Me 43, her 39. We have two young kids, ages 4 and 2 (will be 5 and 3 next month). We were married at the beginning of January 2019, with separation occurring in early June of 2023. Mediation took place this past Monday on 6/24.

Not feeing horrible about the deal that got done, but not feeling great about it. I'd say I'm at about a 6-7 out of a possible 10 but want to get some honest input here. Here are the main topics we agreed to:

1). Parenting Plan.

I had been getting 10 overnights per month (I started with this per temporary orders late last summer). Due to some separation anxiety that my oldest experiences when I pick him up from his mothers, her side contended that the parenting plan "isn't working" and wanted me to get just EOW for only 4 overnights per month. I laughed and said not a chance. I reluctantly agreed to reduce it to 8 overnights per month just until my youngest starts Kindergarten (which will be in 2 years). It then will increase to 10 overnights per month again.

I really did not want to go backwards here, but the reality that I would have been faced with in trial would have been just me (as I have ZERO family help when I have my kids) against her entire family and lots of witnesses saying how difficult it is in getting my oldest to come with when I pick up my boys. When with their mom, they are in a house that they rent for cheap from my ex's parents (who happen to live right next door). So there is a huge yard, lots of outdoor activities and toys, etc not to mention all the cousins/uncles/family that all live less than 20 minutes away that the kids see all the time. When they are with me, I'm in an apartment and it is just me so I am limited in the things I can do with them. I try not to take it personally, but it is a struggle and it gets to me sometimes and makes me feel horrible if I let it. Once they get to my place, they have fun and we have a great time but at times the transition from her place to mine is very difficult.

2). Profits from the sale of our homes.

We each owned our homes when we first got together, but eventually both sold them, which worked out to about $110k profit for her and I made about $305k profit. We comingled all of those funds into a joint account and added about $70k over time on top of that, as this was going to be the big down payment for our house. When separation started, I split the money 50/50 (dumb mistake, I know), but I did an in-home separation and lived downstairs in the rental house for a few months, until the court ordered me to vacate when temporary orders were issued.

Had I taken all of my profit, it would have made things even more difficult than they already were. But still, this is what I should have done. This would have worked out to me taking out $340k and leaving her the rest vs the $242k that I got when I split it 50/50. My lawyer said that since she already has half of the house profits in her own account, and this has been the case for close to a year, that it would be much easier to make the argument that she gets very little of my 401k, if anything, and keep the house profits as is at 50/50.

3). 401k and Child Support.

401k current value is around $830k, which I opened way back in 2003. Value at separation was around $600k. At the time of marriage, the value was around $300k, so the community portion of my 401k was around $300k, so in theory by the book she would have been entitled to around $150k, and that is just using the value at separation, not at the current value that likely would have been used at trial.

I told my lawyer it is pretty messed up that the court could use the current value instead of the value at separation, but he said he has seen this happen in over half of the trials that he's been involved with. Our trial wouldn't have been until late October, so there's a chance my 401k would have been valued at over $900k by then, much higher than the separation value.

During mediation, my lawyer told me that if it goes to trial, I'd have to give her something out of it, that there would be no way around that. At mediation, she asked for $155k which I quickly rejected. I offered $50k, and they countered with $75k, and we settled on $60k with the caveat that my total child support would be reduced from $1200/month to $1k per month. Her side agreed on this. I feel ok about this one, as my lawyer told me that there would have been very little chance that I got any deviation in child support at all if it went to trial.

4). Finalization.

One thing she requested close to the end of mediation was that we postpone filing the signed mediation docs until late October so she can remain on my health insurance until then (she has a good job, but it is for a small company (she's a dental hygienist) so she doesn't really get insurance included thru her employer - she can get it, but it is pretty shitty and she'd have to pay like $400/month out of pocket. I agreed to this, but only if she reduces the child care costs from 60/40 to 55/45, in the event that we need to get child care from someone other than my ex's mother. (currently her mom watches our kids Tuesday thru Thursday for $500 per month...of which I pay 60%, $300 and she pays 40% ($200). This is a screaming deal and it is saving us a fortune, but eventually (possibly once my youngest is in Kindergarten) her mom will stop watching them and we'll need to find other arrangements.

I do wish I would have pushed back harder on her request her of delaying the finalization until October (going back to my original offer of $50k from my 401k instead of the $60k we agreed to, something like that).

My main regret is offering a full 50/50 split of our house profits right out of the gate. I purchased my condo in 2009, and didn't even meet my ex until 2016, so there was quite a bit of growth that took place before she was even in the picture (even more when you factor in that we didn't marry until 2019). Looking back I should have asked for an extra $50k, and have $25k be line in the sand that I wouldn't go lower than. But I feel like giving up relatively little from my 401k was a nice win, as was saving $200 per month in child support.

Thanks for reading, I know it was a lot.

Let me know what you think! Thank you.