I 33F have been together with my bf for almost 12 years. We are both each others first relationship. I was 21, he 20 when we met, all my friends already had relationships and I felt a bit left behind, I had already seen my friends getting hurt and I came from a broken home - so I always thought I want a safe, caring guy. I liked him because he was kind, honest and hard working.. and he really seemed interested in me.

1 - His character

He has always been super shy, introverted person, he can't express his feelings and thoughts very easily, but I thought maybe in time he will open up more. I also thought he will start to drink less. He doesnt drink alone, but when there is some party or meeting, he can't really stop before he behaves silly or gets sick. We have had lot of conversations/flights about it over the years and I have explained in nice and in angry ways that this type of drinking is not ok for me, I expect him to control himself, I don't want to be a babysitter always..

I have told him that I can't stay with him if I can't have trust that he will control himself. He has promised a lot of times, and still he does the same. He had kind of ruined different gatherings and meetings with friends for me, because I feel I must check what he is doing or I must later drag him home and I feel shamed about him. I now rather avoid some events. But he comes from a home where his dad had drinks in free time and lot of friends are the same way. I think he sees it as normal.

But Im never really sure what he thinks, because he doesn't talk about serious stuff. I have tried in 1000 different ways.. I even read about it how to do it, how to ask in a really helping and encouraging way and small questions and.. He starts to feel super uncomfortable and just can't say a word. I guess it is his personality or comes from childhood (he is same with relatives, friends). I have been kind, I have screamed, I have said directly what I want.. Nothing makes him open up.

He is otherwise kind and caring as a person and I do feel he cares about me and tried to do some stuff as I want.. Just he has like limits, that he can't change or over come. I think the main thing is that he is not bad at the core. Just he can't change.

Can't he change because he doesn't love me enough.. Or he really can't.. Should I accept it or do something myself?

Do something as leave or do something do him, I don't know.. bring him to therapy?

2 - About myself

Im also shy and introverted, but over the years I started to feel that I need more and I want to try a change. We live in a more rural area.

I also expected him to talk more about future together or getting married or staying together forever, he didn't seemed to want to leave.. but he also didn't want to move on. He did propose, but it took him like 8 years at that point I had already a lot disappointment in me, but I did still love him.. I just couldnt get the issues out, because I can't talk to him.

At first I really loved him, I felt really close, I always thought what he might want; best way spending time for me was just getting to be together; I thought it would kill me if he ever might like anyone else; I always stood up for him if there was some uncomfortable situation for him.

Actually he didn't do that, its also a problem for me, that in some situations with his friends or family.. he didn't take my side and it wasn't about not caring, but he didn't have enough guts. He is really influenced about others opinion and scared to be laughed at. Is it really not possible to come out of comfortable zone for someone you should love? Can he be so closed person that he can't talk even a bit about our issues, even if I have begged it for years?

3 - Current situation

And now its even worse, after the last drinking..I told him again that I can't trust him, I never know when we go out.. will he lose himself or not. And after thinking I tried again.. I found a comfortable situation and tried to explain that I really feel bad about our relationship, I care about him, I would like to make things work.. But I can't really go on, that I feel we are really in a bad point.. And that now I really need him to make an effort to try to talk about it.

But as always he mumbled something and turns his back. Of course then I get irritated..

4 - Sex

The sex is bad. I tried to say what is off with us and of course I also mentioned sex (I have mentioned it before too many times). All the stuff I try to talk about or say is not going well - he never talks about them again or doesn't try to do anything about it. We were each others first sex partners, both shy, so of course it hasnt been good and hasnt got much better. Its short and unsatisfying. That is one thing I also feel that he is so shy and all initiative comes from me. As a woman I would like to feel wanted too. I was fine with being not satisfied with sexual part for years, but I lose all hope in time.

I feel maybe I have changed a bit, I don't know if its influenced with work, age or friends..but he has stayed the same shy boy as at 20 or at least kept the same attitude and behavior in my eyes.

So now since last talk (I said I can't go on if he doesn't try to talk, answer) we have not talked about again (of course because I dont bring it up), we havent had sex for months (because I dont start) and he behaves as everything is usual, talking about every day stuff.

5 - Future

I feel I can't never make him talk or change, but im also scared to decide myself - to accept it forever or break up. Im standing at one point.. How to go on.

I dont know if there would even be anything better for me. Maybe all relationships are difficult and hard work and I should just be fine as it is (I have seen lot of worse relationships and worse men), maybe all love ends in time?

Maybe I should be happy about his good sides, he his doing a lot of stuff in the house and helps me with everything I ask, even helps my relatives. He is very polite and honest. He is not a bad person for sure.. That is one reason I would feel terrible to leave him. I dont want to hurt him. Because he is so shy and insecure.. I dont want to ruin his life, because it took him a long time but now he wants marriage and kids and calm life together. But at this point I dont know what should happen to make me ever want to have children with him.. at the moment Im even happy he doesn't initiate sex, because all the frustration has killed all attraction for me.

But I have had no other relationships, Im also shy and quiet, I think if I leave him.. I might stay alone forever. I live in a small place and our families are connected, I have never told anyone about our issues, so breaking up will be seen as my fault and will get a lot of attention. Also our lives are totally connected, we mostly spend all free time together, we dont have separate friends or hobbies, we always do everything together (house work, gardening at home, visiting relatives, shopping etc).

I feel Im running out of time or already too late to start over and maybe that wouldn't make my life better at all