Update

I posted a while back about my wife asking for a divorce....remember, this is only my side of things, my view and what I see, feel, and think. This is not a post to bash my wife, this is a post to try and understand.....THIS IS A LONG POST and I suck at writing things down.

To recap, things had slowed down a bit for us and I knew in the back of my mind that she seemed upset at something, just did not know what exactly. We both did not communicate well at all, like we used to, and kept things bottled up. I had done some things I should not have and did not do some things I should have. She was the same way though. We have never cheated on each other, we rarely yell...arguments, yes, yelling, no. I am a IT professional and a gamer. I try to get off the game if I am needed and be there when I am needed. I do not watch TV or go to the bar, my friends have all moved away and this is how we hang out. Just for information.

End of last year I was very sick. 5 days with a massive migraine that brought me to my knees, laid up on my recliner, tested negative for COVID. Saw a new doctor because mine was not available and tested negative for COVID and Flu. After that came brain fog, fatigue to where i could barely stand on my own, stomach issues...etc. Went to see my actual doctor and he tested again (negative), took a lot of blood, told em to drink broth and get rest. This whole time I was pretty much alone and by myself. Waters next to me so I did not have to get up. No one helped me to the restroom or get up, take a shower. Sometimes I was brought food. Checked on every now and then. On day 11 I woke my wife up and told her I wanted to go to the hospital, I felt like I HAD to go.

She takes me to the hospital (not in town, that one sucks). Drops me off at the emergency room and leaves. They test me for hours and admit me for pneumonia. I stay at the hospital for 4-5 days, nurses having to help me go to the bathroom and everything. 2 people come to visit (not immediate family) at first. Wife visits me for 15 minutes the day before I am released. After I am released and go see my doctor, the results of the blood tests come back and I had West Nile Virus.

January rolls around, i know something is up no, but I want to give her space....so i did. She walks up to me and says she wants divorce. I tell her, OK, I will not force her to stay in the marriage, like I have never forced her to do anything. I will not help with the divorce, I will not pay for it, and I will fight for our marriage (not fight against the divorce). As time goes on, I set aside 3000+ from my tax returns for marriage counseling. a few weeks later she says she does not want to do it, because it costs too much.

(This is all within months, not all at once) I talk to her as much as possible, trying to still give her space. She tells me I am manipulative. I tell her that I am sorry I come across that way and ask how I am manipulative. She can think of one thing. I like to do something on certain days (not sex) and we have done that thing together since we were married, even when she did not have a job. She started spending the last day of the week doing it with some women. I did not get mad, I told her go for it, but I was sad....this was our thing. She says I was manipulative because I was sad about it. She says i did not clean up after she cooked. I am sorry for that and kept forgetting...I would do it for a while and lapse. I asked her to help me remember, she said she is not my mom. She says i talk down to her....this was on both sides. I did not talk down to her, we argued and that may be how it feels when you argue. When I tried to set a rule for our kids after talking about it, she would never help keep that rule in place. I was OK with 2 cats, but not 8. Every time they wanted cats...her and the kids would come to me together and ask, so i would have to be the bad guy. When I would say no, she would come up with an argument to everything I said until I gave in. Things like this.

I keep talking to her and letting her know i love her and that I always will. She says she wants to move out, and she is looking for a place in another town close to us. She states that they do not like it here and would rather live there. I tell her that the house is not my home, they are. Then start talking about all of us moving and selling the house because it is a sellers market. She does not talk about it anymore. I also tell her that she does not have to move out, if we are working on our marriage and trying to understand each other then I am willing to give her time. She says i am like her dad was to her mom, which I do not understand. I loved him, but he was messed up. She does not give me any examples.She says i do not clean enough. I have a back issue, bulging disks, I have been to the chiropractor more times than I can count, I do stretches to help. It has been getting worse. All I have asked them is that we clean together so I can get things that are higher up and they can do the lower stuff. When I clean the counter people get mad because I throw things away. They have been sitting there forever, if you don't want it thrown away, put it in a better place and don't leave it there for weeks. No one helps when I clean, and have back issues, pain, tightness, trouble walking, for weeks after I clean for a few hours with bending down. (I am now going in for surgery).

Later she tells me that she is waiting to hear back from some apartments. Our anniversary rolls around and I send her flowers to her work. I get home and she says she told me not to get her flowers. Later she comes by and tells me that she filed for divorce because she was mad when she saw the flowers.

2 weeks pass by at one point and I feel alone in my own house, barely talking, no contact, nothing. I go by her at lunch and ask what is up...I tell her that if this is how it is going to be then I might as well go get a hotel for now until she decides....because this is torture. She blurts out that she has an apartment and her move in date is later that month. I tell her that moving out to another place with her own bills and saddling me with everything here is walking out on our marriage, and walking out on me. She says she does not see it that way. She wants to find herself. She has paid a large deposit she can not get back. We talk some more and things start getting better, she is seeing a therapist, the date of the move is in a week and I ask if she is still plans to move out, she says they moved it back a week. We talk more and a week goes by that is good, not great but good. I ask her again is she is going to move out and she says yes. That night I state what i think again and tell her how a marriage is not about you or me, but it is about us. I tell her how I went through depression without her help when my mom died and my grandma died in the same year. (All of the things she brings up are from that time frame) I did not push her away, I showed her affection still, I still wanted to be around her. I also told her that she is leaving me with less than 10 dollars every month, and that is no entertainment and half what i need for food and gas. I also told her that I would only keep 2 cats and my son got to choose, she would have to find a place for 6 of them in a week.

The next day she tells me she is not moving out. I tell her she has made me a happy man, but why. She says because she wants to work on our marriage and her getting 2 jobs would not give time for that and money issues it would put us both in.

Now since then, I have been trying to give her time and space, but still work on our marriage. I told her we need to be open and communicate. I wanted to keep things in until we worked out what this immediate issue is, but then I would not be open with her and that is not right. I tell her how I feel about being left in the hospital and how much it hurt, I ask her how she would feel and she says she does not know, we are different people.

Right now, I am the one initiating hand holding, most talking, kissing, sex (rarely), she barely looks at me anymore. I ask her what is wrong and she says nothing, I ask how we are she says fine. She does not open up at all. I know it will take time, but this shit sucks.

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(Let me tell you one happening....not for young eyes, will try to keep it cleanish... We were watching TV together and I had my hand on her thigh. I start pleasing her and she likes it. She puts one hand on my part and one hand behind my head. She is stroking the back of my head like she used to when all was good. I am aroused and crying at the same time because this is the first time I have felt affection from her in almost a year.)

Edit: This is why I suck at writing as well. I also always try to look at all sides, not just what everyone thinks someone will do just because they are a certain sex, or anything else. We are all different.

She did not cut me off from sex, so much as not as much as we used to. The affection is what she stopped...the wanting to be around me like it used to be. I get tired of people telling me it is unmanly to want to get affection from my wife, I get tired of the no emotions, fuck this fuck that attitude in this world. It makes me no less of a man to want affection from my wife of over 20 years, to want to be with her like we used to be.

Let's also be fair in one other aspect, she does not "leave" me with money. Since she started working our money was in two accounts in one bank. Mine was primary and paid all major bills, hers was secondary and paid gas, groceries, and entertainment, etc...If she would have left, I would have been left to pay all major bills by myself, we live paycheck to paycheck. That means that I had nothing left, already, after paying bills. Her leaving just meant she would put us both in financial hardship, she would have to get 2 jobs.

Also, she may or may not have cheated. But my belief is that she did not. We shall see if that is the case. Not every female is the same, just like we are not all the same.I hate sports, I hate beer, I don't work on cars...those are all "manly" stuff I am supposed to do, but I don't. Not all females are the same either. I also live my life that I will trust someone once I get to know them for a while, if they break that trust then it is done, no more trust.