What makes insecurity a turn off

hoesndiscos · 2021-05-19T05:59:07+00:00

You are saying a lot of general things here like “shame me because I’m a man” and “i’m insecure”

I think it depends on being secure and insecure about different things, or slightly different things. You do not want to be the person who is insecure about everything. On the other hand, for example, you can be secure about how you look or your career, but open up to someone about your insecurity about making new friends, talking to people at parties, your career, or your old insecurities.

It’s very important though to have something close that you aren’t insecure about. I’m insecure about my face, not my body. I’m insecure about my job, but not my career prospects. And also avoid being the person who is insecure in a “I’m doomed” and avoids doing something about it kind of way.

Tldr insecurity is a turnoff when you don’t have enough things you’re secure about and/or you’re not actively working on (internally or externally) things you’re insecure about

pencilbride2B · 2021-05-19T15:00:10+00:00

Everybody has insecurities. People who do not accept that are actually those who are most insecure deep down.

I am female and I accept that whichever guy I date will have insecurities. I do not shame them for that. If you love someone you accept them, for all they are, strengths and weaknesses. We are all humans.

You were probably dating people who are not honest enough with themselves. A lot of people are not honest with themselves. Try dating people with more self-awareness and EQ. You have clearly come to admit the truth to yourself, not many people like pulling down their act, but all the best people do. So congratulate yourself on evolving to a healthier sense of self-honesty and only date people who have the maturity to understand that.

tomowudi · 2021-05-19T12:32:07+00:00

As is so often the case, the question isn't your real question.

What makes insecurity a turn off? The lack of security itself, because you can't be both afraid and horny at the same time, as a matter of human physiology. When you are afraid, your brain literally changes the way it functions to divert energy towards survival.

It shuts down digestion. It slows down cognitive processing because that blood needs to go to your muscles. It shuts down reproductive functions too.

After all, if you are about to die, you need to act quickly. Not fuck. Not eat. Fight, run, or hide - no romance, no conversation. That is fear, and insecurity is just fear at the end of the day. Granted, insecurity isn't as intense as coming face to face with an angry hippo in the jungle, but your physiology doesn't actually know that.

And humans are social creatures. We pick up on nonverbal communication very well. So when we pick up the nonverbal cues that someone is afraid or uncomfortable, we ALSO feel afraid and uncomfortable. Because if they are in danger, WE might be in danger too.

So insecurity results in other people feeling insecure as well, which is uncomfortable. And the thing about chronically insecure people is that they will feel insecure when other people don't. Which makes everyone feel less safe, for reasons most folks will find impossible to explain, since it's all instinct/subconscious. I mean, who the fuck realizes that the reason they feel awkward around someone is because their social awkwardness is unconsciously projecting a signal to your body that you might be eaten by a lion on a Friday night during happy hour?

Nobody. That's the god damned truth. Good luck finding anyone able to realize that's what's actually going on.

Which brings me to your unasked question - if everyone has insecurities, why is MALE insecurity such a big turn off?

Mostly cultural expectation and a little biological, honestly.

Men tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Our expectations around surviving violence, our sense of safety while alone, they are on average different from women. After all, on average women are smaller and weaker than men. So, when combined with testosterone (which just makes men more likely to ACT, not necessarily be more heroic or violent), men will feel less insecure about their physical safety than women.

I mean, women are also terrified of men, on average, because they have either experienced or learned that those bigger and stronger than them are also likely to harm them. No matter how true or false this is, it's the perceived reality for a statistically significant number of women globally.

So when a man is insecure around women, not only is it a turn off because, "Fuck, is there a lion behind me" biology, it's also because YOU might be that threat. Biologically, if they sense you are uncomfortable, or they sense you are approaching them in a predatory manner...

They get scared. Not big fear, not like if you were to physically assault them or yell at them. That's overt. Again, this is subconscious. It's about nonverbal communication, which women are generally better at interpreting than men because women rely more heavily on communication than their size and strength to resolve conflicts. After all, it's not like women are expecting to arm wrestle their way out of problems when they are smaller and weaker, right?

But men get scared too. Subconsciously. We are afraid of rejection, of losing status, because that too is a matter of survival.

10 thousand fucking years ago, if Thog gets rejected by his tribe or a mate, he has to face sabertooth tigers at night alone. Today, if you get rejected by a chick or your friends, you can pick up your phone and have junk food delivered while finding new friends and fuck buddies on a free app.

The point being, our insecurities are really out of touch with the actual reality of the consequences we are facing. Mostly because of biology, but significantly also a result of our perspective on how meaningful our feelings of insecurity are when compared to the reality.

Of course, nobody likes to feel rejected.

But it's not going to fucking kill you.

And people who do not have chronic insecurity non-verbally communicate that to others, because they subconsciously understand that rejection is unpleasant, but not dangerous.

But people who DO have chronic insecurity absolutely fear rejection. It's more than uncomfortable. It's confirmation of even deeper fears that they don't verbalize. It's part of a constellation of pessimistic predictions about the future, and so their every action is motivated by the fear of that future becoming a reality.

And the true tragedy is that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If your actions are shaped by fear, that is the shape your reality will take.

If you fear you will be rejected for being yourself, you will project to others that something is off, and that will make them less comfortable around you. That is why confident people are persued...

Because sometimes people just feel safer when other people around them feel safe. Being confident nonverbally communicates SAFETY.

So for women, who have good reasons to feel unsafe around men, a confident man makes them feel safe. After all, he's the biggest threat, but he's not a threat to them. And if he is not viewing them predatorily, there is no danger for them to pick up on.

Of course, real predators are skilled at hiding their predatory intent. Insecure people are not, so what works for a true predator will not work for an insecure man just wanting a friend or a mate.

The fact is though, that part of your problem is that you think women are allowed to be as insecure as they want. This is not true.

Everyone is allowed to be as insecure as they want. The problem is that nobody wants to be insecure. It sucks to be afraid, even a little, constantly.

Insecure people aren't happy with their insecurities. They can be happy in spite of them though.

For women, there are plenty of consequences for their insecurities. For starters, it is just as annoying to be in a relationship with an insecure woman as it is to be with an insecure man.

Put it to you this way - I expect people to feel insecure from time to time. I wouldn't have married my wife if she was chronically insecure. Too much work to be with someone like that.

So I would reject a woman who is too insecure. There are many men who would also reject women for being insecure. Some people might find it cute, but others won't.

Plus, men are attracted to youth and vulnerability. That's just science. So there likely is a bias, and you have good old biology to thank for that. It's the reason why blondes and younger ladies are seen as more desirable than brunettes who are older. Youth and vulnerability.

Stop focusing on the idea that insecurity is a turn off, and start focusing on identifying if the consequences of what you are insecure about are worth the emotional labor you put into hiding them from others. I mean, pretending you aren't insecure about something just makes you more insecure about it because you are ultimately insecure about feeling vulnerable.

And only the powerful do not fear vulnerability.

Admit your fears and your doubts. Just be real. Be unashamed of your ignorance and simply be honest about your feelings.

"Hey, I really like you, but I suck at clever conversation. It makes me feel nervous, and I'm even more nervous that telling you that is going to be a turn off. Did I just blow the mood? "

That right there would be better than saying, "Your friend is prettier, but I'm hoping you're more fun - fun girls are my favorite." Because the first is you being honest about how you feel, and the second is just predatory manipulation. Manipulation will get you notches on your bedpost, but it won't get you a partner who will be there for you when times are tough.

Sex is fun, but it's free. A partner who will be there for you when your grandmother dies, your dog is dying, and your parents are both coming down with dementia is PRICELESS. To trust that you don't have to face that alone, that you can collapse and cry until you have no more tears in your body and they will not think less of you...

That's irreplaceable. And you can't buy or manipulate your way into that. You have to earn it by being brave enough to be yourself, so that they can see you for who you are long enough to fall in love with you.

Love is just unconditional, positive regard. It doesn't mean your relationship is healthy, it just means that there is nothing that will change how you FEEL. There are good reasons to end an unhealthy relationship built on feelings that will never dwindle or change.

But you just can't find love or healthy relationships if you aren't being yourself. You will forever have a mask of fear hiding who you are, so nobody can ever truly know you as long as your true face is hidden by that mask. And what they don't see, they may fear.

badsign12 · 2021-05-19T13:53:03+00:00

There's a difference between having insecurities (we all do) and letting them guide your behavior.

Being around a person who acts insecure is often draining. If my insecurity shows in my behavior or comments, it likely elicits a response from you. Maybe just a mental response as you decide what to say to me or whether to address my comment or behavior at all, but you're still kind of put on the spot.

That's not always a bad thing. If you show or express insecurities to someone you're close to they may welcome the chance to help you feel a bit better, especially if you've done the same for them. But if you too often need reassurance from a close friend you'll tax their emotional reserves and wear them out also.

rainbowbarfff · 2021-05-19T19:53:02+00:00

Well, to begin with there is a major difference between having insecurities and being insecure, and being able to give and receive emotional support has absolutely nothning to with either of the two. It's not that men are expected to be this rock of security 24/7, but as a whole, women act as emotional support for each other pretty consistently and it becomes frustrating when your romantic partner can't engage in that kind of bonding behavior with us. It is so second nature to us that women with little experience with men don't understand that men aren't as well-versed in this bonding behavior and we may interpret a guy's unwillingness to be vulnerable as macho insecurity.

Everyone has insecurities and areas of their lives or personal appearance that they're not confident of, but not everyone is insecure. Being an insecure person is when these insecurities take over your overall behavior and control your self-esteem.

I personally don't fuck with insecure people whatsoever - not as friends, not as sexual or romantic partners, not as coworkers. To start, they're annoying. I personally don't want to sit around and hang out with someone who shrinks into themselves or second guesses everything they do. All power to them, but there are enough people in the world who don't annoy me that I don't really have to suffer people with personal qualities I don't enjoy.

But, it has also been my experience that as a result of their general insecurity, they will do whatever it takes to give themselves a boost or make themselves feel good, and that usually includes screwing you over to some capacity.

They're the friend with low self-esteem that will sleep with a significant other.

They're the guy who falls into redpill ideology because he has trouble talking to women and adopts misogynist mindsets to cope.

They're that coworker you invested a lot of time and effort into so that they can be successful alongside you who submits your ideas to your boss as their own.

If she's calling you insecure, is she calling out your demeanor as a person or is she calling out a few things you've told her in confidence?

MilkchocolateHero · 2021-05-20T01:28:30+00:00

Some people just aren't very empathetic. Others have the issue of dumping their emotional baggage on the first person that shows them any sympathy.

Insecurity by itself is not necessarily unattractive. We all have our own insecurities to deal with. Insecurity in a person becomes unattractive when it becomes all consuming.

For example someone who is in constant need of attention. Their need for attention is valid, but it can be a bit much for people to deal with.

Copperstoner · 2021-05-21T23:50:13+00:00

Jokes on you: I already shot down women, who were too insecure.

I don’t want to be with someone, who thinks that other women are a threat for the relationship, just because I have a nice talk with them. I don’t want to think twice, if I can tell my gf that I had a nice talk with Becky at work. And I also don’t want to spend my time with someone who is constantly on the verge of a breakdown, because of some random minor stuff.

I know myself and I know that I can’t walk on eggshells all the day to avoid hurt feelings of the person I love. Especially if said person is hurt by minor things, because of some deep insecurity.

Conclusion: At least for me it’s a huge turn off, if a women always questions herself. Or if she thinks that she isn’t good enough etc.

Ottaro666 · 2021-06-04T20:07:33+00:00

I personally have a lot of insecurities and when just dating people (not for serious relationships), I wouldn’t want them to be insecure because I need a lot of reassurance, thus it is a big turn off. Like my FWB who sometimes gets nervous when asking me naughty stuff. If you’re gonna be naughty with me, be confident. It’s a huge turn off in such situations. But this is regarding sex.

When it comes to serious relationships that I actually want to commit to, surely I’d give my best emotional support to someone I love. I’d love them unconditionally. I wouldn’t care if they show weakness or are a rock, I’d love them either way.

Title	What makes insecurity a turn off
Author	Dododo0808
Upvotes	22
Comments	36
Date	May 19, 2021 5:00 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/nfwjsd/what_makes_insecurity_a_turn_off/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/what-makes-insecurity-a-turn-off.754372 https://theredarchive.com/post/754372

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