Looking for Advice – Missing Intimacy and Connection After 25 Years Together

My wife and I have been together for 25 years. We met young and have two children (ages 12 and 15). We live an okay life together – we go to the gym sometimes, watch TV in the evenings, and everyday life just keeps moving. But we’re both bad at communicating feelings, and things have become very routine in recent years.

My wife works a physically demanding job, has a chronic bowel disease, and often struggles with stomach issues. She’s usually exhausted and sleeps poorly. About seven years ago, we started sleeping in separate bedrooms. She likes it, but I really miss the closeness. We haven’t had sex in about a year and a half.

We tried couples therapy a year ago, went a few times, but she didn’t want to continue. I felt we weren’t getting anywhere – everything in the relationship somehow became my fault, while she didn’t want to change anything. I’ve tried to change the things she disliked. On weekdays, I handle most things at home: cooking, shopping, daily routines with the kids. She helps more on weekends when she has the energy, which is fine.

The problem is that I feel we’ve grown apart. She said the same thing a year ago, but I don’t see her taking any steps to fix it. When I bring up that I miss sex or intimacy, she gets angry. She has even said, “If it’s that important to you, then go have it with someone else,” even if she didn’t mean it. She refuses to compromise and pushes all responsibility away.

What makes it even harder is that it’s almost impossible to bring any of this up with her. Whenever I try, she gets very angry and defensive. At this point I think about it every day, but I don’t have the energy to keep bringing it up when she doesn’t listen or when it feels like she doesn’t want to change or care about how I feel.

She also says she doesn’t want a divorce – but that if someone is going to end it, it has to be me. And now I’m starting to feel like I’m getting close to that point. I feel sad and uncertain about the future. I want a normal relationship with closeness, intimacy, affection, and the feeling of being wanted. She does show some things – she’ll hold my hand when we watch TV and give me a goodbye kiss in the morning – but beyond that, almost nothing.

We went through many difficult years when one of our children (autism/ADHD) struggled a lot, and there was constant conflict at home. It affected all of us and definitely our relationship. Things are much better now, but I still feel lonely in the relationship and almost bitter about how far apart we’ve drifted.

I love her, and she’s my best friend, but right now that’s almost all that’s left. No intimacy, no sexual interest from her, and no shared bedroom. I’m in my 40s, stay in shape, have a good job, and would manage fine on my own – but I want things to work with her. At the same time, I can’t wait forever for her to maybe change.

Has anyone been in a similar situation – especially when it comes to missing intimacy and closeness? How did you deal with it? Any advice, thoughts, or personal experiences would mean a lot. I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, and it’s incredibly hard when you love your family but don’t feel loved back in the way you need.