Is it realistic to do it without a laywer?

Reasonable-Glass-965 · 2026-02-08T15:33:27+00:00

I used a moderator. It was cheap. But god. The dumb shit that’s in the default documents. From tiny holidays that you need to swap making it not actually 50/50 most years.

Also have it in writing how you will celebrate holidays. Very important if they are important to you. You won’t even think of the issue till it’s too late.

TheConjugalVisit · 2026-02-08T15:22:01+00:00

I thought the same but they tend do go underground to get your cash. So yes, lawyer up.

Final_Minimum1443 · 2026-02-06T21:30:09+00:00

I have zero savings. Unless my ex has hidden funds elsewhere assume in the same boat. I did lawyer up in the beginning but cost $4,000 to just draw up a seperation agreement and for it to be rejected by my ex. At the moment no lawyer and in limbo stage, guess would call it.

We have no assets together. Only thing we have to hammer out is custody. Hopefully can do this without attorneys involved.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-02-06T16:47:04+00:00

I’m almost two months in. Started with a framework you’re leaning towards. Here is what has worked and what has not:

Worked:

Couples therapy with a focus on decoupling: This was a safe and structured place to talk about goals, next steps, etc. It allowed me to feel like incremental movement was OK because when things were too tense to discuss during the week, I could note them down and save them for the sessions. This was the ONLY place where I could get some transparency on what she intended. Sadly, she chose to discontinue.

Hiring a lawyer on non-contested, consultation based retainer: if I have questions, I have a reliable source of answers. If we move forward to mediation, I have an expert to help me plan and to review any agreement before I sign off. If things escalate, I’m not set into panic…I know exactly who to call.

Creating an outcomes/leverages document: I have a huge table detailing every single domain that needs to be addressed in our dissolution agreement. I have a clear written description of MY ideal, acceptable, and unacceptable outcome for each domain. I know exactly what I want, will accept, and won’t agree to regarding division of finances and the parenting plan. When I’m stressed or spiraling I fine tune or add things I’ve missed to this document. Working on the document is taking risk free action. It will be useful in mediation OR communicating with my lawyer.

Hasn’t worked:

In depth conversations outside of a structured place: I’ve walked on eggshells our entire marriage. That’s certainly not changing in discussions about divorce. Unstructured Conversations are seeds for active or passive conflict. It’s where she gets ideas on how you’re looking to “fuck her over” come from, and vice versa. Don’t do it.

Not setting actionable goals/timeframes: Don’t get stuck in “we are going to divorce” limbo. You’ll be living as if married but not married, and as long as either partner has something to lose from divorce they have reason enough to keep it that way. If you agree on mediation first, create and share a document on criteria and time tables to contact potential mediators. If you find one that you agree on, set a date in that document regarding by when they’ll be contacted and what date they’ll be hired. Don’t do this in verbal conversations, you both need the motivation of evidence should things stall.

Giving her legal advice: I made this mistake early on. I shared insight on the risk of jumping in with lawyers, why mediation is better, ideas on how we could work things to walk away without having wasted thousands and destroyed amicability. This was all disadvantageous. She didn’t trust me, felt I was trying to play her, and regarded genuine goodwill as “carrot on a string” tactics. For example I mentioned separation vs. divorce so that she could stay on my insurance and that it would require a child centered, amicable dissolution for me to feel comfortable with that. The next day I heard her on the phone saying I was “dangling health insurance over her head to get what I want”. Again, don’t do it. You two are no longer partners or friends. You can’t be until the final agreement states the terms of your new partnership.

Don’t put peace on a pedestal: Early on both people have relief that the marriage is finally ending. It’s easy to find peace when each person is finally able to consider the fantasies of their next chapter. Before long, the absolute mountain of obstacles in front of that chapter becomes visible. Focus on YOUR peace, not hers or yours as a couple. It’s the only way motion continues.

Good luck!

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-02-06T16:38:33+00:00

Yes you absolutely can do it yourselves for a couple hundred bucks.

My ex and I did just that. Cost $300 to file, and was done in 2 weeks. Didn't even have to show up to court. Super easy.....I'd put it on par with doing your own taxes as far as complexity goes which is to say it is super simple but the industry makes it look and feel complex to get you to hire a professional to milk you out of big $$$.

My advice for the house is to sell it and move on with you lives. You don't want to be living in that place full of those memories. Do not even think about keeping it together, break all ties and move on to your new life as quickly as possible. This is a tearing off the band aid moment.

As for custody just go for the standard week on/week off. You will never end up following that but it is good to have in writing in case one or both of you go off the rails. Holidays split the days in half. She gets mothers day, you get fathers day. In reality you will tweak the schedule many times outside of court as you figure out what your kids need as they grow older. As long as you are amicable and flexible with your co-parent this won't be an issue. The less the govt is involved in your private life and how you two parent the better, nobody knows you family as well as you two do. By the time your kiddos are 14/15 they will be choosing where they stay.

Go down to your county court and ask for the forms to fill out. If you have any questions the county clerk will guide you through the entire process for free. Get together with your STBX and fill them out. It will take about 2-3 hours to complete. Take the forms back to the county court house, pay $200-$200 depending on the state, and in 2 weeks you will receive a letter in the mail telling you that you are no longer married. Mind blowing how easy and quick it is to undo a life built together....be prepared for that to hit you like a ton of bricks.

mesi130 · 2026-02-06T09:06:11+00:00

Get a mediator it’s much cheaper. Put everything in writing especially with a child involved. Idc how well you guys get along. When money is involved and people start dating the claws come out. Put down exact custody time holidays? Birthdays, and who transports child. Then less arguing is involved

pk2at · 2026-02-06T04:02:11+00:00

Depending on the state, you can file jointly and not have to go to court

No-Tomorrow8150 · 2026-02-06T04:00:32+00:00

You can and should do it that way. There is something called a collaborative divorce. If you can go that route I would recommend it. Most become vindictive and waste a bunch of assets arguing about 50/50 or 45/55. Or a schedule. If you can both avoid that, you will be better off financially and be better cooperative parenting.

WhydIJoinRedditAgain · 2026-02-06T03:37:04+00:00

I’d have a consult with one and not agree to anything until you come to a final agreement that you think is actually fair.

If you can do that without a lawyer, that’s great. My hat is off to you. If you get to the final “agreement” and think you’re getting royally fucked, you’ve got that lawyer’s number.

Title	Is it realistic to do it without a laywer?
Author	BloodstainedBearRug
Upvotes	1
Comments	10
Date	February 6, 2026 3:20 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qx6hpe/is_it_realistic_to_do_it_without_a_laywer/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-it-realistic-to-do-it-without-a-laywer.1572838 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572838

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