Hey there, I'm new to Reddit and this is my first time posting anything like this. It feels really awkward but I'm not sure what else to do.

To start, my ex wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 3. We have 2 kids under 10. Shes been in school for 4+ years and I've been the primary income etc. so a couple months ago, she finally finished school, and the day after, told me she wanted to separate. It hurt, I felt used and blindsided. After the initial shock, I told her she can stay here til we find her a place, figuring out co-parenting and try to get through this as peacefully as possible. Since then, she has been working, making a ton of money, going out partying, getting tattooed, etc. Not saving money for a place. We ended up sleeping together a bunch, and talks of having another kid came up, and the I love yous started. Then I found out she was talking to other men as well. I'm completely devastated. I feel disgusting about myself and feel like I was never enough. How could my best friend, betray me like this? Especially after trying to hard to keep the peace. I have been seeing a therapist and a social worker, and I ended up in the hospital because I reached a point where I had a plan to kill myself. I've been off work and on antidepressants to try and get my life back on track. She is staying at her parents, but I primarily have the kids because they can't stay the night there. So she is here every day, and it's a constant reminder that the life we were building came crashing down. I'm flooded with all of our best memories nonstop all day every day. She was the only one I could ever talk to about my feelings, and every time I've tried she basically just rubs salt in the wound and laughs in my face about it. now I've lost my best friend. The only person I've ever fully trusted. I'm absolutely traumatized by this entire experience, and to be honest, the only thing keeping me alive is the kids, and my fear of failing to kill myself. I've secluded myself from pretty much everyone before this because I just wanted to focus on working and spending time with my family. Now I'm basically completely alone. I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm devastated and I don't know if I can keep pushing on. No one I know has been through anything like this so I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep it together.

I'm really going through it right now.