How can I stop obsessing over height? (WARNING: semi long post)

raziphel · 2018-03-19T16:12:47+00:00

this is likely a placeholder for some other issue regarding suffering, trauma, and other related unhappiness. it's a thing your brain is currently obsessing over - a thing you can't change so it's easy to rage against - and it's likely a dramatic distraction from some other issue that's plaguing your subconscious. dig into what else is bothering you.

the subconscious works by association, so figure out what sort of things (bad experiences that cause suffering) this is associated with, and figure out not just how your subconscious is reacting to it, but what a healthy approach to this would be. then start moving in that direction. I know it's hard, especially when you don't have a lot of positive experiences to build on, but you can do it.

Be gentle with yourself, dude. you deserve that.

It's just a theory of mine, but this might also be a body dysmorphia issue: your brain is viewing your physical shape inaccurately and pumping you full of exciting chemicals (angry adrenaline, for example), distorting your view of yourself (and the world) and creating a destructive feedback loop. Women aren't the only ones who have to deal with this issue when they feel they can't meet the unnaturally high standards for social acceptability, and it certainly sounds like something that's affecting you - in this case, "success as a Man^TM ." You know rationally that there are very successful short men, like Kevin Hart, Tom Cruise, and Patton Oswalt, but subconsciously... your brain is going into panic mode and dumping adrenaline into "threat detection"... pointed at yourself. That's gotta be rough.

Does that sound pretty close to right?

Can you talk to a therapist about this?

remember: your feelings can inform your decisions, but they don't get to drive.

also: don't get sucked into toxic environments. more bad things seep into the psyche that way.

EminemLovesGrapes · 2018-03-19T16:24:54+00:00

Yes some women exist who have the stupid 5"10 or lower need not apply. But they can only do that on tinder.

I'm 5"6. But I don't care. Its simply something I cannot change and if some girl grills me for being too short I'll retort with a remark or a joke.

They way I see it, it's all about "allowed mishaps". If you're like one of my friends :

6">, fit, recently had jaw surgery and now has a baller jawline, well dressed. Girls will overlook a whole load of stupid shit he does because he is so attractive.

As opposed to me, 5"6, no jawline, fit, well dressed, glasses. So I have to put a bit more effort into it? That's life. Some people just have it easier.

But it is NEVER just your height. If you let "i'm too short" "i'm too short" overflow your entire mindset, guess fucking what. IT SHOWS.

CaptinSuspenders · 2018-03-19T20:05:33+00:00

The only bad thing about short men is how neurotic they are about it, my first boyfriend was 5'4 and I found him sooo hot. We met up again recently and he ended up drunk and almost crying about how unfair it is that he's short and it just totally killed if for me. I have chronic health issues, including brain tumors, and for someone to hate their body just because of its size...? I get it, society is fucked and shallow, but I'd trade inches for a healthy body in a heartbeat. I know that as a woman it is different, but try to focus on what your body really is. It's so much more than what shelf it can reach! Please work through this, whoever you end up with deserves a confident, self actualized man that can focus on her, you can't do that if you're obsessed with your height. Insecurities are self obsessions too.

Btw, Elijah Wood is 5'6, Daniel Radcliffe is an inch shorter, and I find them sooooo attractive. Even Peter Dinklage, a literal little person, has a beautiful, intelligent wife and a second baby on the way. It's because he accepted his height, probably mourned what it meant fully and likely for a long time, and then he moved the fuck on and became an attractive, self actualized person. My very hot cousin married a 5'5 man that is also not very attractive and has always had a less lucrative job...

Women can be shallow too, but the thing about love is that it can often take you by suprise. We can think about our ideal person, but we won't really know who they are until we meet them. Being attractive can get you more dates, but it absolutely does not ensure that you'll find your perfect match.

I've dated a freakishly tall man before and if I hadn't have liked who they were as a person I would not have been into it. It was awkward for a lot of reasons. 5'6 would be a good height for me. Easy 2 suprise kiss 😊😊😊. Now go out there and develop what makes you special! You owe it to yourself and your future wife, who may have married a tall dirt bag if you hadn't gotten to her first.

Maybe you'll lose out in the numbers game, but all it takes is one person. Please don't let this smother your shine.

Mystique94 · 2018-03-19T16:28:50+00:00

I believe the average woman in the US is about 5'4 so assuming you live here, the average woman is 2" shorter than you.

It sounds to me like this has gone beyond a typical insecurity and become a dysmorphia-like obsession. Ultimately it isn't your height that's the problem, it's your mind. Start by noticing these toxic thoughts, observing how they make you feel, what triggers them, and how you respond to them physically. Then work on training your brain to think about something else.

My boyfriend is barely 5'4 and hasn't ever had much of an issue with women. He just tends to date shorter girls (I am about 5'2). Some people say they don't realize how short he is because he stands up straight and projects confidence, so he height isn't very noticeable. If you look like your height doesn't bother you, chances are it isn't going to bother anyone else.

CaptJohnLukeDiscard · 2018-03-20T02:53:24+00:00

Tom Cruise is probably 5’5 and has a tooth in the exact middle of his face.

If you work with what you have (fit, funny, engaging, etc) you will be fine.

aNationofTwo · 2018-03-19T16:09:55+00:00

You are the same height as my boyfriend and he is a Chad. Relax.

snowscrew · 2018-03-19T15:53:33+00:00

Man that sucks. Personally, I like shorter men, but I am in the minority. You might not ever find someone, but there are ways to cope with that. I’m into a very specific type of man that’s hard to find (and even if I found him, who knows if he’ll share my interests). I recommend these subs: r/howtonotgiveafuck and r/Stoicism. There’s good advice and stories on both of those.

Edit: Also, you’re taller than me.

Julialikes · 2018-03-19T16:10:51+00:00

Were your parents originated in Asia especially SEA countries, OP? If yes, I can (sort of) understand her panicking about you being short. In SEA height discrimination (for men and women actually) can really prevent you from getting a job. In job advert it is often written as requirements that women be 160 cm and up and men 170 - 175 cm and up. I can understand that it must have felt hurt to have your own mother offering you that, just like mothers in South Korea offering eyelids or jaws surgery.

I am not sure if this will help you, but are you interested in volunteering in your local senior homes? There are a lot of old, happy short men in the senior home where I used to work part time. Maybe their happiness and acceptance to the situation that they cannot change could help you to find a way to be at peace with your situation.

reddit91291 · 2018-03-19T18:16:19+00:00

Seek therapy? Cbt is supposed to be good for working yourself out of compulsive thoughts and stuff. Personally I'm female and don't care about height at all and I'm sure there are others who are the same. Good luck bro. Stay away from r/short it's a toxic wasteland.

thatwierdone · 2018-03-29T01:32:24+00:00

Hey man definitely relate to this. I've always been interested in religion and have come to realize that red pill is basically a cult - reason this is important is the beliefs cannot truly be proved or disproved. What I have come to realize is that thoughts that red pill endorses such as importance of height, status, etc. is all a self fulfilling prophecy. If you think these things are the only thing that matters you will attract similar people. Equally, if you think those things are trivial you will attract like minded people. I think the hardest thing is realizing that to some degree these things actually DO matter (unfortunately the well meaning advice that height is irrelevant is equally wrong), BUT and this is most important - the degree to which they do matter is actually pretty trivial compared to your mindset. A strong, positive, healthy mindset will outweigh any natural disadvantages in the long run. This is also a belief that is difficult to prove or disprove but it is the attitude I have adopted since returning to my more religious roots, it has ended the depression that the red pill exacerbated for me, and suddenly my prior happy reality has come back with the caveat that I now understand why certain people are drawn to each other. Anyway my point is for the most part, it actually is all in your head as is the entirety of life, so if you REALLY want to feel better you have to watch your thoughts, find a source of hope, and force yourself to love and trust others (for your own benefit as much as theirs). Organized religion like Buddhism or Christianity is a good place to start. Wishing you all the best friend!

DarkestTimeline24 · 2018-03-30T20:37:33+00:00

As a woman for me height is never a real issue, the issue is when a dude has a complex about it and polices the shoes their lady wears or whatever. We all have things we don't like about ourselves but it's a real bummer when we try and make is someone else's problem. I don't really notice a people's height unless their super tall like over 6'2 or very small like someone close to 5 ft or smaller. The idea that height is super important is a patriarchal tool to make men feel bad about themselves.

derpeyduck · 2018-03-20T04:49:30+00:00

Hey friend.

So, I’m a woman, and I don’t think 5’6 is short. I’m about 5’7-5’8 depending on the day and who’s measuring. Sure, it’s shorter than me, but I can still be attracted to a 5’6” man.

I can’t relate to the height issue because I’m a relatively tall woman, and I don’t know if that’s important to people. I’m clueless about a lot of those things.

But FWIW, maybe my experience with body shape and size can be helpful.

I used to be so ashamed of my body. No matter how much I exercised, I thought I was a cow. I got compliments. Despite men showing interest. But since I decided that I was fat and unattractive even when I wasn’t, it didn’t matter what other people thought of me, or told me, because I didn’t believe I was desirable. I got past it. I still feel insecure sometimes, but it’s not like my whole world is hinged on my figure anymore.

My point is, it appears that you are letting your height get in your way more than anything. You’ve decided that your height makes you undesirable, and since you’ve decided on that, you might not believe that anyone desires you, even if they do.

It was kind of a long process for me, but knowing what else there is to you and owning it is a start. I’ll reiterate, I don’t think 5’6 is too short, but I’m just one woman. But I’ll bet you’re smart, good at something, and have a unique story. You might have the cutest dimples, a killer smile, a gentle way with animals (HUGE turn on for lots of women, btw.) For every perceived flaw of yours, there’s probably a million things to like. I would nurture and showcase those things, because I guarantee you that no woman worth your time will look no further than your height. Yes, they have preferences, but you’re not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea. The beauty is, you don’t have to be.

kellyanonymous · 2018-03-20T07:46:50+00:00

I'm sorry you are so worried about and fixated on this. There are a large list of attributes that make someone more or less attractive and have less or more opportunities. Physical limits are surprisingly a much smaller aspect. How you carry yourself is much more important. I won't lie, height is something that is noticed, however it is only the first thing noticed which puts you miles ahead of other attributes.

Example: my partner works with this guy who seems to get any woman he wants, girls jumping over each other to get to him. If I rated him only on physical looks, I would put him below a 5. So there must be a vast range of positive attributes that get him this outcome.

If you also present yourself as insecure and not worthy then that is a much larger issue that makes it hard for you to be attractive even to get friends. When you feel so insecure, your needs aren't being met and so you'll be presenting with behaviours that are less socially acceptable.

Your life from here on is your responsibility. You have to know that you're worthy. That no one is less or more worthy than you. Find a hobby or volunteer. Give your life more meaning outside of yourself. It'll give you less chances to fixate.

Maybe try Brazilian jiu jitsu. I was 55kgs when I trained and 5'6 And I could beat guys who were 85kgs and over 6'. It is massively empowering. It could give you some strength and confidence. Guys without massive egos train because imagine being a 90kg 6'2 guy and being smashed by a girl? A guy with a huge ego wouldn't return so you're left with decent guys. Find a gym with women in it as they'll connect with you best and you'll be sure it's a good gym.

If you followed the red pill for some advice but aren't keen on therapy, another person you may enjoy following is Jordan Peterson.

Just reaching out on Reddit is a start so you have already decided (whether subconsciously or not) to accept responsibility and make some changes. Take your life and make it yours. Good luck.

Spuckuk · 2018-03-21T16:07:13+00:00

A male friend of mine is engaged to an insanely hot and amazing girl. He's 5'3", you're a giant next to him!

He's never really considered it should get in his way. Don't let a crude societal expectation bring you down, you'll be fine.

MikeKolas · 2018-03-23T14:48:26+00:00

I am a guy and I am 5'4". Sucks right? I read your post and it almost sounds like my life-story (except the mother part...my parents never expressed any concern regarding my height).

I am not going to sugar coat the reality for you - but height for men is really a big deal when it comes to physical attraction. Not just that when you start working, you will see that shorter men are not taken seriously at work either. This will always be a handicap. You can beat the crap out of yourself over this, or work with what you have.. and better things that you can actually improve.

Majority of women place a high importance on height. Specially the younger/immature/inexperienced ones. After they've had few knocks in their life, they start to appreciate other aspects of a man's personality. Which means that in ur 20s you are not going to get as many dates as your taller counterpart.

A piece of advice - majority of women have some self-esteem issue as well. Scratch that - every one does. Some ppl r good at hiding it. A girl who is called "pretty" by everyone around her, has to look at her mother to see what age does to a pretty girl. She gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror and wonders if ppl r still going to like her the same if they saw her real self. Girls also intuitively know that a guy will chase her, give her lot of importance to get her in bed; and lose interest in her after a few rounds. So if she is mature and smart, she will want to meet a guy who has other personality traits that will keep them together. An immature girl will forever fall for a badboy - one after another. Many good guys make the mistake of chasing such girls and then coming to conclusion that girls like badboys. That is false. Immaure/stupid girls like badboys. There is definitly a primal tingly feeling that all women get over badboys; just like every guy gets a tingly feeling when he encounters a slutty girl (as she is going to be an easy lay). But not all of us act on our primal instincts...its what separates us from animals.

PM me if you need more advise. I empathize with you... as your story sounds like mine. There are some elements of TRP that I agree with...but I strongly advise you not to get sucked into that shithole. It wont make you happy.

izi_ningishzidda · 2018-04-02T07:57:37+00:00

There was this guy I met when I was 16, I was an undiagnosed sapiosexual, he must have been at least 5 inches shorter than me. I totally would have dated him, he was adorable and funny. Unfortunately I met him 3 days before he went off to boot camp. I have been sameish height as both of my husband and I liked it just fine. I usually just wore flats for his sake, not mine. I threw out all of my heels on my second because he enjoyed being slightly taller. I think this is a guy thing. I think you should see a therapist tbh.

ifeltbitchy · 2018-05-09T19:21:20+00:00

Have you ever just sat in a park or a public place and just looked at couples? Couples come in every shape and size imaginable. They range from awkward, to ugly to cute.

RPers and incels promote the idea that you can only be happy if you are doing it 'the right way'. I.e. you can only be happy if you are the alpha male with a stable full of women.

News flash, people who don't meet this criteria can be happy too, and they don't need the approval of anyone else to do it. You can't tell me you've never seen an ugly couple. Ugly people like sex too. Some of those 'Ugly' couples are the happiest people I know! They have great marriages and great kids.

There is no law that says you need to be X Y and Z to be happy. You are free to pursue happiness on your own terms.

I am very tall for a female (6ft), and also overweight. I remember a coach that teased me mercilessly because I was 6 inches taller than most of the boys in 9th grade. I felt like all of the guys taller than me only liked short girls, and all of the guys shorter than me were intimidated or put off by my height. I felt like a freak of nature. Sound familiar?

You are a short male, I am a big tall female. Neither one of us fits the 'ideal' for our gender. I started to realize that there are a lot of people who don't fit this ideal. In fact, there are more people who don't fit the ideal than do fit it.

I became a lot more happy in life when I stopped comparing myself to everyone else. Work on yourself, pick out some things to improve! The comparison you should concern yourself with is the comparison between your old self and your new self. Confidence attracts confidence. I wear a larger wedding ring size than my husband. I have bigger feet than him. Who cares? He sure as hell doesn't.

You don't need anyone's permission to be happy but your own. Will you get Stacy? Probably not. Do you need Stacy to be happy? That's up to you to decide.

With several billion women on earth, chances are you can be happy if you give yourself permission to be.

ProfessorRigby · 2018-03-19T14:41:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	How can I stop obsessing over height? (WARNING: semi long post)
Author	ProfessorRigby
Upvotes	4
Comments	33
Date	March 19, 2018 5:35 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/85h7hn/how_can_i_stop_obsessing_over_height_warning_semi/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/how-can-i-stop-obsessing-over-height-warning-semi.300112 https://theredarchive.com/post/300112

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