Newly separated

bryzdogg · 2020-01-11T13:51:49+00:00

I’m gonna give you some fucking insane advice.

You’re the shit right? You’re not a beta cuck boy. Fuck her man she’s gone. This is what your gonna do.

Buy a guitar and practice all the fucking time. DM me if you need help choosing one. I’m a professional guitarist.

I don’t care how old you are or whatever. You’re starting playing guitar (unless you already do) and gonna start a rock band in like two years. Now is the time to practice and take this angst and write music.

You’re also going to keep your mind open to meeting someone new. You’re the type of guy to move on, not sit and worry about if she’s sucking this fuck off. Fuck them both. Time to become better and stronger.

dustinsteeth · 2020-01-11T11:21:38+00:00

Yeah I’ve had this. It’s not a nice thought. But she may be thinking the same about you.

I tried to reduce any contact with my ex and focused on myself and, with time, those thoughts become less and less.

Feel free to PM if you want a chat.

Brokenbyher2019 · 2020-01-11T14:51:45+00:00

Not much more to say that others haven't already. It's normal, your mind, habits and bonding are still connected to her. Biologically we have to bond with our sex partner and be proud that this proof you did, so the feelings you have weren't false. It will take time to recondition yourself to not have that partner. Logically you know it's over, but emotionally your mind and body haven't caught up to that... that's totally normal.

This may also help, cheaters and those who never bonded with their sex partners have it easier to move on and not be burdened by feelings such as your experiencing. Easy for them, sucks for us. Do you have it worse than her, yeah probably, but this pain is forcing you to look at yourself in a healthy light, while she is off cocking and doing very little introspection and probably not healing and very likely making the same mistakes in relationships.

One day it will stop, but take this time to reflect and fix you. No one is perfect, honestly face your mistakes and shortcomings... you'll likely find someone else in the future and you won't have the same amount of time or ambition to do you like you are right now.

CarGuyM1985 · 2020-01-11T14:57:09+00:00

I would think more broadly about her replacing me, but you also can’t romanticize the past, sometimes I found myself generating happier thoughts than we really had.

Everyone thinks about this stuff while going through the shit.

I’ve been in therapy for 7months now and highly recommend going.

Every time you think about something like that, first ask yourself if you’ve thought of it before, if no, ask yourself why it hurts, process it, so any grieving you need to over the thought, make sure you’re portraying it correctly.. and move on. The key is to not ruminate - basically think about the same thing over and over. This applies to all of the thoughts you have about your ex, not just her and someone else.

Like others have said, get out of the house and do something constructive, also for real make a list of goals and work on them.

It gets better with time as everyone says, hang in there and honestly distract yourself with stuff if the feelings are too hard to cope with at times.

MNCPA · 2020-01-11T17:54:42+00:00

Yeah, she is most likely fucking someone else.

My female friends pull up their dating apps and there are dozens of guys willing to fuck at any given time.

Not your problem any more. Work on you.

champybaby · 2020-01-11T12:18:30+00:00

Totally normal brother. In time, you'll meet other women and when you get these thoughts again, you'll remind yourself that you're doing the same. And you'll just sorta accept it and be a lot better with it.

CoatedWinner · 2020-01-11T13:56:30+00:00

Yeah man let yourself think about it. Then one day it wont bother you anymore.

HelixFish · 2020-01-11T16:07:02+00:00

Ah, there was no sex going on, so I cannot even imagine that.

daedalis2020 · 2020-01-11T16:28:38+00:00

Definitely get into therapy. I've learned that therapy isn't so much about someone giving you advice, but someone who can really let you get those thoughts out in the open and kind of "referee" for you. I have a great therapist who is very direct with me when I'm being unfair to myself, etc.

Your ex is going to move on at some point, and so are you. I've found it helpful to take the long view in a humanist kind of way. Even though she put me through some shit, I hope she finds happiness, just like I hope to again find happiness. However, I'm not responsible for her happiness (or lack thereof) at all. She's a self-willed adult, and the choices she makes from here on forward are not my concern. I'm not a selfish person by nature, and my therapist keeps telling me I'm overly compassionate and generous and that it's OK in this time to buckle down and focus on me.

Also, a healthy relationship is about way more than the physical. I've found it helpful to focus on the things that I'm looking to change going forward for me.

warrior_up · 2020-01-11T17:44:24+00:00

Yea but then it happens and there’s no point worrying about that stuff anymore. He can have your left overs

Bobfrom815 · 2020-01-11T17:58:43+00:00

You mean things like sleep on complete opposite sides of the bed?

wirescraper · 2020-01-11T19:44:06+00:00

Damn you got some amazing advice below. Jealousy, regret and feelings of low self-worth will swallow a man whole. If the ruminating thoughts get the better of you and your mind gets hijacked and you end up with depression, just know, you can come out of it. This is what happened to me. You only get to live once... and here in America we’re all about the pursuit of happiness, I’m guessing the lucky ones find it, but I’m all about the pursuit. Sex can really fuck with a guy. I know that I want to be her best, want her to lust for me... I want I want I want, but I really can’t force how she feels... I’ve just gotta let go. I’ve gotten to where I want my ex to be happy, get her brains fucked out and feel amazing... she’s the mother of my kids and I want her to feel whole and happy, so that she can be an engaged Mom. Yeah, it hurts a little and maybe a lot... I’ve never been so accustomed to emotional pain as I am now post divorce. Just know brother that I can relate, I am where you’re at and we can get through the shit. We can only control ourselves (to some extent) and the ex has to live her own life. I have to keep striving to better myself. When you take two steps back, try to follow it up with 3 forward. Sometimes it’s hard, but I have to believe it gets easier.

BadDad01234 · 2020-01-11T20:30:01+00:00

I think the worst is having to deal with the thought of some other man being in my kids life. That's what hurts the most. If we didn't have a kid I'd have no regrets and no looking back

rsmiley77 · 2020-01-11T22:31:49+00:00

Didn’t have to imagine. Walked in on her in our bedroom with the person she was cheating on me with just after she filed. Let me give you all a piece of advice. What you imagine in your head..... Wayyyy sexier than the sadness going on. Me walking in actually did me a favor. I wasn’t having issues with it per say but any nightmare scenarios of them being wonderful together instantly vanished. It was replaced with sadness for them. You’re better off. The weirdest part? They brought the persons dog... and the thing was barking at me in my own house. I recorded the entire thing for THEIR protection. I had to be on very good behavior.

vvvheretic · 2020-01-11T22:48:34+00:00

Get an old ass Harley Davidson and take it to the coast. Especially if you never rode before. I teach folks how to ride. Many. MANY! Are fresh after divorce and loving it! It may be a little thing, but this little goes a long way.

Guitar advice is badass too, but takes more time to perfect. You need a charge of adventure ASAP, brother!

Expatgooner · 2020-01-11T23:15:52+00:00

That's quite funny. I sure hope she puts more effort into it for the next guy - I'm serious!
I'd hate for someone else suffer that fate.

jml206 · 2020-01-12T02:38:55+00:00

I'm going through the same thing right now. Its hurts like hell man. Use the pain, dont waste it. I know trust me and your fellow men. Anytime, you start having thoughts like that. this is what you have to do; drop and do 10-10-10 push ups then sit ups, squats in any order you like. Get your self a gym membership and start lifting man. She left you in the desert, starved and left for dead. Survive . May god ease your pain brother.

Title	Newly separated
Author	rowschambow
Upvotes	13
Comments	29
Date	January 11, 2020 11:06 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/en66du/newly_separated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/newly-separated.818791 https://theredarchive.com/post/818791

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