Living in the same house, living with crippling hope

SingleISuppose · 2020-03-10T14:42:35+00:00

Hey man, you're not alone. Welcome to the subreddit. Most of us had some low times.. get ready for some rambling....

I've found that exercise helps... I mean, it really really helps. Your (possibly ex) wife is still in the house with you? Awesome! Go to the gym and hit an elliptical for an hour while she sits on the couch after the kids are asleep. Do cardio for A FULL HOUR. If you're like me, you won't think you can do it. You'll sweat your ass off and 10 minutes in you'll be ready to quit. Don't. Just keep going. Watch a movie on your phone. Watch the TV at the gym. Watch the butt of the girl in front of you. Just don't stop. An hour will pass, you will get off the elliptical, your legs will feel like jelly... but you will feel different. You just accomplished something. It wasn't for anyone but you. This was for the new and improved version of you. This was day one. You're going to do this every chance you get. Pretty soon you'll start eating healthier. It sucks to ruin your workout by eating a candy bar afterwards. Eat a salad. Turns out salads are pretty good... and easy to make! Romaine lettuce, pepperoncinis and a red onion. Top with some lite Italian dressing. That was lunch! Still hungry? Make another one.

Holy shit, look at you! You're getting healthy! Turns out that healthy you feels pretty good. Better than you felt in that dead marriage. It's making sense now that your wife was messaging that other guy... maybe even cheating on you. You both were in a rut. Maybe you'll forgive her and let her go? Maybe she'll want to stay and you'll want her to. MAYBE you'll realize how much better off you are as a healthy single father who has his life together that you'll be ready to venture off into the world of dating. The point is, your path will be yours to choose.

Right now, you are comfortable. You got lazy. Your wife got bored... she doesn't even work! She sits at home all day hoping for excitement. She may have found it with somebody else... I know how much that hurts. You can't control her. She made her choice. All you can do is control what you do next. Get in control of your life, your health, your body.

You can and will get through this... and when you're ready to date again... there is a huge pool of single, attractive women looking for someone just like you. They were with shitty men, you were with a shitty woman, you've both been hurt and neither of you want that to happen again. Your second adventure is just beginning. Embrace it. Embrace the pain (you can still feel pain?!? Congrats! You're a human!). Embrace the freedom. Embrace being poor as fuck from the divorce. Just find yourself again. You won't be alone forever. You'll meet someone who takes you out of your comfort zone. You'll go to new restaurants. You'll try new experiences. Go to new vacation spots. Oh, and good news, she's a single mom and she's ready to hang with your kids too! Holy shit, look at you killing it with your new woman and your big happy family...

What I'm trying to say is that if you focus on you for a bit, your new life will unfold for you... but it all starts in here (I'm pointing at your head right now) and here (and now I'm pointing at your heart).

Sorry you're going through this... but you will come out the other side. You will. You are not alone. Welcome to the subreddit.

RX8JIM · 2020-03-10T14:21:49+00:00

I hate to say it but she is cheating. I've just gone through something similar. The constant yo-yoing of hope and despair will kill you. I'm at almost the same point as you are except I just confirmed the affair last night. She finally admitted it. Actually helps with some clarity of why this is happening. Still fucking hurts though.

turbor · 2020-03-10T15:20:14+00:00

I echo many of the comments here. I too, tried to salvage the marriage. She put me on my back right from the start with accusations of drug abuse and cheating. Her attorney demanded a hair follicle test, argued for full custody, only supervised visitation for me, etc. it was brutal. She accused me of having an affair.

I was in such a defensive position, right from the start that I didn’t really question her. I had been using a little cannabis on Saturday nights and had kept it hidden from her. I was also drinking more than was healthy, but not really problematic. I thought I somehow fucked up my marriage. Thought that the trust she lost over me hiding the cannabis use extended to her believing I had cheated on her as well. Never have I cheated in a relationship!

I thought she would rather leave me and be alone with our 2 young boys, than continue in a marriage with me. I got incredibly down on myself and depressed. Pleaded with her to stay. Lost the home that I’d built for my family, a big chunk of my 401k, and spent $20,000 on attorney fees to get joint custody. Also passed her stupid fucking hair follicle test, quit any cannabis use and tightened up the drinking to moderate levels.

About 2 weeks after the divorce finalized, I got a stack of claims in the mail from my health insurance company. They were claims for her emergency abortion (ectopic pregnancy) that she had undergone about 8 months previous, shortly after we had separated. It was not mine, I am positive of that. Timeline isn’t even close. She was the one cheating and hiding her affair. Her accusations against me were nothing more than projection of her own guilt. She had to make me out to be the bad guy so that her friends and social media presence would all support her in leaving me. Now, 6 months later, I assume she’s miraculously “found someone” and all of her friends are happy for her. Truth is, she’s probably been fucking him since before we split.

Lesson: DO NOT let her devalue you. She will rewrite the entire history of your marriage, bringing up old arguments, calling you abusive, insensitive, dishonest, anything she can do to justify what she’s doing.

It’s a shitty thing to go through, but go through it you must. Sorry. Keep your pride.

warrior_up · 2020-03-10T14:37:42+00:00

You want any chance you have to make her remember what she’s missing. Meaning stop any/all emotional demonstration of sadness or desperation or attempt to reconcile

Yes she’s most likely involved in an emotional affair getting the attention she needs to remain stoic. There no pulling her back, gaining the mindshare you once had - that belongs to new relationship feels, newness of another man.

Anyway fuck her, it was just your turn man. I was the same way - my ex is on her 2nd or 3rd boyfriend / pump and dump - yes like you I was a wreck but now it’s pure comedy and once confirmed you don’t have to worry about it anymore. But 99.99999% that’s the case unfortunately it’s devastating but how they justify their behavior and cope with their decision to break up their family because she was board being a stay at home mom and thinks of this as a new adventure. They, mine yours literally don’t care they can’t care - they make it look easy but then reality sets in couple years down the road

This relationship or whatever she’s in won’t last

What you need to focus on is your finances, get out of this situation the best you can, it’s business now and you have to save your self respect by making her nothing more than another one of your employeeS. You need to remind her that you’re also desired, authoritative and strong. You’re the one that will prosper, she will hit the wall and be another one of the single desperate moms trying to act as if life is so much better now - I can assure you not one (and there’s a lot out there) of the single moms that I have met were happy, you can see the desperation and regret in their eyes, because none of em would ever tell you the truth or that they royally fucked up the life’s of their families.....but it’s not until the husband shows them the door and let’s them go forever. The sooner you can teach your brain to accept a shitty situation the less hope you’ll have the sooner you’ll be laughing about the begging and pleading and know that you should have gave her what she wanted the moment she betrayed your family

Pheliont · 2020-03-10T15:09:52+00:00

Honestly she needs to leave. It isnt okay for your mental health for her to be there, it isnt okay that SHE wants to LEAVE YOU but says she doesn't have a job or money and can't leave. She is an adult, she needs to act like one.

warrior_up · 2020-03-10T15:00:36+00:00

listen to this man: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMNMyLm57VA

dday_throwaway3 · 2020-03-11T20:49:56+00:00

What are your goals?

Divorce is a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when you've been cheated on. You didn't ask for this, and you don't want it, yet you have no choice but to face it head on if you want to be more than an every-other-weekend father.

throwaway5477765688 · 2020-03-10T18:51:45+00:00

She cheated. Hire a lawyer and kick her ass to the curb.

Since she’s clearly dangerous, you MUST get a restraining order against her and have her removed from the house.

You’ll have to step up and deal with full custody of your kids, but let her call them on the phone once a week.

Title	Living in the same house, living with crippling hope
Author	throwaway5477765688
Upvotes	17
Comments	24
Date	March 10, 2020 2:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/fgebja/living_in_the_same_house_living_with_crippling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/living-in-the-same-house-living-with-crippling.818464 https://theredarchive.com/post/818464

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