How to find a boyfriend in college?

cleverley1986 · 2016-09-06T06:39:37+00:00

I'd ask yourself "what am I offering to the guy?" There's a lot in your post in terms of what you want but nothing in the way of what you have to offer. You don't want to go via bars or Tinder so you can get a guy that doesn't want to just hook up but then you DO want to continue seeing other men until you think he's a sure thing? Why on earth would a self respecting man be ok with that situation?

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2016-09-06T15:06:51+00:00

Try dating older. A lot of college guys are on their own for the first time and sampling women and figuring out their lives. My first LTR, in graduate school, was to a boy my year, we dated 2.5 years and even though he said he loved me and didn't want to let me go, he still had the urge to sample other women. I was 23, he was 25 at the time.

Not saying that there aren't guys who would find their future wife in college (my brother met his wife when they were both 18 and dated 10 years before getting married), but realize it's a small selection of men. Even my second LTR, a conservative engineer, had his first girlfriend (me) from 26-28 years old and still kept wondering about what else was out there.

That being said, you can still find a boyfriend as a companion. In addition to what the other ladies are saying, vet very carefully. Go on actual dates, do not sleep with anybody that you wouldn't consider to have potential to be your future husband in 5-10 years even if you're not seriously thinking about it now.

pcadrian · 2016-09-16T13:39:01+00:00

This is not a stupid question at all. Many young women struggle with this. First I want to clarify some things. I am assuming you want a desirable man, not just a Beta that will commit to you quickly because you want a relationship and are afraid to fight for the commitment of a high SMV man.

I'm so tired of becoming interested in a guy and going out with him, only to find out that he's not interested in a serious relationship and essentially just wants to hook up

You need to start looking at this as a GOOD thing! Because you are weeding out the bad guys, you are that much closer to finding the kind of man you want. Just be persistent. I used to feel "tired" of going on dates with women who bored me to death with their "hobbies" (clubbing, bars, partying - the typical stuff you see these days). But now I see it as a blessing, because based on experience a quality woman is just around the corner. The same goes for you. When you come across a guy who only wants to fuck, your attitude should be I have to weed out and get through the bad apples to get to the good apples.

he turned out to be seeing someone else and I was very hurt. I'm sure none of this is a new phenomenon

This is not a new phenomenon. It's just called Dating. I am single in the sense that I am not in a relationship, but I have 2 women in my life, and leave room for a 3rd for interviewing purposes, until I come across one that I see myself in a LTR with. Many "candidates" took themselves out of the game because they were uncomfortable with this truth, and they had no idea that I saw true potential in them and actually liked them. But they weren't willing to put in the effort to get the commitment (which really is a sign that weren't confident in their ability to get/keep my commitment long-term), so they basically weeded themselves out of a relationship!

You have to accept that when you come across a desirable man, he is going to have numerous options. He knows he cannot invest in a single woman, because women change their mind (and their persona!) all the time. It takes well over a month to get to really know someone, to see if they are loyal, if they value commitment, basically to see if they are who they say they are in the early stages of courtship. So a man looking for a relationship is going to be very careful and paying attention to a lot of things before offering his commitment to just one.

plenty of women in college are in serious relationships

Doesn't mean they are in happy relationships with the kind of man they truly want. I've recently started dating a 25 year old who basically left her 7 year boyfriend after she met me, and is in fucking awe at how this feels. She told me today sooo what is wrong with you?!? there must be something wrong with you! tell meee!!!! She never felt this way before for anyone, not even her 7 year relationship. We had many conversations about how she felt like she was just following a script before. My point is, don't get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, or because you see other people. Years ago, back in my Beta days, I'd see couples hold hands and get sad because I wanted that too. And then I'd give my commitment too easily to women who really didn't deserve it. I became very unhappy because of this.

how do I find someone who's actually interested in an actual relationship

It's a numbers game. Do the things we teach here to be approachable. And VET VET VET. Don't be ashamed of your goals, if you want a family and kids and a relationship say so! Bring it up in conversation ON YOUR FIRST DATE. A guy who only wants sex is going to be very uncomfortable with this topic. A guy who is open to entering a relationship is going to react very differently: he will gladly go deeper into the subject, talk about his own long-term goals when it comes to dating, etc. Don't be afraid to ask a guy about what his goals are in dating. Be ruthless with this.

Is it correct to assume that if he doesn't mind me wanting to wait to have sex and initiates dates during the daytime and not just things like going to a bar or "watching Netflix" at his house, etc., that he's likely not just interested in a hookup?

While at RPW we teach this, it is really an incorrect assumption. Here's why: a highly desirable man knows he is a commodity on the dating market. So he naturally wants a high quality woman and a satisfying relationship. Sex is a big part of it. There is nothing wrong with dates at night time, and a confident man will do just that. I often have low pressure day time first dates, but by the second/third date I push the envelope for cooking together. I want to see if the woman is able to follow and trust my lead. It also helps me gauge her interest level. Now you don't have to have sex - I certainly will respect you more if you manage to resist my charm. But making out is a must, because I am trying to gauge our sexual compatibility. By making a date at my/her place which can involve cooking or Netflix or playing music together, I find out so much about a woman! If she says no, she is automatically disqualified because either she is unable to trust (indicative of bad past or general distrust in men - I RUN AWAY from these!!!), not submissive, too structured (has some sort of rules, which make it no fun for me), etc. Basically she is lacking the qualities I look for most in a woman.

is it true that any man will commit given the right circumstances?

Absolutely false. There are guys who will string along women without the intent to commit to them. The two women in my life right now don't stand a chance. One of them drinks/smokes too much by my standards (and is older than me) which is a dealbreaker, but is pleasant enough to spend time with her once in a while. The other one.... I was able to seduce her before she left her boyfriend (so loyalty doesn't mean anything to her), has too many guy friends, doesn't know what she wants (so if I invest in her she might wake up one day wanting to work on her career instead of a family!!!), but she's extremely pleasant/feminine/killer body, so I'm happy to give her some of my time. I always leave a day or two a week for new women I'm meeting, maybe I come across a good LTR-type woman, maybe I don't, I'm a happy camper either way :)

if we go on dates and things go well, at what point should they start to progress?

Progress to what? Sex? All depends on your comfort level, guy's skill level, and your self-confidence in the ability to keep him around long-term (given he's already looking for a relationship). In the search bar, type "The Final Exam" and read /u/Whisper's post on this. It stirred up a lot of controversy at RPW, but really it is the most realistic post I've seen. I couldn't explain it better if I tried.

Should I initiate the "define the relationship" talk or is that a buzzkill?

Yes, given enough time has passed. Depends on the relationship really. But yes, it is a woman's job to connect/bond/relationship talk etc.

If he wanted me to be his girlfriend, would that be something he'd initiate on his own?

If he does this, beware! Especially if he does it too soon. He might be needy/Beta. Source: my former needy beta self did this in a past life :)

Should I still be dating other people and assuming that he's doing the same?

You can assume he's doing the same, but if you are dating other people, then tell him you want to be with him, what's he going to make of that? He will look at your actions, see this as a lack of loyalty, or that you don't believe you can get him, so you are "keeping your options open." If he's anything like me, you just disqualified yourself by dating other guys even if you aren't exclusive. My response would be something like well you're seeing other guys at the same time you're seeing me, not really what I'm looking for in a long-term partner, but I think what we have right now is great, why do we need to put labels? It's too soon for that. We are both having a good time, let's take it one day at a time. BOOM I just managed to string you along. What's your next move? You're invested now, and I've defused your sense of urgency. You might drop the other guys to prove me you really want me, and I might change my mind, but I might also not change my mind. Maybe before you do drop your other orbiters, I meet a virgin who cooks/cleans/does my laundry. What's your next move now?

I know.... it's unfair, but high value fellas are really impossible and picky bastards :) We make it hard. This is why I highly recommend you focus on one guy at a time. If he weeds himself out by thinking with his dick, move on to the next guy. This will happen very early on with most guys you meet, so you're not really wasting time. It's better than shooting yourself in the foot with the hypothetical scenario I describe above.

Not sleeping with them, just going on dates

Well that's the thing. You're no longer a virgin. I have no way of knowing who you're fucking, and I never take words at face value. To YOU that might be true, but how are you going to convince me of that? I've seen it all... I've seen women text their boyfriends while in bed with me, I've seen women tell me about other guys who are buying them things and taking them to dinner, but they'll never sleep with them because they're not like me. And we'd both laugh about it. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by being a flaya (female playa). It will make a guy like me run away from commitment with you like the road runner.

I also don't want to be strung along for ages

I have a solution to this but I've said it before and RPW exploded so I'm not going to write it. But I'm happy to offer advice over PM on how to avoid this.

loneliness-inc · 2016-09-06T14:27:19+00:00

The purpose of dating is to determine whether you want to establish something with this person or not. By definition, not everyone will score a home run on the first try. Some will have to date several people before they find the right one. It's an unavoidable part of the process and it will involve going on dates with people who won't be right for you. There's no other way to find out (unless you want an arranged marriage).

Any insight would be helpful!

I'll offer some.

Have a clear vision of what you want your marriage to look like. What do you expect from him and what do you offer in return. On what are you flexible and on what are you not. Etc.
Become the wife you want to be, now.
Don't date more than one person at a time. I'll explain below.
Don't do anything sexual until way after the relationship is well established and committed.
Find out what he's looking for. Does it match with your ideas? You can find out some important things fairly quickly.

Here's why I say to never date more than one person at a time. You shouldn't be one of multiple people he's dating either. To me, this is an automatic deal breaker. Here's why.

It's dishonest.
If you're right for me, I'll marry you. It doesn't matter what else is out there.
If I'm just the best of the 5 current choices, what will happen when a sixth, more appealing choice shows up? Classical branch swinging? Even if you don't follow through with the branch swing, I'd never marry someone with a mindset that makes this more likely.

QueenBee126 · 2016-09-06T14:48:10+00:00

I have no problem finding guys I'm interested in. But my question is, how do I find someone who's actually interested in an actual relationship?

You might need to broaden who you are interested in, as your "type" isn't interested in a relationship right now. Get new hobbies, try new things and meet new people.

Also, search this and any related topics to finding a boyfriend in the side bar. Your question has been asked in an infinite amount of ways time and time over, and you will have access to hundreds of answers with great advice.

And if we go on dates and things go well, at what point should they start to progress?

Every relationship is different.

Should I initiate the "define the relationship" talk or is that a buzzkill? If he wanted me to be his girlfriend, would that be something he'd initiate on his own? Should I still be dating other people and assuming that he's doing the same? If not, at what point do I stop seeing other guys? (Not sleeping with them, just going on dates)

Don't hamster about relationship scenarios that haven't happen. You are leading a prospective relationship from behind. Slow down and BREATHE. You don't need to answer all these questions because when you find the right guy, he will answer them for you. Let him LEAD!

I don't want to give any ultimatums or demand exclusivity, but I also don't want to be strung along for ages and get hurt, although I know that there is sort of an unavoidable risk and vulnerability in dating.

There is, and that is the beauty. You can show your vulnerability without being clingy. Just tell him how you feel. If he is a good guy, he will respect your feelings and not strong you along if he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere.

And before you ask LOL, you will know if he is a good guy with proper VETTING. (Search posts on this.)

happilymarried30yrs · 2016-09-09T14:28:43+00:00

It takes a long time for a man to become the best version of himself. Most of these future great men are dorks, introspective, quiet type who don't interact with women much - because they're in monk mode becoming the future leaders of the country.

If the guys you're seeking are already being sought by everyone else, maybe widen your search a bit and try to see a little 'future potential' instead of 'current attractiveness'.

I rarely go on facebook, but when I do, I see those guys who were the biggest nerds, who girls would go "eww" who now make $200k per year with rock hard mountain climber bodies. Diamonds in the rough. The guys who got lots of girls in high school & college get cocky, don't work as hard on their careers (because why should they? They got all the pussy they want without hard work!) and now have a data entry job with a massive beer gut posting only about local sports teams and going out drinking with the boys...

glawkneintehn · 2016-09-06T10:39:21+00:00

Not every man will commit given the right circumstances. What you're talking about is poking holes in condoms lol.

c_a_l_m · 2016-09-06T12:39:58+00:00

A couple things at the outset:

Or is it true that any man will commit given the right circumstances?

No, so don't beat yourself up over this.

It's discouraging and part of me has thought that maybe I'm asking for too much, or maybe it's not possible, but I know it is, of course, because plenty of women in college are in serious relationships.

I know it's trite, but: remember that not all relationships are good. Some girls (and guys) you know will be in a relationship just to be in a relationship; others will be having a good but ultimately temporary experience when they break up in a few years.

I think you should take some time and think seriously about what you want.

Now I will break rhetorical rank and tell you what I think you should want, ha. Hopefully it will be helpful; you can take it or leave it.

In my view, "serious relationship" is something of an oxymoron. What exactly is there to be serious about? Netflix and sex after one or two or ten months of cute milkshakes at cute diners is still...Netflix and sex.

Not that sex isn't serious. But it can certainly be meaningless, if treated as such.

If you're looking for a guy w/whom you can build a life over the long term, realize that now, and act like it. It may seem like an outlandish idea that you could do that right now, because you probably know few people who are doing it. But you're an adult now, so you're allowed to buck the trends.

If you are looking for a long-term (where "long-term" means fifty years, not five) dude, then it will help your cause considerably to look for men also looking for someone long term, rather than trying to change a chad.

While you're looking, I'll suggest a few things:

don't sleep with anyone. It's just not to your advantage, and it screws with your emotions.
DO be clear about what you are looking for. You are presumably not looking to get free dinners from a beta for five years and never have sex. So often RPW advice is presented as "don't sleep w/him until..." The way you should be thinking about it is, "in the future, after ___, let's fuck each others' brains out as we (life plan)". If you don't see a remote possibility of that happening---either because you're not attracted to him, or because you have different goals---then do your best to break things off quickly and kindly.
frankly---you probably want to avoid making out w/dudes as well. I mean...if you're kissing right, you're gonna want to have sex with him (and vice versa). If you enjoy being sexually frustrated and being called a tease, then go to town.
Be willing to date a lot of men, concurrently. You have high standards, for which you shouldn't apologize---but you should realize that you're looking for something rare, and be willing to put commensurate effort into your search.
Corollary #1: be willing to go on dates with men who are themselves going on a lot of dates
Corollary #2: be willing to go on cheap dates.
Don't worry about driving away the right guy by dating a lot of men, assuming you're not having sex with them or even making out with them.
Everything RPW says about being pleasant, etc. Without immediate sex on the table, what do you offer? The bar here is not superhumanly high, but it's important to clear it. Make an effort to be the kindest and calmest version of you, and you should be fine.

SandtheB · 2016-09-06T13:17:19+00:00

Here are some books I suggest.

https://www.amazon.com/Get-Guy-Learn-Secrets-Deserve/dp/0062241753/

https://www.amazon.com/Its-Your-Move-Play-Game-ebook/dp/B007ZFPIFK

They are both great!

okiedokie321 · 2016-09-09T07:14:25+00:00

Make 'RPW and the men who love them' Meetup group or dating app.

sunkindonut149 · 2016-09-12T19:06:19+00:00

Do not have sex with him until you are going steady.

Title	How to find a boyfriend in college?
Author	dasistmeinthrowaway
Upvotes	13
Comments	47
Date	September 6, 2016 3:34 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/51db56/how_to_find_a_boyfriend_in_college/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-find-a-boyfriend-in-college.86455 https://theredarchive.com/post/86455

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