Resources for co-parenting with a BPD ex

furiousmustache · 2022-09-01T00:03:12+00:00

Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent by Margalis Fjelstad was recommended by the book Stop Walking on Eggshells

wanderingANDwanderer · 2022-08-31T21:05:08+00:00

There’s a book about breaking up with BPD. Either “Fuck you, dont leave” or i hate you dont leave.

HelixFish · 2022-08-31T21:49:11+00:00

Have a BPD ex. I set some clear boundaries, which helped. If she starts to raise her voice unnecessarily or insults me I give her one warning then either a) say bye and hang up, b) leave, c) kick her out. It’s helped. She loves the kids, so she has been better. She also has a BF now, and that helps immeasurably. His a nice guy, I like him. Not sure why they are together but it works well for me and the kids.

While we were divorcing but still in the same house she broke open the door when one of the kids was sleeping with me (young, appropriate parent snuggles). She moved out shortly after.

trampledrosetrampled · 2022-08-31T22:42:19+00:00

I too would appreciate all of this advice.

It's been 4 years and it's been crazy. I've tried boundary after boundary and it's just the same pile of shit year after year. I'm not saying there isn't hope but it feels a little bit hopeless that there isn't some type of reprieve.

Can someone with more experience than I explain to me how those people can literally say whatever disgusting shit they want and there is zero backlash? You can just falsely accused someone of something and then.... nothing?

JD-Anderson · 2022-09-01T12:00:53+00:00

I deal with a BPD ex. Shrinkformen.com is interesting. As for the emails and texts that attack, I get those on the regular still. I just laugh it off and save it. I will keep my attorney on retainer until our child graduates high school.

Data_Fan · 2022-09-01T14:33:39+00:00

Bill Eddy is the world's expert on this, and he has published a series of very helpful books

traderjoesbeforehoes · 2022-09-02T14:16:17+00:00

get a TRO, then pray it gets approved to a FRO. i have my FRO hearing in a few weeks. the only way i can imagine being able to exist even post divorce is to have a legal document limiting her ability to contact me. even right now, with a TRO and a court monitored messaging app, she is incapable of just keeping it to talking about the kids.

Forsaken-Database540 · 2022-09-14T18:00:05+00:00

man im in the same boat. i parallel parent a 6y.o boy with a bpd ex-w. shes been trying to alienate him for about the last 2 years. im so scared it might work but so far he resists. ive read so much and seen specialists theres so little we can do

Fayfuya · 2022-08-31T21:17:42+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, really sounds like hell on earth. I especially hope your kid gets through this with minimal emotional burden. I didn't think parents diagnosed with BPD can even keep their kids!

WartimeDad · 2022-09-01T03:54:42+00:00

Best I can say is to do what you can to be the stability. The only guarantee you have at the end of the day is the chaos will continue.

BlackHoleSlurpy · 2022-09-01T07:08:35+00:00

Document all of this and file for primary physical custody.

SilvertonMtnFan · 2022-09-05T01:46:40+00:00

I am also dealing with an EW that has uncontrollable BPD, alcoholism and SSRI abuse. 2 small children and I wasn't able to get full custody so I still have to deal with her far too often.

People with BPD love drama and attention, so one of the best punishments is to starve them of those things. I hang up at the first screaming phone call and she only gets one more chance that day to shape the fuck up before I stop answering.

She struggles to have the patience for the children so I often get extra time with them to give her a 'break' (brown bag variety usually I believe). But my goal is 100% time with my kids so that's actually helping me out, and they are getting old enough to see that they aren't her priority so eventually that will catch up to her as well.

They make for shitty parents and it's sad that the courts don't seem to care (especially when it's the mother that has BPD), but just being the stable responsible rock is what the kids need the most. When the ex demands you let them be more 'involved' just give them a small task and let the kids know mom is taking care of it. They will fail 90% of the time due to their self adsorption and you get to be the super hero just by doing trivial tasks.

Otherwise it's best to just go gray rock and not engage. I did earn about 4 months reprieve from the calls by putting her on speaker phone in a crowded break room with a bunch of my coworkers who knew her. I let her rant for about 3 or 4 minutes completely uninterrupted (and totally unhinged) to about 7 of us. At the end she asked what I had to say for myself- and the pin you could hear drop when I told her she had been on speaker the whole time and had my coworkers all say "Hi" to her was pure gold. Another good pressure point is that they hate to be 'outed' as a complete jerk, so if you live in a 1 party state you might start recording their calls to you.

Title	Resources for co-parenting with a BPD ex
Author	Feinixaway
Upvotes	8
Comments	26
Date	August 31, 2022 8:47 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/x2o85h/resources_for_coparenting_with_a_bpd_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/resources-for-co-parenting-with-a-bpd-ex.1130567 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130567

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