Waiting

Corpus1965 · 2025-12-23T12:02:10+00:00

Thank you brother. Unfortunately I am retired navy and know she will get half of that for life. This situation is awful, but I know it is common. I am 60 and she 55. She has only been making 4 times as much for three years. She was making twice as much for about ten.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-12-23T00:42:59+00:00

She is going to love losing half her retirement fund, half the house and paying you alimony for life.
Enjoy it brother, you are the exception. Me and other men here have to face what she is going to lose and its not pretty at all.

asc1226 · 2025-12-23T00:14:30+00:00

I would like to know so I can plan

Complacency will serve you ill in any legal matter, and especially in divorce. The way you know so you can plan is to consult with an attorney, not to wait and see what your wife’s attorney has in store for you.

AccomplishedTwist831 · 2025-12-22T23:23:10+00:00

FILE. FIRST.

You’ll have plenty of time for reconciliation after filing but FILE FIRST AND FILE QUICKLY!!! The more time you leave, the more time she has to strategize and find any loophole she can to screw you. For example, if she decides to move states away and files before you then you’re cooked. You may have to go to court wherever she filed. File first. Get that out the way and then go from there.

When you affect her bank account she will not remain civil. I don’t want my stbxw money but once you take it there she will become a woman scorned. Be prepared for that.

Also keep your nose clean. 🧼 No fights, no arguments, assume that every single thing you and everything you post or say is being recorded. Because the truth is it’s easier to screenshot and record now more than ever. Act accordingly when she’s away. Don’t do anything you’d be embarrassed for a private investigator to capture and bring up in court against you. Aside from that enjoy the ride.

WeaknessCapital9064 · 2025-12-22T22:44:26+00:00

Bro divorce her and take half and alimony and be happy

DatabaseSpace · 2025-12-22T22:38:25+00:00

She may have to pay you alimony for life depending on what state you are in. She isn't going to file. You should though. Why live like that.

Gattsama · 2025-12-22T22:18:14+00:00

CUT & PASTE

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there

Gattsama · 2025-12-22T22:18:04+00:00

Below is a general response. If she makes 4x she will owe you spousal support, everyone hates paying support, women especially so...

IF it's truly over then it doesn't matter who files. The courts don't care. Need to look up the laws for your state. Also understand that things might be civil now, but if spousal support comes into the equation things are NOT likely to remain civil. The 50/50 split of all communal assets is one thing, continuing to pay after the divorce for years to life is another matter.

You can except emotional manipulation and lots of personal attacks if you choose to exercise your legal rights.

Don't know your ages, but if married for 30 years will assume your in your 50-60's. My advise would be to ask for support and then IF you later choice you can cancel it. The system is fundamentally broken. And to honest things are no likey to change until more women find themselves in your STBX position of having to pay. They didn't complain when the system benefited them.

Remember that if either rof you file, then she is no longer your wife. She's the STBX (soon to be ex). That means you no longer are required to provide husband duties or support. Not to be cruel, but if either of you decide to file then accept that the goal then becomes to work out a fair and legal settlement. What happens to her after the divorce, what she can or can not afford, the change in her lifestyle, etc.. none of that is your concern anymore. I'm not saying to be heartless. I'm saying you have the legal right to support in most states and should take it.

Addendum: had to make two separate posts for some reason.

pikohina · 2025-12-22T22:12:41+00:00

The most common advice you’re going to get is to secure counsel now and file first. Secure your own finances. Be civil, don’t drink, don’t communicate further. She’s probably hesitating bc she’s realizing how much alimony she’ll have to pay you. Take the alimony, it’s not a time to play hero. Your lawyer will help you prepare for what’s about to happen. Get a lawyer now, time to be active not passive.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-12-22T22:11:52+00:00

Hire a lawyer who will make sure you get 50% of the assets or more, including alimony. Listen to your attorney and let them do all the work. There's no reason to talk to your wife about legal matters that will upset her like your right to alimony. Just tell her it would be best if both of you get attorneys and let them take care of it.

Title	Waiting
Author	Corpus1965
Upvotes	6
Comments	17
Date	December 22, 2025 10:01 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ptcbja/waiting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/waiting.1569478 https://theredarchive.com/post/1569478

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