a proposal. An 18-year-old should probably date for 4-6 years, for example, while a 34-year-old woman may be able to accept a proposal after 6 months.

However, the best approach would be to talk about it with your partner. If you far enough into the relationship that you are exclusive, it might be best to write it down and WHY and then reveal it to each other to promote an open and honest discussion so that neither is influenced by the other unfairly.

loneliness-inc · 2018-12-25T20:24:44+00:00

It's in a woman's best interest to get married because marriage provides her with a lifetime commitment of protection and provision which she will need to take care of herself and her future children.

Marriage in modern times serves hardly any benefit to men for many reasons discussed often in TRP. In fact, it's these very reasons that led to the invention of TRP in the first place! Therefore, any unplugged, RP aware man will know that it's in his best interest to never get married.

Some men get married because they are thinking with their little head and haven't thought through all the ramifications. They didn't do a thorough cost benefit analysis.

Some men get married for religious, cultural or social reasons.

Some men know all the risks involved and choose to get married nonetheless for the abovementioned reasons or other reasons. They know they're taking a huge risk and they decide to take it anyway.

However you slice this pie, you, as a RP aware woman in modern times should not expect marriage from your man. It's an extremely tall expectation that's too much to ask for. If he offers it to you, be appreciative and grateful for it but don't expect it. If you expect marriage, you're displaying a gross lack of understanding of the huge risk he'd be taking by getting married. This gross lack of understanding is a huge red flag in its own right as it shows that a woman is only thinking of herself and doesn't care at all about how her desires impact her man.

As u/girlwithabike once said that she chose her man over the desire to marry. In the end, she got both but she was ready to forgo marriage to be with her man.

Now, if you're starting the vetting process and marriage is a firm ideal, you ought to be upfront with this from the get-go. You can ask for whatever you want, but the less there's in it for him, the less likely he is to buy what you're selling.

stripethrowaway · 2018-12-26T23:25:28+00:00

I feel like it's inappropriate to expect a proposal. That kind of thinking can set you up for disappointment, arguments, and disharmony.

The idea behind RPW is to earn and inspire a man's commitment, which is not yours to demand. If you're doing this right, there's no need to worry about whether he will propose or not because he will make his intentions very clear about whether or not it is going in that direction.

Have you tried reading "Getting to I Do?" I think this book might help you get the answers you seek in a RPW way.

loneliness-inc · 2018-12-25T21:28:13+00:00

I’ve discussed it saying point blank after we’ve moved in together you have a year to decide if you want to propose and then a year for the proposal. So by the end of that we will be together 3 years.

Title	When to expect a proposal?
Author	butterflyhalo
Upvotes	7
Comments	22
Date	December 25, 2018 4:45 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/a9c2nl/when_to_expect_a_proposal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-to-expect-a-proposal.68006 https://theredarchive.com/post/68006

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