Optimism

Classic_Dill · 2024-04-12T18:56:15+00:00

Took 2 years of my life after my divorce and did nothing but ME! went to a Psychiatrist, lost 35 lbs, read a ton, listened a ton and learned about men/women and the dynamics of both in a relationship, I'm over prepared for my next Big relationship, but now, i know what i need and the type of women that can give it to me, its a bit harder to find a partner, but Ive got really close twice, they are out there gentleman, in the mean time, dont waste your spare time, not working on yourself, its you first and everyone else second. Everyday, i just strive for peace.

csbcsu · 2024-04-12T18:07:50+00:00

I'm in my late 30s and met my ex when we were 22, I don't feel like my life is over at all. I feel like I get the opportunity for my own fresh start. Literally you get to decide to do everything you want under your own terms. Even if you're doing that on a budget, just envision your decisions being made solely on your own behalf. By yourself.

Coming to terms with this will help create equilibrium on your emotions. Once you're through with it and the dust settles, you can look around and see that you didn't lose any limbs or bleed out during the chaos. You survived & your life will go on.

sak144 · 2024-04-12T17:56:31+00:00

Peace. It's hell while you're going through it, but afterwards, just sheer peace.

No more bullshit. No more being criticized for insanely stupid stuff. As it turns out, I guess I was loading the dishwasher and drying clothes correctly the whole time after all...also, women do find me pretty attractive. And my hobbies and interests are pretty cool too.

Being able to be yourself and not walk on eggshells. Just being able to genuinely smile at small things. To wake up and be excited and not miserable. Man, that feeling of peace is great.

myrstica · 2024-04-12T16:44:31+00:00

I moved out about 5 months ago. I'm 39 and have 3 young kids, the oldest of whom is 9. Married for 10 years.

It's been really difficult, but the positives I'm taking away from this experience, beyond the regular stuff like independence, relative freedom from manipulation/coercion, and the ability to pursue my hobbies unfettered, are:

my relationship with my kids has improved. I'm not constantly arguing with their mother and getting upset. They are getting to know me individually, and relatively stress free. My time with them is focused on being with them and being present instead of having to juggle three other things at the same time.
I'm rediscovering my depth, my empathy, and my value as a human beyond being a breadwinner and handyman. And not having someone constantly telling me I'm a narcissist or a bad parent or a liar, and bringing up every mistake I've ever made has allowed me to start to actually see myself again.
lately, I've found myself hating my stbx a lot less. She still tries to pull the same manipulative crap she always did, but I'm better able to see it for what it is and not let it affect me. I find myself actually hoping that our issues were simply due to a basic and deep incompatibility, and that the guy she's quickly getting serious with is better for her. I have found myself genuinely hoping that they can make it work where we couldn't, at least for the kids' sake. And that when all is said and done, the kids will have one or two more people in their lives to give them love and support.

Of course, there's still conflict, and there are still little arguments, and there are still legal matters to work out, but I feel like I've turned a corner. And though I doubt things will ever be 'good' between us, I hope that we can at least let go of the pain we've caused each other and at least be civil.

LeftySmithy · 2024-04-12T16:21:16+00:00

I'm in the middle of a divorce. 47m with two kids. 14 and 11.

this entire process has sucked ass horribly....

But my relationship with my kids and pretty much everybody else but the stbxw is 10 times better than it ever was.

not only that, but I was so miserable in the marriage that I was incredibly overweight and lazy....and since she left I've lost 80 lb and I'm starting to see the very beginnings of a six pack which I think will happen when I lose about another 20.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-04-12T16:00:40+00:00

More money, more freedom, nobody is belittling and criticizing my every move, when I speak in a group of people nobody is googling reasons why I’m wrong on their phone. I don’t need to listen to somebody bashing me to their friends and family loud and clear through the air ducts. The dishes are clean, the laundry is done. If I want to hop on a plane and go to Arizona for the weekend I just do it. When I have my kids my time with them is special. When I need attention from females I simply go to a lounge and they approach me.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-12T15:54:12+00:00

This isn't the end. You have your entire life ahead of you at 31. I wrote some advice to my sons that I'll share with you about relationships:

Not until you have dated a ton of women, found gainful employment, established yourself a career, and started saving for retirement, should you even consider starting a family in your mid 30s. Not before. The reason is that until you achieve these things in life you are not capable, nor prepared, to get married and raise children. You will either yearn to date other women, never have the money to adequately provide for your family, or you just plain won’t have enough time to spend with your wife and kids. Raising a family is going to be the single largest responsibility in your life and you need to make damn sure you can do it effectively and do it right.

If you choose to have a family, it is the most important business you’ll ever run. Successful businesses have a vision. They have a mission and values. You’d never start a business without diligence and intention. And you’d never start without the right partner. The right woman will propel you to greatness. And the wrong one will lead to destruction. When selecting a mate choose a woman who aligns with your values, is a compliment to your life (but not the focus of it) and supports your goals. If you want the same things out of life, and you walk in lockstep, you'll both be unstoppable.

When you find a great woman ask yourself this: Am I a better man for having her in my life? Does she contribute value and do I appreciate her contributions? Would she make a good mother? There is no more important decision in this life than who will be the mother of your children. She exhibits the traits of clarity, stability and maturity. It's not complicated, you will know.

Women can either become an anchor, or a sail. Look for women that are a complement to your life and that gladly fill your sails with wind and limit your interactions with anchors that hold you back. To become attached to a woman that pulls you down is a mistake. If she doesn’t honor you, leave her. Very few women make good money, are emotionally stable, clever, wise, good looking, have a good sense of humor, are genuinely interesting, hard-working, funny, honorable, not arrogant and not fat. The average woman would be an incel if she were a man. Every woman wants a good man, until they find one that requires them to be a better woman. It’s a man’s job to respect a woman but it’s a woman’s job to give him something to respect.

crimi_nole · 2024-04-12T15:48:52+00:00

I fucking hate all of this, but the one positive is the peace and quiet.

Title	Optimism
Author	fffrdcrrf
Upvotes	5
Comments	8
Date	April 12, 2024 3:43 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2cezp/optimism/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/optimism.1514835 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514835

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