Thoughts on bringing other people into your sex life?

Antihumanityxo · 2017-09-09T14:00:26+00:00

Your husband doesn't want to see you having sex with another man because he doesn't want you to have sex with another man. That should be the end of that discussion.

As for bringing other women into the situation, that depends on how you feel about it. Yes, it can be done in a healthy way that is compatible with RP values. No, the absolute vast majority of men, women and couples are not capable of handling it.

QForTheOtherWoman123 · 2017-09-09T14:14:45+00:00

My roommate is, for the second time, in a situation where she is "the other woman." (without the knowledge/consent of the wife). Just learned the other day, through a mutual acquaintance. My main concern at first was convincing the mutual friend that I wasn't going to judge and change my relationship with the roommate (reassured her with "a marriage is a contract between two people, and roommate is not one of the people")

It occurred to me the next day that she thinks my boyfriend is great, and is really thoughtful when it comes to considering him. Fortunately I trust my bf enough that I don't believe he would have an affair even if she crawled into bed with him naked, and I trust my roommate enough that I can't imagine her doing something to hurt me. Plus, I admit my boyfriend isn't the hottest, and she is pretty smoking, so she's a bit "out of his league" (although the fact that he makes 4x as much as she does might make up for a bit of the physical rank differences).

Since that conversation the other day, have had assorted "what if" scenarios in my head. Realized that I'm actually not too bothered by the idea of him having sex with her. I would probably be impressed that he had wooed someone so hot, and I'm not worried about him leaving me for her for assorted reasons. We both agree that she's an amazing roommate and we want to live with her as long as is practical. It's the first time in my life something like this has seemed remotely even imaginable and I DON'T KNOW WHO TO TALK TO ABOUT IT. Tried to find an appropriate sub reddit but I don't know where to go :( She and I are both not feminists, so I don't really think relationship_advice etc would have good advice, plus I more want a conversation and don't have a specific question.

But back to you, I would tread careful. Men are evolved to generally be pretty uncomfortable with Their Woman being used by someone else.

2017-09-09T13:58:45+00:00

Well, my thoughts? Don't.

TheLaughingRhino · 2017-09-09T22:04:03+00:00

My thoughts on this, from my observation and experience....

A) If you are married ( "you" as in a general term, not specifically you OP) and you bring up essentially opening up the relationship, and the other partner is against it, "you" have just ended the relationship. Doesn't matter if you have kids, shared finances, work together, grew up together, none of that matters, IMHO, the relationship dies right in that conversation. One person wants to have sex with someone else ( probably has someone specific in mind) and now the other person, the unwilling person, knows it.

B) If two people are married and are married under "traditional wedding vows" , then some of those include "forsaking all others" and "faithful". If a person stands in front of God ( if they believe in one, I'm not trying to broker a religious argument here) , their family, their friends, maybe their kids, their coworkers, basically the important people in their life, and say "forsake all others" , agree to it, then later don't do it, then what does that say?

At some point, what other people think should not influence your life.

But at some point, if one "says the words", then it's an integrity question. The words have to mean something if you say them. If they don't mean anything, if some of them aren't held, then none of them are safe, none of them can be sure to be held.

C) I've seen other people try it, usually it ends badly, partly because boundaries are hard to establish, enforce and there are usually issues that crop up that both didn't expect. And there is often a disparity in opportunity, one partner will tend to have more options than the other. And once that horse leaves the barn, it's never coming back in.

Personally I see a big difference between when a relationship is "over" and when a relationship "ends" There are plenty of older married people, I'm sure many people know people in this boat, where the relationship is functionally over. They are just room mates , but they comfortable, money is involved, kids are involved, and investment and sunk cost are made and they weigh out being "alone" versus staying with someone they sort of resent privately. Just because a relationship does not end does not mean it's over.

I'd say 99 percent of open relationships I've seen, married or otherwise, are "over". Some get to the point of ending. Some don't.

Key to point out, and you don't have to answer this here in public, and maybe it's better you don't in any circumstance

Do you want to have sex with someone else?
Do you have someone specific in mind?
Who brought up the conversation to open up the relationship?
In the past circumstance, pre marriage, who brought up the topic?
Are you attracted to the male in the other couple?
Have you previously had sex with the male in the other couple?
Have you and the other male in the other couple discussed this without the other spouses present?

I think it's very important to determine if you actually want to sleep with someone else and someone else specific. I think it's important to determine if ti's something you want and if the only hang up is the stigma/guilt associated with it.

The following is my opinion, my viewpoint, and I understand no one needs to agree or subscribe to it. It's in the vein of just trying to be as honest as possible to you.

If I was married and my wife brought up the topic to me in any form, I'd get a divorce.

If you determine you do want to sleep with someone else, and your husband does not, your marriage is functionally over. Whether or not it "ends" on a logistical level, I suppose that is yet to be determined over time. There are moments when a relationship dies. Two people can stay together, live together, share good times and bad times, have kids, plan a future and the bond between them can simply be dead. It happens, it happens more than people think it happens.

If you want your marriage to not "end", then I'd suggest you never bring the topic up again to him.

As a point of fairness, that he participated in a threesome premarriage only opened up this can of worms further. Is he complicit? He didn't help himself here.

Also to be fair, whatever type of "relationship" that people have, I get that. People want to be happy, life is short, people are different. But if two people AGREE TO A SET OF TERMS, then one, or maybe both parties, WANT TO CHANGE THOSE TERMS, to me, that's not in keeping with acting in good faith to the relationship. It's wanting a different relationship dynamic, so thus, by extension, the old one dies. It dies whether you change to the new and desired option or not. I agree that people do change over time. But MARRIAGE SPECIFICALLY, at least as traditionally constructed, is a BUY IN FOR LIFE deal. You are buying into the terms FOR LIFE. IMHO, the best course, if there is one, for an open marriage, is if it's basically negotiated from the very start of the relationship period. I don't mean marriage, I mean basically right when you meet the other person and decide to formalize some kind of commitment.

I think you get that you pulled the pin, I don't quite know if you see the grenade actually went off as well.

These are pretty complex issues. I won't pretend any of this is simple for people out there. But if there's one universal thing that crushes people in relationships, it's when the evidence is clear that one is not "enough" for their partner. Wanting someone who doesn't want you back. People can get over that. Wanting someone badly when the only want you sort of/kind of, that's the type that breaks people in half. It grinds their will into dust. It's when all hope extinguishes from their eyes.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck with all of this.

Banincoming · 2017-09-09T16:31:34+00:00

I don't personally know of a single marriage that lasted where the partners were having sex with other people. I know of many that imploded due to people who thought they could handle it but couldn't.

LawyerInTheMaking · 2017-09-09T14:39:22+00:00

Don't open Pandora's box and think you can close it after without problems. Some doors are better left not opened.

2017-09-09T16:37:33+00:00

I feel like everyone is having threesomes and really exciting sexual experiences, even married couples, and it makes me wonder if I'm repressed or just missing out.

.

We've only had one threesome (before getting married) and it was really good but we didn't want to keep doing it because we knew it could cause problems in our relationship.

There's your answer for you.

imspookyboo · 2017-09-09T14:50:26+00:00

Sounds like a bad plan - lots of hurt feelings & confusion on the horizon but perhaps that's just me. I know this wouldn't work for my husband and I. At the end of the day, you two are the only ones who can decide this and I think the decision should be made after much thought and discussion. Wishing you the best!

nawinter77 · 2017-09-09T21:07:24+00:00

This almost never works when any part of the couples do things "in private" as your husband is suggesting. Generally the idea of what happened between you and another man is MUCH more painful than actually seeing it.

Don't do this if everyone is not on board with being in the same room, especially with as little experience as you guys have in swinging.

I've had a lot of experience with this sort of thing, feel free to ask questions of me if you want, I am very open about my past.

2017-09-09T21:49:00+00:00

Doesn't sound very red pill

RubyWooToo · 2017-09-12T18:16:09+00:00

If you didn't want to put your relationship at risk by bringing other people into your bed while you were dating, then I don't know why you want to marriage at risk. Yes, it seems like you're in a stronger place, but you also have a helluva lot more to lose.

Also, you should be aware that swingers circles have a tendency to be very cultish. The people who are actively engaged in the scene very much consider it a lifestyle, and they are constantly recruiting people in order to keep things fresh.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2017-09-09T16:39:05+00:00

It can work, right up to the point where everything implodes. If your man and your relationship are worth losing then this is worth trying.

What I found in my last marriage is that the extra female partners were enjoyable, but instead of sating some forbidden desires, they always highlighted existing relationship issues.

pinkdrawings · 2017-09-10T19:33:44+00:00

I'm not sure if I think its a good idea, but you could try an escort/hooker for the third party. Just because the hooker is more likely to leave and not really bug you guys.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2017-09-09T20:24:22+00:00

Thank you for the kind thoughts. It's an issue because sex and sexual bonding are highly emotional for both men and women. Few are good at keeping those emotions separated. I've been around a lot of relationships that were open (and mine was only open to women because I wasn't interested in sharing my wife with another man) and they will hit a critical point. Like any man, more sex is good but more women to have sex with is better. In that moment, there is an implied "caring" that will grow. I think satisfying two women in bed isn't the issue. It's satisfying them outside of the bedroom that the problems occur. For me, I had ignored or avoided all the problems mg wife brought to our relationship because they never changed. Then I'd see slivers of the things I wanted in my relationship that were coming from our unicorns (apparently we were good at finding these young single girls). That drive resentment from me towards my wife that a "lesser" woman could so easily provide the minimums I wanted. Then my wife noticed how I treated the girls in ways that she always wanted; specific types of affection, touching, attention and lust. It turns out, I couldn't fake those feelings for my wife and she grew increasingly emotionally hostile toward me. Yada, yada, yada, I'm divorced and seeing one of the unicorns. Most stable and satisfying relationship ever.

TheLadyMischief · 2017-09-11T13:54:38+00:00

Replying as someone who was the 3rd participant in a couple of scenarios in my early 20s, it became apparent rather quickly that I was being used as a marital aid by the husband, the wife, or both. It wasn't malicious of course (or even really a conscious thing, exactly), but it was happening nonetheless. This and other personal experiences have taught me that couples--married or otherwise--that wish to stay strong, committed, and stable should not invite a third into their bed.

kaylin_xx3 · 2017-09-09T18:13:33+00:00

Based on your post and your husband's response I'm not sure either of you are ready for something like this. If you decide to try it, you have a lot of communicating ahead of you.

Personally I would not ever have a threesome. I could not see my husband touching someone else, or even know that it is/was happening. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on anything because he is enough for me.

Title	Thoughts on bringing other people into your sex life?
Author	anonymouspalmtree
Upvotes	5
Comments	31
Date	September 9, 2017 1:30 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6z1ow0/thoughts_on_bringing_other_people_into_your_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/thoughts-on-bringing-other-people-into-your-sex.73394 https://theredarchive.com/post/73394

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