Said she wants a divorce

Close to two months ago my wife said she wanted a divorce. This floored me and had me stunned for days. I love my wife with all my heart, I saw some issues and I have my grievances as well, I just loved her too much to hold on them when she did not seem to care how I felt (that's how I saw it and maybe her too)

I told her, as always, I will not force her into anything. That includes our marriage, if she wants a divorce, then she can do the paperwork, pay the fees, and come up with a list we can look over for assets. But I set aside 3k to go see a counselor for our marriage and set aside some dates for her to choose to go. It was a 3 day marriage intensive that would last all day long. She later refused to go. I still went to see the counselor for grievance and anger management, later on these.

At first I did not bring up any of the issues I had in our marriage, as I wanted to know how she felt. One of the main points she brought up was she thought I was manipulative, I asked her to please tell me how. I wanted to know how I was manipulative because that is not my intention. She gave me one example and said she looked things up on the internet and it said I was manipulating her. The example she brought up was such. Let me give you some background first. For most of our 22 years married she would go to lunch with me, before she had a job and later when she got a job. We work for the same County and 2 blocks apart. I liked eating lunch with her, it was our thing, I thought. She started to go to lunch with her work mates and I never stopped her or told her I did not like it. I did not always sound happy, because I was not. She says I was being manipulative.

Another point she brought up is that we felt more like roommates. In January of 2017 my mother died after fighting MSA for 9 years. I was at her bedside when she died. I saw her last breath, I saw the color drain from her face, I watched as 2 people I did not know came in the room and shooed us out, I then watched them drive away to never see her again. I still see her death when I close my eyes today. For a few weeks I did not process this, I was helping others in my family. I then went 5 days with little to no sleep, I started getting anxiety. I broke down, all my walls I built to protect myself shattered that day. I started having trouble sleeping, I would get this empty painful feeling in my chest. I call it fear, this time it was the fear of death. If I had a TV on I could mitigate the issue and sleep, it would distract my mind. My wife said she could not sleep with the TV. So I started sleeping on the couch so she could sleep. 5 years in and I still have issues. Add to that, my daughter started sleeping in our room, so when I wanted to go snuggle in the morning I could not (this was a lot, I wake up way earlier than her and would always check to see). Now let's also more that when my mom was still alive, but in a vegetable state for years, I would have issues as well. I had times I could only think of her and I would cry at night. My wife would ask if I was OK, I would tell her how I feel, she would back over, say ok and fall back asleep. I talked to her many times and stated I just wanted someone to help make me feel better (you know, hold me close tell me we will make it together...). That never happened. After she died, I did not hold how I felt, I still received no comfort. I did make the mistake of saying I really wanted to talk to my dad or brother about it, but they would not talk about it with me. I said it was because they were there the whole time, I loved my wife, but it was not the same. She got mad at this. Also, my room smells like cat shit because there are 6 of them.

She stated that I did not clean up after she cooked dinner. This was my fault, I kept forgetting. I asked if she could help me remember, but she said she should not have to.

I am a computer gamer and there have been times that she tried to talk to me while I was playing and I did not listen well enough. That is on me, I can change that and I am willing to.

She stated that I would make her and my daughter ( more on that later) feel bad and guilty when I would get upset. I asked for an example. She mentioned one of the things that has been upsetting me for years. I work from 7:30 AM until 4:30 PM and she does the normal 8:00 AM until 5:00 PM. We have 1 car we share. Since we are only a few blocks apart we would go together. I would almost never get to work before 7:45. I asked her to show me exactly what to do, or write it down, when she wanted to make something in the crockpot for dinner. She showed me once. She would never get up early enough to get out on time. I would always say it is okay when she would mention it while getting ready. I would then talk about getting to work on time while driving to work, every now and then. I also talk about being early all the time through the whole marriage. She said I made her feel guilty when I would get upset.

She says I have an anger issue. She says she knows when I am upset and when I am angry. Ok have watched some videos and talked about anger management. One thing I have learned is that anger is not bad, we can get angry. It is what we do with that anger that is good or bad. One time in my life after my kids were born I let frustration get the best of me. I walked off and punched my box freezer and broke my hand. I started trying to go to anger management because she said I had issues, so I went.

Through all of this I have tried to be understanding, I started doing my own laundry, I started doing more dishes, I even cleaned parts of the living room, dining room, and kitchen. I have a bad back, I have MRI scans and doctors that will tell you the same thing. I stretch now and again, but I cannot bend down very well and do floors, or dishes. I clean by myself and am in pain for days afterwards. I have always asked for help and do not get it. She wants to clean on her own.

When we would argue, my daughter would sometimes hear and ask my wife questions. I don't know what was said, but she would talk to her. She never came to me, neither of them. Everything she brings up right now involves how my daughter (late teens) feels as well. I asked her how my daughter is taking the divorce and she says that my daughter does not want her to be married to me. When my kids ever back talked their mother or said something bad about her around me I would always tell them that their mother does way more for them than they know, that she loves them more than anyone else in the world. I would tell them that I do not want to hear back mouthing about her at all, because she is their mother. I don't feel the same way done for me.

Ok, that's only part of it, and my side to boot. This is how I remember the talks and what I understand. My wife is a good woman and I love her more than anything. My problems did not hold a match to my love for her so I put them aside. I do not know her right now, I always thought we would get help...she says she mentioned getting help, but was waiting for me to find it.

I feel like I have already lost her and she has already left me. My house is mostly an emotional black hole right now. I tell her I love her and she says "I know". She barely says anything to me and when I try to talk about getting help and understand things, she shuts down and gets mad.

If she ever saw this she would probably get mad at me even though you don't know who I am.