I recently found out through DNA testing that my dad is not my biological father. I need advice and don't know where else to turn to.

TibsKirk · 2017-09-04T03:25:39+00:00

Please consider telling the man who raised you how special he is. He may feel hurt by your search to find your "real dad." He was your real dad in all but genetics, unless he wasn't there at all like the biological father.

Also, consider that the biological father may have been just as betrayed by your mother as your acting father. He may have no idea that you exist, so barging into his world might take some very slight and considerate easing into it.

Putting all that aside, I'm not totally sure that I understand the desire to know him and your siblings. You have DNA in common, but I don't really know how much that matters in the grand scheme of your life, who you are, or even who your real family is, depending on who counts as real. Good luck. I hope it turns out well.

SazedHarmony · 2017-09-04T02:01:36+00:00

One way might be a genetic testing service like 23andMe or AncestryDNA, but it's a longer, complicated route that may not get you to him. You would be able to find out your genetic ancestry and potentially some close cousins. Since you know his last name, you could find cousins with his last name and might be able to find him through them. Best of luck to you!

Collective82 · 2017-09-04T03:46:46+00:00

Don't worry about it. It's about who raised you. Even though my dad and I had a falling out a handful of years ago he's still my dad even though my biological father and I have a lot more in common besides looks.

I knew my whole life that the man I call dad wasn't my biological father, but he raised me as his own.

Don't worry about this other guy unless you want medical history stuff, your dad is your dad and this other guy will offer you nothing.

MagicTampon · 2017-09-04T05:09:37+00:00

Sorry this had to happen to you.

I feel even worse fir the man who you thought was your dad.

Probably your best bet, is to find out more stuff from your mother. Things like, what kind of job your father had, his exact age, where he went to school, where he was born.

There are some sites that list people with common names according to age and prior addresses. eg:

https://www.peoplefinders.com/peoplesearch/searchresults?Criteria.search=People&Criteria.fn=jon&Criteria.mn=&Criteria.ln=snow&Criteria.city=&Criteria.state=

A private investigator may have more leads / capabilities.

fengpi · 2017-09-04T01:49:10+00:00

Um, I assume you don't know the geographical area he's in, so checking a phone book is out. If the fellow went to a college, you might try to send a message to the college's alumni association for them to pass-on but there's no guarantee that they'll do it or even that he's on their list.

sample_size_of_on1 · 2017-09-04T10:55:27+00:00

Be very careful with this.

Have a good sit down with yourself. Imagine this meeting going fantastically bad and ask yourself the hard question, 'Can I deal with that?'.

What you find is the very definition of random. Someone walking up to you 20 years later and being like, 'Oh, I am the kid you didn't know about.' is one hell of a mindfuck.

I am not saying you shouldn't do this.... I am saying that what you want and what you get may be two entirely different things.

lily-mae · 2017-09-04T03:03:11+00:00

I hope it all goes well for you, OP.

Just a suggestion.. and maybe a good icebreaker.. is to ask about any family health issues on his side.

I feel bad for you.. and your poor dad. Let him know he's still your dad, hey.

PietroGori · 2017-09-04T14:33:41+00:00

Go nc with your mother

Halafax · 2017-09-04T18:16:48+00:00

It's a weird answer, but a private detective could probably track down a common name more easily than going through "normal" channels.

CuckKnight · 2017-09-04T03:10:51+00:00

I hope your female gamete donor compensates your dad for taking care of you all these years. Disgusting what she did to you and your dad.

Comments