I was living my queen life with so much confidence and drive and "I'm doing me" behavior and attitude. I thought I had left my pickmeisha behavior in the past when I ditched some toxic gal friends and swore off dating for a little over a year. I thought I grew so much spiritually, mentally and in my education and was ready to take on life's challenges and continue my winning streak with CONFIDENCE, HIGH STANDARDS AND HIGH SELF-ESTEEM. That's right when I got back out there in the dating pool and put all my eggs in one basket for a fixer upper, LV, narcissistic, emotionally and potentially physically abusive man. And let me tell you, you shoulda called me Joanna fucking Gaines the way I was trying to put all the shiplap on that fucking relationship y'all. Trying to fix it, flip it, gut it and put in new hardwood, all of that!

First of all, I told him every single thing I was looking for in a man! EVERY THING! He of course pretended to be those things for nearly a year. Even within that year there was so much, SO MUCH that I ignored and made excuses for in my head. I thought I had been chosen by a sensitive man who just had some trouble times with his mom and that he was misunderstood by everyone around him. I thought that when he told me that his ex gf accused him of being abusive that she had a right to feel what she felt but when he began doubling down on the fact that he wasn't by giving examples of how he in fact was, I rearranged my LOUD SOUNDING RED FLAG ALARMS to low muffled sounds and told myself she was/must have been overexaggerating. 90% of our dates were walks in the park or through the city. Y'all I had to eventually start wearing sneakers just to stay comfortable for all the walking we did. DINNER OR LUNCH? DUTCH OR I PAID IN FULL. When we stayed at bed & breakfast establishments we went DUTCH or I PAYED FOR THEM IN FULL. I PAID IN FULL FOR A BED & BREAKFAST AND LUNCH FOR MY OWN BIRTHDAY Y'ALL! All the women friends he had that he wouldn't tell me much about? It was fine I wasn't the type to be a jealous bitch, lol what foolishness was that!! Y'all he'd visit his female friends and not tell me, take his phone in the bathroom ALWAYS and talk shit and or praise some of these same female friends. He was either using them or clearly wanted to fuck them. He expressed countless times that sometimes he still had urges from his 'old ways' I desperately pleaded that he either leave or decide he wants commitment INSTEAD OF JUST DUMPING HIS ASS FROM JUMP! He on more than one occasion said to me "I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I LIKE YOU FOR YOU OR IF ITS THE FACT THAT YOU STROKE MY EGO" I laughed this off y'all! He showed me who he was and even covertly warned me PLENTY OF TIMES. BUT MY PICK ME ASS WANTED TO FEEL LOVED AND WANTED THAT I THREW AWAY ALL OF MY VALUES, STANDARDS, SELF- RESPECT AND SO MUCH MORE AND SETTLED FOR A CRUSTY ASPIRING ENTERTAINER WHO SLEPT IN A DIRTY SMELLY ROOM ON THE FLOOR IN HIS MAMA'S HOUSE.

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I lowered my standards for 2 years because I thought the breadcrumbs he was giving me was love. You know the love that you're supposed to "make work" aka settle for because you don't think you can do any better. I put my emotional health, sexual h ealth, physical health, financial wealth, time, energy, and being at risk for a broke man with a pipe dream who emotionally and mentally abused me, with the potential of physical abuse cuz I wanted to get chose. Also this was my FIRST ADULT RELATIONSHIP.

It feels more than amazing to be re-established in my queendom and to focus on leveling up! Stay powerful and strong ladies and feel free to share any of your nightmarish experiences .