🤔 How do I convince him to take the next step?

rftw2013 · 2019-10-20T17:00:22+00:00

Sis, he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he'd put a ring on it. Tell him, "You know, I'm ready to be married, and it doesn't seem like you are, so I'm moving on. This 5 year plan isn't working for me."

Men will waste your time so long as they feel they can. Either your declaration that you're moving on will spur him into action, or it won't. Either way, now you know. Do not move city with him. Keep your life and your friends.

myrtlebtch · 2019-10-20T15:48:01+00:00

[deleted]

AverageToHot · 2019-10-20T19:37:41+00:00

You should only be with a man for a maximum of 2 years before you get married. Personally, I’d be a man’s GF, 1.5 years max. He’d have to marry me by that mark.

You definitely need to tell him that you want to get married. Don’t listen to the advice that you shouldn’t bring it up or pressure him into it. If he’s really the man you’re gonna marry, if he’s really in love with you, he would 100% do what you want. He’ll make you his wife. Tell him you want to get married and that if he can’t do it, you have to move on and find someone else who’s looking for the same thing.

Men will waste your time if you let them. Don’t be a victim of their stupidity and ruthlessness.

Wonderrednow · 2019-10-20T15:25:42+00:00

I agree: pushing for a proposal is a bad idea, but waiting for one is too. You've been together for 3 years. If he is still unsure now, the answer is NO. Move on.

Do NOT buy a home together. I don't believe in even living with a BF until you're engaged-at the earliest. Doing so before hand is giving him the benefits of marriage without the guarantee of a commitment-and many women have prolonged the inevitable breakup this way. Men will stay in a situation like that comfortably and tell you what you want to hear because they get the sex and domestic labor of a wife without the burden of the legal commitment. For you, it will be harder to leave when you share a mortgage, lease, etc.

His deployment means that you guy are going to be perpetually long distance unless you wed. The military does not recognize GF. He knows this.

You should have a firm but not forceful conversation. Just tell him that you are at a stage where you're ready for this commitment. You want to move towards that kind of stability, and marriage is important to you. Say those words explicitly: MARRIAGE IS IMPORTANT TO ME. You don't see the point in waiting much longer. Give him a few more months (6 months, 12 if you're feeling gene ours) but don't TELL him your timeline or give him an ultimatum. If he doesn't make the move, the answer is NO. Move on. Also, some people change after a deployment so you may have doubts after he returns. Feel each other out.

Men do not hesitate when they want to get married, especially if there is nothing wonky going on on your end. If he doesn't propose, please don't take it personally. Men do this on their own time. A lot of them don't marry the one who's best for them. They marry the one who is around when they are ready to be married. That sounds ridiculous but it's true. He may think he is too young, still fantasizing about the pussy he's going to pass up by being legally bound to you, etc. All of his hesitation may be about what he thinks he's losing right now. And adultery in the Navy is a huge deal. You could really screw him over if he messes up. 10 years later when he realizes he oversold himself on the bachelor life, he will swoop up the nice gal who's still available at that point in his life. You don't want to wait around to see if you get to be that girl. Give him an extra year if you really want to be with him. Any longer and I think you're wasting your time.

There was an epic reddit thread a few years ago about a guy who dumped his loyal gorgeous girlfriend of 7 years because he developed a crush on girl at work. The new girl has no interest in him, but the crush made him think about all the pussy he thought he was missing. Mind you, he'd been promising this girl that they would marry-and she was in her late twenties/early thirties at this point. She could have been happily married or dating someone else if he didn't waste her time. Your time is valuable.

bearded_dragonlady · 2019-10-20T16:18:58+00:00

I agree with the other poster that this isn't about you. It's about him. You're probably the right woman but not at the right time. It sucks, but you shouldn't be willing to relocate for a man's job if he isn't willing to put a ring on your finger. The only thing you need to take responsibility for is teaching him how to treat you. He's been taught he can get what he wants without giving you what you want, or he might have proposed by now to keep you. You'll never know if you don't make your wants and needs clear, but I would be prepared to move on.

Wishing you so much luck! I dated a non-committal military man once and it was so difficult to leave. I thought we were a great match because I work from home and can move anywhere at the drop of a hat and enjoy long stretches of time to myself. But his head was filled with so much bullshit from his friends about "dependapotamus," women who let go of themselves and become lazy the second you marry them then leave you in ten years and take part of your pension. I made more than this motherfucker but I have ADHD and my medication can get very expensive. He seriously thought I'd only marry him for cheap healthcare! He wanted me to jump through so many hoops to prove I wasn't using him. I loved him but I had to walk. I couldn't be with someone who was that paranoid. I just knew he'd return home from deployments and excuse me of cheating or some other BS in the future.

rainisthelife · 2019-10-20T19:57:00+00:00

Do not waste your youth on this man that is likely not serious about you.

You need to sit him down and have a frank discussion with him. Let him know that 3yrs is enough time for him to decide whether or not he wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of his life. If he wants to, then something needs to change in the next few months. And if he doesn’t, start dating others.

If he tries to be evasive or gaslight you into thinking you’re being naggy or crazy, ignore him and just start dating other guys. When he realizes he has competition, he will either return to his senses or leave and then you can find someone more worthy.

Daytripsinsidecars · 2019-10-20T14:52:52+00:00

Definitely don’t push for a proposal.

I did that once. It’s leads to an unhappy marriage and divorce.

The reason proposals are so damn wonderful is that you know HE has independently decided he wants to marry you. He has weighed the pros and cons and decided he wants it. It’s good that he’s waiting. It’s good that he’s thinking it through. It means when he does eventually ask he will be sure about it.

Trust me. You want him to be sure.

If you haven’t lived together yet you don’t know each other well. It’s not unreasonable for him to want to see what you’re like in that environment before committing for life.

FruitTreesRule · 2019-10-20T15:38:48+00:00

You don't want to give an ultimatum but...you really have to analyze why you want to get married and he apparently doesn't.

You've been with this guy three years. Stuck with him through super stressful times (deployment), following him all over the country, and now there are conversations about helping him buy a home/split the monthly mortgage bill in a city you have no stake in besides being with him...

Seems like you know each other plenty. Seems like there is an emotional and commitment imbalance in the relationship.

After all of that, wanting to wait does not seem like a valid response. Wanting to see how living together goes is not a valid response either. Three years gives you enough information to know if someone has major deal breakers. Maybe moving in together might expose minor differences in habits and cleanliness but not any total shocks. Honestly, the only thing it accomplishes is another opportunity for him to get major sacrifices from you while offering no commitment in return. It sounds like a recipe for taking you for granted.

DelicateDream · 2019-10-20T18:41:03+00:00

Be honest about the house thing with him. What you said here is ok. If he tries to tear down your feeling by acting like it’s unreasonable, remember NO JADE. No justifying, arguing, defending nor explaining. Feelings and preferences are subjective and so objective facts or reasons do not apply. They are what they are. You desire marriage before buying a home with someone and there’s no need to try and validate the desire - it’s validity is intrinsic.

Accept that you also cannot convince him of anything nor should you want to. Deep down you know the truth but it’s scary because you care for him. Asserting your genuine feelings and no longer being “low hanging fruit” could change his feelings about you too, but don’t bet on it. It’s not strategy to manipulate but honesty so you can genuinely have your needs and desires met.

You didn’t necessarily waste time. Think of all the good qualities he has, the good times but also the bad qualities and bad times. You have a nice foundation to refine what it is you want in your marriage mate. You can even tell him that and thank him for it. You have greater clarity on what you want and need.

If he tries to get you to stay together without committing further (ie maintain status quo), then at most, “downgrade” him. He’s now a man you’re seeing and not an exclusive boyfriend. Odds are low that he’ll be cool with that though.

Title	🤔 How do I convince him to take the next step?
Author	_confusedintern
Upvotes	23
Comments	28
Date	October 20, 2019 2:30 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dkkbw2/how_do_i_convince_him_to_take_the_next_step/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-i-convince-him-to-take-the-next-step.695589 https://theredarchive.com/post/695589

Comments