Intimacy Shaming: Anyone else experience these? Or am I the wrong one?

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-04-13T03:06:26+00:00

A partner that degraded and shames you making denigrating remarks knows nothing about intimacy and wants the porn performance his misogyny and entitlement expects.

There is no “homework”.

You demonstrate what you want after you have negotiated consent.

Fuck those men and who or whatever that taught you that any of this was ok because of your “inexperience”.

shade_of_ara · 2020-04-13T03:13:18+00:00

He's trying to make you insecure and get you into a people-pleasing mindset in order to control you. This is an attempt to groom you for further mistreatment.

Never tolerate that.

ETA: It's also an attempt to put you into the mindset of competing with other women. So many red flags.

rainbowshummingbird · 2020-04-13T03:30:19+00:00

Yes, my ex was a covert narc. Thank you for giving me this term for it, because he was definitely an intimacy shamer. He would tell me all the time that I was too loud and that other people could hear me talking. For the record, I’m quite soft spoken and not one person has ever told me that I spoke too loudly prior to my relationship with him. The kicker...he would often tell me that I orgasmed too loudly.

So happy I dumped that narc mess.

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-04-13T05:07:02+00:00

Just sharing my experience:

I was with a man for years who, any time I attempted to give him oral sex, would pull me up immediately. I asked him and he said he “doesn’t like it because can’t really feel it.” I tried other things but he never liked it so I stopped trying. He never asked.

He never offered suggestions but occasionally after a few years he would complain how he’d wish I would do certain oral sex things (he saw in porn, I’m assuming). I tried and he still pulled me away after like 1-2 seconds. Not my problem.

He made me feel bad at it but never would explain or seemed like he even knew what he wanted different.

Porn Death grip, I think.

It was an insecurity of mine for years.

Flash forward to the next guy. I give him oral sex, he loses his mind. It’s all he talks about. Tells me unprompted that’s it’s the best he’s ever had. After the first time he called me the next day to tell me it was the best of his life. I assumed he was lying of course because 1. Men lie and 2. I was “so bad at it” like my ex had told me, right? Nah, he was serious. Idk if I was really the “best of his life”, but he sure tried to get me to do it all the time and seemed to love when I did it. Like he left his body. It was a huge ego boost.

FDSFemmeFatale · 2020-04-13T04:57:52+00:00

Intimacy shaming is totally real. When I was dating my ex, he tried it. His insult of choice was that I always scraped him with my teeth when I went down on him. That was a whole entire lie, because I'm super careful to never, ever do that. I knew that he was trying to neg me, and he was out the door soon after that. He was just a controlling jerk, when it came down to it.

jackrusselterror1 · 2020-04-13T05:31:19+00:00

Yep, one ex told me that I don't make sexy noises during sex and I should do that because I'm way too quiet- I told him that I don't moan performatively or fake it so perhaps he should focus on what I've already told him I needed to enjoy myself and then I'll get loud. Sex was a huge argument in our relationship and I had already tried to communicate so many times what I like, but he purposefully ignored it and was shocked that I didn't orgasm. So rather that improve himself or genuinely care about my pleasure, he wanted me to fake orgasms for him so he could feel like a man. We broke up during that convo.

If he genuinely wanted to make intimacy better, he wouldn't shame you and would communicate clearly what he likes- his advice wouldn't be framed in absolutes or put you at fault.

dzgata · 2020-04-13T09:50:52+00:00

My friend was shamed for not squirting. Porn has really done a number on men.

purpleprinter_ · 2020-04-13T03:06:15+00:00

Men and Women tend to have different wants when it comes to intimacy. For example with kissing, on average men want “wetter” kisses with more tongue than women want. I wouldn’t take it to heart. Maybe if two separate partners commented on the exact same thing, then it might be something you’re doing. I don’t think it’s wrong to give someone corrections with things relating to intimacy. What I disagree with is that it wasn’t constructive criticism. They were just insulting you. For example when I’m with a new partner and they’re doing something I don’t like, I will say something like “Hey can you please try doing __, instead of doing blank ____?”. There is no point of stating the problem when they won’t give you a solution. Did they ever elaborate about why your kiss was “weird”? To get to your second story, it was wrong for your second partner to make you feel uncomfortable about sex. Sex should be a safe place for both people involved. Grown adults know that sex involves weird noises, smells, and facial expressions. Have you ever seen a guy’s expression when he’s finishing? Yeah, it’s not cute.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-04-13T09:59:58+00:00

I can't imagine a man making fun of a woman during intimate times. Why? Because men look so fucking stupid in those moments. It's like total goofy face, or like one of my exs, he used to bite his lower lip and narrow his eyes...like a fucking angry squirrel. Wait, what's that? Was he a bad kisser? Boy, was he ever. He'd put his tongue in my mouth and move it in slow motion and short movements. Like what? A kitten could do a better job.

Your ex probably just saw the wrong porn and it left his mark on him. I bet he sucked at making out. Everyone has to remember, men are easy to get off unless they have issues. Women are harder to please, so men should stop looking at porn and look at medical texts instead.

Title	Intimacy Shaming: Anyone else experience these? Or am I the wrong one?
Author	babysteps65
Upvotes	44
Comments	31
Date	April 13, 2020 2:46 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g0aaxi/intimacy_shaming_anyone_else_experience_these_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/intimacy-shaming-anyone-else-experience-these-or.692721 https://theredarchive.com/post/692721

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