I don't think things will ever be okay with my ex-wife and I. She is not a good person in my opinion and is only going to create more chaos but there's nothing I can do about that. And my son loves her very much and I would never deny her her time. So despite how hard it has been I've always gone out of my way to make sure he sees his mom and we've hugged together when he's asked. I do this all for him.

His birthday is coming up so I said to his mom, as he asks a lot of questions about us and our relationship, that we do a small birthday dinner for him with just his mommy and daddy. We can't bring the families together due to bad blood, but she and I tolerate each other as we've had to and we've found a good rhythm. She really liked the idea and so yeah we're going to do that. I'll just get drunk and rage online here after he goes back with her. My son knows we aren't together and we don't live together, he asks me about it because he notices his friends have parents who live together, but I think he deserves to have one day where he is just with his dad and mom doing whatever he wants to do.

Not sure why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to get this out and this subreddit has been the best outlet I've had besides my family listening to me rant and rage since they already hate her for not going to my mother's funeral (this was before the talk of divorce). I hate her so much but my hate for her is dwarfed but my love for him dwarfs that hate by magnitudes.

I guess what I can say is that those of you who have very conflicting feelings about your ex while trying not to make things toxic for your kids, I see you. I'm in the trenches with you. I don't have any advice or suggestions as every situation is different, every man's thoughts and feelings are different, I just want you to know you're not alone in trying to figure this out day by day and feeling like you have no idea what you're doing or second guessing yourselves. If there isn't public crying/screaming or parental alienation happening, you're doing better than how you feel right now. This isn't meant to make you feel better. I don't feel better. It's just a fact that if your kids are doing okay, then you're doing okay, despite everything else.