I’ve seen a couple of posts here from guys accepting 100% of the blame for the failure of their marriage. While I think it’s good to reflect AB’s take accountability, a marriage takes two.

I’m going through a divorce now. My wife told me in March she wanted one, then she backed down and we tried to work it out while both in individual therapy. Then in May she told me she wants the divorce and it’s a final decision.

She feels like she’s dragging me and the kids around in a tarp is how she put it. That seems a common complaint from women divorcing their husbands: they were handling all the load while the husband went to work then got home and played on his phone all night.

Well fuck that.

My wife is a stay at home mom, and she barely cleaned. The kids’ bathroom is often disgusting and our room is junked up with a bunch of her stuff (art supplies, for example). She cooks maybe once or twice a week, we order out most nights. And if it needs to be picked up, I pick it up. I do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I take care of our four dogs (we’re both dog lovers but I’d have stopped at three). I mow the lawn. I work from home and reworked my work schedule so I’d be free to pick up the kids from school so she could start a dog walking business.

In addition! She flips out any time we have to leave the house for a potluck, kid’s birthday party, holiday gathering, etc. So every weekend. She gets stressed over something and starts yelling and cursing. Suddenly the way I’m packing for the potluck is entirely wrong and she’ll just do it herself.

I learned over the years to keep my mouth shut and do as I’m told, but now she wants a more “stern” man, somebody who can tell her “no.” Sorry I like to see my wife happy, so I agree to a fourth dog?

I could be neglectful and passive aggressive, sure. Because I couldn’t communicate my feelings without being told how wrong I was! She told me I didn’t communicate. Well sure, when you’re flat out told not to, you stop doing it. “Just say sorry right away,” how many of you have heard that one? Apologize before you can process the situation or your emotions. Accept fault without thinking it through. That’s what I was trained to do.

I didn’t even realize I wasn’t happy until she said she wanted a divorce. It still hurts like hell, because I love her more than anything, and she says I failed her. It hurts to feel like you failed the person you love more than your own life. And I did. I failed her. She told me to go to counseling years ago and I didn’t, and that’s on me. Because if I did…

…then I’d have had the freaking balls to stand up to her years ago and tell her NO, IT’S NOT ALL MY FAULT. I would have realized then the controlling behavior: checking in with me when I’m out having fun, then saying I’m needy when I want to share in her new interest. I would have realized how much I’d lost myself in the relationship. I couldn’t enjoy anything on my own because I never knew what might make her mad or what she might need. And I loved spending time with her, so I learned to just do everything with her. Then she got sick of that but instead of sitting me down so we could discuss what personal time should look like so we both have our own healthy identities, she just decided she’s “moving forward with or without me.”

So no, I don’t accept full blame. She tried, in her way, to help the marriage. She did weekly sexual favors because I said I wanted more sex. But as the months went on, it was obviously a chore for her, so I lost interest. I told her “I want your body, I want YOU.” Then in the end she complains about a lack of passion. That’s what I was trying to ask for too though. We wanted the same thing, we just didn’t realize it because our communication was so broken.

She’s my best friend. She knows me better than anybody else on earth. I miss rubbing her feet. I miss being able to smack her butt when she walks by. I miss hanging out with her more because she’d make me laugh and I loved making her laugh. I miss seeing love in her eyes.

But we’re not healthy for one another, and I won’t accept 100% of the blame for that. After 15 years together, we’re both just tired. I guess that’s what they call growing apart. I still feel like I’m losing a limb.