I’m wondering whether we should separate or not. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. We are both in our early 40s and have two children together. We’ve been married for 12 years. In July, my wife told me that she had lost her feelings and didn’t know how to get them back. She wasn’t sure if we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. After that, I went into a crisis and felt really bad for several months. I started therapy (CBT) and I feel much better now.

My biggest problem in our relationship is that I don’t feel that she likes me. I miss intimacy and sex in our relationship. In recent years, we’ve had sex maybe once or twice a year, and we don’t even sleep in the same bedroom.

Five years ago, my wife had a burnout, which led to serious sleep problems and anxiety related to sleep. We live in a house, but we don’t have a proper bedroom for us both. I’ve been sleeping in a small room with a slanted roof for 4 years, where I’ve had to squeeze in a bed. I miss being close to her and just lying together and cuddling, but I don’t think she misses this. I also miss having a relationship where we have sex and intimacy.

We have two children together, both around 10 years old, and one has autism, which made things difficult when the kids were younger and led to a lot of arguments between us. This is one reason why she has lost her feelings. We’ve been to couples therapy four times, but we haven’t made any progress.

The first time we went to therapy, she wanted to think about what she wanted to do, and I was told to calm down and give her space. We agreed that I would give her time and space to figure out what she wanted. The second time, she wanted to try small things, like sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands, and hugging. We’ve managed to get back to hugging, but the rest is still missing.

The third time we went to therapy, she was angry because I had pointed out that I thought she was boring because she didn’t want to have sex with me, and she felt pressured by this. At that point, she had taken several steps backward in our relationship. One of the problems is that we’re not getting anywhere in therapy. She doesn’t want to kiss or have sex anymore, and I’m not allowed to initiate any intimacy either.

Sex in our relationship has always been uneven. I’ve been the one to want it, and I’ve had to ask and make many attempts before anything happened. In general, we’ve only had sex a handful of times in recent years, which I feel is too little.

Financially, we live in an expensive area. I will be able to buy an apartment with a bedroom for myself and the children, but my wife will probably only be able to buy a smaller place where the children will have to share a room. I’m not too worried financially. However, it feels tough to sell the house and split up the family.

We can’t talk about our problems together either. When we try, my wife gets angry and walks away. I’m wondering if I’m the one who has to leave the relationship, as I don’t think she wants or can change, and I don’t think she will take the step to initiate a divorce. I miss a relationship where she wants me and is attracted to me, which she doesn’t feel right now.

I don’t know how long I should wait for things to get better when she’s not making any big efforts to change. I know I can change quickly, but she needs a lot of time, and I’m not even sure if we will be able to come back from this. Otherwise, when we’re at home, we don’t argue much anymore. We both have our own interests and do different things on the weekends. Most of our time together is spent in the evenings, when we watch TV together, for example.

I would really appreciate some input. It doesn’t feel like a relationship should be this way, but I’m afraid of getting a divorce. I’m afraid it will be difficult, splitting the family, and that I’ll end up alone.