How to learn how to date the right way

mikey_weasel · 2023-11-22T01:35:47+00:00

Hey so when it comes to approaching women I'm a big fan of a "warm approach" where you already are known to them. This is to contrast to a "cold approach" where you just try to start a conversation with a stranger in a public place (which is a very high-skill and low-success strategy). This means people who you've already met in a social situation. Friends of friends or people you do an activity with (hobbies/volunteering/sports/whatever). Per your OP this means you "stand out" because it means she already has an idea of what you are like (heard you joke, demonstrated a skill, showed a value etc,). It also helps because you're coming into that interaction with some ideas of her so you can make conversation and like more than just her looks.

Note the above advice is more geared to dating than casual hookups.

spiraldinosaur · 2023-11-22T11:27:50+00:00

how do I actually learn to date?

Like most things in life, it's something that takes practice. The good news is that it doesn't have to be "dating" to be able to practice. Just spending time with people, socialising with anyone, meeting any new people, is a way to learn how to date. Because really that's what dating is; it's meeting someone new and getting to know them.

Where do I go to meet women?

The same place you meet any other people; out in the world. You won't meet anyone if you stay in your bedroom. You have to be doing...stuff...to meet people. It's very hard to be more specific than that because it really depends on what you like to do. For me it's music; I play music, I perform and watch others perform, I bond with people over the music we make, I make friends that way and though that I've met my partners (either other musicians or friends of the musicians I've met).

Is it ok to approach a woman I find attractive?

Yes and no. There's a time and a place, there's an appropriate way to do it and there's inappropriate ways to do it. It's all about finding that difficult balance of starting a conversation without imposing yourself on someone, knowing what's appropriate to say, knowing how to not come across as creepy...and that's all really difficult because you're talking about someone you know absolutely nothing about. You don't know what's going on in her head in that moment, how she's feeling, why she is there etc. It can very easily backfire. You'll see plenty of "pick up artist" videos on YouTube making it look easy, but they obviously cut out the countless times they get rejected or pushed away, and they also never really let you find out how the women actually felt in those moments. Personally I would never approach a woman I don't know unless I had an actual reason to start a conversation. I dunno maybe she's wearing a t-shirt for a band I really like or something like that; something I can actually hold a conversation about. But generally going from total stranger to exchanging numbers in a few minutes is hard work, I wouldn't recommend trying it.

It's also why going out and doing something you're interested in makes it easier. When I go to an open mic night, it's really easy to start a conversation about the music we're both playing, discussing songs we've written, talking about the guitars we play etc. If I went to a life drawing class or something like that, I could talk to people about the art, about technique, ask about other classes people do etc. It's just easier to start a conversation with a stranger when you've got an actual topic to discuss.

when your on the outside looking in with 0 options it’s hard to not feel a certain way.

Dating is not a job application. You won't be expected to demonstrate your experience or show your dating resume. People don't value prospective dates based on how many previous partners they've had (I mean, some do but don't listen to those people). We evaluate whether or not to date someone (or just generally continue seeing them) based on how they make us feel, and you don't necessarily need extensive dating experience to be able to make someone feel good when they're with you.

You said you have anxiety, and I understand that as someone who suffered with anxiety for many years. But you have to learn that anxiety is not some incurable fact about yourself, but something that you can learn to overcome. And you're going to need to overcome it at least to some extent if you ever want to meet people. Not just dating, but meeting people generally; which is really what you should be aiming for. You can't just stay at home and hide away and hope that things will get better, you've got to push yourself out of your comfort zone and into the company of other people. It's challenging, but it's also rewarding.

I suggest that you start looking around for things you could attend where you could meet people. Hobby groups, activist groups, sports teams, volunteering, support groups, I don't know what exactly, you need to figure that out yourself. Find an excuse not just to be out of the house but specifically in the company of other people in a way that forces you to interact with each other. The more time you spend experiencing this sort of thing, the more you'll learn to overcome the anxiety and gain confidence in social situations - be that dating or anything else.

FellasImSorry · 2023-11-22T04:47:57+00:00

What does “approach” mean to you?

What do you have to offer a woman?

Why do you think anyone would choose to hang out with you?

ROBYoutube · 2023-11-23T07:24:23+00:00

I've made a few posts you might find helpful man.

One.

Two.

Three.

Dazzling_Flan_9946 · 2025-02-19T02:15:15+00:00

To be honest, if I were your age again, I'd start by going to a therapist, and tell them I needed to be prepared to date, to be educated on everything there is to watch out for.

Do you know what gaslighting is, and recognize when someone is gaslighting or otherwise trying to manipulate you?

I don't know if some people instinctively recognize (and heed) red flags, but I sure didn't. Also, feeling as if you have "zero options" in addition to the perception of women as having many, could lead you to tolerate behavior you shouldn't. Make sure your self- esteem is healthy, that you "love yourself" (I know, it sounds cliche and to me it sounds immodest).

Modesty is good, but you've got to know your worth. You've got to be able to recognize when someone is toxic and break it off.

Also, if you have no sexual experience, from the other side of that (having experience) it doesn't "change" you, or anything like that. It makes you no more "prepared" to date, in my opinion. I wouldn't worry about that. I don't recommend "gaining experience with a few women first", but if you are going to do that, you've got to be upfront and honest - never ever have sex with anyone under false pretense. Make sure you've clearly communicated that it's only going to be sex and not long term, otherwise you risk potentially hurting/ using (well, it IS using) people.

You don't need experience, of any kind. If you're genuine, kind, and decent, have integrity and honesty, those are attractive qualities. Of course most people wind up dating at least a few people before they meet their special someone, but if you date someone with the express purpose of "practicing" they may not like that.

"Cute to attractive" men have just as many options. Men & women exist in equal ratios. The idea that women have more, doesn't make mathematical sense and is mostly a red-pill notion from what I can tell.

As to how to find dates, I can't help as I don't really know how to do that myself. I'm shy and the idea of "approaching" someone, even before I learned that it really isn't appropriate most of the time, wasn't an option. I prefer dating apps, but (for me) I seem to have trouble using them- I do best with only my pictures. Whether or not that means what I say is the same as tons of men before me who lie, or the vast majority of people want sex right away, I have yet to answer. (I'm sick of people expecting sex by the third date)

In my case, I had some unresolved trauma, as a result I accumulated even more when I failed to stop a situation and it evolved into my being stalked. I was more concerned about making a good impression on her, and not seriously being more critical of her behavior- which is what I should have been doing.

I'm a person who always wanted to be in love with someone, to totally adore them, and have that reciprocated- and if that doesn't happen, I'll definitely miss it and experience a loss; simultaneously, I'm getting my emotional shit together, and I already (and always have) rejected people- mostly due to bad behavior.

Don't fall for the pretty face; pay attention not just to how they treat you, but how they treat others, especially that last part. While I'm sure it can happen to anyone, if you're good looking, be especially wary. Some people will alter their image to fit what they think you like, in an attempt to disingenuously win your favor- which is predatory in my book. I'm now careful, not to reveal so much that someone can come along and pretend to be everything I would like. You can wind up with a narcissist who hurts or otherwise takes advantage, or worse.

If you're ND, you're also especially at risk.

As to the dating itself, once you have a date, I think you'll find it's easier than you think. (I should have prefaced this entire response by saying that this is just what I do and what seems to work for me). Even the most traditional woman I dated, when I was 26, held up her end of the conversation, picked where we went for our first date, etc. When I do have dates, they always seem to go well- and to me, I don't think of the "woman" I'm on the date with as any different than if I were talking to a male friend. They're just a person to talk to. It has been easy, effortless, and I'm shy. In other words, just in case you have any patriarchal notions that you have to be responsible for "taking the lead" etc., you don't.

I've never "tried" to have sex, with anyone, so the best advice I can give there, is not to- as a teenager I had one girl break up with me for that reason (took me a while to figure that out), everyone else took the initiative, rather quickly too. If anything, since most women are conditioned to be wary of men, I think when they started to realize they were safe around me, they felt comfortable initiating.

I personally think, when you're hoping for something serious, it's better not to become sexually active too soon.

Quiet_Minds_ · 2023-11-23T00:32:41+00:00

I approached my mid-20s in a similar situatino to you.

I found that dating websites and apps were a godsend. The hardest bit for me was asking someone out and fearing rejection. But n a dating website or app, that's what everyone is there for.

So my first advice is to find a site or app that you think suits you. Get your profile up. Be honest in your profile. Don't try to puff yourself up. The more you read other people's profiles, the more you will get a sense of what works to write. Women like a clear head and shoulders shot with a smile. And for other photos, keep it a bit varied. Snaps out and about doing activities can be good.

I was nervous the first few dates I went on. But after a bit I got into the swing of it. A lot of dates were just a one off, some people I ended up seeing 3 or 4 times. A small number I ended up dating for a few weeks or a few months. And eventually I met the woman I married.

My next advice is to see your dates as fun hang-outs without burdening them with expectations. If you are like me, you will benefit from dating a range of people to get a better understanding of the type of people you click with.

Aside from physical attraction, you are really looking for a best friend who is super easy and fun to hang-out with a goof around with. Some shared interests help. But they don't need to have all the same interests as you, and it is good for you to be open to new things that the other person brings from their interests.

Sex was scary because of my inexperience. But I told myself - 'well if any woman is negative with me about that, then she is the wrong woman to be with!'. One person was - but only because she had some pretty deep sexual hang-ups of her own. She wasn;t for me, nad it was a bit of a bruising experience. But she wasn't a bad person. Anyway, a couple of other women were amazing at putting me at ease, and with their compassionate understanding, things went zzzzinggggg :)))

So don't worry if you have some bad sex initially. Sex is like anything else - we need experience. At some point you will be with a supportive partner and things will go zzzzinggggg for you too!

Don't worry about 'standing out'. Don't try and show off your opinions or knowledge. Focus more on being a good listener. REALLY being a good listener. Don't just try to be perceived as a good listener. Learn to enjoy being a good listener. Read the Dale Carnegie classic 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' and you will not have to worry about having good conversations. All the answers you need are in that book.s the resemble real life sexual encounters, and use a condom when masturbating to get used to the feel of it (putting a condom on can cause people who are not used to it to lose their erection).

Don't worry about 'standing out' to women. You don't have to be the big extravert in group situations. And don't try and show off your opinions or knowledge. Focus more on being a good listener. REALLY being a good listener - don't just try to be perceived as a good listener. Learn to enjoy being a good listener. Don't try and solve her problems for her when she just wants to express her feelings. Affirm her feelings. Read the Dale Carnegie classic 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' and you will not have to worry about having good conversations and being a good listener. All the answers you need are in that book. You will feel like it has given you super powers!

Final advice - don't be a coward. Don't ghost people - tell them upfront if you want to move on to date other people. And don't lead women on to get them into bed when you just want it to be casual. Be upfront about your intentions. There is nothing wrong with having responsible (ie. contraception and STD protection) casual sex IF you are honest.

IuliaTank · 2023-11-27T17:30:26+00:00

Hey OP girl here, so let me give you bits of advices. When you like a woman, in any context, it helps to be funny. Funny will win over good looking, rich, smart, etc. (there’s even the joke between us women that goes: funny guys are the most dangerous, because you laugh, and laugh and laugh and poof! You are naked). don’t take yourself too seriously and watch some comedians. Sometimes you can just repeat the jokes with a good timing and poof, you are in. Don’t try to seem to desperate or aggressive with the girls you like, remember they are human beings, with their own issues, life problems and frustrations so if they don’t see you as a guy who pushes them or has only 1 purpose on their mind, they will respond positively. It’s ok to be just friends with girls because it will teach you how to communicate with them and soon enough you will hear the words: i have a single girlfriend who is tired of horrible horny losers, do you want to meet her? All women try to set up their friends with a guy who they see as worthy, even though they are not into him. When it comes to sex, all women will be fountain wet when hearing the words: we don’t have to go all the way tonight, we can stop whenever you want (my husband told me the same words 10 years ago when we first met and it was the only time i had sex with a guy on the first date). But he really meant it and basically showed me he’s not desperate for sex or female attention. So you have to train yourself to really mean it and realize that is better if you don’t have sex at all with that woman, rather then presuring her which almost 99% of the cases will result in disgust from that woman. I am extroverted and I adored introverted guys, cause they feel like this incredible secret and this hidden jem. To make your personality more interesting read some books or watch some documentaries: history, geography, philosophy, anything that you find fascinating because we like a guy with a hobby/passion and who knows what they are talking about. I recommend the book: behave by robert m. Sapolsky as a start and you can take it from there. Then the most important: there is a Romanian saying that goes: men need to be a little bit more handsome than the devil. And it’s true because handsome guys are either stupid (they drifted through life based on good looks but they have no ideea what Africa is) or they are smart and narcissistic, like fboys. So don’t get discouraged if you are not a traditional good looking dude because if that mattered, there would be a total of 300 babies on planet earth. Make sure to have clean clothes, a fresh haircut (even if it’s a buzz cut), if you have acnee try to save for a dermatologist and clip your nails. That is it. Be a decent dude who is not always on the “hunting mode” and treat women nicely, even if it means being friends with the girls you like. In my high school we were 25 girls and 2 boys - 1 was gay and the other one was friends with all of us. He scored some of the prettiest girls even though he was considered ugly because he prefered to be friends with the classmates and learned a lot about how women feel and think without making them feel threatened of uncomfortable (and i am sure we wanted to date or fuck some of us, but no, he appreciated our friendship and what he could learn from us and he is happy and married with a gorgeous, down to earth woman). Good luck my dude, you will be awesome!

Life_Temperature795 · 2023-12-01T19:23:26+00:00

As miserable as it might seem, get on a dating app.

I know the more recent iterations of online dating have trended towards being a meat market, (OkCupid was actually a really good space, back in the day, because you built an extensive profile which meant there was a lot more opportunity to match people based on interests, rather than simply on looks and a very brief bio blurb,) but the fundamental reality is that people on dating apps are expecting to have strangers approach them, whereas in real life that isn't a safe bet.

But, and this is important, don't expect to start dating immediately just because you're on an app.

Like you said, you have no experience with women. Well, women talking to men they don't know is the norm on dating apps, so this is how you get that experience. Getting a match to begin with is probably going to be tedious, but again, you aren't going on here with the primary interest of getting a date, you're going on here to learn how to talk to women. Lower your standards, and have casual conversations with the women you do match with.

Learning to see the women you're interested in as people goes a long way toward opening the door to the women you're interested in seeing you as an option. To use gamer lingo, it's a skill issue. You need to develop that skill, at all, before you can expect to be successful with it.

And like, you know, go on dates with people you aren't super interested in. When you aren't invested in the outcome, it frees up a lot of space in your brain to pay attention to how you're doing in the moment, and to actually learn from those experiences. Low investment means you can take risks, and one of the craziest realities about relationships is that someone you aren't that "attracted" to, who you've learned to like as a person, will very sneakily become more attractive in your brain without you noticing. Sometimes low investment pays dividends you aren't expecting, you just have to be open to possibilities.

But yeah, starting off casually is very much a thing, and if not in dating apps, then find other online communities where women exist and casual communication is the norm, and just make friends.

(About a billion years ago when I was in high school, back in the infancy of the internet, I was on a website called OpenDiary, which was like a classier version of MySpace, and a sort of precursor to modern blogs. I made an entire friend group with a bunch of theater kids in a state a thousand miles away, just by talking to strangers on the internet, and one of them has remained a lifelong friend as well as my first feeble attempt at a long distance relationship, way back in the day.

And I was fucking CRAZY in high school, so this was actually a decent way for me to get properly socialized and learn how to talk to people. We're social animals, people will put up with more weirdness and awkwardness than you think, because we're psychologically compelled to talk to other people. You just gotta learn how to do it well if you want to be successful at dating.)

sturgeo123 · 2023-12-06T02:18:32+00:00

I’m not even sure if this is the right advice but u might wanna start on dating apps. Just don’t get too dependent on them but it will be a less anxiety producing process

Title	How to learn how to date the right way
Author	itzReborn
Upvotes	6
Comments	36
Date	November 22, 2023 12:40 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/180wdoj/how_to_learn_how_to_date_the_right_way/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/how-to-learn-how-to-date-the-right-way.1239031 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239031

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