Daily Reminder

indaazz1 · 2020-07-23T11:55:32+00:00

I would like to add being vigilant and not allowing red flags to pile up!! Being too tolerant is the sure-fire way to get yourself stuck in misery and abuse down the line.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-07-23T12:05:48+00:00

This is such an excellent point.

An NV/LV person will commit and may even try their best to be a good partner or friend, but in the end, intentionally or not, they repeatedly come up short.

And that is who they are.

To translate into psychological terms...

Being vigilant = having healthy emotional boundaries.

For those of us who are former Pickmes or Pickmes trying to improve, vigilance can sound like paranoia or emotional distance

But vigilance means self-care in the form of understanding our own needs and not ignoring things when our boundaries are repeatedly violated.

For me, emotional boundaries are a gentler term for vigilance but they are the exact same thing in practice.

This post is great because we should be vigilant and mindful about tending to ourselves our entire lives.

Not saying ONLY ourselves, because we may choose to love HV people and care for them

But we must always tend to ourselves first before we can help others.

Women are not setting themselves on fire to keep others warm any more.

peachpy54 · 2020-07-23T18:13:25+00:00

That is so incredibly true...they will stay until year 25 of marriage, until that cancer diagnosis, until that whatever, when finally the cons outweigh the pros. Whenever that day hits, is that day when he's out that door. Remember that the door could be literal or METAPHORICAL.

A lot of men will abdicate their roles PASSIVELY, not by walking out the door, but just by sitting on the couch. They might not walk out literally with that cancer diagnosis, they might just sit back and let everyone else (or no one else, if you can't afford it) do the care and emotional labor, as he just sits back and does nothing.

This is the real talk. This is why FDS is teaching women the most important lessons a woman can ever learn. The partner you choose in life now is the partner you CAN'T UNCHOOSE when you (or your children) are sick, injured, and dying, and have NO OPTIONALITY LEFT.

Derivative31224 · 2020-07-23T15:13:06+00:00

I swear FDS saves my sanity every single day!

BeADecentHumanBeing · 2020-07-23T15:11:04+00:00

Exactly.

Love yourself, and don't accept anything less than the best for yourself.

Society brainwashes women to feel guilty about wanting good, but don't lose sight of your values.

2020-07-23T14:24:10+00:00

Saving this for the moments I feel I was the one that failed. I didn’t fail, I just had a LVM

4E4ME · 2020-07-23T15:52:10+00:00

100 truth. A lot of men I have come across have told me that when they're ready to settle down, they'd choose any woman that is available to them and marry and that kind of shocked me. They don't care if they love her or anything else, as long as she's willing to marry him.

I wonder how someone can be so thoughtless about this kind of long term commitment.

So ladies, his wanting to marry you is not an indicator of how much he loves or values you or that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You might have just been an available option for him.

LovedDemons · 2020-07-24T00:36:23+00:00

You don't think it's true but...My grandfather and grandmother have been together since highschool. Married shortly after and lived a good 45 years writing and organizing plays before grandpa got a brain tumor. When he died, my grandmother found letters he collected from a number of women he had affairs with stuffed in his office desk. A lot of those women were actresses or co-writers. ALL were my grandmother's friends.

He always remained in my grandmother's life because she was obedient, submissive, and backed him up in everything he did. He was a LVM to the core.

LVM/NVM staying with you doesn't mean loyalty at all.

jelilikins · 2020-07-23T22:43:33+00:00

You're so right.

I read an article yesterday about a couple who suffered in a horrible chimp attack. The basic story is that they kept a chimp as their own child for decades, were eventually forced to give him to a sanctuary, then when visiting a different chimp escaped and mauled them - well, mostly the man. It's a really horrifying story.

The aside that really struck me about the story was how this guy treated his wife with ZERO respect, seemingly from the get-go. Early on in their relationship he jilted her - as in, literally left her standing at the church and fled the country because he resented that people thought badly of him for it. Later they got married, but it sounds like now he needs full-time care (a role which she fulfils without complaint), he continues to be extremely rude even in front of the interviewer. I think it stuck out more to me because of FDS. Obviously I wouldn't wish his fate on ANYONE, but he sounds like such a self-involved bastard.

Link here (warning: horrible description of the attack included), but I'll paste the FDS-relevant bits below. https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a5609/chimpanzee-attack-0409/

...

St. James Davis is crying. It's a loud, whooping wail of a cry. He's sitting in the driveway of his childhood home, a sprawling, L-shaped ranch house in West Covina, California, on a sun-drenched day last September. Standing next to him is his wife of nearly forty years, LaDonna. On the brink of tears herself, LaDonna grabs a cloth and gently cradles his cheek with her right hand. With her left, she carefully dabs at his mouth. St. James keeps his head still as she tends to him. He doesn't say a word as he calms down. He doesn't have to — LaDonna knows what he wants now that the sun is beating down on him. She grabs the beige bucket hat hanging around his neck and eases it onto his head.

...

"Okay, then, now you're talking," St. James says after I offer to help him with his car. We'd been sitting outside his mother's old home for a couple of hours, and it had become clear that St. James was far more concerned with getting work done on his car than talking about his life. Zooming ahead in his motorized wheelchair, he leads me to the driveway, where the wooden frame of a 1923 Franklin is resting on a table. It's shaped like a six-foot-long tuning fork and is covered in rusty bolts and nails. St. James is giddy. His condition has kept him from working on the car for three years, so LaDonna has taken over the labor. Having another pair of hands is priceless to him.

...

Watching from a few feet away, LaDonna is laughing. She's thin and pretty at age sixty-five. Guided by her husband, she has taken apart the Franklin over the past three months. Now she's rubbing epoxy on the fender with a piece of cardboard. St. James is less patient with her.

"LaDonna, what are you doing?" he says as she applies the epoxy. "It's dripping all over the place." LaDonna doesn't get flustered. She knows he's just frustrated. After St. James commands her to pull out an extension cord, she laughs. "I can do that," she says, "because I love you so much."

Later, over some In-N-Out burgers that we eat sitting around the Franklin, the couple begins to tell the story of their lives. And, as it often does with St. James, it comes back to cars.

St. James and LaDonna were high school sweethearts in West Covina. They dated for a few years before St. James reluctantly agreed to get married. He was obsessed with cars and worried that marriage would put a wedge between him and his hot rods. By 1966, everything was in place for their wedding at a small brick church in West Covina, but St. James never showed up. Instead, he spent the afternoon under the hood of one of his cars while LaDonna was left alone in the church before all their friends and relatives.

The following week was the worst of St. James's life. The story of the jilted bride became the talk of the neighborhood. The entire town, it seemed, had turned against him. When he saw the ad in the paper, he knew he had found his way out: A merchant ship was looking for deckhands for an around-the-world voyage, all expenses paid. St. James had never been on a boat, but he didn't care.

What happened over the next several months altered the course of St. James's life. It is impossible to know for sure how he ended up with a baby chimpanzee. The tale he tells strains credulity in places, but he recounts it passionately, in vivid detail. By now, its facts are beyond any proof or evidence besides St. James's earnest telling. In any case, it seems to be what St. James has come to believe.

[Wild story]

By the time St. James stepped off the plane into the warm air outside Los Angeles International Airport, he was a changed man. His imposing frame had wasted away. His cheeks were hollow. Gaping sores covered his face and neck. And in his arms there was no luggage, only a baby chimpanzee.

Waiting for St. James inside the terminal was his mother, Estelle. LaDonna was there, too, and she was seething. She hadn't seen him since the day before he left her at the altar.

St. James hugged his mother. He and LaDonna locked eyes but didn't exchange words. She was waiting for him to start explaining, and she had no idea what to make of the tiny monkey at his side. St. James and LaDonna left the airport that day not knowing if they were ever going to speak again.

[No explanation or apology seems to have followed]

In time, LaDonna's mom started dragging her daughter over to play with the chimp. Like everyone else, LaDonna soon fell in love with Moe. It wasn't long before she also fell back in love with St. James. The wedding, on June 6, 1970, was a modest affair, held at LaDonna's parents' home in West Covina. Moe was St. James's best man. The four-year-old chimp, dressed in a tight-fitting black tuxedo, walked down the aisle holding hands with the flower girl as she tossed rose petals on the floor. At the reception, Moe scampered from table to table, stealing sips of champagne. When one of the guests, a friend of LaDonna's mother's, began sharing her glass with him, the chimp clung to her for the rest of the night. Moe got drunk and pissed all over her pale yellow dress, which everyone in the room thought was about the funniest thing they'd ever seen. As St. James told his friends, Moe was the "bond between us two."

...

They're still sitting near the car. The sun is setting, but now St. James can't stop talking. His hands are flying through the air as he talks about Moe. "Listen closely now: I've told this story to very few people," he says more than once. He talks over LaDonna frequently. She barely seems to notice.

lskfjd743 · 2020-07-23T12:16:14+00:00

PREACH!!!!!

sophrosyne2189 · 2020-07-24T02:59:35+00:00

This should be part of the handbook's preface. "FDS is a life-long strategy."

oathmilk · 2020-07-23T18:50:26+00:00

Super important! I think this is such a good point it ought to be stickied

2020-07-28T05:54:41+00:00

Tell me you gals have watched Tiger King. Basically the main guy got married to two men that were not even bi. One left him for a woman and the other killer himself because he was so unhappy. That series has a lot of themes that we talk about on this sub.

Title	Daily Reminder
Author	BabyGothQ
Upvotes	364
Comments	20
Date	July 23, 2020 11:13 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hwdtvs/daily_reminder/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/daily-reminder.717069 https://theredarchive.com/post/717069

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