[Discussion] How should I proceed with trust - can I reasonably require men to show me their phones in relationships?

the-cool-hedgehog · 2020-02-10T21:14:11+00:00

I had a partner who stated that if he found out that someone had looked through his private stuff, like phone, email etc., it would be a dealbreaker for him, as it would signalize disregard for his boundaries. I thought it was a reasonable boundary. Years later, when we had long broken up and he had married someone else, I found out he had cheated on his wife multiple times (I know at least two instances, so there must be a lot of more). I now view that his "boundary" was just cheater's mentality, so now I would be very cautious with such type of statements from someone.

plutunic · 2020-02-10T21:32:10+00:00

cheating is genetic. i've been cheated on a couple times and found that there's a "type" of guy that cheats. here's some red flags to look out for:

(1) his sense of self comes from others/he's insecure

(2) he has pornography habits, ESPECIALLY ones where he interacts with other women (massage parlors, cam girls, prostitutes, Reddit, you name it)

(3) if you meet him on OLD, he has multiple dating profiles across other apps or sites

(4) he's addicted to SM and uses it to stalk his exes, saves pictures of women (he may or may not know), and generally be a creep. tbh i think SM is catered to women, so it's a massive red flag when a guy is into it because it's almost always a precursor for a DM slider or worse.

(5) he openly gazes at or comments on other women in public

(6) he's had sex with a lot (say, 50+) of women. guys like this are usually hellbent on getting their fix of attention and never stop riding the high.

(7) doesn't have a history of LTRs

(8) makes sexual comments aloud as if they're appropriate, flirts with women in front of you, is physically affectionate with his female acquaintances/friends. someone else may warn you about this and you might choose to ignore the warning. please don't.

(9) generally speaking, extroverted types are more likely to be cheaters

(10) so are certain professions, look into this and stay away from these types. usually it's a combination of lots of travel for work + ego.

you can avoid cheaters handily by watching out for these warning signs.

as for snooping: do it when you feel the need to. nobody said you had to move all the data from the guy's phone onto your computer (lol). our intuition is specific for this kind of thing! when one of my exes cheated, i read maybe 10 messages from his best friend (who knew about the situation/just to see if anyone was encouraging it or knew) and the messages from the girl.

husheveryone · 2020-02-10T20:32:12+00:00

Did you see that post by the lady who looked at her date’s phone and found he’d just been watching cam girl porn, so she walked out of their dinner without a word? THAT’s the mood you want to emulate here, sis.

Not “hey I think ur a cheater gimme ur phone” — just simply get a quick look at it from time to time when he leaves it in your possession alone. Follow your instincts— now you know what it feels like to be dating a cheater, you’ll see those subtle cheater habits pop up, then you’ll find the tech proof.

EDIT: This is the FDS post-

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f1n7li/so_disappointed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

whycantweallgetal0ng · 2020-02-10T21:12:32+00:00

I'm a firm believer that trust should be earned, not given away.

Trust is earned incrementally by observing a man who behaves consistently and openly without being required to do so.

Only after a confirmation do you let yourself trust some more. That confirmation should be possible without asking and without extensive use of technology.

If you can only confirm your observations through extensive use of technology, then you already have your answer.

Don't bother asking, just leave him.

Nightingale1820 · 2020-02-11T00:27:31+00:00

My husband and I have each other’s phone passwords. When we were dating I would ask for his phone to look at Google Maps or something, and he would hand it to me without hesitation. I checked out his FB messages a few times, early on, before we really knew each other. Never anything questionable.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-02-10T21:16:42+00:00

Personally, I have never and will never ask for access to stuff like that just out of principle. My bf gives me his phone all the time to ask for directions if he's driving, I can look stuff up on his google (no wacky autocomplete), and I have glanced at his incoming texts when he's asked me to read one from his mom or something. Same goes with my phone for him. If trust had eroded to where I HAVE to look for something, the relationship is already over and I'm just looking to put the nail in the coffin.

I love that OP who just noped out of the guy's life when she glanced and saw porn. That's about all I would ever recommend. You can't hold all men guilty for the sins of the few. Be wary, don't be...whatever phone grabbers are.

Riddlesprites · 2020-02-11T01:28:46+00:00

I would caution you, just because you have access to their phones doesn’t mean you can tell if they’re cheating or using you. Don’t let access to a phone (or any tech) become a crutch, you still have to observe men and catch onto their consistent behavior. No access to any tech is going to 100% prove someone is cheating or not.

ChamomileSteel · 2020-02-10T20:18:58+00:00

Hey I hear ya regarding concerns with trust. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it’s easy for people to hide anything. Sometimes they slip up & we catch them...but I’m sure there’s tons of people who will always get away with it. Some people have multiple phones. Getting access to their accounts isn’t even close to a guarantee. Your intuition is a better gauge, I think. Trust your gut ❤️

It’s helped me to try & give someone the benefit of the doubt until they cross a boundary. If they cross any trust boundary, we should walk away. Easier said than done- but that’s what it takes to maintain self respect.

RiteWriter · 2020-02-10T20:25:25+00:00

[deleted]

eyezofnight · 2020-02-10T23:31:38+00:00

now a days guys get burner phones anyway

2020-02-11T07:23:15+00:00

This is a pretty hard question that I’m not really well equipped for since I haven’t had my trust broken like that, but I do know that in my relationships and with my friends, there isn’t a need to ask or demand to dig through their phone, because they won’t worry about you having the phone in your hand and using it. Also, not something to worry about until after exclusivity. I think following fds values in the early dating stages will help reduce the odds of finding a cheater.

inkybreadbox · 2020-02-11T04:44:01+00:00

Personal privacy is important, and you should never ask to look at his phone to snoop on him. Invasions of privacy are unforgivable to many people, me included. If you don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be in a relationship, regardless of whether he is actually hiding something. If he is cheating, there will be other signs. And if you need to look at his phone for proof, it is just for peace of mind as you are already walking out the door. There is no worthwhile relationship where you are always suspicious of your SO.

Title	[Discussion] How should I proceed with trust - can I reasonably require men to show me their phones in relationships?
Author	honestgoing
Upvotes	23
Comments	27
Date	February 10, 2020 7:56 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f1vu33/discussion_how_should_i_proceed_with_trust_can_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/discussion-how-should-i-proceed-with-trust-can-i.682879 https://theredarchive.com/post/682879

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