Giving unconditional love = setting yourself up for failure?

xweert123 · 2023-09-15T04:43:46+00:00

It's important to remember that unconditional love is different from being a good partner. Blind unconditional love for anyone you date is bad, but being a wonderful partner has nothing to do with unconditional love. After that, unconditional love is usually earned through a healthy mutual relationship between two partners that build that relationship together.

GenericBurlyAnimeMan · 2023-09-15T06:09:22+00:00

Unconditional love has nothing to do with emotions. This is where people are wrong and the lack of experience shows.

You know what is unconditional love? It is showing respect and understanding someone, and caring for them no matter what the situation is. You link it to buying flowers, romantic dates, or the act of committing, but those are examples of the end products.

Unconditional love can be getting up early to help your dad out in the garage because he’s getting old in his age, and you don’t really want to, but you love him and respect him enough that you just want to help him out at-least without asking for nothing in return. He never even asked. But he will know you love him.

Unconditional love is taking your mother to the doctors and being there to hold her hand as she’s going through a hard time, despite her snapping at your the day before upsetting you.

Unconditional love is walking in one day, and seeing your partner is incredibly stressed and tired, or just seeing that there is something wrong with them, and then getting up to make dinner for you both without even asking. Even though the last few weeks she hasn’t helped much with the house chores because of her current mindset.

None of these are emotional actions.

You know the saying that love fizzles out in a relationship, but what ends up keeping people going is the respect, care and understanding people have for each other. That is what is unconditional love.

Now we can argue that unconditional love is a problem in of itself, because everyone has boundaries, which is correct. I don’t really like the term unconditional love because it’s not really a thing. Everyone has a boundary. But that’s a different discussion.

Damoksta · 2023-09-15T06:22:27+00:00

Read up on Attachment Theory and understand where you are placed. For guys, Adam Lane Smith's content is gold; for women, Thais Gibson/Personal Development School. Make sure you are Secured first before you date.

If Attachment Theory is correct: the reason why Red-Pillers are right is because RedPillers at their core are Avoidants who then attract either fellow Avoidants or go into the Anxious-Avoidant trap with a Anxious-Preoccupied. Meanwhile, because Insecure people are attached for neurological reasons (family chaos, poor parental dynamics, poor couple modelling, sex as soothing mechanism etc.), the moment they are no longer stimulated, they look for other means/people to stimulate them.

When you become Secured though? You give because you are overflowing. You are not afraid of people taking, because there's plenty more where grace/love comes from: church, friendship, good colleagues, etc. At the same time, because you have mastered your fears/integrated with your shadow, you know that unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance.

Georgeoverthere · 2023-09-15T03:00:49+00:00

A lot of people have this problem and I want you to challenge this limiting belief.

People who care about you will respect and appreciate you opening up and sharing your feelings. You're not a robot. If someone can't appreciate that, then you know they shouldn't be in your life.

The right people will stay.

thrownawaytodaysr · 2023-09-15T15:15:53+00:00

Healthy love will always have conditions. To have no conditions is to accept anything and everything they do, no matter what, and love them all the same. This is pretty much reserved only for children from their parents. And even then, there are reasonable limits that could apply.

With that being said, you seem to be less discussing unconditional love (literally love without conditions) with kindness or traditionally romantic stereotypes and romantic/emotional displays.

To those latter points, how and when you engage in those kinds of behaviours is more important than whether you do it at all. Being more casual upfront, unless mutual feelings are clear, is usually wise. If someone went from 0 to 100 with me after the first date, I'd be rightly spooked and question what was happening for them to show so much affection after only having just met. But deeper into the relationship? I would question why they weren't showing affection or positive emotion.

Stoicism is great, but faux stoicism in an effort to manipulate a situation and control a person's reactions is kind of garbage and, at best, borderline abusive. Besides, I want someone with whom I am compatible not someone I can manipulate into being with me.

Hope that makes sense.

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-09-17T17:26:59+00:00

Romantic relationships are not unconditional love. Yes you can love them want the best for them but it's conditional. There will always be conditions for it and both parties are free to leave at any time if the conditions are not met. Does it suck? Yes? Does it mean all romantic relationships are doomed to fail and it's all bad and you should quit while ahead and not put yourself out there... Obviously not.

With dating/relationships it's trying to find a person who best meets your conditions while you meet theirs. It's hard and it does suck and you could do everything you could and they may not feel like its worth it for them or you don't tick all their boxes. And it's okay its not a connection for you back to square 1. The only thing you have control of in a relationship is yourself and putting your best foot forward and if someone appreciates it and is on your wavelength thats good. If they aren't that's fine too.

vcreativ · 2023-09-15T13:05:21+00:00

It's real and not at the same time. People aren't all the same. It depends on who you're talking about. Specifically.

If you're talking about an emotionally immature person they may well feel attracted to people who aren't emotionally available. This can be for a number of reasons.

So I have this fear that if you do all this “good stuff” for your SO (giving flowers, romantic dates, hell even committing, etc.) that they will leave you for someone else.

You're describing actions, not love. And if it's a question to commit or not then it's not love. Same for conditions. You can't make love conditional. You're trying to put a leash on a dragon. If you manage it, then it wasn't one.

That doesn't mean you need to stick around in all instances. But if it was love, for the most part it'll stay with you even if you leave. That's one of the reasons why it scares so many people.

It takes immense maturity and emotional development to actually engage in love meaningfully with the people you actually love all the while knowing that the expression of it may well fail in reality and you may suffer harshly for it. And then still pick up the pieces, reflect on what you could've done better, take time to grow and heal, resist the cynical sirens, and ultimately try again.

That's why so many people mess around either by sleeping around or by getting into relationships that they can control, and be that just with themselves. They lack courage. You need to be a fighter to love. Genuinely tough as nails. If you aren't ready, it'll crush you.

The key word being "development". You can develop yourself to be ready. But that starts with you not an other.

Maleficent-Bottle674 · 2024-07-03T18:09:38+00:00

Giving someone flowers is not unconditional love otherwise most florist and gardeners would be seen as giving unconditional love.

You're likely not giving any of your partners unconditional love if you have any condition for someone to be your girlfriend or wife. And most likely the number one condition is that you find her attractive... I imagine if you ever stop finding her attractive you would leave her. So you have a condition for someone to be your girlfriend/wife and you have a condition where you'd leave them over it.

Being considerate of your partner will not have them leave you for it. Going by his divorce statistics women generally leave inconsiderate partners via infidelity, abuse, and not doing chores, and more.

It is true that if you show your true feelings many women will pull back based on what those feelings are. I'm guessing a consequence of men hiding their feelings is they do not know how to display their feelings or talk about their feelings in a healthy way. Instead countless men trauma dump on women or express their feelings in an angry and hateful manner. I get regular dims no matter what social media app I am on from random men trauma dumping their whole horror life story onto me and expecting me to fix their problems. I get messages on LinkedIn from dudes about how their girlfriend cheated on him and how he can't trust the mother woman.... LinkedIn.

Some feelings people do not want to hear or they will judge you for your feelings and see you as unstable, toxic, or someone they don't want to be with. You having feelings is not going to have a girl pull back but what feelings and how you display them may have many women pulling back.

Lawfulness_Numerous · 2023-09-15T06:45:50+00:00

U shouldnt for the right reasons , read about Buddhism they never talk about there spirituality they live it and never talk about it .

Andromeda_______ · 2023-09-15T17:16:55+00:00

First, that's not unconditional love. Love isn't unconditional. That's just doing nice things, which is normal.

There is some truth that being a doormat will turn people off you. This is true of men and women. Low self esteem is not an attractive quality.

Things like changing your mind to agree with her to avoid fighting, doing anything she tells you to do even when you don't want to do it, jumping every time she tells you too, etc..

But being a nice, sweet boyfriend won't make her leave you.

Abject-Interview4784 · 2023-09-16T02:22:46+00:00

Work to match their energy..respond to.messages atthe same speed they do, match effort and expense of gifts or gestures with what they are doing..not nickel and diming every little thing but watch for patterns. Some people do play games but just work to find the ones who don't.

Title	Giving unconditional love = setting yourself up for failure?
Author	TheRealSkillen
Upvotes	9
Comments	22
Date	September 15, 2023 2:24 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/16j15g9/giving_unconditional_love_setting_yourself_up_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/giving-unconditional-love-setting-yourself-up-for.1231882 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231882

Comments