Still healing, something just feels off.

wrinkly_ballz · 2024-01-22T03:50:03+00:00

I’ve been divorced going on 3 years in March. It’s still sucks. We have a child together, which is why I think it has taken me so long to heal and move forward.

I “dated” during separation/divorce, but it never felt right. I find that I ultimately make life worse for these women. Even though I tell them where I am mentally and how I feel (not ready for serious), it still caused them distress. I can see it.

I’m still cordial with my ex wife and talk to her some times. We’ve even dressed as the Adam’s family during Halloween. I probably should not have done that, but it for my daughter. I love allowing my daughter to see that we can be amicable.

However, I love my ex wife dearly. I used to be so shame to tell ppl, so I kept it to myself.

This whole ordeal made me look at love differently now: I don’t love her in a possessive way anymore. I love her for who she is, period. I still want to help and support her in anyway that I can. I still feel a strong sense of responsibility for their safety and well-being even if we aren’t under the same roof.

It takes time. It’ll feel like you’re stuck. It’ll be hard to measure the progress, but the progress is occurring.

We tend (you and I) to sell ourselves short as men. We can lose self respect and dignity. The way that we gain them back is by accomplishing goals in our lives that we set.

Doesn’t matter who’s in the wrong or if the wives are making the mistake. It’s their mistake to make. It’s how we bounce back that matters.

The best steel weapons can only be forged in fire. This is our opportunity to make the most of these challenges. They make us stronger than we ever were before!

Keep pushing. Congratulate yourself a lot. Talk positively to yourself. Be your biggest fan. That self talk is the key. Keep hope alive!

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-01-07T17:08:16+00:00

If you're not ready for a new relationship, then don't have one. The old saying an ex is an ex for a reason, is perfect here. She was in your life for a long time and is still in your DNA. It will take a long time to get her out. Work on yourself. Get therapy if you have to start to enjoy your new reality. You have so much to look forward to instead of keeping looking in the rear view mirror.

Hithartcg · 2024-01-07T17:01:25+00:00

To me it still feels like I'm living in the shadow of my former life. I've been living in my house that we shared now for the last 9 months, but I'm not going to be able to keep it after the divorce probably.

I started noticing that I think being in the house we lived in together is making it harder for me to move on. I think doing something major to reinvent my life a bit might and really making it clear that it's in the past might help me.

lifeisallihave · 2024-01-07T04:58:26+00:00

I'm in a similar situation but I'm not seeing anyone. There are days that I'm cheerful and days that I feel sad as I think about my kids and what it is like for them, my six year old who I go running with telling me she's tired of having to spend a week here a week there broke me. Still I get up every day to go to work, do what I need to do and just try to make the best of my current situation. Most days I feel a lot of pain as I try to navigate my new life. It takes time but this place has helped me pull through most of my rough days.

someguyinpa52 · 2024-01-07T04:32:50+00:00

You are ahead of me.. We are doing mediation and had our first real meeting last week - expect everything to be over in 3 months. For me, the biggest hurdle (so far) was telling my kids. I feel that things are starting to get a little better but like you, believe I have a long road to go before I feel normal. I do think it would feel weird dating another woman but I am SUPER hopeful that I can find one that I click with better and truly have a loving relationship with. To put it into perspective - married for 20 years so a VERY long history and the relationship was comfortable but not loving. I don't know what's ahead but for every negative thought that I get, I try to look at the potential positives. I understand what you mean about how your life is different and that will be a massive adjustment for me as well. I don't know man - there is no guide for this but these forums definitely help me.

ACRay00 · 2024-01-07T01:22:58+00:00

oh hey mine was final in March too. I just came here to say I hate you cause you have a lady in your life and I live in the woods with my doodle. Also, on a more serious note, I'm still F'ed up from that evil woman. So, do you and hopefully you'll heal soon or find peace or happiness or whatever. I'mma follow my uncles footsteps with his Mav88 and go find out if God is real. Take care

Sad-Present-1077 · 2024-01-07T00:42:56+00:00

Honest question but were you drunk when you wrote this? Several sentences repeat. If that’s part of your coping mechanism, cut it out now.

WildernessHuntin · 2024-01-07T00:04:30+00:00

I have felt the way you are feeling, occasionally I still do. First step is don’t be too hard on yourself about it. A little over 1 year for me, for your reference. It’s not necessarily wrong to wish for them to come back or want your old life back. It’s not wrong…but it isn’t your current reality, nor is it productive. Acknowledge you feel that way, ask yourself truly why would you want this person back? Often for me it was because it was easy, and comfortable, and had history behind it. Then tell yourself that is not reality. I would strongly advise you to never take any action on your feelings of wanting her back simply accept that you have them and refocus.

What could help? Have a goal, such as, “one day I will be truly and absolutely indifferent about her.” ( this is mine) Don’t be upset you haven’t reached your goal yet, don’t worry too much about actually reaching it even. Every day just take a tiny step in the direction of your goal, and then have a little gratitude for yourself that you took that step. Make small bits of continual progress. Eventually you may find you have reached your goal without even realizing it. It slowly gets better, I don’t believe there are any truly effective shortcuts. Keep working out and trying new things, those are all tiny steps.

You said your relationship is a nice distraction, this is why there is a lot of encouragement to wait. Some distractions can be positive, exercise for example. Some can simply delay grief processing, often new relationships. I don’t think any one can judge whether this is the right or wrong path for you, except you. I do think you should reflect on it.

Best of luck, it’s trite but it truly does get better it just takes its own time.

Throw_Her_Away123 · 2024-01-06T23:51:17+00:00

Agree there’s no time table for emotional recovery.

Does the woman you see now sense or know that you’re still hung up on your ex?

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-01-06T23:48:47+00:00

I would maybe just slow down a bit dude. Your trying to move way to fast. The apologies from your ex will Probably never happen. I hate saying that but she’s your ex now. Be at peace focus on being a great dad and just take it one day at a time,one step at a time. Keep up with your hobbies,spend time with loved ones and be grateful to see your children that much. There are always others in far worse Positions learn this well and it will help you have a better perspective on life. What happened to you wasn’t fair but you now choose if you get bitter or better. Good luck 💪🏼

Complicatedlogic · 2024-01-06T23:47:16+00:00

There’s no time table man. Once you learn to accept it and move forward (it’s hard to move on, but you can move forward), you’ll start to heal. Also, until you let go of hoping she may come back, odds are she won’t.

Title	Still healing, something just feels off.
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	24
Comments	28
Date	January 6, 2024 11:26 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/190dfxj/still_healing_something_just_feels_off/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/still-healing-something-just-feels-off.1242416 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242416

Comments